Tuesday, December 27, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 199

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

This all begs the question: who's doing the nailing? I don't necessarily want to do it, but it would have been nice to at least be asked.

Blog Jesus answers:

The nailing being done by a super accurate blind Haitian man. The reason he is doing it is classified, but between me and you it's because he knows I have someone set to drown his grandchildren in a mud puddle if he doesn't do the job.


G.D. asks:

on your way out, you chicken-shit, can you leave the keys to the kingdom?

when's the going away party? i'd like to give the midget porn artists some notice.

Blog Jesus answers:

I am actually putting up the kingdom for auction. Highest bidder gets the whole shebang and some broken down meth kids.

No party . . . not because I don't want to be honored, but I plan on being pretty horrible tomorrow and I don't want piss in the punch.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

One post honoring you and all you've done for us (or lack thereof) is forthcoming for next Wednesday... Should I play some sad song in the background?

In Him,

Labbie

ps: Is GD a midget pimp?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually play circus music with the sound of children crying overlapping it.

No she is not a midget pimp. She just has several as sex toys and is willing to rent them out.


Old Roses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Since you are leaving us like that other Jesus, does that imply that you will also be returning at some future date like that other Jesus?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. I ain't no bitch. When I die, I stay dead. Giving hope is for pussies.


Killarjoe asks:

BJ,

Tell me why I'm obsessed with sending pictures of my cock to random women from the internet, and why am I such a pathetic loser?

Blog Jesus answers:

You know, I was considering reconsidering my retirement, then someone goes and lets their cock out. Killar just go flash a bunch of school girls and get yourself arrested. You being off the streets will make the world a better place.


Danikabur asks:

Should I interupt my search for JG while I search for you? I think I'm close to reaching her so I'm not sure you want me to stop.

Then again since you are leaving I may have to rethink that shrine idea.

Blog Jesus answers:

Don't stop looking for her. Get her first then come to me. I want to see you two make out.
________________________________________________

Here comes the crown of thorns. Last day tomorrow . . . come heavy or don't come at all.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, December 23, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 198

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

HFB asks:

I've lost my copy of How to Influence People and Make Friends, so I've decided that the best thing to do is call everyone I meet a bastard and spit a lot.

So, my question is: what is the major export of Guatemala?

Blog Jesus answers:

The government doesn't want you to know this, but the major export is dog shit. It's in your cereal.


Labbie states:

Blog Geez,

I'm not asking a question, as per your instruction. Sure wish you could give me some good advice for the weekend, though...

Blog Jesus responds:

Here's my advice. Come up with a great post honoring me on Wednesday.

I am taking Monday off. The final two editions of "Ask Blog Jesus" will start on Tuesday.
_____________________________________________________

Right foot nailed.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, December 22, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 197

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Left hand nailed twice? At any rate, what you're really telling us is that you're going to start serving time for those pictures you took of a pinguin, a donkey, a midget, and a $10 hooker, and distributed at the local playground?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

The double mention of the left hand nailed is very explainable. Duff writes my closers for me and she has been very distraught over my "retirement." While typing through the tears she forgot she had already typed left hand the day before. In the past I have killed for such mistakes, but not this time. The girl is a hard working in many ways.

Labbie, you know that I would never distribute such pictures. I would keep them all for myself. But since you questioned that I would you may not ask a question tomorrow.


HFB asks:

If I ask another question, bringing the question quota up to two, thus making you actually have to answer the questions, will you smite me? How about if I ask pretty please?

Ok, then, will you smite labbie for kinda sorta stealing my question about how are you typing if both hands are nailed down?

Blog Jesus answers:

The quota thing was to get rid of Kris. It was successful . . . no smiting for you.

He's been smited for other reasons so you lose again.


Old Roses asks:

"It looks like next Wednesday". Really? What does next Wednesday look like?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's fucked. The skies will be yellow and dolphins will be fucking kittens.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I'll miss you and all, but you have to know that I will be glad to be rid of any and all cock in the mayo jar references, right?

Blog Jesus answers:

Just for that all the remaining "Heightened Thoughts" posts will include that very reference.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Why do the good ones always leave us? I don't mean you, I mean Bill Bixby. Why did Bixby have to die?

Blog Jesus answers:

Anyone that directed an episode of "Blossom" is not a good man.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What about your right hand?

Blog Jesus answers:

The most interesting thing about this is that you people know you have a finite number of questions you can ask and yet many of you only referenced this subject. This means you all suck.


Danikabur asks:

Oh man it may take awhile to find you. Hmmm. Can my midget guide help me? Does he know where you are? Hopefully I don't get distracted along the way.....

Blog Jesus answers:

Not only can you use a midget guide, but I am lending you "The Cat From Outer Space" which talks and is very smart. He will make sure you don't get distracted . . . . meaning he'll be clawing cock so that you avoid it.


_________________________________________

Left foot nailed.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 196

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

See. Look at all the questions now. And the day before there were but two. Like I said: whore.

Everyone lines up for the new whore, but nobody's laughing when we've all got a screaming case of gonorrhea.

I guess there should be a question in here somewhere... OK, how can you have a long slow decline (as you have) if you never peaked in the first place?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have never conformed to the norms of society, i.e. the successful must fall from the top then rebuild themselves and cruch everyone in their path. I like living on the fringe eating pancake batter for dinner and recommending that women not shave their legs.


Kenna asks:

This is because of the hostile takeover at blogshares, isn't it?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nope, it has more to do with the Easter Bunny molesting me as a kid.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I know who my father is, thank you very much. But on to a meaningful question: One for the money, or two for the show?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

No you don't.

Always go for the show - the girls really like those donkeys no matter how much they scream and cry.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Romper Room, eh? I'm more than down. So you're going on hiatus? Is that very christ-like of you?

You shall be missd!

Blog Jesus answers:

Of course it is not Christ-like. If I was Christ-like I would dispensing advice that actually helped people.


Grouch Grouch asks:

Ok, so we can't ask you questions and we can't ask Satan.

Should we start calling a 900 psychic? My favorite one is in Jail. Do you think she can call me collect?

Blog Jesus aswers:

I suggest just asking random people on the street. If you the proper knife you can get all the answers you want.


G.D. asks:

when is this blog closing down.

i'd like to have enough time to prepare my insults.

Blog Jesus answers:

It looks like next Wednesday. I eagerly awaiting your scathing comments.


HFB asks:

Bastard whore.

Do people with Tourette's Syndrome get into Heaven?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, but God doesn't cure them. Those fuckers just keep twitching and cussing because it amuses the shit out of God.


Danikabur asks:

Will I finally get to have what I always wanted before you go? (By that I mean have you)

P.S thank you for the many cocks headed my way. I'm sure I'll be appreciating them for a long time to come. :D

Blog Jesus answers:

Look under your pillow and you'll find a ticket to Indy. Now I am not going to tell you how to find my once you get here . . . that's part of the journey.
_________________________________________

Left hand nailed.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 195

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:


Larry asks:

The perfect showman, Blog Jesus. Leave 'em wanting more. My question is, do you think they'll want more?

Blog Jesus answers:

Hell no. They'll just move on to the next retard with a good gimmick and I will be forgotten like . . . what the fuck is that guy's name.


HFB asks:

Why do you have to be such a bastard? Didn't I give you a sandwich? What, that wasn't enough for you?

Blog Jesus answers:

Abusive parents and a wandering eye.

Yes you did, but I wanted the bread toasted.


Cecil B. asks:

Where are you goin?

Blog Jesus answers:

Absolutely nowhere . . . unless the money is right.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Will there be a second coming? And who will I turn to to make fun of me?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

I've pretty much blown my load so I think a second coming is doubtful.

Try and find your father.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Does my love of being tied up and dominated really affect my place in heaven? Afterall, I am jewish and figure I'm pretty much fucked out of heaven to begin with...right?

PS: Excited about your birthday bash in 4 days?!

Blog Jesus answers:

There's a special place in heaven for your sort. It's called my romper room.

Not really. All I get is praise and no gifts. It fucking sucks.


Jeremiah states:

Don't forget to go out with a final shot at black folks. Gotta love you for those.

Blog Jesus answers:

It's statements like this one that prevents them from allowing us to own them anymore.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Whore.

Sorry, that's supposed to be a question.

So: Whore?

Also: why are you such a quitter?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nah, I just ate dinner.

It is not so much that I have quit as it is that I have grown tired of you and would like to get back to skinning kittens.


Jeremiah asks:

Oh, sorry...question format. Imagine my embarrassment...well, I came here so right there I couldn't avoid embarrassment. Anyway..

Aren't you just a darling, dear Jezzus, for all those amazingly funny shots at black folks?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would call myself a scare white folk firmly entrenched in a very white state in the Union rather than darling and dear.


R.U. Serious asks:

Blog Daddy J

Did Labbie just ask if you are going to have a second orgasm?

Blog Jesus answers:

As if he was asking anything else.


Old Roses asks:

Does this mean that Duff is going to be unemployed? Sorry, Duff. Bummer. Especially to get dumped, I mean fired, during the holidays.

Blog Jesus answers:

No. Duff is still an employee of Heightened Jesus, Inc. There is still chaos to be spread, just not in this format. Plus, you just can't put that kind of ass out on the street.


Danikabur asks:

I will be so lost when you leave! What will I do?

Blog Jesus answers:

I got so many large cocked individuals heading your way that the void will be filled and then some.


Lori asks:

So exactly what did that mean in my Christmas card...I got the other day??

Have a great day!!!

Blog Jesus answers:

It was jizz and it means don't accept cards from the homeless.


____________________________________________

Left hand nailed.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, December 19, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 194

Before answering any questions, it's announcement time. Blog Jesus will be leaving the Earthly coil after my 200 day of answering questions. I feel that if your world isn't right after 200 days of my shoveling this shit then you're doomed. I invite everyone to scoop up as much advice as you can over the next seven installments. And now on to the regular opening:

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

R.U. Serious asks:

Blog Daddy J

Is it just my imagination or does making fun of Labbie raise my worth in your ministry?

Blog Jesus answers:

That Johnny Cash photo is what raises your worth. Everyone makes fun of Labbie and if I were to reward people for doing that then it would get as bad as the Special Olympics.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Washington beat Dallas, Indianapolis went down to San Diego... Is this the end times?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

No just a bad day to be a professional gambler.


________________________________________________

Consider the right hand nailed.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, December 16, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 193

That's right, I skipped out on you all yesterday. Actually I didn't skip out on "you all" because there was only one question. No offense to my wonderful reader, R.U. Serious, but I just didn't feel like wasting my time on one question. So new rule, if there is only one question on a particular day, then I am taking that day off. Screw the regular opening, lets get this shit started.

The Wonderful R.U. Serious asks:

Blog Daddy J

I keep reading these posts from Labbie indicating he believes he may be having sex.

What drugs is he on and where can I get some?

Blog Jesus answers:

I understand that he licks the anal cavity of kittens before logging in and asking a question.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

What kind of proof must I provide to show that, indeed, I HAVE been "laying down pipe"?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

Blue prints of the home you're building along with a slide show of the construction should suffice.


Oldroses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I assume the answer to labbie's question is to provide photographic proof. Will you be sharing the pictures with us?

Blog Jesus answers:

Only if quality construction is exhibited.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I've got a question for you. Will the Indianapolis Colts go undefeated during the regular season? If so, will they win the Super Bowl or will they choke earlier?

Blog Jesus answers:

They will not go undefeated by choice, but they will win the Super Bowl and the ejaculation content of Indiana will rise tenfold.


MrGumby2u asks:

BeJeZus,

Just what does it take to choke a colt? And is that allowed?

Blog Jesus answers:

Just a firm, black hand. This isn't slavery times, of course a man can drink a Colt 45.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Is choking a colt like spanking a monkey?

Blog Jesus answers:

For those blessed with small hands, yes.

______________________________________________

Like you deserve a witty comment.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 192

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Threecharlie asks:

Jesus-

What's the deal with the locals here in Naples, Italy? Are there any cool people here or are they all a bunch of crooks?

Thanks.

-Charlie

Blog Jesus answers:

I hate to tell you this Charlie but every resident of Naples except you have become hooked on heroin. That makes them cool and you a completely dork. Start shooting up or get left behind.


Anonymous City Girl asks:

If you're Jesus, why do you live in Indiana?

Blog Jesus answers:

Oh newbies, so retarded. The Blog Jesus is nothing like that panty sniffer reefer addict regular Jesus. I live in Indiana because I am too lazy to move somewhere that would allow my career to take off.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Where do I sign up to defend your ass in the war against Christmas?

Blog Jesus answers:

Kid, you're not a newbie but you may be equally retarded. Everyone knows that Arbor Day is Blog Jesus' day. Sign up to protect me in the war on that.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I'm the secret santa of this one really cute girl at work. Should I get her more than she asked for? Further, will I get any action out of the deal?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

You'll only fuck it all up if you go off the list. Just get her what she wants then avoid her . . . . she'll appreciate that a whole fucking lot.

______________________________________________

Once the live stage is dead, you have to burn the body in order to bury it . . . for the sake of drama.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 191

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Duff asks:

dear boss~

is it bad that i haven't started xmas shopping yet? i mean, i haven't bought a damned thing.

oh, and my cards? they'll be late again this year, too.....

Blog Jesus answers:

It is bad that you're going Christmas shopping to begin with. All you're doing is making corporate fat cats richer and thus making them less likely to listen to me.


Snappedphoenix asks:

My Lord,

Is it okay to go out with someone if you know they are more into you, then you are into them? I mean, one person always like one better than the other, right?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is all right as long as you're able to manipulate sex out of the deal. If not, you're wasting your time.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I'm pretending to pretend? Niiice. At any rate, I heard that masturbating will make you blind... What's the scientific explanation for that phenomenom?

In him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

Olden folk used to do it wrong and took shots in the eye. There were never any clean towels around and that shit go infected - hence the blindness.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Chargers-Colts this weekend. The Colts are 13-0, but the way I see it, that's a soft 13-0. Sure, the Chargers have 5 more losses, but they have much better helmet logos. I say Chargers 45, Colts 0. Should we make some kind of bet?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sure. If the Chargers win by that margin I will refrain from gunning down retards for a week. If they do not you have to kill two of your kids.


MrGumby2u asks:

BeJeeZus,

Can you let us know who is going to win the war on Christmas? I don't want to waste my time and money shopping for presents if things are looking bad for the Christmas Mercantilists.

Blog Jesus answers:

In a shocking turn, polar bears will win the war and we'll be too busy fearing being eaten to care about Christmas.


_____________________________________________

Okay, so the live stage may actually still be breathing, but kick it a few times and all will be well.

As always, I lo

Monday, December 12, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 190

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Duff asks:

dear boss~

what do you want for christmas? keep in mind that i'm trying for the prestigious "employee of the year" award.

oh, and my budget is 50 cents.

Blog Jesus answers:

I know a homeless bloke who will cut off one of his toes for two shiny quarters. Nothing says Merry X-mas like severed homeless toes.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Whew! What a weekend! I hooked up with the ex, and, let me tell you, it was like a bad acid flashback... Only this one involved cake. At any rate, will we get back together and live happily ever after?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

No, she's trying to sex your stink off of her as I write.


Danikabur asks:

I still didn't find the midget but there is a trail of Jack Daniels to my shoe closet. It doesn't go anywhere from the closet though. Any other ideas?

Blog Jesus answers:

Go to the nearest African American run S & M store.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is Labbie pretending he's getting laid again?

Blog Jesus answers:

He is actually pretending that he's pretending to get laid again. So very sad.


______________________________________

The live stage is a dead end.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, December 09, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 189

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Stacy asks:

Dear Big Man Upstairs,

How come you didn't dump enough snow on my city for my place of employment to make it a paid snow day? I prayed nicely.

In your name,

~Stacy

Blog Jesus answers:

People that get all snow ansy are pussies. I will never allow another snow day for workers again . . . not after the Enron snowball fight incident.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Is there any website that specializes in pictures of AWD vehicles crashed in the snow? Looking at them would really make me happy.

Blog Jesus answers:

Try www.AWDvehicleskilledmydaughter.com


Danikabur asks:

I told the midget guide to send the code!

Where did he run off to anyway?

Blog Jesus answers:

Check your liquor cabinet and if he's not there, look into all your shoes.


Housekeeper asks:

Do you think a gift certificate for a Brazilian wax is an appropriate Christmas gift for a man?

Blog Jesus answers:

Only if he is performing it on a fair skinned Korean woman.





_________________________________________

Eh.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, December 08, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 188

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Danikabur asks:

Me leave the flock??? How could you think that?

I had to go into hiding since Jennifer Garner figured out I was trying to kidnap her for you. I'll get back on that as soon as the security lets me near her again.

Blog Jesus answers:

You forgot to send me the code alerting me that your cover had been blown. I would have called in an extraction team you could've spent the last several weeks on your back being serviced. Remember protocol.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I want to apply for a job as an Air Marshall. Do you think I have the right stuff?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

Well an Air Marshall is just a retarded guy that wants to be a pilot. An air marshal is a badass who guns down crazies on planes. You do have the right stuff to be an Air Marshall


___________________________________________

Check out the hook while my deejay revolves it.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 187

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Snappedphoenix asks:

My Lord,

My Manager at work is a complete bitch and making work hell on earth. What should I do? Can you do something?

Blog Jesus answers:

Here's what you need to do. Get some hot coffee and throw it in her face. I will ensure that your feet move fleetly when you scidaddle.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

What nickname does our president have for condi when they are being intimate?

Blog Jesus answers:

Slonge Jones.


Danikabur asks:

Dearest BJ

Have you missed me? I've missed you.

When are those firemen getting to me? It has been a while... they must be ready by now!

Blog Jesus answers:

I called them off because I thought you left the flock. Keep asking questions for awhile and the firefighters will be exploring you for hotness.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I heard a Jewish scientist from MIT on the radio today, he was saying that there is evidence of God everywhere. Is there eveidence of you somewhere?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

The third toilet on the third floor of my place of business.

_____________________________________________

Oh my God, he just dropped an awesome bomb.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 186

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I bought one of my hot coworkers (not as hot as Duff, though) a vibrating massager for Christmas and she completely took it the wrong way... Would it be unethical of me to take it back to the store without disinfecting it first?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

No. It would be unsanitary and could potentially spread disease, which makes the idea of disinfecting it a lousy one.

_________________________________________

Suck.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, December 05, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 185

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

R.U. Serious asks:

Blogg Doggy J

Does Labbie understand that that "girl" is a mannequin, and those “melons” are fiberglass?

Blog Jesus answers:

But they talk to him in his mind and that makes them real and that makes their love okay.


Duff asks:

dear boss~

i bought some new lingerie while in kansas city last week, but now i seem to be missing the black bra and matching thongs. you wouldn't happen to know what happened to them by any chance, would you?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have them stowed away for Wednesday's staff meeting. Come prepared to just be wearing those.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Would you mind telling Labbie that I'm a girl?

Blog Jesus answers:

And ruin his thoughts that he will some day meet you and have man love? Never.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Which departmental store would Jesus do his christmas shopping at and why?

Blog Jesus answers:

He would just hang out by the doors leading into Sears and steal shit. He's a cheap bastard.


J.U. asks:

Will Notre Dame and Touchdown Jesus say a Hail Mary and win the Fiesta Bowl against Ohio State? Do you think you could help with their noble cause?

The word verification thing is getting creepy.

Blog Jesus answers:

I have already placed a large bet in the Golden Domers favor which will inevitably put the fix into the game.

Professor Leotus and The Duke of Sweet Cheeks asks:

My Dearest Web Log Christ,

Will I get what I requested on my wish list for this Christmas?Or will I just have to settle for yet another Eve warming over a synthetic polar bear skin rug in front of a fake crackling fire with stale cookies and warm Jäger in the belly, and a hand me down realdoll caressing my oh so sensitive shoulders?

Blog Jesus answers:

Expect the latter, but with out the real doll. It will get burned in the fire before then.


_____________________________________________

If you have not stomped on a kitten lately get off your ass.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, December 02, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 184

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

If I call "Da Buttah" 'Da Burrah' would that make me Chinese or Laotian?

Blog Jesus answers:

It will make you a southern dame who drinks polluted water.


R.U. Serious asks:

Have you ever considered creating your own 10 Commandments?

Blog Jesus answers:

That takes too much effort. My only commandments are "obey me" and "feed me." Fuck who you want and kill who you want.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Tell SJ it would make him a Texan with an ADD problem so much so that he just types away without proofreading... You know? Like me.Question: I grabbed her delicious melons, and she didn't go for it. What should be my next move?

Blog Jesus answers:

A good knock to the jaw will wise her up.



____________________________________

Saturday is alright for eating bread with pickles.


As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, December 01, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 183

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

R.U. Serious asks:

How effective is it when Labbie screams "Give da Buttah an A" to her profs?

Blog Jesus answers:

All it causes indigestion and a slight case of the squirts. That is the equivelant of a "C"


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Let's recap, shall we? You've called me gay, serial killer, serial rapist, drug addict, illegal immigrant, Barbara Streissand, Bob Seger, and Sonny and Cher... Now, whore. WTF? I am probably the one of your followers that has stuck around the longest, despite the spite... But enough complaining.

How effective IS me screaming "Give Da Burrah an A" as I service her professors?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

In this realm, all of the above are terms of endearment. You'd hate it if I stopped bringing you down.

It all depends on her profs fondness of genital warts.


Serra asks:

Dear Blog Jeebus,

Will You, in Your infinite Mightiness, please smite those jerkoff asshats who list a shirt as white and available in all sizes in an ad, only for me to find that the only ones left are sage stinkin' green and only available in UberSmall?

Praise You and all that,

Serra

Blog Jesus answers:

Their balls have been replaced by grenades with the pins already out.


Sideshow Bob asks:

How is Your name does a fish get in a tree?

And do You send messages through the word verification thing? Mine said "poomelt"...what?

Blog Jesus answers:

The first question is easy . . . the fish had wings that were burnt off by the sun. This caused the fish to fall to the ground where it was picked up by birds that did not want to see the fish killed. The birds took the fish to a cave where it was then kidnapped and held for ransom. The drop point was a tree. See easy.

The word verification thing is tired. I do have an in and she causes me much delight by fucking with you dumbasses.


Labbie states:

I meant to write da Buttah, with two T's.

Blog Jesus responds:

Way to fix the fuck up. Too bad you disrupted my flow in doing so.

____________________________________________

Dream weavers only help you get crabs at night.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus