And Now Your Answers - Day Seventy-Eight

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

R.U. Serious asks:

Dear BJ

Now that I am invited to the last supper, do I need to bring a side dish or anything?

Blog Jesus answers:

As I have stated repeatedly the food is handled. R.U. what I need you to bring is your brother Yahoo Serious and a meat grinder.


MrGumby2u asks:

Bejeesus - This chick I was meaning to break up with broke up with me first. I was going to give her one more sympathy date but now that plan is screwed. Obviously, you know where I'm going with this. Are you going to have RUS bringa the Svedisha meat-a-balls to the LS? He looks like a natural for it.

Blog Jesus answers:

RUS' assignment has been handed out. There will be no meatballs at the Last Supper.

As for your sympathy date, you can still have it. All you need is a small wig and some lip stick for your left hand.


Lab Boy asks:

Dear Blog Geez,

Why DO birds suddenly appear everytime she is near?

Blog Jesus answers:

Because she has a dead chipmunk in the waistband of her panties. Those birds are vultures . . . duck when they dive, more eyes are lost that way.


Larry Jones asks:

Why don't you just put a note next to the Last Supper blogroll saying something like "If you have to ask what to bring, you're not invited?" Have you noticed how many times we've made the same joke? Isn't it starting to bug you?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am not bugged by it at all. Your failure to be original shows me that my seat at the head of the table is real fucking safe.


Kris asks:

Dear Horshack,

What would it take to implicate HFB as the culprit for Natalee Holloway's disappearance?

Also, when are people going to realize that I'll go down in Ask Blog Jesus history as this blog's greatest heckler and that they should just give up?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think you just took care of implicating her.

When they actually start listening to you. So face facts, no one is going to recognize you for shit.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Whatever happened to Captain Planet? And do you remember the show "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" Whatever happened to that show, too?

Blog Jesus answers:

Captain Planet was caught trying to sell the little Indian fellow to some guys he owed gambling debts to and now is in a Haitian prison. That's when the press released all those photos of him getting enemas from the Russian chick on the team.

I believe production was shut down when it was proven that finding Carmen Sandiego caused cancer.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Streak free shine. Myth?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually it is possible, but you need salmon dung to make it happen.


Da Buttah asks:

Whaddup Hashem? (or do you prefer allah?):

How is your brother Jerry Christ doing? He still a plumber? I was wondering if you were looking for a nice jewish girl (we both know how jewish parents are right?), because I would be more than willing to take that role. Da Butta Christ. My, that sounds hot, doesn't it?

All my Lovin Hashem!

Blog Jesus answers:

The prospect of getting a Jewish lay is the only thing keeping me from ripping you for mistaking me for Blog Allah (R.I.P.)


Swayer asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Yes, these green stilettos are freaking awesome! I've gotten so much ass and even got the job down in Texas...so Mandolin, I suggest investing in your own pair of green stilettos! I can even tell you where to get a matching green corset.

So now to my question:

BJ - corn on the cob or corn off the cob?

Blog Jesus answers:

On the cob definitely. Plus instant, buttered butt plug.


Mandolin asks:

Dear BJ,

I would love a pair of the green stilettos. That way I could get some ass while looking awesome, not that I don't already. I shall take you up on your offer Swayer.

Texas Hold 'em or Five Card?

Blog Jesus answers:

Poker is for pussies. The only game for me is Russian Roulette.


Jess asks:

BJ:

Is there a reason I can't spell?

Also, do you like Spam?

Blog Jesus answers:

Blame your teachers. They were too busy imagining what you would look like while up at the chalkboard with nothing but a thong on.

Do I like Spam? I am wearing three can fulls right now.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Now that you've made it onto two radio stations' web sites, when will we hear you on the radio?

Blog Jesus answers:

Never. The FCC has already fined me for merely thinking about what I would say on the radio. I am even too hot for satellite radio. Somethings are just meant to be exposed to the weak willed people of the internet and go no further.

_____________________________________________________

The Affleck. The horror.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Seventy-Seven

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez (as I affectionately call you),

What DOES love got to do with "it"?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Nothing. Baby carrots should only be eaten as a side.


The Snakehead asks:

BJ,

You're just too funny. I laughed so hard I choked on a piece of cookie. Next time, can you please put a warning sign or something?

Blog Jesus answers:

Okay Snakey, from now on when reading this blog put your tard guard over your mout so that you don't choke.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Horshack,

Is disrespecting you sacrilegious, or what?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. Actually disresepcting Horshack is sacrireligious. The Jews have been through enough.


Pops quotes:

Beej,

John Lennon once said "I don't believe in the Beatles, I just believe in me." A good point there. After all, he was the Walrus. I could be the Walrus; but I'd still have to bum rides off people.

Maow maow. Chk... chk-chk-AAAAaah...

Blog Jesus states:

We should be saving you instead of saving Ferris.


Sandi asks:

Is it just me or does it seem that the little bit of time that Pops was away made him crazier? Still kind of new around here though, so he could have always been that way, he just needed a little R & R to get his groove back.

So on to the other question, are you too going to leave us this summer for a short, undisclosed amount of time?

Blog Jesus answers:

No, he was bat shit and now he's bat shittier. He hasn't reached critical mass yet so we have that to look forward to.

At some point yes, though I will have someone filling in. I don't know the length of time because gang bangs are tricky things to film.


Kris asks:

Dear Blog Horshack,

What's with the new name?

Blog Jesus answers:

HFB decided to blow in and make an ass of herself. Same old, same old.


Mandolin asks:

Dear BJ,

Why does Swayer think I want her green stilettos? All I did was ask where I could get some of these awesome shoes, I never said I wanted hers. I might just go out and get some red ones of my own to go with my corset.

Although, now that I don't have to kill Pops so I can get into the band I could use something to do......

Blog Jesus answers:

Do you know how much ass Swayer has gotten with those stilletos? You would be protective of them as well if you did.

And by all means, if you're bored go kill Pops. It will be a nice outing to boot.


Jess asks:

The One and Only BJ:

Why does "FUCK OFF" hate you so much? Also, does his constant referencing of everyone as gay indicate his soul is torn between his man-love urges and his Christian beliefs or simply that he thinks everyone is super happy?

Blog Jesus answers:

He obviously thinks that everyone is super happy and is angry that I am not the same way. I mean this is not the forum for inappropriate comments about race, creed, color, or sexual preference so there can be no other explanation.


R.U. Serious asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why is your mom always showing up in strange places like windows, overpasses and grilled cheese sandwiches?

Blog Jesus answers:

Dementia sadly. I've tried to put her down, but she's still pretty spry and keeps dodging the shotgun blasts.


Kom asks:

Blog Jesus,

I've seen transcriptions of Zeppelin songs. How did they know what Plant was singing? Does Plant even know what was coming out of his mouth?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's these amazing thing called ears.

And no, he doesn't have a fucking clue what he is saying. He just stops his meds and goes with the flow.

_________________________________________________

CBS decided to fuck us all and deny us the NCIS guest starring Danica McKellar. Get your torches, you know what to do.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Seventy-Six

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

HFB states:

Blog Horshack,

I have no question, I just wanted to see if the name 'Blog Horshack' will stick.

Blog Jesus answers:

The chances are slim since you would be the only one to use it and you tend to disappear for months on end. You're worse than my mother that way.


Lab Boy asks:

Dear Blog Geez,

Changing topics... A really cute friend asked that I loan her some money. Is it wrong of me to put her on an "installment" plan, if you know what I mean? (Which you do... You ARE Blog Jesus.)

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Abusing a friendship with sex is a time honored tradition that has fallen by the wayside of late. I fully expect you to help bring this tradition back to the mainstream. I also fully expect pictures and video of just how many different positions you can take with this installment plan.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Do you think Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are REALLY going to go through with the wedding? And will there be a lot of couch jumping and fist pumping during the reception, too?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes. Their love is real and eternal - the contract she signed states as such.

There will be no couch jumping, but you will be allowed to hug Cruise's adopted children for an inappropriately long time.


Lisa asks:

B.J.

do you get propositioned all the time by your fans?

Blog Jesus answers:

My fans don't have the ability to talk. They just blow air. Now people, they proposition me all the time.


Snakehead asks:

Dear Bloggesus,

It's me again. Now that I'm invited to the last supper, I was wondering what's on the menu? Perhaps lobster? Or shrimp cocktail appetizer? More importantly, where will the last supper be? And which one is Judas?

Blog Jesus answers:

Don't worry about the meal or the location or who is who. What I need you to concentrate on is find a walrus with human teeth and the ability to recite poetry.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

why do some people find cottage cheese appealing?

Blog Jesus answers:

Have you ever had it in your underwear while walking down a crowded street?


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

I know you had poker nights with the boys, back in the days before they stuck you up in the sticks. You should have probably paid your debt in cash...I mean..paying for the sins of mankind just didn't cut it. Look at us now. Really, next time...please pay cash.

Blog Jesus answers:

You're a bit wrong. I bet that they could crucify me and most of the free world would think it was some significant shit. Guess who won. I am richer than a Walton who hasn't recently been on a plane thanks to that . . . so I would do it again in a heartbeat.


Brent asks:

Dear Beejus,

Do you know where I can find a copy of Spring Break Shark Attack on Betamax?

Blog Jesus answers:

It should be up the ass of your local video store clerk. You have to get it yourself though - no gloves.

___________________________________________________

Okay, so I was wrong Danica McKellar is on "NCIS" this week. But you have had a week to get pumped. Break out the lotion and have fun.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Seventy-Five

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

The Snakehead asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I have never had a single wet dreams in my entire life. Is that normal? What should I do to have a wet dream?

Sincerely,

The Snakehead

Blog Jesus answers:

If you were dead that would be normal. You're fucking fucked in the head.

I would suggest intently staring at pictures of your great aunt and drinking a shit load of beer.



The Diva asks:

Dear Blog Jesus

I keep having the same dream that I'm swimming in a really crowded pool and I'm naked. What does that mean?

Blog Jesus answers:

I means that you have to lay off the hard candy. The shit is messing with your noggin to the extreme.


Jess asks:

Senor Jesus:

Why is Target considered the upper crust version of Wal-Mart? Will I ever be rich enough to shop there on a weekly basis?

Blog Jesus answers:

Because frequent Target shoppers tend to have two teeth as opposed to the frequent Wal-Mart shoppers one tooth.

Not as long as you keep buying two whores instead of one every Sunday morning.


Mandolin asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

A yellow relaxed sandal type of chick? Bah. I like my footwear to be either dark and strapy, or dark and thigh high.

Should I go skinny dipping this weekend?

Blog Jesus answers:

You dare question my choice of footwear? Actually, that dark, thigh number gave me a boner so run with that - fuck what I had to say.

Yes. But please remember your butt plug. Water just likes to live there in there.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I asked "Just Me" (aka "Sunshine") if I could "tap it". She said I had to look like Lance Armstrong before I could do that... The question I need answered is, which testicle should go? The right or the left? And will my ability to "tap it" be impaired in any form?

Blog Jesus answers:

Always go with the one that is not on the side of the hand that you right with so that when you masturbate you can cup the other ball.

Scotch tape and toothpicks will take care of the tapping issue.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus,

now that i'm almost looking forward to calls from my biggest fan (so i can post them just because they have that certain "je ne sais quois"), he stops being raunchy.

why?

and why didn't i figure this out years ago?

Blog Jesus answers:

When a guy gets a girl to finally start listening to him that is when he just becomes a dick and stops doing what made him so likeable in the first place.

You didn't figure this out because you are a woman and women for ages have not been able to break this code. It's like a retarded kid trying to outwit Simon.


Duff asks again:

dear blog jesus~

sorry to bother you again, but i need you to settle a long-standing argument for me.

if you had a choice between watching a college basketball game on tv (which, by the way, you are also taping on the vcr) or making out with your girlfriend, who is prancing around seductively in one of frederick's finest (think something strapless, lace-up, and involving garters and stockings), which would you pick?

Blog Jesus answers:

If it were IU basketball, I would make out with the chick during time outs and convince her to blow me or more gently put make love to my cock with her mouth) while the game was going on. Best of both worlds. I would then replay the game and do the song and dance all over again just for shits and giggles.

If it were Kentucky or Duke, then I would go for the ass.


Satan asks:

Strike breakers?

Blog Jesus answers:

A fun way to beat people with placards.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I just read every response to every question asked while I was gone. Am I pathetic or committed?

Blog Jesus answers:

You're both committed and pathetic. That is why you're the one most likely to kill in my name.


Serra asks:

How do you deal with the endless questions, entreaties, requests for smiting, and general demands to leave your job of running the world to give us bloggers answers?

Blog Jesus answers:

Oh, I farm out the ruling the world part to a company in India who has people do it on the cheap.


James asks:

Will I ever stop being this awesome?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes. The moment you step foot in Huntington, Indiana.


Brent asks:

Hey Beejus,

If you help me move my shit into my new house, I'll buy you a beer.

Whaddaya say?

Blog Jesus answers:

Better yet, just ship the beer to me and I will supervise from my place. I yell at people really well.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog jesus- I'm REALLY really bored at work - and I have just one question for you - Tetris, Freecell or Solitaire? Which one should I play?

Blog Jesus answers:

Old school Tetris is the bomb. Play only that. If you do not have old school Tetris your only recourse is to begin cutting your inner thigh.


Swayer asks:

BJ,

Why is Mandolin obsessed with my green stilettos? SHE CAN'T HAVE THEM!!!

Swayer

Blog Jesus answers:

Well, she can have them. You see you're mistaking yourself for someone that can't be stabbed forty-seven times in her sleep.


Bassoonoverlord asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is it wrong to read stories about bi's and gays?

Is it wrong to masturbate?

Blog Jesus answers:

No, so long as you're only reading the text while it is burning.

No, so long as you're not wearing my pants.

_________________________________________________

If I yell FIRE! Just hang out and let the cool people run away so I have an easier shot.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Seventy-Four

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Larry asks:

What's up with hair shirts and the mortification of the flesh, anyway?

Blog Jesus answers:

In the early days, some of my newly created flock go into the shrooms and debated for hours on the topic. I was so amused that I kept them in that state for the rest of their lives and the dumbasses could no longer enjoy life's simpler things. I am a mean fucker sometimes.


Lab Boy asks:

Dearest Blog Jesus,

"Just Me" is "sort of crushing on" me, Lab Boy... Should I bypass the formalities and just get me some of that? (If you need a visual of "Just Me", think of Elisha Cuthbert minus the blonde hair.)

Blog Jesus answers:

If she looks somewhat like Elisha Cuthbert, even if only from behind, I say tap it. I will of course need video to confirm that you have followed my advice.


Madolin asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

If "Just Me" is minus the blond hair, does that mean she's bald?

Also, where can I get some of these awesome green stilletos?

Blog Jesus answers:

Or that she has cancer and all her hair has fallen out and grown back darker.

Kill a person wearing some. I am fresh out at the moment. Anyway, I think you are a yellow relaxed sandal type of chick.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

why is it i seem to stay up the latest on nights when i swore i'd go to bed early?

also, why don't you answer questions over the weekend? what if i need guidance 7 days a week?

Blog Jesus answers:

The orgasmic excitement you have over finally getting some solid shut eye over powers you and the next thing you know you're at a strip club until closing.

I go out and get drunk during the weekends. I usually can't find my home until Sunday night. I think all my followers should be doing the same.


Kris asks:

Blog Dreyfus,

When does the next season of Deadwood come out on DVD?

What am I getting for my birthday?

Where the hell have I been?

What is the difference between yoghurt and yogurt?

Will I ever win the lottery?

How much chocolate can a person consume before reaching a lethal amount?

If someone died by eating too much chocolate, would the authorities automatically assume foul play?

Did you miss me?

Blog Jesus answers:

The cocksucker should be out by the holiday season.

Some penicillen for that nasty case of syphillis you caught.

In a syphillis induced stupor

Goat urine

Thankfully there is a God, so no.

Four pieces.

No. They'll just beat your dead body.

As much as I miss regular loose stool.


Sandi asks:

When my cat wakes up in the middle of the night and for no reason pukes on my bed, is that a sign that she likes me, or hates me?

Also should I take her to the vet?

Blog Jesus answers:

If the cat is puking near your face, then it loves you. If it is near your head, then it hates you.

No. Pray that the evil spirits will leave your cat, then send it off on a vision quest. Barring an unfortunate mishap with a motorized vehicle, your cat should be all right in a day.


R. U. Serious asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is it more fun to heal people or raise the dead?

Blog Jesus answers:

Healing people takes a lot of time and is a pain in the ass. Raising the dead can be done if you mix the right amount of Cheerios and orange juice. Thus, I go with the latter.


God's Child asks:

Dear Blog Jesus

I am dating a guy who is three years younger than me. I am 25. Am I robbing the cradle?

Blog Jesus answers:

No, you're boning a young stud. You may want to buy a cradle to make your sex life more interesting down the road.


Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Since I'm not really in the band, can I have an occasional guest spot?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually everyone is in the band now. Mainly because then you guys have to kill yourselves when I off myself.


Digitlicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What's the best way to golf on rainy days without fearing lightning? It rainy here and my boss is going golfing, so I'd like to know what information I should withhold.

Blog Jesus answers:

Using ducks as golf club.

___________________________________________________

It's the weekend. Beer me Marge!

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Seventy-Three

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Who's the Shogun of Harlem?

Blog Jesus answers:

LeVarr Burton. Using homo-erotic tactics to read will get a kid to follow you to the end of the Earth. He's mighty powerful.


Lab Boy asks:

Dearest Geez,

I've been offered the opportunity to go chase virus-infected monkeys in the congo while wearing a "space suit" a la Kevin Spacey and Dustin Hoffman in "Outbreak". Will I be okay?

Blog Jesus answers:

Just don't make any wise cracks. Kevin Spacey was marked for death the instant he mad his first wise crack in "Outbreak." That means you have to be as boring as Dustin Hoffman or as incredibly retarded as Cuba Gooding Jr. to make it out of there alive.


James states:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Kiss my Converse!

Blog Jesus responds:

You should be more concerned with me addressing you as a human being before making such a demand.


Sandi asks:

Since congress passed the new law not allowing me to burn my American flag, does that mean I can go to jail if I burn say a pair of American flag BOXERS?

Blog Jesus answers:

That will depend on the length and depth of the skid mark on the boxers' rear.


Sandi asks again:

How about if I go on t.v. and tear up a picture of President Shrub?

Blog Jesus answers:

There is plant life all over the place and they will take you down the second you get near grass.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I have this crazy person harassing me - can you smite him or send down balls of fire to hit him for me? That would be great, and I'd gladly pimp your blog in return for the favor!!

Blog Jesus answers:

I am not a ball of fire type of guy. I have arranged for his finger tips to be consumed by tit mouse this evening though.


Just me asks:

Dear BJ:

There's this guy I'm sort of crushing on but he seems to be smitten by this Alice...what should I do???

Blog Jesus answers:

Turn off the TV, scream "Kiss these grits" at him, then bury your chest in his face. He'll come around after that.


Jess asks:

Bloggy J:

What was the best television show chronicling the lives of aliens in the last 50 years?

Are there really aliens? And when will they send in the anal probes?

Blog Jesus answers:

Chico and the Man.

There are a shitload of aliens and they are actually probing your right now.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How bad are you gonna come down on Jess for calling you "Bloggy J"? (go easy now, it has a nice rap quality to it, and Jess, well, Jess is cool)

Blog Jesus answers:

I have decided to let it slide. Though your calling her cool leads me to believe that is a mistake.


_______________________________________________________

Nothing good comes from washing baby chickens in steaming hot water.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Seventy-Two

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Dear Blog Geez,

Alice says that she "will only have cake (read:sex) with one man at a time"... Is that her way of telling me there's no cake for me until she gets rid of her man? Or that there is cake for me, just not for me and a choice few VERY close friends? Thanks always.

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

I think she is saying that she doesn't like threesomes with two guys. She seems to be a girl-guy-girl gal. Just work out a schedule with her where you get some on certain days and others get it on other days.


Jess asks:

BJ:

How many years until Starbucks takes over the world in conjunction with the robots and ninja deer?

Blog Jesus answers:

Starbucks already has the world by the balls. We just like the way that Starbucks is tugging at our testicles right now so we are willing to let it run amok. Teddy Ruxpin will fuck that all up soon enough.


James states:

Dear Blog Jesus,

My drunken friends and I were just at the gas station and in Stuff magazine there are some awesome pictures of Winnie Cooper...

mmm Winnie Cooper

Blog Jesus responds:

If she has her old glasses on then that will be the first issue of Stuff I ever buy.


Sandi asks:

Happy Solstice!! Have you ever danced naked under the full moon?

Blog Jesus answers:

I only dance naked during the day. Everyone must see my junk rocking in the wind.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why don't I get any cool voice over from future me like Kevin Arnold did in the Wonder Years?

Blog Jesus answers:

I killed off all voice overs like that because I couldn't hear my porn over all that pontificating.


Grend31 asks:

Dear Mr. Jesus,

I'm happy to report that the lads and I have put together a rather remarkable "place of honor" for your impending party completely crafted of your favorite wood, board of card.

We are having a spot of trouble trying to figure out how we are going to drive these blasted Lee Press On nails through the palms of your hands though to affix you firmly to it though.

We are truely confounded by this and require Your divine intervention and/or Your wisdom in this matter.

Your Truly, Thanking You in your own Name for Your own Time,

Sir Brigadiere General Grend31, Mrs.

p.s. Cheers! Pip pip and all that...

Blog Jesus answers:

How about I just wear the press ons on my fingernails and hold onto the board of card structure you built. That way I can reach for food.


HFB asks:

Where can I get a cool title like grend31? Oh, and how's about a cool tagline? I'm high on bubble wrap and packing tape fumes, and have lost all coherent thought.

Blog Jesus answers:

If you kill Grend31 you can have that title.

I thought "bitch" was a good tagline.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Has MPH been sued by Mark Harmon over photo copyright infringement?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. Mark fucking Harmon himself selected this picture for MPH to use. He loves him some MPH and plans on adopting him as soon as he gets drunk enough to sign the paperwork.

__________________________________________________

Sho'nuff
As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Seventy-One

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

My friend Alice complains about her man, but she's still with him. I tell her I'm a better catch. Will she ever come around?

Blog Jesus answers:

With the proper amount of booze and painkillers then yes, I am utterly confident that she will.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

I need money and I need it fast...

What would be the quickest way for me to make some cash??

Blog Jesus answers:

Stripping or whoring yourself out is too cliche' so don't' do that. Whore your own child or the closet child you can find out.


James asks:

Dear G.D.,

An awesome make-out session with moi will not only get you an original Jimmy Mod™ Jacket©, but also loads of cash...

I knew I wasn't working two jobs for nothing!

Dear Blog Jesus,

Could you use your keen holy mind powers of persuasion to make this happen, please?

Blog Jesus answers:

First off, if you're going to solicit anything of yours, including your body on my blog, I get 75% of the take. Objecting will just get you a slap.

G.D., the kid is moving back to Indiana - he really needs this.


Mandolin asks:

Blog Jesus,

How in the name of all that is holy does my telling Satan to shove a broken bottle up his ass constitute a unintentional marrige proposal?

Also, how exactly do I get to fuck Satan up? Are we talking beatings here, or just mild slap fights?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is red state culture, what can I tell you?

Mild slap fights . . . with barbwire wrapped around your hands.


Mona asks:

Oh Dearest Heavenly Blog Jesus,

I have dirty thoughts constantly. Dirty, naughty, sexual thoughts. And not just about my husband, but about other men. Am I going to hell? How can I stop these overwhelming desires to see men naked and fantasize about how they would service me?

Blog Jesus answers:

We're all going to hell so don't worry about that.

As for your second issue, the only way to quench that desire is to act upon it repeatedly. Videotaping and studying your actions is also helpful. As is videotaping yourself studying your actions. Ultimately internet dispersal of the videos will seal your desires in a vault, along with all that pornorific cash.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Do you think some people just take themselves too seriously? I think I met one of those today...how should I let him down gently that no one really cares about what he does?

Blog Jesus answers:

Most definitely people take themselves too seriously. My suggestion is that you say that person: "MPH fucking fuck off."


G.D. asks again:

Dear BJ,

Now that James is trademarking the "Jimmy Mod Jacket", how do I know that I'll be getting the original and not some fake made in Hong Kong replica?

Blog Jesus answers again:

Sadly the semen stains will be the only thing that separates the original from the fake.


Grend31 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

The chaps and I are thinking about throwing you a little wingding. First we need to know a few of your party preferences:

1.) What is your favorite kind of wood?

2.) Do you have a particular nail fetish to which we could appeal?

As always,

Sir Brigadiere General Grend31

p.s. Hip Hip and all that good stuff.

Blog Jesus answers:

I have always been into cardboard.

Lee Press On please, painted blue.


Swayer asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Will I get this job promotion in Texas or is my visit down there tomorrow and Thursday in vain? Would wearing my green stilletos get me what I want?

Blog Jesus answers:

It won't be in vain because Texas is the only place you can see steers and queers. Always a delight.

Wearing nothing but the green stilletos will get you something.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Did Pops really go on vacation, or is there something more sad and sinister afoot?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would love to share that information with you, but I have a confidentiality agreement with my chainsaw.

__________________________________________________

Danica "Winnie" McKellar is on "NCIS" tonight. The circle is complete.


As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Seventy

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Vegasgustan asks:

If one is the lonliest number, then how the sweet mother of crap can two be lonlier than one?

Blog Jesus answers:

It has to do with the era that the song came out in. Back then mutual masturbation left people cold, while masturbating on your own made you feel alive inside. Therefore, in that instance, two was lonelier than one. Thankfully the 1980's and cocaine helped reverse the trend.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Still here. I'm leaving on Saturday, I swear.

What's with all the cake references here and over on Steph's blog? I'm just about positive it's a sign of my growing influence around the blogosphere. That or it's a sneaky way for some people to pay me and my fantastically famous tag-line homage on your skanky quiz-show side-job blog. If I were you, I'd bring the hammer down.

Blog Jesus answers:

The only reason that there are cake references is because cake is delicious. Not as delicious as the souls of hair metal band Winger, but close.


Larry asks:

BJ,

Is Pop's every going to leave?

Blog Jesus answers:

He's gone for now. The room is clean. Though I suggest visiting his blog and talking about me - a lot.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

i hate to question the almighty, but wasn't falco austrian, not german?

Blog Jesus answers:

You're right he was Austrian for a time. Then he fell in with the Hitler youth, which was strange because he was a full grown man and the Hitler Youth were long disbanded. He then declared himself German and was promptly killed by an Austrian car which used to be bitter metal held hostage under a Nazi regime.



Lab Boy:

Dearest Blog Geez,

Where is the perfect place to give a girl a first kiss? (You're free to comment anatomically or geographically... You ARE "the" Man).

Blog Jesus answers:

On the right ear lobe at the flea market in Jacksonville, Florida.


Mandolin asks:

Blog Jesus,

Is there any way you can make this Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes thing go away?

Please?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nope. The more exposure these to get, the more opportunities "The Gift" will be on basic cable. That means more opportunities to seek Katie Holmes' rack. May their love be everlasting.


Sandi asks:

Some of the people at work threw a big party last night, and did not invite me. Is this a clue I should get, or what?

Blog Jesus answers:

Don't worry. Some of them still have sore crotches from the last party you went to - they just need a break.


Lisa asks:

Hello BJ.

Is it better to have loved and lost? Or never to have loved at all?

Blog Jesus answers:

To love and lost leads to the sweet relief that only suicide can provide so I am with that all the way.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I've been thinking about changing my profession to 'sniper'. Good idea? Bad idea?

Blog Jesus answers:

Excellent idea. However, the demand for snipers is slight these days so don't quit stealing drugs from seniors and selling to children.


Erika asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Should I cut my hair off? It IS summer, but it's been long for so, um, well, long.

Blog Jesus answers:

Go for it so long as you only like having your head rubbed rather hair pulled while doing it doggy style.


James asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Remember in Waterworld when Kevin Costner pisses into that contraption and it turns it into drinking water? Can you really do that? There's a professor at YSU that drinks his own urine, but I don't think he's filtering it. He calls himself, "The Graffer" and he even has "The Graffer" embroidered onto his shirts.

Blog Jesus answers again:

Yes I recall that classic cinematic moment. It can really be done, but they have yet to figure out to keep that tangy zest that you can only get with a mouthful of urine.


MoeThatsMe asks:

Dear Blog Jesus~

When will it be acceptable to run down the peds that step into the cross walk when the hand is already flashing?

Blog Jesus answers:

It has always been acceptable to run over other human beings in my book. I would suggest just driving down the sidewalk and taking potential abusers of this traffic law before they even get to do the deed. Make sure to back over them as well to make sure they are dead.


Serra asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why, oh WHY, for the love of all that is true and holy and good, did You EVER let Spederline (that demonic conglomeration of skanky Britney Spears and skankier Kevin Federline)...I hate to even utter such abomination...breed?

Blog Jesus answers:

Without this child the all important "Electric Slide that Ham into Oil" will never exist.


The Diva asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Should I go shopping everyday or every OTHER day?

Blog Jesus answers:

Every other day. Going shopping everday will only lead to contact with more humans and you might just start feeling good about yourself and not want to come back here.


The Diva asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus

I got a missed call on my mobile last night at 2am. Was it you?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yeah. Me and Dean Cain where eating sushi off of an elderly Dutch woman and thought you would want to join in.


Erika asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Some guy is harrassing me on my blog and through email. Can you smite him mightly?

Blog Jesus answers again:

His daughter now has testicles and his son is fascinated by them - so there you go.


Satan asks:

There's this Tart who thought that encouraging her to turn lesbian and appear in porn was somehow hitting on her.

If I told her to go sit on a broken bottle would that constitute a marriage proposal?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. A marriage proposal requires that she sit on three newborn kittens while the kitten's mother watches and pleads for their lives in Latin.


Mandolin asks again:

Blog Jesus

What if I told Saten to shove that broken bottle up his a**?

Blog Jesus answers again:

He would consider that foreplay. Tell him to go stuff a feathered pillow, that will tighten his nuts a bit.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I was on vacation for awhile, and now I'm having a hard time concentrating....do you think I have ADD?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. You're still drunk and if you haven't noticed that IV of ecstacy is still in your arm.


Satan asks again:

Jesarse

Did Mandolin just propose?

Blog Jesus answers again:

Unintentionally. By law that is not a proposal, but she does have the right to fuck you up for her screw up. I know it doesn't make sense but that is what's written.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is Steph's cake references a result of being preggers?

Blog Jesus answers:

Most definitely - with tripulets.

__________________________________________________

Your smile is like a razor cutting me through my soul. Please show it again.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Sixty-Nine

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

i forgot to ask you anything yesterday. did you miss me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Until you said you forgot to ask me anything, yes I missed you. But since you forgot, you must pay the piper. I need to see some massive pimpage on your blog not only for Blog Jesus but for Heightened Thoughts.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I need a definitive answer before I disappear for the blog version of Forever (one week). Do you prefer German or English for these two songs:

"99 Luftballons" by Nena

and

"Der Kommissar" by Falco

Blog Jesus answers:

I actually prefer the remix of 99 Luftballoons where the English and the German versions are unceremoniously mashed together. When I listen to it drunk it's like hearing chatter during the Battle of the Bulge. Damn Krauts.

As for Falco, he didn't die in a car crash soon enough.


Duff states:

falco did "rock me amadeus". unless he covered "der kommissar", that tune was by after the fire.

forgive me for being too lazy to double check that, blog jesus. besides, you're the know-it-all.

Blog Jesus responds:

Thanks for deciding to throw out information without being certain of the facts. That is the kind of gusto Blog Jesus appreciates. You now only have to pimp "Heightened Thoughts."


Jess asks:

BJ:

If I loved the Smurfs as a kid but find the cartoons rather obnoxious now that I'm an adult, does that mean the cartoons really did suck all along, or that I've successfully killed my inner child?

Blog Jesus answers:

The Smurfs always sucked. Alvin and the Chimpmunks though were the bomb. Your inner child should have died the second they announced they were doing a Dukes of Hazzard movie.


MrGumby2u:

Falco did Der Kommissar in 1982; After the Fire covered it. So the question should be obvious: Am I the most pathetic?

Blog Jesus answers:

The bullet you be getting to the brain should answer that definitively.


Mandolin asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What should I do if the Dark Lord of the Underworld is hitting on me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Go with for awhile - until you find his drug and porn stash. Then inform me and after the raid you can stop giving it up to him.


Lab Boy asks:

Dear Geez,

Is it wrong to equate cake with sex in that the only reason I go to birthday parties is that I might get me some... er... cake... I mean... sex... No, no, no... Cake, definetely cake. The good kind? Better make that sex.

Blog Jesus answers:

It is all right to make the equation so long as the birthday parties are not for children or family members. Except for your grandmother - she's smoking and I don't blame you for wanting some of that.


Larry asks:

BJ,

Is duff the chicken or the egg, Cuz, I am confused?

Blog Jesus answers:

She is actually the fertile rooster with a knack for chickens and people alike.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is Falco dead? Or is he currently pretending to be Carmella Soprano?

(sorry to delete the other... typos, can't have typos)

Blog Jesus answers:

Falco, like all other vile Germans is rotting in the ground as we speak.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Can you interpret dreams? If so, what does it mean if you have a dream that "Brainy" Smurf performed amateur exploratory surgery on you and pulled out a tack hammer?

Blog Jesus answers:

You hope that a Doogie Howser like doctor will one day perfect the surgery that will allow your love of shoving things up your ass to continue without additional scarring.


Brent asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

If I happened to have the "Rock Me Amadeus" music video on my hard drive at work, does that make me less cool?

Blog Jesus answers again:

You were never cool to begin with - no worries.

___________________________________________

Even the Falco references couldn't get "Walking on Sunshine" out of my head.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Sixty-Eight

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Have you ever considered purchasing a Russian mail-order bride?

Blog Jesus answers:

I don't have the money for such a purchase - chains for the Korean whores I "collected" don't come cheap.


Kris asks:

Since neither Brent nor I are members of the band, we're not obligated to off ourselves. This means that we will take over in the absence of the band. How does this make you feel?

Blog Jesus answers:

Kris, you fool. You didn't read all my answers. I have re-instated all those kicked out of the band and made everyone else members. When I die, we all die.


Larry asks:

Dear BJ,

If, for the sake of arguement, the waitress who is serving the buffalo chicken sandwich w/ provologne, bacon and ranch, at Hooters, has larger, perkier breasts and she is willing to do jumping jacks for an extra dollar on the tip, is the buffalo chicken sandwich w/ fixins better than the grilled chicken sandwich that is served by a smaller chested, less open to monetary suggestion, waitress?

Blog Jesus answers:

So long as the smaller chested, less open to monetary suggestion waitress isn't as closed minded about Cleveland Steamers. Then yes.


Vegasgustan asks:

Is it wrong to call Eskimos, Snow Mexicans? If so, what should I call the freakin' nose rubbers?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is not wrong to call them that, but I think they are more offended if you call them African American.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Provalogne? Isn't it just "provolone"? Am I going mad or has the world gone all extra-Italian during my last absinthe blackout?

Also: I think we should give some props to Jimmy Mod. He hasn't solved his scary obsessive profile-picture-changing need, but at least he's remembering to rock the Jimmy Mod jacket in all of them now. Bravo, Jimmy Mod. Bravo.

Blog Jesus answers:

I started to look up the correct spelling, but then decided to fudgetaboutit and watch the collected works of Drea de Matteo.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

I don't believe in mass suicide. Could you just off yourself and "THE BAND" (original members only, of course) could go on with a Blog Jesus tribute world tour?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would love to do that, but then you would all go around killing each other and I wouldn't have a part in it. Face facts kiddo, you signed the contract - you're as good as dead.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

If there is a reunion tour, does that mean I get to participate?

Or does it mean that I'm delegated to VH1 Behind the Music episodes and mall tours with Kris and I's spin off band?

Blog Jesus answers:

The only reunion tour we'll have is opening for Buddy Holly in hell.


G.D. asks again:

Have we solved the Jimmy Mod Jacket issue? I've lost track. What exactly does he want for it?

Blog Jesus answers again:

It is my understanding that you and I have to get in on and then maybe Jimmy Mod will give up the jacket.


Grend31 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I understand that you save sinners. Is the deep freeze a good place to keep them? That's where I have mine right now.

Cordially,

Sir Brigadiere General Grend31

ps.

Where do we redeem them for valuable prizes?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually, I don't save sinners. I allow them to go about their business and get worse and worse so that heaven will never have a place for them. I keep children in deep freeze.

Most Chuckie Cheese's will accept sinners, but you only get a plastic whistle for them.


Jess asks:

Blog Jesus,

Will I be offered a job in the near future?

(Oh please, please, please say yes!)

Blog Jesus answers:

I am happy to say that you will be doing jumping jacks for an extra dollar by the end of next week.


TLH asks:

blog jesus,

i threw a lingonberry pancake at my visiting friend last night. Now she and her suitcase are missing. What to do?

Blog Jesus answers:

You're in Vegas, pick up a hooker and pay her to pretend to be your guest for the remainder of the time that he or she was supposed to be there. More importantly though, pick up the pancake, rinse it off and eat it. That's good stuff there.


G.D. asks once again:

Dear BJ,

I am bored (hence the 3 questions). Do you have a day job? Does it involve sitting for hours at the holy side of the confession booth? I'd love to do that some day if you need help. What are the requirements?

Blog Jesus answers:

If by the holy side of the confession booth you mean on a chair looking at a stripper's waxed ass, then yes I have a very important job. Come by any time, just have the six dollar cover and plenty of singles. I give hand outs to the poor souls.


Erika asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is is okay to take out people who try to manipulate Blog Jesus, only to be right about the Hooters Chicken sandwich contraversy?

PS If Larry is a member of the Band, please disreguard, all this is mute, as he will be offing himself soon.

Blog Jesus answers:

It is okay to take anyone out at any time. Run with the chaos.


Brent asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why so angry?

Blog Jesus answers again:

My junk is all smooshed up in these speedos.

_______________________________________________

Speaking of smooshed up junk, it's still "Walking on Sunshine"

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Sixty-Seven

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Diva of the Office asks:

Dear Blog Jesus

I'm thinking of changing jobs. Does the world need another messiah?

Blog Jesus answers:

The world has more messiahs than it needs right now. One more will just make me get around to offing you all and taking my place and the only stop to get the true word. What the world needs right now is an American that can meet more hot dogs than that freaky Japanese guy at eating contests. Make us proud.


Satan asks:

Oi Jesarse

Last night some dick tried to mug me and my friend. He wasn't very bright, two on one. No matter how hard we beat him he wouldn't back off so I kicked him in the nuts (not proud but necessary). The drug riddled moron barely flinched but he did groan the word jesarse. I'm assuming you sent him.

Is that your best attempt at doing me in?

Blog Jesus answers:

I had nothing to do with - I can't say the same for KOM. My knowledge of killing people is limited to what I have seen in Looney Tunes cartoons. That anvil from the sky will be the first sign that the heat is on.


Old Roses asks:

I can't take much more of the heat from this "Bermuda High". Of course, six months from now I'll be complaining about the cold from the "Alberta Clipper".

How can I convince other countries to keep their fucking weather to themselves?

Blog Jesus answers:

Go to the country, convince the country's citizens to revolt, have them take over the country and name me dictator.

That won't change the weather, but you have helped land another crushing blow to democracy.


Mandolin asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

One of my friends is turning 21 next week. Other then getting her really drunk and taking some photos to blackmail her with, what should I do for her?

Blog Jesus answers:

Burn her parent's home down and kill her closest friend from high school. The next afternoon, after she sleeps off the alcohol fucking you gave her tell her you decided to commemorate her forty-third birthday twenty-two years early.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I'm leaving in three days and will be gone for a week. I need you to PROMISE me you won't off yourself while I'm gone. I want you to save that shit so I can be on hand to witness it.

Blog Jesus answers:

I am willing to make that promise, but first you have to get one of your kids hooked on sweet, sweet heroin and dance through Fleetwood Mac's "Rumours" in its entirety.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

what would we call heavy d if he lost a lot of weight?


would he become d-light?

Blog Jesus answers:

Oddly, he would be called Big Pants Anderson.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How long before blueberries go out of season?

Blog Jesus answers:

You live in the South, feel blessed that the North left you any food after the Civil War. Eat them whenever and appreciate it. Appreciate it!


Erika asks:

Dear Blog Jesus

What's the best chicken sandwich at Hooter's? Larry says it's the Buffalo Chicken Sandwich, but I think it the Grilled.

Blog Jesus answers:

If you want me to be honest, it all depends on the size of the breasts of the waitress serving me the grub . . . and whether she is willing to do jumping jacks for an extra dollar.


Larry asks:

Dear BJ,

Erika forgot to mention(or possibly left it out to help her case)the provelogne, bacon and ranch, which make the buffalo chicken sandwich heavenly. Will this skew your answer an any way?

Blog Jesus answers:

Again, does the Dear the provelogne, bacon and ranch come with pair of big ole' knockers and a girl willing to do jumping jacks for an extra dollar?


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What's your favorite beer? That way I know to bring it with me to the last supper.

Blog Jesus answers:

I am a Coors Light deity. However, I will have plenty of beer. I need you to bring black olives soaked in kangeroo blood.


Sandi asks:

Dear BJ

If you off yourself while Pops is away, does that mean we get to enjoy it more or less?Oh, and can we tease Pops with the knowledge that we were here and he wasn't?

Blog Jesus answers:

I expect you to live it up like it was the last episode of "What's Happening!"

And yes, you can taunt the fuck out of him.


Kom asks:

Blog Jesus,

I was trying to mug Satan and some other guy last night.

I understand you reasoning behind the scrotum, but did you have to make them so sensitive?

Blog Jesus answers:

The world need a reason to watch "America's Funniest Home Videos."


MrGumby2u asks:

What the hell is Nain's World talking about? Is the last supper a freakin' potluck? Whose idea was that?

Blog Jesus answers:

It was my idea. Did you actually think I cared enough for you fucktards to make you food? Fool.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

If you off yourself, please do it while Pops is gone...it's just funnier that way.

Anyway, when you do, can I be the leader of "THE BAND"? And, where would I pick up the stuff you left me on your will...cause I know you have me listed there. Will I be getting your car, your house, or your porn collection...can I get it all??

Blog Jesus answers:

I forgot to mention that when I off myself, every member of the band is also contractually required to off themselves. With that being said, I want to welcome everyone to the band.


Serra asks:

O Dearest, Dearest Blog Jesus,

Do please smite down the wretched slimemonger at the A&W who let me order an assload of food before telling me she had no rich, creamy A&W Root Beer? Please make her pay dearly for that transgression against You and humanity? Please please rain down upon her greasy head the wrath she deserves for whoring herself out to such Philistines?

Blog Jesus answers:

That transgression is an awful. Consider her dogs fucked by rabid monkeys and her children's kidneys the supper of some retirement home lifer.

__________________________________________________

"Now That We Have Love" is gone from my head, but fuck if "Walking on Sunshine" didn't take its place.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Sixty-Six

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

he didn't do it- did he?





use my nice, clean towel, i mean.

Blog Jesus answers:

Not only did he use it, he wiped his ass with it. It's streak infested now - I am so sorry.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Were you drunk and/or high when you created the scrotum? Also, when you did 'create' it did you say in a thunderous voice, "Let there be scrotum!" Subsequently, was is 'good'?

Blog Jesus answers:

I was not drunk or high when I created scrotum. Before I evented it, I invented porn. After watching several films, I realized they were all missing a particular twacking sound and hence scrotum.

I just yelled "Scrotum!" I don't have time for theatrics.

"Good" is a tasty pop ditty by the band Better Than Ezra. You remember them from all of the nothing else that they have done since.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I can't bring myself to care about the Michael Jackson verdict. Should I fake it to fit in, or should I continue mocking everyone else?

Blog Jesus answers:

Fake it to fit in for awhile, then once you are firmly engrained with those freaks breack out the mock machine and fire away.


Kris asks:

Is Indiana really so lacking in things to do that its time-confused citizens decided to try to set the world record for a water balloon fight or are the citizens just that lame?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is that lacking and that lame. But it is home, so stop pissing on my water balloon fighting bretheren.


Diva of the Office asks:

Dear Blog Jesus

Got my purse back. Can I borrow your clubbing outfit? XXOOXX

Blog Jesus answers:

If you can get out the stains I will let you keep the outfit.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Still considering Haloscan for comments?

Blog Jesus answers:

Haloscan is for Blog Jethros with nothing better to do then to create their own . . . shudder . . . memes.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Do you think they put crack in Starbucks coffee to keep you coming back for more?

Blog Jesus answers:

They actually put roofies in the coffee and you never leave. Wrap that one around your head for a bit.


Duff asks again:

dear blog jesus~

sorry to bother you twice in less than 24 hours, but i'm having a hard time trying to figure out why i put up with so much for so little.

also, what should i make for dinner? i have the fixin's for some sort of "condiment soup", and that's about it.

Blog Jesus answers again:

Just remember, every dime you earn is one dime closer that that sex shop you always dreamed of owning.

Don't make a soup. Lay out each condiment separately and have a five course meal with it.


Kenna asks:

Dear Blog Jesus:

I want to send you a postcard; what's your address?

Blog Jesus answers:

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington D.C.

_______________________________________________________

Man, "Now That We Found Love" is going to be in my head for weeks.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Sixty-Five

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Nain asks:

Dear blog jesus,

I'm a little drunk, and I wanna know - how much wood chuck could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

It's really an important question I need answered tonight :-)

Blog Jesus answers:

I believe I have addressed this before, and if I am not mistaken, my answer was I don't give a fuck. But for different reasons than last time, some ass hat lady just released some doves by the courthouse and they shit all over my car.


Mandolin asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Now that I have the go ahead to knock somebody off, how should I go about doing it? I was thinking of using a sword, but I could just as easily go with something like gun. Any advice?

Blog Jesus answers:

My particular weapons of choice are a blow torch and chainsaw. Avoid the gun altogether - it's not personal enough. If you'r going to use a sword, which would be cool, just remember to scream "there can be only one" when you finish the poor victim off.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Never mind, false alarm. Turns out she was just sleepy. She woke up when I was half way through dismembering her. In my defense, I thought she was a corpse at the time.

So the question is: should I go ahead and go through with the burning and burying since I've gotten so far or should I break out the gauze and Neosporin and hope for the best?

Blog Jesus answers:

Saving people takes too much time. Burn and bury away.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus,

what is the stuff in the middle of oreos- really?

Blog Jesus answers:

A mixture of unicorn spooge and wheat thins.


Sandi asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I have been bad, very bad. I don't want to go into details because THEY are watching me. So would it be possible to just get a blanket pardon on all of my wonderful sins?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sorry can't do it. I am all about the sinning. I say go out and do more shameful and evil things and enjoy yourself. Life is too short, make it shorter with debauchery.


Sic asks:

Why?

Blog Jesus answers:

Every now and again we forget there is a sandwich in the fridge and it gets moldly. You just need to throw the fucker out and make a new one. This time though don't be a dumbass and forget that delicious sandwich.

______________________________________

I have never been innocent on any count.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Sixty-Four

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

Oh God, she's dead. I think she's dead. Oh my God, she's dead and I killed her. Holy Christ, what am I going to do? Jesus, Jesus, what am I going to do?

Blog Jesus answers:

First off Blog Jethro, be cool - you're in good hands. I need some information. Is the dead woman a legitimate person or a hooker or hobo? I need to know what to wear and what to bring with me. Now, you need to go and burn all your clothes and your kids' toys. Blood may have gotten on them. Next lock your kids in the basement and forget to feed them for a few days. When the police discover your starving kids they will be too distracted by that to search for this dead bitch.


HFB asks:

Is Pops talking about me? Damn, that's a helluva way to screw up my weekend. Why did he hafta go and do that for?

Blog Jesus answers:

HFB, you know good and well that no one would care if you were dead. Stop being all drama queeny.


G.D. asks:

BJ,

Why does Kris (Hernando) loathes me?

Blog Jesus answers:

I really think it has to do with that supply of ball gags in your closet - he had a bad childhood experience.


James asks:

Blog Jesus,

If I move back to Indiana do want to hang out sometime? I could let you try on 'The Jimmy Mod Jacket'...

Blog Jesus answers:

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That would mean I would have to think of you a real person and not just some pathetic schmoe seeking answers from an obviously delusion man.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

will the last supper be a potluck? if so, should i bring artichoke dip, chicken and mushroom quesadillas, or lasagna?

Blog Jesus answers:

It looks like we're good one food. What I really need you go bring is some wet naps that can absorb blood.


G.D. asks again:

And...do they offer treatment for the "Jimmy Mod Jacket" obsession? My therapist just fired me.

Blog Jesus answers:

If by "they" you mean sane people - no. They will just cast you back into the wild with the rest of the crazies.


Diva asks:

Dear Blog Jesus

Can I have my purse back? My other lipstick is in it.

Blog Jesus answers:

I need it tonight because it matches my clubbin' outfit. You can have it tomorrow.


Shaun asks:

Should I bet my life savings on the San Antonio Spurs or buy a #3 combo at Burger King?

Blog Jesus answers:

Neither. Go to McDonald's and use your life savings to buy a lot of $1.00 McChickens.


MrGumby2u asks:

Lately I've been having a problem with my heart sweating and my teeth grinding. Some say it's an addiction, but I think maybe I just need to move out of Gitmo. Which is it?

Blog Jesus answers:

Whatever you do, don't move out of Gitmo. That place is fucking fantastic. It's got chicks eating ice cream off of each other and water polo every other day. Also, it is not an addiction. You just need to take a real big shit. Unclench and let it go.


Mandolin asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How does one get into the band? I would very much like to add band member to my list of things about me that are awesome.

Also if there are no spots open in the band, who do I have to do/knock off to open one up?

Blog Jesus answers:

You get in the band on my say so. I have no requirements, you just need to wait for me to basically say "ah fuck it, you're in." I should warn you, I am incredibly lazy and generally don't give a shit, so it may take awhile.

I like that you are willing to kill for a coveted spot in the band. I would say your easiest targets right now are G.D. because she is heartbroken and Pops because well . . . he's weaker than a three year old girl.


Sandi asks:

Do you feel special with your own personal leach?

Also, why does Kris hate me? All I do is want certain government officials to DIE, and talk sex trash all day. I thought most guys would like that in a girl?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sandi, I have never though of you as a leech.

Did Kris discover a closet full of ball gags at your house too? My man gets around.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

how do you stop annoying bloggers? Is there some sort of Net Cop one can call?

Blog Jesus answers:

From what I am seeing, G.D. runs them off pretty well. I may need to send her in.


Holly asks:

Funny how he just assumes that you have skin.

What does my dad want for Father's Day?

Blog Jesus answers:

I know what he wants, but all I can say is that you cannot afford that much manure. Get him a mug and a tie.

__________________________________________________

I think I am going to finally run with scissors this weekend.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Sixty-Three

Someone call Guiness, I think the wonderfully literate and witty comments from that one person might be the greatest waist of time ever documented. That's right, even a bigger waste than the Bible.

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Kris asks:

Feliz Navidad.

What is my status with the band anyway?

Blog Jesus answers:

You are currently out of the band. Probably for some superficial reason. If I can muster up even giving half a shit I might bring some of you folks back into the band.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

do you think there will be a power station reunion when duran duran plays live 8 in july?

Blog Jesus answers:

No there won't be - only because the world cannot handle that many people becoming incontinent at the same time.


MrGumby2u asks:

It's swell being invited to the last supper and all, but does that get me in the band? (Disregard this question if Hernando(aka Kris) is in the band).

Blog Jesus answers:

You really have to be a bit insane to be in the band. From what I can tell, you are too firmly grounded in reality. Nut it up a bit and we'll see.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What are your thoughts on the following items of interest:

• bean bag chairs
• hernando
• extra crunchy peanut butter
• penis enlargement spam

Your cooperation is appreciated.

Blog Jesus answers:

Bean bag chairs: It is asshole ice cream.

Hernando: I sort of like him better than Kris.

Extra crunchy peanut butter: Hard to put in your pants.

Penis enlargement spam: A bit less delicious than regular spam.


Roximoon states:

Wow.. I just stumbled upon this and low and behold something in blogland as interesting to read as the diary of a london call girl.. Literally.. thats what I have been reading for like a week.. Please keep up the great shit.. :)

Blog Jesus answers:

Oh to be compared to a london call girl blog . . . my dream has come true.


Roximoon asks:

Dearest Blog Jesus,

After reading more of your questions and awnsers I have decided that for all your hard work and diligance I would be willing to lay myself out for you.. so.. the question is..

1. Hot pink leather hotpants and tube top with matching heels..or....

2. Black silk teddy with matching black garter and hose?

whichever or none.. its your choice!! ;)

Blog Jesus answers:

Folks, this is why you get into the Jesus bizness. I am going with number one.


Sandi asks:

What the Fuck!! Don't you just hate it when you attract chickenshit 10 year olds?

Damn that little bastard made me forget my question! Sucks getting older!! I'll be back when I remember it.

Blog Jesus answers:

That's why I don't hang out in play grounds any more. Well the court order has something to do with that too.


Kom asks:

Blog Jesus,

Paris Hilton??

Also, I've been thinking about replacing myself with a cardboard cutout at work. Can you suggest any worthwhile activities to do with my newfound time?

Blog Jesus answers:

Believe or not, Paris Hilton has a large role to play when the robots try and take over. I could say more but that would ruin the fun.

I hear repeatedly claiming you hate me and that I am gay is all the rage.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Assume I go on a 3 week Peyote binge and wake up in a bathtub full of ice in a seedy Mexican motel with a note that says "Seek medical attention, your kidney has been removed". Can you bump me up in the organ transplant list?

Also, if Hernando is in the band, can I get back in and demote him to roadie status?

Blog Jesus answers:

That depends. Are you planning on donating your other kidney or are you seeking another? If it is the former then yes, consider yourself number one. If it is the latter - stop being a greedy bastard, you still got one piss filter.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Do you think there's any truth to the whole "waking up on the wrong side of the bed" thing? Bc I'm in a shitty ass mood today and I need a good reason for it.

Blog Jesus answers:

There is no truth to that. It is the shower of hate that fucks your world up for the day.

_____________________________________________

I hate myself sometimes as well.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Sixty-Two

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Ok, I'll rely solely on your advice with my dream interpretation. The dream was about MPH and Pops. They were IMing. Pops kept calling MPH "Martin." What does this mean?

And more importantly, how can I make sure Blog Jethro never invades my dreamspace again?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think you had the first of many dreams that will allow you to piece together just how the world will end.

As for keeping Blog Jethro out of your dreams. I would suggest just getting your REM sleep taken away like what happened to the crew of the Enterprise in Star Trek: TNG. Sure you will go insane and eventually die, but no Blog Jethro.


Larry asks:

Will The Blog Jesus Band record our new protest song?

How can we implement payola in an all computer-programmed radio environment?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sure if I can get them to stop fucking groupies and doing lines of coke.

Find the computer programmers and threaten to burn their Star Wars collectible collection until they pay up.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

Is there life after blogging? I meant...is there life for you besides blogging? What I really meant is....do you have a life?

Clearly, I don't...see me waisting mine here?

Blog Jesus answers:

Well there was life before blogging and I am certain there is life after it. I already have my retirement planned out.

I don't have much of a life, but I do have one. It mostly involves thoughts of suicide, but it does get me out in the fresh air . . . on the roof . . . of a tall building.


Holly asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I'm so excited to see I'm invited to the supper. As there are already plenty of sandwiches and strippers, may I just bring my camera? Also, what can I do to attain "groupie" status? And will that allow me a backstage pass?

Blog Jesus answers:

There will be no photos at the Last Supper. That is how Senators are brought down. You can bring the drug mule that is going to supply the heroin for the party though. You need to go to the docks to pick the person up. It will be the person trying not to shit.

I am considering making you part of the band. You've done well pimping my blog and that alone gets you groupie status. Keep it up and you get to go to the big time.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I'm not sure what to do and I was hoping you could help. See, there's this guy... I think he totally has a crush on me. I catch him following me all the time, I know he talks to other people about me and then just today I find out that he's telling people he dreams about me.

I don't want to hurt the poor bastard's feelings, but how do I let him know I'm just not interested?

Blog Jesus answers:

There is no way to tell him that you're not interested without hurting him. And you won't just be hurting his feelings. There will be physical pain as well . . . tons of blood. I am selling tickets to the event.


Sandi asks:

Since you know everyone and shit, there is this guy I used to know named Jason. Jason used to call me up at three in the morning and leave me pussy messages. Could you find Jason and tell him that I miss his phone pussy?

Blog Jesus answers:

I'll do it, but you're going to have to pay me. I don't do sick shit for free. I'll take that back, if there are ping pongs involved I will do it for free.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I feel kind of sleepy.. what the fuck is the deal? Also, is Larry vomiting in his profile picture?

Blog Jesus answers:

G.D. drugged your food to put you to sleep so she could take your jacket. I was going to warn you but there was a wondeful article on Russel Crowe in "Entertainment Weekly" that I just had to read.

I think he is just thinking . . . while masturbating.

_________________________________________________

I need to go change a tire. Anyone have Jimmy Walker's new cell phone number?

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Sixty-One

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

Is there some kind of prize for not referencing that commenting controversy in my question yesterday? And if so, have I just blown it by indirectly mentioning it again here today?

Blog Jesus answers:

The prize for both is dedicating a whole post on this blog on Thurday's edition of the Bucket. You're a big winner! A big winner!


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What do you think the chances are of me getting an awesome make-out session with -G.D. if I give her 'The Jimmy Mod Jacket' ?

Alternatively, maybe we can work out a deal where I give her 'The Jacket' - she gives you the make-out session - and you give me special holy powers.. like being able to fly, shoot lightning bolts out of my hands, cure cancer, lead prayer, and make poisonous Kool-Aid®.

Blog Jesus answers:

Since the first idea doesn't involve me, you have no chance. Since the second involves me I can say you got a chance of the first part happening. But the powers shit - not so much.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Do you think bad drivers should have a special kind of license plate so everyone knows to avoid them? Where can I get one of those if that's made into some kind of law?

Blog Jesus answers:

Leave bad drivers alone. I am thoroughly entertained by interstate pile ups. Especially when the involve full school buses and a semi hauling dynamite.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I had a dream about bloggers. What does this mean?

Blog Jesus answers:

All that therapy you are paying for ain't doing shit and that's what you get for not just relying on my word.


Old Roses asks:

If I click the heels of the green stilettos together, will I go to heaven? Or does that only work with ruby slippers? If so, where can I get ruby slippers and will I look as hot in them?

Blog Jesus answers:

Ruby slippers will only get you attacked by midgets. Green stilettos won't get you into heaven either, but they will help you get laid more and that's a far better thing anyway.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

Did you see how Jimmy Mod has the look back on?? Bastard is flaunting his shit at me again. Collar up and everything!! Is he really part of "THE BAND"? I dunno man...I'm getting all these Yoko Ono vibes....with all this smack-talk about make-outs. He KNOWS I want the "blue stuff of coolness"...I think he wants to break up the band...and he has the means to do it.

I need your advise, as you are our front man.

Blog Jesus answers:

Jimmy Mod is not part of the band yet. If he gave me the jacket then he is a shoo in. Otherwise he is outty five thousand.


G.D. asks again:

Dear BJ,

If I can't have Jimmy Mod's jacket, can I get a consolation prize...like Kri's pink shirt? I'll buy him a purple one, to go with his white jeans.I refuse to give into Yoko.

Blog Jesus answers again:

Right now the only consolation prize we have available is one of SJ's kids.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

If there is a band, where are the groupies?

Also, if I am kicked out of said band, does that mean I'm doomed to crappy side projects ala the crappy daves (David Lee Roth and Dave Mustaine)?

Blog Jesus answers:

There are groupies, but since you are not currently in the band then you aren't seeing them.

Actually you're doomed to have crappy Cherone's as your lead vocalist.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I like how you said you were taking the "higher ground." It made me laugh in a punny kind of way.

Why are spiders so scary?

Blog Jesus answers:

Because they are black or brown.


Mandolin asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What should I do if I've just stubed the ever lovin' bejezus out of my toe, and it's bleeding..... a lot.

Blog Jesus answers:

Sharp kitchen knife and a lighter to cauterzie bloody stump will do the trick.

_________________________________________________________

Gotta go. Got shit to do.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Sixty

Before getting to the business at hand, I need to do some house cleaning to do.

First allow me to address Fuck off and his ilk. I am addressing you kids all at once because it is pretty obvious you share the same brain. I am also addressing you for the last time. Feel free to comment away, but I will not be acknowledging it. I have sooo much other petty shit going on that I just can't any petty shit with you guys into my schedule. Rest assured that I won't be deleting your comments either. For one, I haven't taken the time to learn how to do that. Second, I don't give enough of a shit to learn. So trumpet the "you are gay" thing until your own asses are sore.

Now, to my regular readers. While I am allowing douche bag and the dingle berries to continue to comment, I would prefer you people - my people - not get into pissing matches with them. While it is not in my nature, I am taking the higher ground (now - that whole douche and dingle berry thing treaded the sludge) so I ask that you do so as well. Also, for the record. I am heterosexual. A highly ineffective heterosexual, but a heterosexual nonetheless.

Alright, I have said my piece. Game on:

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Nain asks:

dear blog jesus,

Do you think "fuck off" has seen too many viewings of the Fight Club? Or is it just some kind of freak too much steroid overdose?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nain you get the privilege of being the last person who asks a "fuck off question" that I will answer. Congrats for what that is worth.

I think Fuck Off's problems stem from too much time viewing "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" than anything else.


Sandi states:

I don't care if you roger men, women, or pigs, okay the pigs would disturb me, but not for long. Fuck who or what you want just please be there the next time I need a mexican smited, (smote?) whatever.

Blog Jesus responds:

I like the fact that, with time, you would be able to understand why someone is fucking a pig. That is character to the max. I will run over a Mexican with a lawnmower for you any day.


Alex states:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Don't worry, You and I both know you're not gay. *wink wink*

Blog Jesus responds:

Yeah, I let you on as to just how ineffective a heterosexual I actually was. She wept people - large tears.


Old Roses asks:

Are the green stilettos making me gay?

Blog Jesus answers:

If by gay, you mean bomb ass hot. Then yes - you're fucking flaming.


Mandolin asks:

How can reading this blog make you gay?

Also, where can I find a really kick ass jean jacket?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sometimes my answers make people want to run to the nearest warm body for comfort. Sometimes that warm body happens to be that of the same sex.

Huey Lewis is having a garage sale next Saturday in Jersey.


Mandolin asks again:

Thank you for having my blog on the list of blogs invited to the last supper.

When the time comes for the last supper, what would you like me/my blog to bring? I can make a awesome potato salad, or I could just bring beer.

Also, can I still come to the last supper if I'm gay?

Blog Jesus answers again:

The food has been taken care of. As have the spirits. I am putting you in charge of vomit strainers.

You can. But you cannot touch anything.


NoBadDays in SD asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

All this talk about "gay" people. Why is everyone so happy? How nice.

Blog Jesus answers:

You mean the whole gay thing was about being happy? Fuck. I can't handle a whole bunch of happy people. Blog Jesus isn't about hope and loving life and that is all that happiness brings.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I just can't stop making jokes about lesbian clown porn. I really really want to but goddamn if it doesn't just make me giggle. It's that or the nitrous oxide. Please help.

Blog Jesus answers:

There is no cure for what ails you. Lesbian clown porn is hilariously erotic.


Diva of the Office asks:

Dear Blog Jesus

I've always felt that you could be gay. Thanks for owning up. That was brave.

What would be your dream knitting project?

Blog Jesus answers:

Again, highly ineffective hetero.

Little carriers for all of my coke that I can attach to my belt.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus,

why is there a website for vanilla coke, but not cherry coke?

Blog Jesus answers:

Cherry Coke is the black sheep of the Coke family. It's view on the war on Iraq virtually guaranteed its ass was never getting a website.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What's up with everyone asking questions about homosexuality?

Blog Jesus answers:

They really miss your jean jacket.


G.D. states:

Dear BJ,

Last night was great...you awesome.

****ok...the gay issue is now at rest...now pay up....you know what I want. It is blue, it is mod and you can wear it with the collar flipped up.

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, that was the best game of "Connect Four" that I have ever played.

I looked and they no longer have particular strap on in the color blue. Would green suffice?


Kenna asks:

Who cares if you're gay? What I want to know is do you think I'm a slut?

Blog Jesus answers:

I will have to see the video to make an informed decsion, but the preliminary answer is probably not.


Lisa asks:

I see I have been invited to the last supper... Thank you first of all.

What should I bring? Salad? Main Course..or hot strippers for entertainment?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have strippers hanging out all over the place so no worries theres. What I will need is large sheets of plastic and something strong that can get blood off of anything.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

when is Jimmy Mod coming back (if G.D. has his jacket, can he still use the photo?)

Blog Jesus answers:

No one backs Jimmy Mod into a corner. He'll be back when he is good and ready - which apparently two questions from now.

Yes he can. There are some thing you just don't mess with.


HFB asks:

I'm in the market for a new job. What are the career opportunities for King Shit of Fuck Mountain? What is the exact job description? Does it have health AND dental, what's the pay scale, and do you have to be gay, or can you just be mildly amused?

Blog Jesus answers:

That job has been filled. There is an opening for Slut Princess of Toilet Gulch and Jester Shit of Bastard Valley. The pay stinks and there are no benefits. You get the occasional piece of ham.


Satan asks:

I've changed my visage in an attempt to be as gay as people think you are. Any other tips? ]

Blog Jesus answers:

Oh, Satan - you're the type of asshole I can live with.


James states:

Dear Blog Jesus & Friends,

Jimmy Mod is back bitches!

Blog Jesus answers:

I don't think G.D. is thrilled to see you. She really wanted your jacket. Watch your back.


Kris asks:

I would just like to take this opportunity to point out that I am not fuck off. I know you Kris conspiracy theorists out there will automatically assume it's me.

Blow Jesus,

How much for an ounce?

Blog Jesus answers:

Thanks for clarifying that Blog Allah.

An ounce of what? An ounce of coke is $5,000. An ounce of kitten blood is $50.00. An ounce of ass sauce is $50,000. I could keep going on.


Swayer asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

When is Kris going to change out of his pink shirt?

Blog Jesus answers:

All he owns is pink shirts. We're stuck with it.

_____________________________________________________

I will be seeing some guy named Black who from time to time fronts some Catholics tomorrow. Please let me know if you want your money back from him.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Fifty-Nine

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Fuck Off states:

You are gay.

Blog Jesus answers:

That's an interesting take on the oil crisis. However, I do not believe soy beans are the answer.



Fuck Off asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why are you gay?

Blog Jesus answers:

It was either risk more STD's fucking your mom or roger men. I chose the safer route.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus -

Who do you think is sluttier - Lindsay Lohan or Cristina Aguliera?

Blog Jesus answers:

I know that Lohan will let you piss on her so my vote goes to Xtina.


Fox's Vixen asks:

Oh Blog Jesus,

Why is fuck off such a moronic second grader?

Blog Jesus answers:

Because even at the age of 21 he finds complex multiplication hard.


Sandi asks:

I think fuck off is jelous and wants some of the Blog Jesus. How will you accomidate him?

Please forgive me it is too early and I can't spell worth shit today.

Blog Jesus answers:

I think I will ride the pine on this one and let him go about life cold and alone.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Just because "Fuck Off" has a pink blog, that doesn't mean most of his fights are to see who gets to hide the sausage in Louie Anderson first, does it?

Blog Jesus answers:

It does and surprisingly he wins them all.


G.D. asks:

Did you miss me motherfucker? Oh, gosh...I'm so very sorry...that totally slipped.

Really...what did I miss while I was gone?? Did you get Jimmy Mod's jacket for me yet?? How many times did Pops make an ass out of himself?? Tell me, tell me.

Blog Jesus answers:

Okay Jimmy Mod's jacket . . . wait . . . Pops . . . ah fuck it, I changed my profile pic from William Katt to Mark Harmon and nothing beyond that matters.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Can you make someone gay just by saying "You are gay"? I'm worried because it's possible I might be the gayest motherfucker on the planet.

Blog Jesus answers:

Worry not Blog Jethro. The only thing saying "you are gay" does is piss people off and eventually lead to castration of he who dealt the verbal blow.


Alex asks:

Dearest Jesus,

I really need a new car, could you help me pick some winning lotto numbers?

xoxo

Blog Jesus answers:

4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42

Just don't get on a plane after using them.


Jasmine asks:

blog jesus,

i'm a first time caller/questioner. i'm 24. would it be wrong for me to sleep with a 19 year old, even if he was really hot?

also, speaking of really hot people, why is mark harmon so fucking hot? he's one of my favorite older men.

Blog Jesus answers:

What is really wrong here is that everyone is getting ass but me. Fuck whatever you want - just remember I am miserable.

He's Mark Harmon, nuff said.

______________________________________________

Am I gay? This is going to bother me all weekend.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Fifty-Eight

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Kris asks:

Where the hell have I been?

Blog Jesus belatedly answers:

You were gone?


Mandolin asks:

Oooooo, I got first question! Sweet.

Dear Blog Jesus,

What should I do if someone keeps calling me a slutty trampoline?

Blog Jesus answers:

Deactivate your Wonder Twin powers so that you're no longer a slutty trampoline and take the form of a rabid gorilla.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I know this guy, let's call him "Tops" (not his real name) who may or may not have gotten his string of anal beads stuck in his nasal cavity. He's a little too embarrassed to go to the doctor. Can you help?

Also: what should I do if nobody EVER calls me a slutty trampoline?

Blog Jesus answers:

Luckily your standard anal lube as works as a nasal lube. I bet your dumbass doesn't have any of that so I suggest you take a shit, smear said shit on your face, go to a free clinic, tell them you got confused and let them do their stuff.

Considered one of the ignored lonely people and go kill yourself.


Satan asks:

Jesarse

What would you say about someone who would run off to another e-deity the moment they were subjected to a little name calling?

Blog Jesus answers:

Fucking fantastic job Blog Jesus!


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why can't I stop calling Mandolin a slutty trampoline? Why?

Blog Jesus answers:

Well if she just hangs out there bent over like that and inviting men over then you really don't have a choice.


Swayer asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Should I attend the Swayer Fest 2005 this weekend (aka family reuion) or come up with a clever excuse to miss it?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think you should to go Swayer Fest, get shit faced and insult all your family members. Then the next day come up with a clever excuse not to show up next year.


Sandi asks:

Why is it when I read swayer's question I read CLEAVER instead of clever?

Blog Jesus answers:

You harbor a secret lust for some Wally cock.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Are you getting me something cool for my birthday?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am letting you live.


Swayer asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why didn't Brent get me something cool for my birthday? Is it because he's jealous of my green stilettos?

Blog Jesus answers:

Brent doesn't like you. He talks all about it in his newsletter.

He has a pair of brown stilletos that suit him just fine.


Mandolin asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Would it be all right if I suggested that Satan go fuck himself? I'm sure he does anyway, but can I suggest it? It would make me feel better.

Blog Jesus answers:

Run with it kid. I want you to feel better . . . okay, not really, I just want you to tell Satan to fuck himself.


Old Roses asks:

Where can I get green stilettos?

Blog Jesus answers:

If you're willing to kill Swayer then there is a pair right there.

________________________________________________

Uh . . . uh . . . I got nothing.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Fifty-Seven

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Sandi asks:

Ahh, the coveted first question spot. Why do people do stupid shit? I mean even when they see me standing there with a camera they just can't seem to stop themselves. Why?

Blog Jesus answers:

Without people doing stupid shit we would not have "America's Funniest Home Videos" and I for one cannot live in a world where that show does not exist.


Mandolin asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What does it take to be a good member of a large crowd?

Blog Jesus answers:

Converse sneakers and a kick ass jean jacket.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

south beach or atkins?

Blog Jesus answers:

Neither. Stick your fingers in your mouth, gag, puke, repeat.


Kom asks:

Blog Jesus,

I seem to have forgotten what I was going to ask. Can you help?

Blog Jesus answers:

You were going to ask: "Why do I get a homoerotic charge whenever I watch repeats of the Andy Griffith Show?"


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I was hanging with the governor last night. I wasted my time by talking about mercury levels. What should I tell the governor next time I see him?

Blog Jesus answers:

Tell him: "Listen we can talk about environmental issues until our asses get numb, but the people really just want to see me dance."


Swayer asks:

Rest easy knowing Blogger fixed my blog...Swayer the Player is back in business! http://swayertheplayer.blogspot.com

Oh Blog Jesus, whatever you did to make them fix it quickly...thank you!

Blog Jesus answers:

I was supposed to be worried? That takes time out of me not giving a fuck.

It wasn't me . . . thank my friend Mister Flaming Baseball Bat.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Am I a salad fork or a dinner fork?

Blog Jesus answers:

You're actually butter plate.

___________________________________________

Why hasn't anyone interviewed Hal Holbrook about this "Deep Throat" shit?

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus