Wednesday, November 30, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 182

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I got some cake tonight, and I'm feeling good. Should I call her tomorrow, or let her sweat it out a bit then call her on the weekend for more?

In Him,

Labbie

ps: Skull-fucking is overrated.

Blog Jesus answers:

Why are you even calling her at all? You have her locked in your closet. Just open the door and ask her if she wants some dinner on Friday. Whatever her answer then just piss on her like normal and go about your day.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Tell Labbie to call her. Oh, and I do not have the bird flu, I have an allergic reaction to the flu shot I got before thanksgiving. Smite them for me Haschem. SMITE THEM!

Anyway, anyway you can help me do better on finals? Any advice? Maybe brain wash my profs into giving me the "A" i so desperately deserve?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have sent each of your professors a whore that will only scream "Give an A to Da Buttah" while servicing them. Your good grades are ensured.

________________________________________

The Veggie Tales support man love.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 181

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

J.U. asks:

BJ:

Which do you prefer: a silent, unnoticed arrival or an alcohol-fuled grand entrance filled with fire and brimstone and pain?

I'd like to know what I'm up against.

Blog Jesus answers:

I like a silent alcohol influenced arrival that leads to fire and brimstone. Go out with a bang, not in with one.


R.U. Serious asks:

Do you think that the Ask a Pothead vs. Yet Another Fucking Mommy Blog, or whatever it's called, is rigged against Chronic?

Blog Jesus answers:

The whole world is rigged against lovers of the pot. It's a global conspiracy lead by the Illuminati and the creator of Care Bears.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

What the fuck yo? Why am I a phlegm bucket, but not sick?!! HELP!!

Blog Jesus answers:

All I will say is that is not Gatorade that you have been drinking.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Does Da Buttah have Bird Flu or what?

Blog Jesus answers:

That is something between her and her pickle jar.



___________________________________________

Hairy goats get more love than you think.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, November 28, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 180

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I've already had the dream of KISS taking over the world, thank you very much. It wasn't such a bad dream, but everyone dressed up like Raiders fans. Weird.

Does God favor the team with the best coach or does he really work miracles, as evidenced by the Hail Mary pass?

Blog Jesus answers:

God favors the teams that pay him more in bribe money. He's a greedy whore.


Old Roses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I went to a friend's house for Thanksgiving. She promised to give me leftovers to take home. Instead, she gave me a gigantic flower pot. Is she trying to tell me something?

Blog Jesus answers:

She wants you to eat hardened clay and die. Burn her house down in response.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Why does my head hurt after a night out in town?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

You're a sucker for the old "let the homeless skull fuck you" on a dare trick.


Jess asks:

BJ:

When will I lose the will to work?

Blog Jesus answers:

You already have, you're just too lazy to notice it.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Is my dream of fronting a re-formed Wreckx-N-Effect completely impossible or is it just a stupid dream to have?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is an incredibly stupid dream to have, but it is not impossible. If you walk about town when Labbie is out you're likely to catch Effect doing some skull fucking.


____________________________________________

Dung warriors are well liked but lonely souls.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 179

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Housekeeper asks:

Dear BJ-

My almost crazy sister is coming to my house for Thanksgiving, is there anything I can do to push her over the edge? I looking for a good holiday story?

Blog Jesus answers:

Feed her a lot of butter then whack her over the head with a whiffle ball bat. That'll get your story.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

What are you thankful for? Besides alcohol, strippers, prostitutes, killing babies, nakes secretaries, sex, guns, rock and roll, Barbara Streisand, and Dick Cheney, of course...

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

Deviant interpretations of the Disney classic "Dumbo"


Jess asks:

Does my thirty-minute, over the phone review and critique of the newest Harry Potter movie make me a total loser or a partial loser?

Blog Jesus answers:

It makes you a total lose with a hint of pedophile freakishness.


HFB asks:

I love duck. Or is it soup? Which one do you shoot?

Blog Jesus answers:

You shoot soup and beat duck with a 9 iron.


____________________________________________

I'm off the for the long holiday weekend, but I will return on Monday. Don't be thankful for that, I'll have nothing but bile to spit by that point.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 178

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Why does it hurt when I do this? *wince* Yeah, right there... Ow!

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

Because you have the pain threshold of a little baby girl that's a real pussy.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog-Jesus,

Why is it whenever I go hang out with my female friends I get caught up in all their drama. Is there a way to do so drama-free?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yeah - roofies.


Jess asks:

BJ:

Pumpkin soup or pumpkin pie?

Blog Jesus answers:

Pumpkin shoes


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

What do ungrateful people do for thanksgiving?

Blog Jesus answers:

Get drunk in their casinos on the reservation.


The Jobey asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I bailed on my friends to hit a toga party. They'll get over it, right?

Jobes

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, they found they had a better time without you around.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I had this weird dream were everyone was a pirate. Could this be a sign or vision from the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Have I been touched by his noodly appendage?

Blog Jesus answers:

You haven't been touched until you dream of KISS as robots taking over the Earth


____________________________________________

Drunk turkeys eat other turkeys and like it.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, November 21, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 177

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Old Roses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Your last communication instructed us to kill something because it is the weekend. Does killing my own brain cells with alcohol count?

Blog Jesus answers:

No, but if you give a baby some alcohol and kill some it's brain cells then you're golden.


Duff asks:

dear boss~

i'm getting kind of hungry. got anything around here that i can nibble on?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have a razor and three condoms in my desk drawer and that's about it.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

She really did mean for me to bite her, literally. Who would have known? At any rate. The question after the weekend is: Dark Meat or White?

In Him,

Labbie

ps: Duff can have some of my cake, if she's really that hungry.

Blog Jesus answers:

Green meat is the fucking way to go.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I had a really weird dream involving me losing the ability to speak English and I only spoke fluent Spanish. Then I woke up speaking Spanish. Is this like normal or something?

Now the Word Verification feature is going to African place names.

Blog Jesus answers:

It is perfectly normal. You'll be pulling jalepenos out of your ass my midweek.


Kay Richardson asks:

Hello Jesus, you're great etc etc. Could you help with a problem? If I were to go back in time and kissed my past self, would I then be gay? I need to know.

Kay.

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes you would be gay and you will also be extremely icky.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Since your birthday is coming up next month, does that entitle you to any fringe benefits like free lapdances and 2 for 1 pitchers?

Blog Jesus answers:

I already get both of those things. For my birthday all hookers are for a penny a piece.


Jess asks:

BJ:

If a turkey kills the hunter trying to kill it for Thanksgiving dinner, is it homocide or self-defense?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually the government will just call it avian flu and scare the shit out of everyone.

__________________________________________

Soup.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, November 18, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 176

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

What does it mean when a girl tell me to bite her?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

She is telling you to fuck off like everyone else. I really wish I could mail you a clue.


R.U. Serious asks:

Blog to the J

Is it just me or are the jokes about word verification getting lamer? Is that even possible?

Blog Jesus asks:

They are so fucking lame that I cut myself every time it is brought up. If it gets worse I will cut a nearby kid.


TLH asks:

Big J:

Can you remind me again which seven sins are the deadly ones?

P.S. Thanks for the weather. It worked.

P.P.S. My word verification joke: This gig peanut butter + jelly hellO!

Blog Jesus answers:

None of them are deadly. They should be shrunk and passed out as party favors.


Housekeeper asks:

Dear BJ,

I was watching “The View” today, an offense I should get a smiting for, when they mentioned that Heidi Fleiss is opening a brothel that staffs male hookers…TOTALLY MY IDEA!!! Is there anyway for me to still get in on the male whore industry?

Blog Jesus answers:

I thought you were already immersed in the industry with your short skirts and leather fetish.


Jess asks:

BJ:

What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

Blog Jesus answers:

Shaving the heads of older women.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Is it to Labbie's benefit that he is such a failure at interpreting feminine signals cause that way he doesnt feel bad when he gets put down by women?

Blog Jesus answers:

His social retardness keeps him alive.


Danikabur asks:

Damn! I am all out of books to read. Do you have any erotic books that I can borrow... you know so I'm ready for my firemen?Also what the hell is up with this wind?

Blog Jesus answers:

I don't have any erotic books left in the library. I do have some Dog's Life magazines that will probably work.

I caused an orphanage to collapse and it was that whole butterfly effect thing.


New York Moments asks:

Blog Jesus,

Why do men love to jerk off for women on webcams? And why is it that they don't realize that we just laugh at them instead of getting horny?

Blog Jesus answers:

They were born in Labbie's gene pool.


MrGumby2u asks:

Bejesus;

I just emerged from my coma and find this wacky-ass "word verification" (yeah, right; "ucjddmdy" is a word) thingamajig standing between me and my savior. WTF, mate?

Blog Jesus answers:

I had too many people leaving for cock enlargements due to those damn spammers.
______________________________________

It's the weekend - kill something.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, November 17, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 175

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Old Roses asks:

Why don't you do something about the crazy weather?

And is kzqvcbv actually a word? Did you run out of w's?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have done something about the weather. I have made it colder so that people can feel more alone and very bitter.

No it is not an actual word and I did not run out of w's. There's a new bitch doing the word verifying today and she thinks her shit smells sweet enough to ignore me. She'll get what she deserves.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Everyone I knows says that I take obsessive-compulsive behavior to unhealthy extremes. Just because I have to have towels folded in a certain way or I refold them in the way I like them to be folded doesn't mean I have OCD.

So, is that really Obsessive Compulsive behavior or are they just crazy?

Now the word verification thingy is giving me Slavic-sounding place names without vowels. Thanks. I feel much better.

Blog Jesus answers:

They're crazy you go on and continue to perfectly straigtened the bangs on your Barbies.


Danikabur asks:

Oh thank goodness! I was really starting to worry. So what should I do while I wait for them to be ready?

Blog Jesus answers:

Besides lube shopping . . . . read a book.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Why are the powers that be so cloyingly.......cloy?!

Blog Jesus answers:

I don't know, why are the powers that be so cloyingly cloy?


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Instead of the wafer and the wine can I feed on the flesh and blood of the real you?

I'm not a cannibal by the way....Not that there's anything wrong with it.

Blog Jesus answers:

No . . . only office staff of the vaginal persuasion gets to "eat me" and not in the way you describe.

___________________________________

Blossom should be brought back to life so that I can kill her again.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 174

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I told my boss the place was circling the drain, and he told me to "get over it". How do I get over it?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

I rub a rabbit on my balls. Try that.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I got another obscene sounding word verification word. Make it stop.

How do you do that?

Blog Jesus answers:

I can only stop obscenity if I see it and since I think nothing is obscene I never see it.

I am the word verification guy's main suppiler of the letter "w"


Danikabur asks:

When will my sex life get back on track?

Blog Jesus answers:

As soon as the new set of well hung firefighters come in from Nigeria.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

How can I cure my addiction to sniffing dry erase board marker ink?

Blog Jesus answers:

Drink some toilet bowel cleaner.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem,

Miss me?! :)

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes and my blue balls have missed you as well.

______________________________________

Tornadoes yesterday, snow today - God bless Indiana

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 173

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Will people from other countries, like Texas, ever learn to speak English? I swear... If I get one more phone call to go translate for them at the hospital...

In Him,

Labbi

Blog Jesus answers:

I have legislation in place that will force foreigners to speak Ebonics. Though Texans will be taught queer.


Cecil B. asks:

Hey-zeus,

Where can I find some herbs? This country is drier than nintey year old vag.

Blog Jesus answers:

I have a two neighbors named Herb that shower together for like an hour today. They also like guests - feel free to stop by.


Josh asks:

Dear BJ,

I've always wondered...

Why didn't Noah squash the two mosquitoes?

Blog Jesus answers:

He liked being sucked on by all the animals.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

I am kind of suspicious about Mongolia. Its never in the news and it is pals with Dubya. Is there anything fishy going on over there that we should know about?

And today's word verification is uxpzzrzp .. Whats with that oh Lord?

Blog Jesus answers:

They have opened up a series of Barbeque joints and are making us mad with Mongolian meat fever.

The word verifier had a seizure.


New York Moments asks:

Blog Jeezuz,

If Steven Tyler is so ugly, then why does my pussy get so WET when I see him on TV?

Blog Jesus answers:

You like his fancy dresses.


Jess asks:

BJ:

Is Campbells really Mmm-mmm good?

Blog Jesus answers:

No, but it makes me laugh when it burns the mouths of children.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What are the possibilities of Campbell's tomato soup? Are they that infinite as the ditty implies or more limited?

Yeah, and I think the word verification word I got sounds obscene for some reason...

Blog Jesus answers:

All that it is good for is eating and fucking.

Then they are listening to my suggestions.

___________________________________

Killer storms are heading my way . . . see you tomorrow.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, November 14, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 172

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Marriedman Yang asks:

oh shepard,

are you racist?

oh, and once I had a third nipple, and labbie went nuts. Does this mean he wants me, or does it just mean that he lactates over nipples?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nigga please!

It means that you have an unhealthy obsession with this kid and you really need to devote your life to stalking someone famous so that you can be locked away and people will feel safe again.


Duff asks:

dear boss~

how on earth can grown men driving in circles- in trucks- pass for entertainment?

i mean, grown women dancing in circles, preferably around a pole, is one thing, but......

Blog Jesus answers:

Alcohol and inbreeding make a man enjoy weird things.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Thank you for answering my questions about acceptable places to have sex. Your answers were wise and informative.

What is your opinion on the Touchdown Jesus mural at Notre Dame? Would that be sacrilege?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am cool with it so long as the Golden Domers keep winning and making my bets worthwhile.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I have been thinking of someone's boobs all the time, and I feel unclean. How can I get her delicious works of art out of my head?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

Stick a pencil up your nose and then get a hammer out and pound up into your brain. I call it "Tits Be Gone."


Duff asks again:

dear boss~

labbie's talking about my breasts, isn't he?

why am i not bothered by being salivated over like a piece of meat?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, he's the guy that leaves ball smudges on all the office windows.

Because you don't even like wearing pants or underwear to work.


Cecil B. asks:

Hey-Zeus,

Is there a way to off my roommate with out getting put in jail? Seriously. This bitch has to go. And fuck you for making me live with her.

And why does it take me about ten times to get this damn word verification thing to work?

Blog Jesus answers:

Provide her a trip to Tawain and then arrange to have her kidnapped and turned into a white slave for some fat Russian who summers in Prague.

Because you can't spell such easy words as cuyahnogb


TJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is it true that you're holding out for more moulah and a bigger percentage of the gross before you sign off on the rights to "The Passion of the Christ II"??

Blog Jesus answers:

You're new so I will go over it again. I have nothing to do with Regular Jesus - he's a myth. I am quite real and even liberal America is not ready for my life story.


Housekeeper asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

A follow up on tj's question. Since your are Blog Jesus and the Passion of the Christ is about the Bible Jesus, care to share any insights about the "Passion of the Blog Jesus"?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's like "Jake and the Fatman" but with porn during the commercial breaks.


Jess asks:

BJ: What's the worst pick up line you've ever heard? And did it work?

Blog Jesus answers:

Has the drink made you sleepy yet? I don't remember.

_________________________________________

Kick Elliot Ness' dog.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, November 11, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 171

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:


TLH asks:

Dear Blog Jesus - How can you still be awake?

TLH

Blog Jesus answers:

I have nothing to thank but a mixture of hobo blood and Mountain Dew.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Is the "Fitty Cent" movie really the source of all the black-on-black-on-white-on-brown-on-yellow violence?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

No. The source has always been the movie version of "Annie."


_______________________________________

Gopher shots.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, November 10, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 170

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I'm sort of crushing on Maggie Gyleenhaal. Will it be weird if I mention to her that I saw her naked in that one movie on our first date? Or should I just keep mum?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

Don't worry about talking about the movie. The "date" will be weird because she'll be tied up and you'll be threatening to cut her if she screamed for help.


R.U. Serious asks:

Blog to the J,

If you are so powerful, why are you in Indiana?

Blog Jesus answers:

This state created the greatest white basketball player ever. There's magic ass power here.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What about making sweet, sweet love in a church? I saw this happen in New York City. Would that be OK?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sweet, sweet love is not allowed in church - only hard fucking. We're talking break the pew shit here.


Footprint asks:

Dear BJ:

We;ve had a suspicion that our neighbor has been having "relations" whilst babysitting our dog. What can you do about it??

Blog Jesus answers:

Get a chastity belt for your dog and pray he can go without licking his balls for a few hours.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

What's Bizarro Blejus like, and are you two friends?

Blog Jesus answers:

He eats all my cheese, but other than that he's good in a stick up.


NewYorkMoments asks:

Blog Jesus...

This blog has renewed my will to live.

Can you explain to me why a large number of my gender are mindless idiots?

Blog Jesus answers:

Constant cock craving.


Marriedman Chang asks:

shepard of the flock,

dr. pepper or mr. pibb?

who wins?

Blog Jesus answers:

Mr. Pibb sounds like a black man so he'll obviously have a gun and put a cap in that Doc's ass then take his BMW.


Duff asks:

dear boss~

can you zip this for me?

thanks. that's much better.

now, why is it that labbie is reduced to a puddle of goo at the mere metion of "boobs"?

Blog Jesus answers:

I will never get over the fact that you love being in a body bag.

He has a third testicle that is immature.


Labbie states:

*melts down to a puddle of goo* Oh, dear Lord... There I go again.

Blog Jesus responds:

Don't bill me for the sheets.
______________________________________________

Piss squares.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 169

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Motherdear asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

You're welcome for the award. Don't blame me, I didn't nominate OR vote for for you. But someone did. I'm sure they're happy about it now.

My question - why did you send a tornado to blow apart your own state of Indiana? Did they do something to upset you? (And no, nobody from Indiana nominated or voted for you for any awards, so I know that wasn't it.)

Blog Jesus answers:

If you can't kill your own then you have no right to kill at all.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Since you know the Big Guy Up There, I was thinking you would have an answer to the following question. Is it sacrilege to have sex on the steps of a church? I saw this behavior several years ago in Boston. If not, are there any rules of etiquette that one should follow?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's cool to make sweet, sweet love on the steps of the church - just don't leave any juices of any sort behind.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

With evolution having finally been laid to rest (finally) in Kansas, will you make Wichita the base of your operations now?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. It will remain my toilet.


DucatiMike asks:

Hey BJ,

So I've recently come back to blogging and such and I'm not liking this word verification thing...it's a PITA.

My question:

Can I borrow one of the Anal Chainsaws...I have need of one here at work....this boss of mine... Need I really explain further?

Blog Jesus answers:

I will let you borrow one, but you need to clean it before handing it back and you can't wear gloves while doing so.


Where Did I Go? asks:

Your Jolliness,

would you recommend the Doom movie, being based on Hell, or What Dreams May Come, based on your homeland?

And what's with your music already? Can't we give the pilgrams a chance?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would recommend the film I have of the Rock sodomizing Robin Williams.

I love my oppressive pilgrim music - those bastards killed the Indians and eliminated a good source of slaves.


Marriedman Chang asks:

Dearest blog jeeeesus.

Now that I'm "outing" gay men that don't need to be "outed" on my blog (e.g. Condoleeza Rice and Alf) will I go straight to hell? Or will I take a detour?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think I have told you that you are going to hell for quite awhile now. Once it is determined you are hellbound there is no detour. You go from dead to fucked pretty quickly.

________________________________________

Poor jobless Maggie Grace.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 168

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

You truly are the master of making all things right. As you are the current blog guru, I have an interesting question for you to answer.

Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp? Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong? Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop? Who put the dip in the dip da dip da dip? Who was that man? I'd like to shake his hand. He made my baby fall in love with me.

Blog Jesus answers:

His name is Herb Williamson from Portland, Maine. He's a pedophile so he'll only touch your hand after you touch your kid's hand.


Jess asks:

BJ:

What's with your obsession with all things ass?

Blog Jesus answers:

I made a killing on donkey futures years ago.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

Besides alcohol, drugs and sex, what else is there to get rid of the blues?

Blog Jesus answers:

Well there are hate crimes and ice cream. Child abuse takes care of the doldrums as well.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

If homosexuality were a sin, wouldn't God have built the sphincter so it wouldn't open from outside?

Blog Jesus answers:

He tried the other way and it was just damn gross. It's a flaw in the product that lead to raw ass results.


Pops states:

Beej,

Even though I referenced the fact that everyone gets a medal in the Special Olympics today and you referenced the same thing yesterday, I want it to be made clear that I didn't actually steal that from you. I think everyone knows that if I were going to steal something from yesterday, it would have definitely been "anal chainsaw".

Blog Jesus responds:

Whatever. Pimp both my blogs in your next post and all with be pretty much forgiven.

__________________________________________

It'll be raining soon. Keep inside and wait to kill someone tomorrow.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, November 07, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 167

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

David R. Collett asks:

B-Jesus

Bible Jesus is offering me a place in heaven in return for my devotion on earth. I haven't made my mind up and am still shopping around.

Can you beat his offer?

Blog Jesus answers:

No, but I have your family in a basement and I will have my cronies break out the anal chainsaw if you don't go my way.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

After a day of answering questions and making the world right for the masses of humanity, what do you do for fun?

Blog Jesus answers:

Burn children with cigarettes.


Motherdear states:

Congratulations, MPH, your site has been voted Best Comedic Blogsite by your peers at The Order of Brilliant Bloggers.If you would care to do so, there is code available to paste into your template in order to denote your achievement.

It is at http://www.mdskidsrbrilliant.blogspot.com in the post entitled "The Envelope, Please".

Thank you for your delightful writing, and your vast contribution to the blogging community.

Blog Jesus responds:

I was the only one up for the award. That's sort of like being in the Special Olympics were everyone gets medals.


Jess asks:

BJ:

Plain or peanut?

Blog Jesus answers:

Smooth shit sure comes out the ass easier.


G.D. asks:

where have all the bloggers gone?

Blog Jesus answers:

Outside to experience this nifty thing called the sun.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Is there any way I could coexist with a french beard, yet not keep pulling it all day till my face hurts?

Blog Jesus answers:

Masturbation.


Duff asks:

dear boss~

you aren't going to fall off the face of the earth, too, are you? seems all my favorite blogs have gone on hiatus...and i'd hate to be unemployed- my health coverage just kicked in.

Blog Jesus answers:

Falling off the face of the Earth is not a spectacular way to go. When I get bored with this shit my exit will be bloody and thought provoking at the same time.


Whoever the fuck he is this week asks:

Blog Geez,

Do you know any good lawyers? I'm afraid Johnny Cochran is no longer with us, and I need some legal counsel. My blog is in peril. Help?

In Him,

Lab Guy "Labbie" Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

I got fuck you money so I don't need lawyers - just my check book. Like I said above I do have a town of anal penetrating saws.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What is a 'French beard' as referenced by Gawker? Is it just one of those beards that smells bad or is there a nice cream sauce involved?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is the ass hair of a Frenchie. It both smells bad and occasionally comes with a nice cream sauce.
____________________________________

MRF

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, November 04, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 166

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

David R. Collett asks:

I have to admit, after only 3 questions, my world is righter.

Where did you get your special powers of "making the world right" from?

Blog Jesus answers:

Peanut butter in my pockets.


Housekeeper asks:

This weekend I have a wedding to attend; it will be the third one I've gone to in less then a month. I've run out of gift ideas what do you suggest.

Blog Jesus answers:

A book on the art of the donkey punch.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

If half of America is asleep waiting for 2008 to show up, how is it that anything is getting done?

Blog Jesus answers:

The other half have hired Mexicans that work on the cheap.


Danikabur asks:

Why do I enjoy cheezy sappy lame ass songs so much?

Blog Jesus answers:

You drink way too much.


Jess asks:

BJ:

If you were to come face to face with Master Yoda, WWBJD (what would blog jesus do)?

Blog Jesus answers:

Pick him up and throw him in the air and laugh giddily.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I have a pressing question to ask you, as you make the world right and you are, of course, Blog Jesus, one of the Natural Wonders of the world.

In your opinion, what is the cheesiest song in the entire world?

Oh yeah, my word verification was "kidho." What's up with that?

Blog Jesus answers:

"A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke.

Blogger is keen on such things.


Where Did I Go? asks:

Oh, Wholy BJ,

following on Duff's question,

What if one has a Lonely, Broken Heart?

What about a broken Coxis?

Blog Jesus answers:

There's no such thing. By that person has slit his or her throat.

Just eat some grapes and have a good cry.


Duff asks:

hey boss~

thanks for waiting. i had a really long post to pound out, then got a little sidetracked and.....

whew!..

but i'm here now. did you save me some takeout? i'm starving.

Blog Jesus answers:

I actually had the Chinese guy stay and he'll cook you some hot food.


________________________________________________

Gutters.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, November 03, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 165

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:


Where Did I Go asks:

I want to be the next Stephen King. What can you do for me?

Blog Jesus answers:

I can certainly run you over with my car. At the very least people may buy your book because they are sorry for your broken ass.


Lab Guy asks:

Blog Geez,

When I get through medical school, which specialty would best fit my aptitudes?

In Him,

Lab Guy

Blog Jesus answers:

Monkey testicle firmness evaluator.


Duff asks:

is it really better to be the owner of a lonely heart, as opposed to the owner of a broken heart?

what if you own a broken futon?

Blog Jesus answers:

The owner of a lonely heart is sad and pathetic. The owner of a broken heart usually wants revenge and that's kick ass.

If you own a broken futon you should be happy because there's been a lot of hard fucking going on.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

To continue the references to songs, why do fools fall in love?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's a government conspiracy to keep divorce rates up and piss off the Catholics.


David R. Collett asks:

B-JesusMore questions. I am a mere student on your path to your higher wisdom.

1) When bible Jesus died he went up to heaven and sat on the right hand of his father. What will happen when you die?

2) Is there a Blog Holy Ghost?

3) Vampires can be harmed by holy water, sunlight etc and so they fear it. What do you fear?

Your will be done - in the blogosphere as it is on earth

Blog Jesus answers:

1) The rioter will probably burn the body and I will be walking around as a ghost fucking up people.

2) Not anymore. I killed him accidentally during a ski trip. He makes for a nice sheet though.

3) Apes that can type thirty words a minute.


Jess asks:

B to the J:

How do you solve a problem like Maria?

Blog Jesus answers:

With the back of my hand. And if that's not enough I get the belt out.

______________________________________________________

Dug nuts.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 164

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

David Collett asks:

Sorry Blog Jesus, I did not realise the difference between you and the other Jesus.

But I still have questions...

1) How would you think modern Christianity would be different if you had been the bible Jesus rather than the other Jesus?

2) Have you met any other blog deities - like Blog Zeus, or Blog Odin? If so, what are they like?

Blog Jesus answers:

There would not be much of a change of than porn would be accepted as viable prime time network programing.

They don't exist. I stand alone on the mountain top pissing one everyone and enjoying every minute. That's right, my pisses take minutes.


Lab Guy asks:

Blog Geez,

Beat myself up about the past... Checked. Now, how do I get rid of this stain on my carpet?

In Him,

Lab Guy

ps: It reads kind of bad, but I swear I didn't do what it reads like I did...

Blog Jesus answers:

Just take a shit in the opposite corner and say that your decorator thought it was a good look.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

How much longer till the world is coated with an inch deep layer of chewing gum?

Blog Jesus answers:

When the root beer recedes.


Jess asks:

BJ:

When the are you going to produce your spawn and take over the world?

Blog Jesus answers:

I don't need kids aka harbingers of doom to take over the world. I just need a fork and a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20.


R.U. Serious asks:

Blog Daddy J

Which is more surprising to you:

The fact that Labboy has a lightsabre

or

The fact that he and Married Man have resisted succumbing to their obvious sexual attraction for so long?

Blog Jesus answers:

Obviously the latter. And thanks . . . your question can only mean that Lab Guy's freak will be back.

_________________________________________

Booze kills the pain that comes back so that booze can kill it again.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 163

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

I waited on my doorstep yesterday with a bagful of candy for little kids to show up. But not a single little kid showed up. Did no one show up because I waited on my doorstep yesterday with a bagful of candy for little kids to show up?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes . . . that and the fact that you were naked and screaming that you wanted to give the young'uns a protien filled treat.


G.D. asks:

BJ,

I was going to ask a question, but gawker's profile pic scared the shit out of me.

Could this explain your popularity decline?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think my popularity decline has to do with being too helpful. I am solving problems much to quickly and in order to solve that problem I request that you all start taking drugs and turning tricks for money. At the very least some family members with their own problems will come on to at least ask why I turned their child/brother/sister/cousin into a crack whore. Then I can convert them as well.


David R. Collett asks:

Blog Jesus:

Long time listener, first time caller.

In Matt.12:40 it says "For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth."

As far as I remember, you went down on the Friday, and got back up again on Sunday morning. That's only two nights by my count.

What happened to the third night? Why did you check out early?

Blog Jesus answers:

Newbie, it's a common mistake to think that I am the regular Jesus - I am not. I don't rely on unsensical magic tricks like the one you described above to lure people in. I rely on abuse and ridicule.

By the way I love your work on the spin off to "America's Funniest Home Videos."


Lab Guy asks:

Blog Geez,

Master Yoda said we must be mindful of the future, but Master Qui-Gon said not to do so at the expense of the here and now. Who's right?

In Him,

Lab Guy

Blog Jesus answers:

They are both wrong. You should be looking deep into the past and beating yourself up for all your mistakes.


Stacy asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is scanning the pews for hot men while at church a sin? Do you take that 'lustful heart' stuff seriously? I mean seriously, even you had to get horny at some points right?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is not a sin until you engage in anal sex with this hot man in the church. Actually that is not a sin either, but it is frowned upon because of the potential fecal expulsion.


Duff asks:

dear boss~

since you told me to spend the rest of the week on my back, could you do me a favor and bring me some of those foil wrapped peanut butter/chocolate candies that look like pumpkins?

thanks, boss.

Blog Jesus answers:

So long as you feed half of them to me while I am sitting above you in my Lazy-Boy.


Digitalicat asks:

Greetings! I'm quite pleased to inform you that you have been nominated for an award from The Order of Brilliant Bloggers for the month of October.

The Order of Brilliant Bloggers is a grass roots group dedicated to recognizing the excellence among us.

Feel free to encourage your readers to stop by and vote for you. Voting for October will run until November 5th, 11:59pm EST.

Congratulations and we hope to see you participating in our group.

(My question: Why haven't you won Best Comedic Site for this already?)

Blog Jesus answers:

Because people don't go out to vote and I would rather drink then campaign.


_____________________________________________

Baddddd yogurt. Ugh.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus