And Now Your Answers - Day Fifty-Six

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lisa asks:

oh heavenly blogger,

I really need your guidance.

To shave or not to shave... that is the question.

Completely nude
or
landing strip
or
Full on 70's bush

Which is hottest ...

I will pray daily for a sign.

Blog Jesus answers:

Go full on, but dye it bright fucking pink.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Do you think it's possible for one to get paid to lay in bed all day eating junk food and watching Rocky & Bullwinkle DVD's? As well, how much excess weight and bedsores would one gain from being involved in such a profession?

Blog Jesus answers:

I didn't know Heightened Jesus, Inc. was looking for someone else to do my job. You only gain a few pounds because of all the flesh that you tear off your body by laying there. It's a trade off for sure.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How many cups of coffee is too much?

Blog Jesus answers:

Coffee is like liquid heroin and you have never have enough of it. Move up to buckets of coffee from now on.


Madolin asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Mac or Windows?

Blog Jesus answers:

I'll take eating macaroni over eating window panes any day.


Swayer asks:

Dearst Blog Jesus,

What the heck is wrong with Blogger? Why won't it let me post or update my blog?

I've been fighting with it for a week and no luck. I quit. I'm going to have to go make a new blog. Damn it!

Blog Jesus answers:

I don't have the space to go into everything that is wrong with Blogger. I mean, they tried to kill me so you know they be fucked in the head. I suggest loading your car with cannisters of gasoline, driving to bloggers headquarters and . . . offering to top of their tanks so that they'll get to fixing your blog faster.

_______________________________________________

My friends were right, I am not Deep Throat. I fucking hate when they are right.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Memorial Day Edition

That's right, Blog Jesus doesn't take a break on Memorial Day. I am here to keep you all on the right track as always. Okay, by right track I might actually be saying "I'm am phoning it in so that I don't have to answer twenty some questions on Tuesday." But at least you're getting answers. Lets roll the usual opening . . .

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Can Keith Richards be killed by conventional weapons?

Blog Jesus answers:

Keith Richards can barely be killed by unconventional weapons. I know for a fact that if you go at him with a dildo with a nail clippers attached to its end you're fucked.


Mandolin asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

If I'm "dating" a guy who lives an hour and a half away, is it wrong to sleep with a co-worker? What if said boyfriend and co-worker are both really cute?

Blog Jesus answers:

So long as you're getting the bone daily, nightly, and ever so rightly then it's all good. I would suggestion videotaping a "session" with each and when you break it off with one of them send that video to the now broken hearted man and show him why he's no longer getting your action.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Joey from Friends or Joey from Joey?

Blog Jesus answers:

Hands down, Joey from Friends. There never should have been a spin off. Since there was a spin off, they should have chosen a team of monkeys rather than a team of retarded squirrels to write that shit.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What would YOU do for a Klondike bar?

Blog Jesus asks:

Threaten you with an axe until it's handed over.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus,

what does george clinton look like without his colored weave?

Blog Jesus answers:

The mother from "Good Times."


James asks:

If Brent manages to do the impossible and kill Keith Richards and then we all smoke his ashes, what kind of drug-like effects can we expect to take place?

Blog Jesus answers:

Vomiting, killing kids while driving, and if we're lucky only court ordered rehab.


Diva from the Office asks:

Dear Blog Jesus

Why is diet pepsi still legal?

Blog Jesus answers:

To keep the heat off of what I am doing with Diet Dr. Pepper.


Holly asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Your plan didn't work. I still have a headache. And what am I supposed to do with this fuckin' parrot now?

Blog Jesus answers:

Well you didn't follow my instructions. You were supposed to savagely dismember the parrot and then you'd have that mess to clean up. That task would get rid of your hang over headache.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Which do you like better, cutesy cartoon George Clinton or drug-addled mugshot George Clinton?

Blog Jesus answers:

Dude, either way you are black and frighten the shit out of me.

__________________________________________________

I spent twenty minute of my day off on this?

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Fifty-Four

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Larry asks:

Whichever one of you cleared up that poetry thing for me, thanks. I could have told SJ about the "Drive me home immediately" thing, though. Even I would know better than to recite memorized poems to that kind of woman. Anyway, here's my question: SJ makes fun of me all the time, and never agress with anything I say on my blog or on hers. Do you think this means she "likes" me?

Blog Jesus answers:

SJ likes everybody in that 1970's coked up, scantily clad, disco queen sort of way.


Kris asks:

I will ask questionsin haiku form from now on.

Can you handle that?

Blog Jesus answers:

If you can handle me answering all your questions with : What a dipshit.


Mr.Gumby2u asks:

For the love of Bob, I didn't think he could do it, but kris just found a way to be even more annoying. Don't you have any control over these things? Don't you have reigning omnipotence or something?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am having a blast watching Kris self destruct so I really don't want to stop him. Train wrecks are fun.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Does Larry Jones know I like him? (and that I'm really 12 years old?)

Blog Jesus answers:

I don't think he does. When you passed the note to me in class to give to him, I kept it and burned it. Not because I don't want to see you kids together, but I had to figure out a way to get that gasoline of the kittens.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What's it all about?

Blog Jesus answers:

That varies from person to person. Thankfully, I know what each thinks what's it all about:

Pops - Gene Simmons

Kris - Liverwurst

SJ - Narcolepsy

Larry - Rocking chairs

Brent - Athlete's foot.

The list goes on and on. I will tell you the rest for a fee.


Holly asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,Can you do anything to stave off the enormous hangover that I will begin to create in about 4 hours?

Blog Jesus answers:

Go buy a parrot. Leave it in a place where I can get to it. Leave your door unlocked. Have sharp instruments ready. The mess alone tomorrow will make you forget about the headache and beer shits - guaranteed.


Sandi asks:

Viagra? Or as was mentioned elsewhere, were the Nuns right?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sure I'll take some Viagra, but only because I want me Steview Wonder with a boner Hallowee costume to be authentic.

__________________________________________________

It's Memorial Day weekend. Remember to tip the crazy homeless veterans when you walk by them this weekend.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Fifty-Three

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Satan asks:

Jesarse

What's with this asking me to shut the fuck up business? Don't you think that's a pretty lame threat considering just how annoying (but funny... to me ok, I didn't ask for your opinion on humour) a post of that length is?

PS. You've rented evil Mercedes, big deal, I've a rusty Datsun 180B that'd scare you shitless!

Blog Jesus answers:

Well I wanted to go to your home and take your children's toes, but the season finale of "Lost" was on so I didn't have the time.

Every thing I rent is evil and nothing scares me shitless. I am very shitful.


Sandi asks:

Thanks for your help with the rash. I still have it but now I get to watch all the gimppy children scratch also. What fun.When I say 'Kill Them All' why does that scare people? I'm not going to do it, but I wish SOMEONE would.

Please

Blog Jesus answers:

I don't think people are scared of it - more like frightened.


G.D. asks:

BJ,

Did you just call me a porker??

I will kick your saintly ass...I swear on your mother.

Blog Jesus answers:

I did not call you a porker . . . I said you had innappropriate relations with a pig.


Old Roses asks:

"If you're a groupie then your ass is the only pass you'll need"

So you've been reading the blog I write under another name?

Blog Jesus answers:

That and your diary. You're a sound sleeper.


SJ states:

Larry Jones asks: Can a guy get laid just by reciting romantic poetry from memory, or does he have to really know something about the needs and passions of women?

SJ answers (given permission to do so by Blog Jesus): Larry, you can never get laid by reciting poetry of any kind. The woman will think you are a creepy motherfucker and she'll ask you to take her home immediately.

Blog Jesus chimes in:

Don't forget about the ruffies.


Pops asks:

Beej,

An unusually strong set of answers yesterday.

I have two working hypotheses:

1) The temporary absence of your blogs gave you a new, deeper appreaciation for both your readers and your efforts, which inspired you to actually give a shit for once instead of phoning this crap in as usual.

2) You finally filled your Xanax prescription.

Please, which is it?

Blog Jesus answers:

You forgot about option three: This stuff is always gold and you're a jackass. I did fill my Xanax prescription, I just didn't take any.


Rambuncle:

BJ,

You answer all questions. SJ answered a question (with permission). Does that mean you and SJ were as one? The Holy Spirit, the Father and the Son are all separate but one. Are Blog Jesus and SJ separate but one, ruling over the Earth and the Heavens, as was, is, and shall be?

Blog Jesus answers:

Hell no. I am the only king shit of fuck mountain. I just threw SJ a bone.

_____________________________________________

Well I gotta go encourage a wife murderer to jump from an eighteen story crane. Wish me luck.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Fifty-Two

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Larry asks:

Can a guy get laid just by reciting romantic poetry from memory, or does he have to really know something about the needs and passions of women?

Blog Jesus answers:

Both knowing poetry and the needs and passions of a woman are useless. Repeat after me: ruffies.


Satan asks:

Jesarse

Are you asking me to post annoyingly long comments containing the complete works of JK Rowling? Because I can!!

Blog Jesus answers:

I will be asking you to shut the fuck up if I get a comment as long as the Matthew one ever again. I have hired new mercs and they are some evil bastards.


Holly asks:

I'm thinking of taking out either Pops or Larry so I can get a little higher on the waiting list. Which one do you like better?

Blog Jesus answers:

Well neither one showed any real emotion when Blogger tried to kill me yesterday, so I say let them both rot. I welcome your arrival to a higher spot in line.


SJ asks:

Blog Jesus,

Can I answer Larry's question? Please?

Blog Jesus answers:

Since you did give a fuck yesterday, yes I will alllow you to express your opinion on the matter. Just realize that your opinion is wrong and mine is right.


Sandi asks:

How do I get rid of this nasty rash?

Blog Jesus answers:

Rub up against some wheelchair bound children.


SJ asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

When did Jimmy Mod become James the Pensive? Was it Pops' fault?

Blog Jesus answers:

At 4:21 a.m. three nights ago.

When isn't it Pops fault (when it's Kris').


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus

What's the best way to get rid of a mirgraine? Bc I have one now that is a real bitch to deal with...

Blog Jesus answers:

Either sleep with a homeless person or walk into a crackhouse barefoot. Then migraines will be the least of your problems.


Jamison asks:

Blog Jesus,

I don't really see myself as the type of person that talks to a deity over the internet. I think of "those type" of people in a similar way that I think about the old people that call into C-SPAN or the freaks that try and strike up conversations at a supermarket.

Yet I don't know where else to turn. You're the only one that can help me.

I've never really been able to wrap my little brain around the idea of time. Time is just another property that is not constant but instead depends one your speed and location? I mean no offense by this, but that is just clearly fucked up. Was this your idea? If so, why?

Blog Jesus answers:

The concept of time is a really simple thing to get a handle around. Your brain might be smaller than you think.

I came up with the idea around the same time that I decided a sixth "Police Academy" was necessary to complete the saga. Some of the elements of the flick got mixed up with my idea for time and hence the fuckedness. I am too lazy to make things right.


James asks:

In the last post I noticed that my name was not listed when you mentioned 'the band'...

Let's review:

1. I have musical skills
2. I'm not as annoying as Kris
3. Last, but not least - I have 'the jacket'..

Why am I not in?

Blog Jesus answers:

You know, I am not really sure. Maybe you should "Ask Blog Allah."


Kris asks:

It is beginning again, Jesooks. Better make it so that no comments about me are allowed. I'm like a fire that won't be exstinguished.

Coke or Pepsi?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am glad you came out of "retirement."

Squirt.


G.D. asks:

BJ,

Where the fuck have you been? Disappear one more time and I'm gonna become Jewish.

I mean it.

Blog Jesus answers:

Blogger tried to kill me. They failed and I just might be more fucked up than ever as a result. You can't go Jewish anyway, there's that whole unwholesome relationship you have with pigs - remember?


Pops asks:

Beej,

Wow, Liverpool scored 3 goals in fifteen minutes in the second half to come back from 3-0 down, sent the game into extra time and then won the Champions League trophy on penalty kicks vs. AC Milan.

You obviously hate Italians. Why is that?

Blog Jesus answers:

Mussolini didn't take my ideas about how to run things serious enough.


She Hulk asks:

Will I go to hell if I masturbate? Will I go blind?

Blog Jesus answers:

As I have said before, if you're asking questions here you've already booked the ticket to hell and all that is left is the boarding.

The only way you'll go blind is if your vagina is as bright as the sun.


Eeky asks:

Hey Jesus,

Will you pet my monkey? How about feeding it? Will you feed it?

Blog Jesus answers:

I refuse to be pet or feed anything that routinely pisses on itself. So babies are out of the question as well.


Old Roses asks:

I noticed that you responded to Swayer's non-questions with questions. That makes me wonder. If Blog Jesus answers our questions, who answers Blog Jesus' questions?

Blog Jesus answers:

They were rhetorical questions and therefore do not count. I answer my own questions. It is a bit annoying and leads to a lonely existence.


Old Roses asks again:

Can I be a groupie for the band? Will that entitle me to a backstage pass?

Blog Jesus answers again:

If you're a groupie then your ass is the only pass you'll need (Larry told me to say that).


Holly asks again:

Pops, being a soccer fan, is already winning the Larry vs. Pops race. You wouldn't really miss Larry would you?

Blog Jesus answers:

A bit. But what causes me the most distress is that you're a soccer fan. You may not get very far on the waiting list yourself with that kind of voodoo belief.

_________________________________________________________

For starters, my name isn't Michael Vaughn either.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Fifty-One

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Kom asks:

Are there any supernatural rewards for posting the first question of the day?

Blog Jesus answers:

I won't sneak into your home and leer at you in a lustful way while you sleep . . . for a day.


Sandi asks:

Is it morally acceptable to kill a coworker that won't stop talking about blow jobs and anal sex?

Blog Jesus answers:

Beyond blow jobs and anal sex what is there to talk about? The weather? Clinch and suck it up.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why does the new Star Wars suck so hard?

Blog Jesus answers:

I actually enjoyed "Revenge of the Sith." It was not as good or better than the original trilogy, but it far surpassed the last two flicks. But I am a simple man with simple joys - they had me when the robots began setting other robots on fire.


Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

On the 50th day as Blog Jesucks, I can only make the observation that when you restrict the questions from being about me, the number of questions drop sharply OR they drop sharply due to my inactivity here.

Pickles: Dill or sweet?

Blog Jesus answers:

Interesting observation. I wish I gave a fuck.

Dill.


TLH asks:

Blog Jesus,

Where has Heightened Thoughts gone, and how many days of no Heightened Thoughts can pass before an addict's head explodes?

SANDI - Isn't there something called Title IX (I know it's Title Something) that prevents those kinds of coworkers?

Blog Jesus answers:

The blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" hasn't gone anywhere. It can still be found at http://www.heightenedthoughts.blogspot.com.

The number of days depends of the quality of crack circulating. The good shit will only keep your head solid for about three minutes. The bad, a long five days.


Old Roses asks:

I'm not as violent as sandi. Instead of killing the co-worker, is it okay to vomit when he pulls up his shirt and starts rubbing his enormous belly?

Blog Jesus answers:

If vomiting is how you get off to that type of sexiness then more power to you.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What's the best way to tell white guys they sound foolish when they say "fiddy?"

Blog Jesus answer:

Are you making fun of the speech impediment that I have which also effects my typing. You fucking anti speech-o-dite.

To answer your question, any cracker ass cracker that uses the word fiddy regularly needs to be capped.


Pops asks:

Beej,

This whole blog is a scam to produce something in which the readers provide more than 50% of the content, isn't it?

As such, wouldn't a more appropriate title be "Read As Blog Jesus Exploits Readers"?

We're forming a union, just so you know.

Blog Jesus answers:

I can both confirm and not deny that statement.

Actually the better title, "I Can't Believe you Ass Clowns Actually Spend Time Thinking of Dumb Fucking Questions that I Will Likely Dismiss."

Satan asks:

Matthew 1:1 The book of the generation of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham.

Matthew 1:2 Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Judas and his brethren;

. . . eat fuck if you think I am copying the whole damn thing . . .

Was this really inspired by you or was Matthew just dicking with us?

Blog Jesus answers:

Pops if this is one the people in your "union" then consider me extremely not worried.

Btw Satan, for wasting my time you need to find me four new disciples.


Sandi asks again:

WHAT THE FUCK IS SATAN THINKING?

My question was, do I get brownie points for pimping Ask Blog Jesus, when I was not sentenced to?

Blog Jesus answers again:

No, but I won't try licking your face after I sneak into your house and leer at you lustfully while you sleep . . . for today.


Swayer states:

First off, Satan - I'm sure there is something better to invest your time in...copying and pasting the book of Matthew in a blog isn't your best work.

Second, Blog Jesus - you have great fashion sense! The green stilletos were a hit with my new outfit!

P.S. - Kris, there is no other pickle worthy of our time than Dill. Any who disagree need a good kick from me while wearing my gree stilletos.

Blog Jesus responds:

Satan has done good work?

Did you actually think I would do you wrong?


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus - What is wrong with Satan and his annoyingly long posting? Do people just try to be annoying when the comment?

Blog Jesus answers:

He was probably beaten as a child and wrote long things to help him ignore the pain.

Look at everything Pops has ever written - yes.


HFB asks:

I've lost count, or interest. But anyway, who's still in the band, and how many of them give you sandwiches?

Blog Jesus answers:

I believe that Alex, G.D., SJ, Larry and myself are still in the band. Pops is getting closer to being invited again. Brent and Steph have a long way to go. You have a bit of a chance. Kris is fucked.

They all give me sandwiches. You're the only person evil enough not to.


Holly asks:

Is there some penance I can do for being a conniving, devious bitch? If so, do I have to do it for each individual act or can I just do something to cover the general state of being so?

Also, wasn't Satan kicked out of heaven for less than that annoyingly long comment shit? Can't you kick him out of the blog?

Blog Jesus answers:

I recommend and fully support you being a conniving and devious bitch. Run with it.

He was kicked out for pissing in the wind and showering Frank Sinatra if I am not mistaken.

I could, but that whole not giving a damn mindset that I have dissuades me from doing it.


Swayer asks:

Dearest Blog Jesus,

Is it wrong that I not only noticed I was on the invite list for the Last Supper, but also clicked on my link and found that it doesn't work properly?

Honesly, I have no in this as I am one bitch'n babe; however, I felt the need to point out your link error.

Your ever-faithful servent who is still praying for world peace and a higher grade of free porn,

Swayer

Blog Jesus answers:

I am aware of the problem and you are not the only one affected. I am trying to figure out what I did wrong or why Blogger is dilly dallying around and not correcting it. You'll be made whole again soon.

_______________________________________________

What was that book that Satan was quoting anyway? I saw no mention of Harry Potter, which is my literary depth.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Fiddy

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

Why are so many people leaving blogosphere or changing their "personas"??

Are you going to leave me too?

Blog Jesus answers:

Why are so many people leaving? Their moms got tired of them masturbating while on the computer.

Why are they changing personas? By not masturbating they have found Christ.

Am I going to leave? Much like herpes I can be controlled by drugs but I will never go away.


Karmathreefold asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I am new to the blogging faith and have just discovered that we even had a blog jesus. Pls forgive my ignorance...How ever I do have a question....

Why is it that life takes away so many good ppl? I mean you meet some really great ppl through blogging, then all of a sudden they disappear from the blogosphere! With no advance warning!

Blog Jesus answers:

Besides the whole deal with masturbation, several other bloggers find that drugs are a better alternative than typing. So they do a lot of drugs, lose all their money, and have to sell their computers as a result. Therefore no more blogging.


Kenna asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I came to your comment page and then discovered I had nothing to say and tried to navigate away, but the window wouldn't close. I took that as a sign that I needed to stay and say whatever was on my mind.

So in keeping with the theme of blog personas and good people going away (blah, blah, blah) I wanted to ask ... how many blogs is too many? I think I now own or contribute to eight different blogs using at least three different personas.

Is that too many? And if no one knows about my secret other blog, will anyone miss me when I'm gone?

Blog Jesus answers:

If you can remember how many blogs you own or contribute to then you probably have too many. It's the same problem with children. The only solution is to drown a couple of them in the river and hope the coyotes get to them before the bloodhounds do.

I doubt anyone will miss you. You have to be important like me to be missed.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Where did I put my f'ing car keys? Give a brother a clue.

Blog Jesus answers:

Here's the clue: The clown you were grooming took them.

_________________________________________________

I may have hit a new low today. That's exciting.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Forty-Nine

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Sandi asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Would it be wrong of me to turn in a coworker for sleeping, even though I let them and only want a promotion?

Blog Jesus answers:

It would not be wrong at all. If one phone sex worker is sleeping that means one man is not getting off and having really impure thoughts. That person is not doing his or her part to tame the beast.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

Is MPH an only child? He doesn't play well in the sandbox and if he flings another handful of sand in my eyes again...I'm gonna have to give him a very painful wedgy. Does he enjoy wedgies?

Blog Jesus answers:

MPH has an undisclosed amount of siblings. If you're giving the wedgie he is game.


Pops asks:

Beej,

So anyways, I was thinking:

Got my hand in my pocket and my finger's on the trigger
My posse's gettin' big - and my posse's gettin' bigger
Some voices got treble - some voices got bass
We got the kind of voices that are in your face
Like the bun to the burger - like the burger to the bun
Like the cherry to the apple - to the peach to the plum.

What exactly do you imagine that means?

Blog Jesus answers:

That white Jewish boys from the NYC know how to lay some mad lyrics on all our asses.

Larry asks:

If Pops (like, I'm sure that's his real name) eschews song lyrics on his own blog, why does he use them in this holy place?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think Sandi's co-worker sleeping has something to do with his vile act.

_________________________________________

Slow day. People must be stepping in the Sith.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Forty - Eight

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Kris asks:

Ha! You rat bastard. I'm free in June/July. Whaddya think?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think you just retired from blogging and need more rest before re-entering the fray.


Pops asks:

Does missing a day of question-asking take me out of the running for Replacement Blog Jesus (Blog St. Paul? I dunno...)?

Blog Jesus answers:

No, but it does hurt your chances. I recommend heavily pimping this blog in your next post to gain back some points.


G.D. asks:

BJ,

Your main bitch here...so did you get the idea from the huge success of my Guest Moderator week?? That's ok...I don't expect you to be more creative than me...after all, your only Jesus. Bringing Kris back from his blogging grave will sure bring you some readership. Please not Pops...please I beg of you my sweet Lord...not Pops.

Blog Jesus answers:

I did not take the idea from your blog. I am just entering in seeing someone fail miserably at this awesome thing I do. Saying that, Kris may have just been put at the top of the list.


Kom asks:

Is Buffalo Bill from the "Silence of the Lambs" the same actor as the chief from "Monk"? How did he bypass the obvious typecasting?

And: earthquake insurance or trust in FEMA?

Blog Jesus answers:

He had no choice but to branch out. He tried to find foles where you hid your junk and pranced around, but few movies offered the opportunity.

Trust in FEMA. Insurance will only say the earthquake could have been prevented if you checked your fuses.


HFB asks:

How are you going to break the news to the rest of the rabble that I, and only I, am going to be your replacement?

Blog Jesus answers:

For you to even be in consideration a sandwich better materialize pronto.


Brent states:

Blogus,

Let me Blog-sit for you.

Everything will be exactly the way you left it when you come back. I promise.

signed,

Krazy Eyez Killah
(now with less crazy eyes)

Blog Jesus responds:

In order for you to blogsit, you'll need to take care of my craving for more krazy eyez.


Swayer asks:

Enough of the kissing ass to be your replacement while you're on vacation and back to the REAL issue!

Which shoes go best with my new outfit...the black stilletos or the black maryjanes?

Blog Jesus answers:

Stilletos all the way. But they need to be green.


SJ states:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Will you please tell Jimmy Mod that we kid him out of love, out of compassion...eh, fuck it, just tell him we want Jimmy Mod back.

Blog Jesus responds:

You dare mention love and compassion. That's one "Heightened Thoughts" pimping as penance.


HFB asks again:

Since you are (or your alter ego MPH is) a self-proclaimed 'comment whore' should we all be using some sort of protection while commenting here?

Blog Jesus answers again:

What I got would only eat through whatever protection you use.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why don't we let hell freeze over and allow Blog Allah to take over for you?

Love,

Jimmy Mod

Blog Jesus answers:

Ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha. That was funny Jimmy.


Holly asks:

My automobile finance company charges me a $3.50 "courtesy charge" each time I pay them over the phone via automated system. I don't really see the "courtesy" here considering I save them money on things like paper and postage, not to mention the 18 cents they would have had to pay a Phillipino woman in a call center to spend 30 minutes trying to understand that I'm trying to make my damn payment. So...is it fair to tell them to burn in hell collectively, as a company, or should I only be directing that order to the CEO? Also, are there any follow-up measurements I can take to ensure the fiery after-death?

Blog Jesus answers:

Just tell the CEO, but after blowing up the office building that houses his staff and callers. That will ensure a fiery after death for you both.

_________________________________________

Man, mention a temp search and they are all up your ass.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Forty-Seven

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Larry asks:

Holy Ghost? Or Holy Spirit? And really, where was he during the Passion?

Blog Jesus answers:

Holy Spirits actually. He was drunk off his ass in a gutter. The motherfucker.


Digitalicat asks:

Larry's on to something there.

Dear Blog Jesus,

Can you explain this whole trinity thing to me again? You and your dad are separate and simultaneously not separate? I just don't get that.

Blog Jesus answers:

It is a rather complex thing, but I think two words explain it all - peanut butter.


Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why doesn't the younger generation understand that Natalie Portman just doesn't hold a candle to Carrie Fisher in slave outfit circa Return of the Jedi?

Blog Jesus answers:

Because it took Lucas too damn long to get Jedi out on DVD.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

If I go to jail, will you post my bond?

Blog Jesus answers:

I won't, but Pops has told me in confidence that he would.


MrGumby2u asks:

Why is Dusti carrying Blog Kris's water?

Blog Jesus answers:

She's actually carrying a colostomy bag she's carrying and that ain't water.


Kom asks:

Why two ply? Couldn't there just be a single, thicker roll?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nine out of ten sore assed people agree that two ply is the better defense to accidental digital insertion.


HFB asks:

If I drive my Chevy to the levee, but the levee is dry, who will wash my socks?

Blog Jesus answers:

I won't, but Pops told me in confidence that he would.


TLH asks:

Dear Blog Jesus -

Google and Jeeves having failed, what's the best way to STALK someone far away?

Blog Jesus answers:

Two skinny Asian midgets with a good cell phone plan.


Dusti asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What does mrgumby2u mean about me carrying Blog Kris' water? And does he know I'm Blog Kris' sister?

Blog Jesus answers again:

I think I handled the first question already. Probably not, he's a dedicated disciple and never strays into the Kris zone.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why do the same people who make fun of my blog picture also ask me to bring it back?

I would also like to admit that I am, in fact, Blog Allah and now that I have two jobs and a CD distribution business and I can no longer handle being a Blog Deity... Do you want the blog? Email me.

Blog Jesus answers:

To make fun of it some more.

Nah, just burn it to the ground and salt the earth.


Blog Allah Mod states:

MPH couldn't break me and I am a awesome piece of awesomeness. The End.

Blog Jesus answers:

James, Jimmy, Jim. You say you stopped because you're too busy but we all know it is because I broke you. Long live me.


G.D. asks:

Oh shit...James was blog Allah?!? No way, I don't believe it. And here we all thought it was...

I hope you feel like the sacred ass that you are BJ.

On to my question...

Do you think James would consider giving Blog Allah to me? How about his jacket...he is not wearing it anymore...do you think he'd give it to me?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am sure he would consider giving you the mantle of Blog Allah, although I will tell you that it will hurt your chances of becoming temporary Blog Jesus when I take a break in either June or July.

As for his jacket, I am not so sure. I think he would lose his Jimmy Mod cool and with all the other work he is doing he needs that to keep balanced. Plus G.D. Mod doesn't rock much.

_____________________________________

Hmmmmm . . . so it was James. I guess if I gave a damn I would apologize to Kris.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Forty-Six

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Who's your caucasian?

Blog Jesus answers:

Honkies haven't done shit for me and I don't do shit for them. But on occasion I have claimed Billy Zane as my caucasian.


Bricotrout asks:

dear blogjesus,

youre a logical and rational kind of saviour, a characteristic that you get from your father no doubt. why do so many people around your dads planet simply take it for granted that whatever religion they were told is the true one actually is? everything else in life we suspend belief until we see proof but on the single most important topic to our soul we blow off all thought and deductive reasoning and just go with what we see everyone else believing? seems kind of illogical and irrational to me.

Blog Jesus answers:

It is illogical and irrational and that is how I want it. I we didn't have pigheaded religious people do you realize how boring the world would be? Though, it would probably increase my traffic.

Also the single most important topic to our soul is whether Jennifer Garner is pregnant.


Pops asks:

Beej,

We may actually have an area of overlapping interest in rooting for the Pacers, you because you're from Indiana (everyone assumes Nazareth, but I know it's Indiana) and me because Reggie Miller is my Riverside, CA home-boy. Convince me that this isn't the last portent of the end of the world, would you?

Also: I'd like to second SJ's motion to bring back the Jimmy Mod picture.

Blog Jesus answers:

I'd love to say it isn't, but it is. We're extremely fucked.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

If a guy kisses me on our first date, is it ok to slip him the tongue?

Blog Jesus answers:

It depends. If it is your tongue - no. If it is a cow's tongue - yes. If it is Jan Michael Vincent's tongue - probably.


Sandi asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why did I feel the need to tell the world about my phone sex habit? Also how can I stop it?

Blog Jesus answers:

So you could lay claim to the fact that only you, porn, and Star Wars have given geeks erections while they were surfing the web.

Call 555-Blog-Jesus and sound sexy.


MrGumby2u asks:

The guy in the Rolling Stones, the incredibly old looking one who plays the guitar; is there an "S" on the end of his last name or not? And why?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am assuming you are talking about the incredibly old looking Ronnie Wood and not the incredibly old looking Keith Richards. Or the incredibly old looking Mick Jagger. Or the incredibly old looking . . . I think you get the point. Why no "S." Because's a Stone man and he fucking rocks.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus, does Brent have as many faces as Larry Jones?

Blog Jesus answers:

He has two fewer. But he does have more toes.


Afe asks:

Why is my bottom itchy?

Blog Jesus answers:

Your crabs are stuck in you poorly wiped ass.

_________________________________________________

That's how you bring new readers back people.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Forty-Five

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Citrus asks:

Dear Blog Jesus: I dyed my hair black yesterday and it was a mistake of unholy proportions. Would you do me a solid and just change it back to a luscious auburn while I'm asleep tonight? Don't do it while I'm awake, as I am rather busy and don't want to be interrupted.Thanks.

Blog Jesus answers:

I only have time during the day. My nights are full of porn and nachos. Unless you can abide by my schedule you're fucked.


Kris asks:

Blah,

What do you think your readers are going to do when you start turning your back on them for asking questions about me?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think my readers are fully aware that I don't really like them and I doubt there a lot of questions about you in the future.


Josh asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I see that thou hast so graciously added a link to my blog on thy waiting list for the last supper. I am most thankful to be on this list, O Blog Jesus, but I have one question. Thy link used the spelling "picture" when indeed the correct spelling of my blog is "pickture." Hast this been done purposefully so?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's nice to see I have a time traveling Englishman visiting and asking questions. Sorry, I spell many, many words incorrectly - except the word picture. I will make the change when I get the urge to give a shit about updating things. Try back in a week.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Wow, I can't believe Malcolm Glazer bought a controlling interest in Manchester United. Now all the British people are going batshit crazy over an American buying their beloved squad. I don't remember this kind of outcry when that Russian guy bought Chelsea Football Club a couple years ago and now Chelsea won the Premiership for the first time ever just last month. There's lots of controversy now too since Liverpool are going to finish out of the top four (behind Everton, ironically) but still might win an automatic Champions League place if they beat AC Milan in the final in Istanbul on the 23rd, which would (obviously) give England 5 Champions League places instead of their allotted four for next year. And don't get me started on this John Obi Mikel thing.

I guess my question is: why does everyone hate poetry so much?

Blog Jesus answers:

Because nothing rhymes with orange.


James asks:

How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man? On a related note, what kind of medicine was Johnny mixing up in the basement?

Blog Jesus answers:

Seventy and a half.

Robutussun.


Kom asks:

Blog Jesus,

A most pertinent question: Why something, and not nothing?

Also, what's up with that thing I saw today? Is it a sign that I should stop drinking, or laugh more at old people?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am a proponent for nothing actually. Something always gets your shit kicked, while nothing keeps your shit in line.

Laugh at old people while throwing your empties at them.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I have a friend stuck in a bad relationship. She knows things will never get better, but she doesn't know how to walk away. What advice do you have for her?

Blog Jesus answers:

Move her right leg forward. Do the same with the left. Repeat often.


Satan asks:

Jesarse - Thanks, the bready pill poppers can't remember if they were grateful. Nice Work.

I was trying to hang an art-work the other day using one of your kidney stones and small amounts of crystalised calcium, oxalate, and uric acid just don't work as a tool. Is Jenny Holzer actually brilliant or is she just using her post post-modernist tag as a cover for being a talentless hack with no imagination?

Blog Jesus answers:

The latter. And you should be using hyper-oxalate, not just oxalate.


Kris asks again:

Do your readers know that you feel the need to check what's happening at my blog before you post to your own?

Blog Jesus answers again:

Some might. Nine times out of ten I visit the band blogs to see what has been written, determine how sucky it is, and figure out if I can mail it in or bring the B-game.


Kristi asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I've missed you, have you missed me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, but not as much as I missed myself.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Have you ever seen a lemon with black hair before?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes. Scott Baio.


SJ asks again:

Blog Jesus, how can we convince Jimmy Mod to bring back his previous photo, the mod one. Should we beg?

Blog Jesus answers again:

I think asking nicely might do the trick. Or buying his CD.

_____________________________________________

Time to go shoot some turtles.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Forty-Four

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Kris asks:

What happens if I ask a question about myself, like this one?

Blog Jesus answers:

I guess you have the right to ask about yourself to an extent. I will help you cope with being you, but I will not answer any questions about how awesome you are or how long it will take to "rule us all" (okay I will answer that now - never). But people only Kris can ask about Kris - all the rest of you find a new chew toy.


OldRoses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is it true that the universe began with The Big Bang? If so, who were you banging?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually it began with the Long Piss after the Big Bang. There were so many women that night that I am not sure which one I was dealing with at the time.


Satan asks:

Dear Jesarse of the Blue and Orange Persuasion

Crop circles, created by a higher intelligence, Star Trek fans or transcendental energy flowing between different dimensions as described in M-Theory? From all the grain lost in the creation of these phenomena, how many loaves would that make and do you think you could divide them to cater for several thousand people at an outdoor rave this weekend?

Blog Jesus answers:

It was transcendental energy flowing from Star Trek fans after watching Jerri Ryan in "Boston Public," ironically.

The amount of grain lost would make 732 loaves of bread. I will divided them up into ecstacy sized pills for the ravers.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus -

Is it true that everything we need to know we learned in kindergarten? Do I really need all this higher education?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yep. All you really need to know is the alphabet, how to count change, and that you should not shit yourself in public. Higher education is just a ploy by the man.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Do you think it's a good idea for me to drop out of college and become a full time rock star? When I say 'rock star' I really mean hobo.

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, so long as you have some broken down shoes and a good knife to cut other hobos with.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Can I sue the Porn Industry for my carpal tunnel?

After all, they should be putting warning labels on those tapes.

Also, if it goes class action, you want it?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. The porn industry is the only thing good going on in this Blog Jesus foresaken world. I will not let you bring it down.


SJ asks:

What would the name of Jimmy Mod's band be?

Blog Jesus answers:

I Heart Blog Jesus and Hair In My Eyes.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

Why does MPH hate me? I thought I was one of his main bitches. Is it because I called him "little" on my blog?

Where can I get a Jimmy Mod jacket?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's Blogger's fault, honestly. You'll always be one of my main bitches.

From Jimmy Mod's dead body. Arrangements can be made.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Have you heard anything about Mel Gibson making any kind of a sequel to "The Passion of the Christ"? I think it would be boss if he would focus on that time Jesus went all Lethal Weapon and beat down the money-changers in the temple but I'm afraid it'd just be 2 hours of Jesus passing a kidney stone in Aramaic.

I guess my question is this: if Jesus passes a kidney stone, is it still holy once expelled or is only holy while still lodged in his urethra?

Blog Jesus answers:

The stone becomes a tool for Satan once expelled from the Jesus penis.

_____________________________________________________

While everybody is working for the weekend, I will be trying not to kill myself.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Forty-Three

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

If I were to ask a perfectly mundane question about boring stuff like buttons or milk, what are the odds that Kris will insist it's really all about him? This question, for instance, has nothing to do with him, but I bet he gets all territorial anyway, watch.

Blog Jesus answers:

The odds are quite good. We're talking Dubya says something stupid odds.


Kris asks:

Blejus,

What do you think the odds are that people will continue asking questions about me on a blog that's all about you?

Blog Jesus answers:

After today, slim to none. I am officially calling for a cease and desist on all Kris related questions after today. The mere fact that so many of you ask Kris related questions tells me that you all have other problems that need to be addressed.

And no Kris, this doesn't mean you won - I am just bored of you.


Jenny asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why is it that water farts smell so much worse than regular ones?

Blog Jesus answers:

Most water is nothing but condensation from White Castle hamburgers that have been sitting out all day.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What does all of this mean?

Blog Jesus answers:

"All of this" generally means the entire collection of stuff, shit, or things that one is referring to at the time.


HFB asks:

What the hell is Digitalicat's picture? And why does it make me want to wash my eyes out with bleach? And how, exactly, is it connected to Kris?

Blog Jesus answers:

That would be a chimp's ass.

Chimp's asses have that effect on you.

It's a chimp's ass.


Nogh asks:

Sup Blog Jesus,

Michael Jackson - Guilty or innocent?

Paula Abdul - Freaky or frigid?

Dave Chapelle - Sane or batshit fucking crazy?

Blog Kris - Sexy or sucky?

MPH - Dickhead or dickweed?

Blog Jesus answers:

Guilty, but will be found innocent and make a hit musical about the whole ordeal.

Anyone that dances with an animated cat is freaky.

Tremendously sucky.

Both.



OldRoses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Kris has left two comments on my blog. The first one was a threat to take over my blog. The second one was a plea for a link to his blog. What is the most appropriate response to these two contradictory messages?

Blog Jesus answers:

Simply say fuck you ass munch.

___________________________________________________

The Kris question moratorium begins now.


As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Forty-Two

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Kris asks:

What's Jess' address?

Blog Jesus belatedly answers:

Oh, it's 86 - like I would give a disciples address to your creepy ass. Feel better now that you're not being "ignored?"


Larry asks:

I heard Paul is dead, but I'm not sure about that since he has a World Tour scheduled this fall. So what's the skinny?

Blog Jesus answers:

Paul did die. But he is also going on tour. I am have decided that his re-animated corpse performing hits by New Edition would be worth double his original ticket amount of $300.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Up until the above question by Larry, when was the last time an English speaking human being used the phrase "what's the skinny"?

Blog Jesus answers:

Artie Smithwell, in his living room while talking to his son about LSD in December of 1972.


Satan asks:

Oi Jesarse! Who the hell do you think you bloody well are? the Brown freakin Hornet, I gave you a choice of two, count them! 1... and 2... TWO! now TELL ME, Pink and Green or Blue and Orange?

Also, Do you know a good anger management centre?

Blog Jesus answers:

If you insist, I will have to go with blue and orange.

You can find one on the corner of Pink and Green in MPHville, Indiana.


OldRoses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is it true that Blog Kris secretly wants to be MPH?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. He openly admits to wanting to be MPH. He's a sad, sad man.


Swayer asks:

Dear JC,

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors and scissors beats paper...what beats me?

Blog Jesus answers:

My open hand across your face for confusing Blog Jesus with J.C.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Do you think Pops could kick Don Knotts's ass?

Or is he on the meth again?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. Knotts would make him bleed quick.

Don Knotts never actually kicked the meth. He turned to heroin for stint which would explain the "Furley" days, but eventually he returned to his first love.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

Was MPH the person that broke Kris' heart? He was crying about it like a little girl on his blog.

Blog Jesus answers:

Kris doesn't have a heart so it can't be broken. He just cries because that's all he has left.


Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What's up with giving people free will, then punishing them not only in this life, but for all eternity if they make the wrong choice?

Blog Jesus answers:

All I can say about that is that I am one mean motherfucker and no one has ever had free will. You're all my ass monkey puppets.


Kristi asks:

Dear blog Jesus,

I need to lose four pounds by Saturday. Any ideas?

Blog Jesus answers:

You'll need a garden hose, some whiskey, and some lube.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Who came up with the word "blog?" And will you smite that person for me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Artie Smithwell came up with the word in September of 1998. His son then had an LSD flashback and ate Artie's flesh.

_________________________________________________

R.I.P. Artie. No one liked you at all.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Forty-One

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Larry asks:

When did "investment grade stock" become a euphemism for "junk bond?" Do you want to buy some General Motors paper?

Blog Jesus answers:

June 17, 1998 at approximately 2:49 a.m. Eastern Standard Time.

I think I will pass, I have enough toilet paper.


Satan asks:

Pink and Green or Blue and Orange?

Blog Jesus answers:

Neither. I am a Brown and Yellow man.


Blog Allah asks:

Why can't we all just get along? I'll call off my lawyers if you promise to call a truce. Hell, I'll even bring over some falafels and we can watch 13 Going On 30. What do you say?

Blog Jesus answers:

If we all got along there would be more slapping out of spite and I like slapping out of spite.

Why do I have to call the truce? You're the one that encroached on my territory. I will take the falafels for Alex and a copy of "13 Going on 30" as your first of many gifts of forgiveness.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

"13 Going On 30?" Is Blog Allah gay?

Blog Jesus answers:

Flaming, but that has nothing to do with this Jennifer Garner masterpiece.


Scott asks:

particles or waves?

Blog Jesus answers:

Waves - with some blonde highlights and frosted bangs.


Nogh asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How can I get that new Gwen Stafani song out of my head? It's fucking horrible, yet it won't go away!

This shit is bananas!

B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Please Blog Jesus, have mercy on my soul.

Blog Jesus answers:

Start listening to No Doubt's "Don't Speak." When that gets tired your only option is to off yourself.


Pops asks:

Beej,

You said yesterday I only have two kids when in actuality I have three.

Do you know something I don't? Am I about to be rid of one of them? If I'm not, don't fucking tease me.

Blog Jesus answers:

You're not about get rid of one. The plain and simple fact is that one of your children is a figment of your imagination. You have to figure out which one though. I could help you, but that would be no fun at all.


SJ asks:

Blog Jesus,

Why does Blogger make our names in lower case when we leave a comment, even though we've put them in upper case when we signed up?

Blog Jesus answers:

It has to do with the fact that most bloggers are women and Blogger feels it is their duty to make the female race continue to feel as inferior as possible.


Kristi asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Are Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and the Great Pumpkin real?

Blog Jesus answers:

The first three are frauds. The Great Pumpkin was real. However, it was killed and used as Charles Schultz casket.


Brent asks:

Dear Bejus,

I plan on starting a band in the near future where I jump up and down a lot, play the same 3 bar chords in rapid succession, and kick my fans in the face. What would be a good name for the band?

Blog Jesus answers:

Allah Freaking Monkeys


Holly asks:

I can eat just one Lay's potato chip. Does this mean I have something that others just don't have? Am I better than them?

Blog Jesus answers:

All that it means is that you have enough sense not to fill yourself up with that garbage. If you can't tell, it's Pringles or nothing for Blog Jesus.


Jess asks:

If my undergraduate degree is a Bachelor of Journalism, is it inappropriate to refer to it as my five year BJ?

Blog Jesus answers:

Not at all. I think it will lead to career opportunities and is much better than "my five year herpe blister."

_______________________________________________

Congrats to Uchenna and Joyce. You're no Kris and Jon, but you're also not Rob and Amber. Enjoy all the kids the money can buy.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Forty

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Larry asks:

Should I adhere to my core beliefs, even if the government sends soldiers to humiliate, scourge and crucify me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Of course. What other time are you going to be able to yell "Freeeeedommmmm!"


Blog Allah states:

No car?

Ok.. no problem. I have a special package in the mail to you right now then.

Blog Jesus answers:

If I can walk on water and shit ice cream don't you think I'll also be able to detect your mailed dirty bomb?


Kris asks:

Blah jus,

What are you going to do about all your "loyal" readers that are migrating to my camp?

Also, don't you find it oddly coincidental that you get more visits when I ask questions?

Don't worry about bla lah, once I finish taking over the important blogs, I'll take over his and then dissolve it.

Blog Jesus answers:

As far as I can tell all my loyal readers are still in my camp. Your imaginary friends don't count as readers because they never asked a question nor checked out this blog on their own time.

The only reasons I get more visits is that you keep coming back and asking stupid ass questions. You're inflating your own hype.

Whatever.

Old Roses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How many threats per day is Kris allowed? I know that he is only allowed two questions per day. Is he trying to get in more questions by disguising them as threats?

Blog Jesus answers:

As of today he is allowed one threat and one question. If he wants to ask a multitude of questions he can go to Blog Allah and piss off that cheap intimidator.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I have two questions: first, does 19 questions by Kris really qualify as "more visits"?

Second, Magnolia Center, ha! I don't live anywhere NEAR Magnolia Center. Were you secretly trying to direct Brent on where he could go in Riverside to get him a hooker and some crack?

Also, third thing is more of a request: if Brent comes to Riverside, don't tell my in-laws. If they find out there's an indigent Kansan within 200 miles of them they're bound to invite him to stay with them. I have a feeling he'd totally ruin Christmas.

Blog Jesus answers:

Nope. Nada. No.

Yes, I want him fueled with crack and whore love before going to beat you down.

I have already told them and Brent is staying with them. They have already knit him a sweater and bought him some eye drops.


KOM asks:

Blog Jesus,

You seem pretty cool (excepting the drowning children thing). But I also thought Space Ghost was cool. I thought 300 baud modems were cool. God help me, when I was 5 I thought Reagan was cool.

Are you just a flash in the pan?

Also, beef jerkey: food or building material?

Finally, I know that we must wait for the end times before you unleash the final smack-down. But is there nothing that you can do about the Doodle Bops?

Blog Jesus answers:

First things first - I only said that Christian children should be drowned. Secondly, Space Ghost kicks ass. For that you owe me a one pimping of "Ask Blog Jesus" on your blog. And now to your questions.

Of course I am a flash in the pan. I am shocked I haven't flashed the pan already. You people must be desperate for cheap entertainment.

Delicious building material.

I created the Doodle Bops. I know they piss you off and that is their purpose. It is all part of the master plan. You wait and see.


Sandi asks:

Could you shit some sugar-free rocky road ice cream today? I need to go on a diet and just thinking about you doing that makes me want to throw away all the sweets.

Blog Jesus answers:

Whenever I shit anything sugar free it really is just shit. Eat it if you would like but when you get heppatitis don't come running back to me wanting the cure that I can piss out.


Kristi asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why do I like the word fuck so much?

Kristi

Blog Jesus answers:

Because it fucking is the fucking most fucking wonder-fucking-ful fucking word in the fucking world. I shit you not.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Do you think Larry's new picture of him standing in a barren desert makes him seem more manly? Or do you think he's just trying to hard?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think it makes him look constipated and the fact that he is willing to stand in a desert while his shit is all blocked up makes him more manly.


Pops asks again:

Beej,

Me again. Is it my imagination or did James (who will henceforth be known as Jimmy Mod)--he of the Members Only jacket with the flipped up collar and the blank underwear-model stare--just make fun of someone else's profile ID? It seems unwise, does it not?

Blog Jesus answers again:

It could be unwise. But Larry is a pretty mellow dude. Had he gone after KEK, then Jimmy Mod would be quite fucked.


Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Can you spot me a mil? I'm running a little low on cash.

Blog Jesus answers:

If you go to Albany, New York you will find a steel mill that I have procured for you to sell and get more cash.


SJ asks:

Jimmy Mod, heh, I love it. But I think Jimmy Mod gets a pass because I always like to poke fun at Larry Jones' new profile pics, too. Jimmy Mod is just trying to keep up.

Kom is right, Blog Jesus, do something about the Doodle Bops for the love of you. (Others may need to Google this scourge, but Blog Jesus, no doubt, will know)

Blog Jesus answers:

As I stated before the Doodle Bops have a specific purpose - that purpose may have to do with parents killing their children, but I am not at liberty to discuss it yet.


Kris asks again:

I love it when you two blogtimers gang up on me. It just shows that I am, indeed, a threat, and justifiably so. If I wasn't really in the process of taking over, would you really need each other's help?

Can I get it on my good foot?

Blog Jesus answers again:

You won't see me asking for help. It is natural for the weaker ones to crowd around the alpha male (me) and root them on as the alpha male (me) kicks your ass.

One ass spewage on your good foot coming up.


HFB asks:

Why are so many people forgetting to ask questions? Doesn't that just make you want to smite someone? Were you instrumental in Jimmy Mod's decision to post a non-Samara-type picture?

Blog Jesus answers:

Plain and simple - they are dumbasses.

Yes, very much so.

No. I allowed Jimmy Mod to make that choice on his own. He must live with the consequences.


Blog Allah states again:

Statement deleted for failure to comply with the concept of the blog and for being a whoring stealer of kick ass ideas.


Mrgumby2u asks:

Why does Pops (blog Jethro) know where to go to score crack and hookers in his town? Where should I go in my town to do this?

Blog Jesus answers:

He has two kids, a wife, and a sister with new breasts.

Just go down the block. I have laid both out for you.


Junegirl asks:

If I am pure of heart and ask nicely, will you teach my little brother how to shave?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. Learning to shave is a blood ritual that all young men must go through. He will come back stronger for having done it on his own. He might also have cut out his voice box but prices must be paid.


Jess asks:

Blog Jesus:

Why do balding men refuse to shave their heads and instead opt for oily comb overs?

Blog Jesus answers:

They didn't pass the shaving ritual as young men and are doomed to look retarded for life.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

Do you think the day will come when I'll have to resort to quoting past posts, because I have no material for new ones?

Blog Jesus answers:

If the genius that is MPH has had to resort to it then you too are fucked.


Scott asks:

Thanks for the link on your waiting list for semiquark.But the link doesn't work.

Does that mean I'm on the waiting list for the waiting list?

Oh well, it beats weeping & wailing & gnashing teeth.

Blog Jesus answers:

I lay blame on my secretary - who has been tarred and feathered for the oversight. If you ask a question next time I'll put you at the big boys table.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Are we all crazy here? Wait, scratch that. Is there anyone here that's not crazy?

And a related question, do crazy people know they're crazy?

Blog Jesus answers:

Each and everyone one of you are certifiable.

Some do and some don't. I know for certain that I am crazy and embrace much like I embrace the bed of scrambled eggs I sleep in.

________________________________

Speaking of eggs, I am hungry. I hope I don't pick the ass part of the bed to eat again.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Thirty-Nine

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Satan asks:

Ahhhh... Sorry, my mistake, but where else are they going to go?

Blog Jesus answers:

Gary Sandy's house to do some coke and shoot migrant workers.


Kris asks:

Dell Shooka! I'm back! You can't get rid of me, I'm the cure to what ails you.

Blog Jesus, why, if you're all powerful, have you failed in your attempts to kill the mexicans?

Does it bother you when your readers begin asking for someone else?

Seems to me that this blog is slowly becoming my own. I'm like quicksand; it will be much easier for you if you don't resist.

Blog Jesus answers:

Deep down I knew that Sandi wanted to take care of the job herself, which is good for me - less blood on the hands.

If you mean that they were asking for you, no such thing has happened. They have referenced you in a belittling way, but nothing more.

Although you think your Kris/Blog Allah two front attack is enough to take me out, you are seriously mistaken. I haven't broken a sweat and I haven't gotten my shit kickers on yet.


Kristi asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why did you make some people with zero personality?

Blog Jesus answers:

It all boils down to apathy. You trying creating thousands a day. Sometimes I just don't give a fuck and let some poor saps go without endowing them with a personality. Then I sit back and enjoy them being ridiculed.


Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why did you create Birkenstocks and Dashikis if we aren't allowed to wear them to work? Also, why is it that Birkenstocks and Dashikis are stereotypically lesbianwear?

Blog Jesus answers:

Birkenstocks are the nightclub for the feet. They like to partay. Dashikis were supposed to be the workwear of the future - then hippies got ahold of them and that idea was fucked.

So everyone at a WNBA game can be wearing the same thing.


Digitlicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why didn't you tell me Dusti is a Birkenstock-wearing lesbian?

Blog Jesus answers:

Some things are better told by other people or Larry King.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

I think there's a conflict of interest here. Your medium, MPH, has just posted against "intelligent design".

Do you feel backstabbed?

Blog Jesus answers:

Not at all. So what if MPH doesn't like the intelligent design that went into creating dashikis. Also, Blog Jesus believes that evolution should be the only thing taught in school and that all Christian children should be drowned in a river.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How do you make garlic breath go away?

And what the hell does "Dell Shooka" mean as said by Kris...?

Blog Jesus answers:

French kiss a man or woman who has just eaten a mint.

He was shouting out the "Dude You Got a Dell" under his prison name.


KEK asks:

Dear Bejebus,

Can you tell me how to get out of Kansas and to get to the Riverside area of California so I can hit Pops in the face with a motorcycle chain?

Your humble servant,

Krazey Eyez Killah

Blog Jesus answers:

Starting in WICHITA, KS on E 3RD ST N - go 0.1 mi

Turn on BROADWAY ST - go 0.9 mi

Turn on E KELLOGG ST[US-54] - go 0.1 mi

Take ramp onto W KELLOGG AVE toward US-54 WEST/US-400 WEST - go 3.5 mi

Take ramp onto I-235 SOUTH - go 6.8 mi

Take the I-135 SOUTH exit toward KANSAS TURNPIKE - go 1.0 mi

Take the I-35 SOUTH exit toward OKLAHOMA CITY/WELLINGTON - go 144.7 mi

Take fork onto I-44 WEST toward AMARILLO/LAWTON - go 10.8 mi

Take exit #120A onto I-40 WEST toward AMARILLO - go 858.9 mi

Take exit #195 onto I-17 SOUTH - go 124.1 mi

Take exit #215 onto AZ-101-LOOP WEST - go 22.0 mi

Take exit #1 onto I-10 WEST toward LOS ANGELES - go 303.1 mi

Take the I-215 exit toward RIVERSIDE - go 6.8 mi

I-215 SOUTH becomes CA-91 WEST - go 3.0 mi

Take the CENTRAL AVENUE exit toward MAGNOLIA CENTER - go 0.9 mi

Arrive at the center of RIVERSIDE, CA

If you leave now you can catch him in time to beat him about the head in front of his kids while they are leaving their home for church.


Dusti asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What exactly is brimstone, and will it work better on the BBQ pit than lava rocks?

Blog Jesus answers:

Brimstone is actually hardened Satan turds. Since they are evil, hardened turds, I would to with lava rocks.


Blog Allah asks:

Did you receive the cease and desist letter from my lawyers yet? As well, I was wondering if you'll be driving your normal car for the rest of this week?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes. I told your lawyer I would resist kicking your ass but refused to stop calling you a pansy ass copying pussy.

I walk on water and shit ice cream. Why in the hell would I need a car?

__________________________________________

Today's flavor is cookie dough . . . if you were wondering.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Thirty-Eight

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

When are you going to kick blog Allah's ass?

Blog Jesus answers:

Once I finish the fifteen pound burger.


Satan asks:

Dear Jesarse

I've noticed that you've condemned everyone who reads your blog to Hell. Thanks shmuck! I go away on business for a while and you palm them all off onto me.

If I repent now can I get out of an eternity with Kris?

Blog Jesus answers:

I haven't condemned all my readers to Hell. I have just told them their pretty much fucked when it comes to getting into Heaven.

Nope. Kris is all yours.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

You said you needed my prof's addresses - can't you just smite them by being Blog Jesus? I intend to be a lawyer some day so I'm trying to keep the paper trail to a minimum.

Blog Jesus answers:

I could just smite him from afar, but if you fuck with one of my disciples I like to make it close and messy. But I will do as you wish in this instance.

Kristi asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why is it that when you are running late you always get stuck behind the slow granny, and then of course have to go pee.

Kristi

Blog Jesus answers:

I am a stickler for time, as are the old. That is my karmic gift to those that are late to things. My suggestion, hurry the fuck up and you won't piss yourself while driving behind a dust farter.


Blog Allah states:

Dear Jeez-ass,

I called my team of lawyers in and we're drawing up a plan to do a hostile takeover of "Ask Blog Jesus."I should own this thing in about six days.

Love,

Blog Allah

Blog Jesus answers:

All I can say is come heavy or don't come at all.


Kom asks:

Blojs, (sorry, slurring)

I try to help people. Why did the CS rep at the Polly Klass foundation actually laugh when I tried to donate my Festiva?

Also, what's up with Japanese television programming? Did you have something to do with this, or are they just silly?

Blog Jesus answers:

No one wants a Ford Festiva. Crazy homeless people don't even want to be seen by one.

Japanese TV is all me. I just like fucked up people doing fucked up things for sushi.


HFB asks:

Is it true that you are the 5th Beatle, or are you just the prick who killed Paul?

Blog Jesus answers:

I was actually the sixth Beatle. I didn't kill Paul, but I did eat his soul.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Does it bother you that you've driven Kris away entirely? I don't suggest that I think you might feel bad about it--that would require basic human compassion--but rather his absence ensures you will never get another 30-question list to answer to artificially inflate your ego.

Blog Jesus answers:

Answering all those questions actually deflated me so the less Kris the better.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

According to Blog Allah you're a fat chick. Is this true?

Blog Jesus answers:

Completely false. I am all tall man.


Nain states:

Blog Jesus,

I read about your hostile takeover scare - if you need any counsel, let me know.

Blog Jesus answers:

It's not a scare and it's not even a threat. It's a pimple on my ass.


Old Roses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I have a simple request. Can you PLEASE, PLEASE get rid of the poison ivy in my yard?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have my Mexican gardener on the way right now.

______________________________________

You know, if Blog Allah does come heavy I am going to be picking C4 out of my ass for a week or two.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Thirty-Seven

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

How come everyone's questions were in bold and not mine? Should I read into that? Does this mean that my fate is sealed?

Blog Jesus answers:

You should read into it that, as a warning shot, those that make moves for my esteemed position don't get bolded. It's a pretty lame first shot, but trust me it's the first sprinkle in the shit storm should you choose to continue your campaign.


Sandi asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I am still waiting for the smiting of the piece of shit Spic's upstairs. Could you make that happen soon? Better yet just let me kill the little bastards.

Blog Jesus answers:

My crew went to deal with them and . . . well don't eat any meat burritos they offer you for a few months. I shouldn't have sent them all in with red shirts. If you want to take them on feel free but they are ninja fast. Just warning you.


Kristi asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Thy will be done. Why does my job suck so hard? Why can't I find a job that will provide me with a decent income during college? (Besides waitressing, that ship has sailed).

Blog Jesus answers:

From what I understand you work with kids. That speaks volumes as to why your job sucks hard. Have you considered stripping or donkey shows?


Pops asks:

Beej,

Who would have a hotter baby, Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes or B'Affleck & the Garner?

Also: if "B'Affleck & the Garner" was the name of a new TV sitcom, which one would be the chimp?

Blog Jesus answers:

Despite my Garner love, I think the Cruise/Holmes combo would yield the cuter scourge upon society. The horns on the Affleck seedling does it in really.

The Affleck - obviously.


The Diva of the Office asks:

Dear Blog Jesus

Love your outfit. Where'd you get it?

Hallelujah!

Blog Jesus answers:

It was made by the skilled hands of lepers . . . before their hands fell off.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Will you make sure that -G.D. never blogs about creepy clown pictures again?

Blog Jesus answers:

I can't do that. Clowns are the front line of the wicked and are too important to the End of Days. Learn to love them because we need them now more than ever.


HFB asks:

Now that The Bastard Formerly Known as Ben Affleck has taken our girl, d'ya think you're going to make a play for the Fruitcake Lady?

Blog Jesus answers:

I still hold out hope that the Garner can be save so the Fruitcake Lady is off my radar.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is it wrong of me to miss Kris? I know he's an annoying loser, but I think deep down I kind of like him... maybe.

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, it is very, very, very wrong to miss Kris. His move for power is a bigger threat than G.D's though neither are a real big threat. Worry not. He'll be around to pester and annoy again - I know it.

______________________________

This normally where I add a little quip.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Thirty-Six

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Kristi:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I offered my thanks up to you today in praise and worship. Of course the song was AC/DC "Hells Bells." I apologize for my sacriligious ways.

your humble servant,

Kristi

Blog Jesus answers:

Poor Kristi. I understand you have been through a lot with being accused of being Kris in drag and all, but sining anything by AC/DC in my honor is just very, very wrong. Next time try some Pearl Jam or Elvis Costello.

For your indiscretion you owe me one comment on "Heightened Thoughts" and one pimping of "Ask Blog Jesus" on your blog.


Larry asks:

I know who has the Weapons of Mass Destruction. Am I morally obligated to tell? What is the government morally obligated to do, if anything?

Blog Jesus answers:

The bigger question is why have you been digging around in my backyard? With that being said, I can only recommend that you shut the fuck up. I almost got a deal worked out with Dubya that will make all the radiation exposure worth it.


Blog Allah asks:

Dear Heyzeus,

Listen my friend.. how can I stop being accused of being Kris? `Cause I ain't him... fo real. Believe me if there was a way to prove I wasn't Kris I'd do it- sho nuff... but is there any way on friggin earf to prove it?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yeah, just admit that you're Kris and be done with it . . . Kris.


Kom asks:

Blog Jesus,

At what point is your patience exceeded? I notice a lot of "false blogs" and general gamorrah-ite shenanigans.

Can you do nothing to save us blog outsiders, and your good name?

Blog Jesus answers:

Worry not Kom. Plans are in place to take care of the false blogs. As for the shenanigans you speak of - I'm cool with that.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Can you clear something up for me? Great.

What exactly is involved in becoming "born again"? Is there a vagina involved or not?

Blog Jesus answers:

The only vagina involved is stupid people that actually believe God will accept them if they trash their wicked ways and give their life to the church. Dumb motherfuckers - all of them.


Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Instead of going to Heaven, can I please be reincarnated as my cat?

Blog Jesus answers:

You would rather be a cat then hang with me and my crew. Okay . . . you can be your cat in the next life. But you should know that in your next life all cats will be slaves to chimps and chimps do the most awful things to cats.


MrGumby2u asks:

Why does Dusti think heaven was ever an option for her in the first place?

Blog Jesus answers:

I don't think she does. She's as wicked as the rest of us. She's also smart - thinking up that cat out.


MrGumby2u asks again:

Shouldn't Pops be taking care of his sick kids and not pestering you with questions?

Blog Jesus answers again:

He actually should be pestering me more and ignoring his kids. They're scourges I tell you - all of them.


Nain asks:

Blog Jesus,

Can you make sure I get all A's on all my law school exams???

Blog Jesus answers:

I have the chainsaw and blow torch in hand. Give me your prof's addresses.


Brent aks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

If you were going to unleash some type of plague/pestilence on someone, who would it be and what type of smiting?

(I would have a plague of cheetos befall mankind, ones where the cheesy residue will never come off your fingertips)

Blog Jesus answers:

I too would go with mankind (with the exception of you Kek (and Alex) (possibly Blog Jethro) (but definitely not his scourges) (can't forget SJ) (HFB's screwed)) and I would bestow upon a plague miniature three headed Michael Boltons singing all of his hits.


Citizen Williams answers:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What was the score at the end of world war 1??
What is the one true faith??
Did you lay mary magdalin???

Blog Jesus answers:

Ninetennity billion to four.

You shouldn't have faith in anything. Keep coming here and that'll happen.

No, but I did have tons of sex with her.

G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

I'm not sure you've heard, but MPH is about to off himself. Do you think it's OK if I take over mediumship (is that a word?!?) of your blog? I can get more readers than MPH...his time has come and gone, you know.

Let's talk...you know where to find me.

Blog Jesus answers:

You can't have mediumship of "Ask Blog Jesus." Even if MPH were to off himself, which he is not, I would just resurrect him. That sad sack is my bitch.

______________________________________

I like that Cheetos residue.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Thirty-Five

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Kristi states:

Dear Blog Jesus,

When I go to blog heaven please do not confuse me with Kris. I do not want to go to blog hell.

P.S. Kris, you ever say that you are me again and I will kick you in the nuts you douche.=)

P.S.2. I'll get right on that DVD burn.

Still your humble servant,

Kristi

Blog Jesus answers:

Worry not. The retinal scans in heaven are foolproof and will correctly identify you upon your arrival, which should be next Tuesday.

Now, now - no need for violence unless I say so. "So."

I will be sitting by my mailbox.


Pops states:

Beej,

Admit it, this blog is just a ruse of yours to generate volume of content so that you can then accuse me of stealing from you NO MATTER WHAT I POST on whatever subject. You've already ruled out me ever posting on Kris being insane and masturbation, you magificent bastard.

Mostly I'm angry because a trick like this only cheapens the material I actually DO take the time and energy to steal.

Blog Jesus answers:

Blog Jethro, you are really giving me more credit that I deserve. I am in no way trying to take all the good topics away from you. I am merely creating a build up so that I can continue a lame running gag.

I am a magnificent bastard.


Kris asks:

Stunt, chicanery, smoke and mirrors, and trick are all good words for what's happening here. There's not any REAL blogging going on. Why is that?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am trying to make people's worlds right again. If that is not real blogging then I don't know what is. By the way, your forgot load of shit in your statement.

The Diva of the Office asks:

Dear Blog Jesus

Is it ok for my cape to be flapping in the wind? Should I let my hair down as well?

Hallelujah!

Blog Jesus answers:

It is more than all right for your cape to flapping in the wind. Let your hair down as well - we like to have fun here in the realm of Blog Jesus.


MrGumby2u asks:

Will Kristi kicking Kris (the douchebag) in the nuts be on the DVD? Will Alex be in it?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am negoitating for both to happen. Since their agents are no match for Blog Jesus, I would have to say yes to both.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

Have you been to Kristi's blog? I think that's Kris in drag. Of course, I may be wrong. In which case, will I burn in hell for hurting this woman's feelings? I've left several messages on comment boards about her...spreading all sorts of rumors.

But if I'm right and Kristi is Kris...Why is Kris such a loser? Why? It's obvious he feels his personality is not enough, but if you are going to make a bunch of other personalities up, why would you pick such lame ones?? (There I go insulting that "woman" again)

Blog Jesus answers:

G.D. you better be glad you don't have balls because Kristi should be seeking to kick them right about now. For the record, Kris and Kristi are two separate people. Kris has several different personalities, including "Blog Allah." So far as I can tell Kristi's only issue is that she has become a regular at "Ask Blog Jesus."


Mr.Gumby2u asks again:

Yo Beej,

Do you get the feeling that g.d. is jealous of the attention Kristi is getting from Kris? And, considering Kris and Kristi are different personalities inhabiting the same body, don't you think that's kind of pathetic?

Blog Jesus answers again:

I think she might be. Kris is like a bad infection that after its gone you sort of want back and G.D. is feeling that right now. Since Kris and Kristi are separate entities inhabiting separate bodies I still find it pathetic.

___________________________________

Poor Kristi, she comes here to be helped and gets accused of being Kris in drag. No matter what you do or what you feel Kristi always remember - I really need that DVD.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Thirty-Four aka Special Sunday Edition

Due to the sheer volume of questions of I have received over the past couple of days I have no choice but to go into work on my "official" day off - Sunday. I do this because I do not want to subject you, my loyal disciples, to reading through fifty some odd questions and answers tomorrow. That is unless fifty odd questions are asked tonight and tomorrow then you're just screwed. My working on Sunday does come with a price which I detail at the end of this post. So lets get it on:

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Have you seen those movies Kirk Cameron has been making about the apocalypse? What's your opinion on those things?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have neither seen those movies nor read those books. Mostly because they are wrong. When I do revisit Earth I am going to give peanut butter to the wicked and send the righteous through a spanking machine. After that is done I am going to remind everybody that I am a fictional being and people have been leeching money off of them in my name for centuries. I will then give out the addresses of those who have made money in my name and suggest that be "fucked up proper." Leave Mr. Cameron alone though, he was the bomb in "Like Father, Like Son."


Beo asks:

Blog Jesus,

I honestly masturbate in the bathrooms in my workplace. Along with this being horribly unhygenic. Will this be seen as a sin worthy of a spot in hell?

Blog Jesus answers:

Probably not. I don't think Satan wants people to masturbate in his restrooms, so he might send you up to heaven, where so long as you believe in God they'll let you masturbate wherever you want.


Fox's Vixen:

Heavenly Blog Jesus,

I find I am growing steadily more perverted the more I peruse your blog. I can't seem to fight the strong urge to watch beo unhygenically masturbate in the bathrooms of his workplace. And I'm still kicking myself for missing the opportunity to beseech dear Larry for copies of his purloined porno DVDs (especially if they consist of hot man-on-man action. The more manly parts, the better!)

Dear B-Jesus, is it so wrong for a gal like me to yearn for glimpses of man-on-man love, even manly self-love?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's not wrong, though Blog Jesus would prefer that you enjoy and videotape yourself enjoying gal on gal love, even femalely self-love and send those copied DVD's his way.


Sandi asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why do you get all the nuts, and why wasn't I here sooner?

Oh, by the way, for the smiting team, there are 15 mexicans in a 1 bedroom apartment above me. No weapons, unless you count shitty baby diapers, so none of your team should get hurt.

Thanks in advance.

Blog Jesus answers:

The crazy don't always find their way to me quickly. They might have to take a few delusional journeys before arriving at the promised land. From the looks of it, masturbation might slow them down as well. Your path delayed you a bit, but you're here now. Love me!!!!!

Also, thanks for the intel. Those fuckers will tending my garden in Heaven shortly.


Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why did you suggest that I am behind "Ask the Pope?"

I find that insulting and I would warn you not to make that mistake again. I am more powerful than you can ever imagine.

Blog Jesus answers:

Okay, so my secretary was wrong. You're not behind "Ask the Pope." The word "dumbass" has been branded on her forehead. I still believe you are part a cartel, along with the creator of "Ask the Pope" that is trying to take me down.

As for being more powerful than me - ha!. Having a new blog called I Will Rule You All doesn't mean you're the king shit of fuck mountain. That's me.


Kris asks again:

Also, how do you get your stats to show in your profile?

Blog Jesus answers again:

I don't think anybody needs to know that you are herpes free on your blog profile.


Kristi asks:

To the blogger of all blogs,

Is it possible to be a girl and addicted to masturbation? Seriously, is three times a day excessive?

Kristi

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes. No. It only gets excessive if it is ten times a day. Though ten times a day is not considered excessive if videotaped, sent to Larry, burned on DVD by Larry, and sent to me.


James asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How much would you like to wager that 'Kristi' is really just Kris asking even more questions?

Double or nothing Kris is sitting outside your window right now - watching you, rubbing his naked body in peanut butter with a laptop and a wireless connection.

Blog Jesus answers again:

I believe that they are separate people - Kristi unfortunately shares first four letters in her name with Kris. Don't fault her for it. Fault her parents.

I don't think that is true either. I do believe he is Iraq and that explains alot about his recent sanity turn. He also may very well be smothering himself in peanut butter and have a lap top nearby.


Old Roses asks:

Exploding toads! Oh, sorry, that's not a question, is it? Why is today's theme masturbation?

Blog Jesus answers:

Just the disciples jackin' around, that's all.


Blog Allah asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I want to challenge you to a manly game of handball.. you in?

ps. I'll bring falafels.

Blog Jesus answers:

If you make it a steak then I am in. And the steak can't come from one of those emanciated Muslim cows - I want quality angus beef from a cow in Wisconsin. Cooked well done.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Do you think Kris is really Blog Allah?

Blog Jesus answers:

With 100% certainty. Though Kris might be aware of it. Fucker's out there.


SJ clarifies:

(posing, I meant. Not that Kris is Blog Allah to your Blog Jesus. Just posing)

Blog Jesus acknowledges:

I understood.


Alex asks:

Dear BJ

Can I eat your falafels?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yeah, especially since I will have the steak.


HFB asks:

Can you convince James to post a picture with the hair out of his eyes? The resemblance to that Samara chick from The Ring is creeping me out.

And, you seem troubled. Would you care for a sandwich?

Blog Jesus answers:

I will convince James to uncover his eyes. He should know that this is the place for creepy staring anyway.

Though I get the feeling this a Lucy and Charlie Brown football situation - yes.


Brent asks:

Dear Blogus,

Do choosy moms really choose JIF?

Is James going to come out of my TV and kill me just because I watched that lame art film with the horses and flies and stuff?

If so, can he wait until I'm done masturbating?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. They go with Peter Pan in order to feed their children delicious peanut butter and to sell them men in tights.

No. He'll do it because of the Garner/Affleck pic on your blog.

When he does happen to come out your TV I am sure he'll let you finish.


Kris (I refuse to call him Blog Kris) states/asks:

Krikey! First you people accuse me of being the Pope, then Blog Allah. I'm just Blog Kris, King Nasty, Mr. Demento, or the Bizwheesat'sassmiznit. I understand that you want me as your spiritual leader, but when is this gonna stop?

Blog Jesus answers for the group:

It never started. And you are Blog Allah - no doubt.


Kris aka Blog Allah rambles aimless at the group again:

Damnit! I am not Kristi either! Do you people understand that I am in Iraq and this means that I can mail insurgents to your homes?

Blog Jesus answers for the group again:

I agree, you are not Kristi. I know the United States Postmaster General - there is no way though insurgents make past my disciples local post offices. Now those postal workers might not survive, but my strike teams will stop them before they get to my people. Along the way they'll bag an apartment full of Mexicans.


The RPC:

Blog Jesus, why hast though forsaken me???

Blog Jesus answers:

You know you'll always be white boy - but love for Kris and no love for Blog Jesus? Come on.


Old Roses asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I hope, like Kris aka Blog Allah,I am also allowed 2 questions per day. Are you the one deleting questions or are they really being deleted by the authors? Or Kris? Or Blog Allah?

Blog Jesus answers again:

As you will see below, it was Kris deleting his own comments. I choose not to use my power to delete questions. I will take all questions, not matter how retarded (not that your question was retarded).


Hey Everybody! Shockingly Kris aka Blog Allah has something else to say:

Holy jiminy crap mackerel on fire.

People, listen very closely.

I am just Blog Kris.

I deleted those comments because I was changing my name to reflect this and it kept screwing up.

Blog Allah is really MPH.

"Ask the Pope" is run by a whole different person outside the band.

I may be unstable, but not so much as to argue with myself over who gets to kick people in the nuts.

What is so hard to understand about this?

Blog Jesus responds for the group:

I am not Blog Allah, just Blog Jesus. You are Blog Allah and you are in kahoots with this "Ask the Pope" dude, but I am a man with a strong nation and Pops behind me. We be strong and we be ready to kick some ass.


James makes a good point:

I deleted those comments because I was changing my name to reflect this and it kept screwing up.

Wait.. did you just admit that you're: Blog Pope, Blog Allah, Kristi, and Kris?

Blog Jesus.. did he just spill the beans on accident?

Blog Jesus responds:

I think Kris may have slipped a bit. But he is not Blog Pope or Kristi. He is Kris and Blog Allah. I blame the crazy or it being an accident.


Kris aka Blog Kris aka Blog Allah retorts:

No. I was changing my name from "Kris" to "Blog Kris". Pay attention.Blog Jesus, will you please direct your readers to No Time For Later so that they may read the truth since they're OBVIOUSLY not getting it here?

Blog Jesus answers:

Kris, or whatever you're going by this days, as you can see I have linked your blog and my disciples now can read and make up their own mind as to whether you are who you say you or whether you are you are saying you are not.

I should note that people do not come here for the truth, they come here for answers. There is a big fucking difference.


Irb asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is Kris a Republican?

Blog Jesus answers:

He is irrationale like a Republican, but Republicans generally hate Muslims and would not go around cavorting as "Blog Allah" therefore he is most definitely an irrational Democrat cavorting around as "Blog Allah."


The Diva of the Office Asks:

Blog Jesus

Will chickens find rubber humans funny?

Blog Jesus answers:

Of course. Anything made of rubber and used for laughs is automatically hysterical.


Blog Allah asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I'm tired of living a lie... this is Kris.

Should I punch myself now?

Love,

Kris, Kristi, Blog Pope, & Blog Allah

Blog Jesus answers:

Well now we know and knowing is half the battle.


Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

The Fruitcake Lady got mad on Leno when someone asked which toilet papaer to use - 1-ply or 2? She said your ass doesn't know the difference, but I think mine does. Is this wrong? And which do you recommend?

Blog Jesus answers:

Of course your ass knows the difference. Two ply is the way to go. The more serious issue is why you were watching Leno and not Letterman. Go with the path of light.


G.D. asks:

How do you manage to remain celibate? How come you never had sex? Did you do it wit Mary Magdalene? or was it with Judas? Hey, is that why he was so pissed at you??

Blog Jesus answers:

I have a lot of difficulty remaining celibate because I don't even try. That should answer the second question. I will not confirm or deny that I humped MM, but I can say I have shelled out money for her services. As for Judas, have not done it and will it wit him. He was pissed because I have certain tapes of him in my possession that will be released if I die (again).


G.D. asks again:

Dear BJ,

Why is Kris such a loser?

Blog Jesus answers again:

I think his statements above and the link to his blog that I have provided make it pretty clear without me further comment.

__________________________________________________

Here's the price - it's assignment time. New disciples, make your way to Heaven and enjoy more fruits of my labor.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus