Monday, October 31, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Halloween Edition

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

I'm pretty sure the Anti-Spammer Word Verification thing is trying to tell me something. It's speaking to me in some kind of code. Right now it says "phwtablj". I just KNOW that means something, but I can't quite figure it out. Help me.

Blog Jesus answers:

It means you have been licking toads again.


Larry Jones asks:

Does it freak you out when the souls of the dead return to mingle with the living? Don't you wish we could party with them every night, and not just Halloween?

Blog Jesus answers:

The souls of the dead are always around, they just don't do shit - like most union workers. However, they get OT on Halloween and actually give a shit for one day. For the most part they are just tremendous pains in the ass.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

As much as I like to stay current with the news, I've decided that Mr. Libby was not a great choice. It's Fred Phelps, the crazy export from Kansas.

What's it like to have God as your father?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually it was Sherman Helmsley but he's just too old to go to jail.

Aside for the cigarette burns, sort of bitchin'.


Duff asks:

dear boss~

sorry i haven't been around much lately. you see, the fishnets i bought at frederick's were a size too small, and i lost the reciept, so it's not like they can be returned, so i've been living on the treadmill lately.

which leads to today's question:do i need ice, or heat, to treat my sprained ankle? i can never remember......

Blog Jesus answers:

You need ice and you'll have to work on your back for a week.


Housekeeper asks:

I was looking into becoming a Private Investigator so my stalking practices would have some kind of legitimacy, but the starting costs in my home state are about $1000. Is there a way to get around this hefty fee?

Blog Jesus answers:

Just wear a fedora and trenchcoat while you're stalking and say you're a private dick.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

The voices in my head just said goodbye. I feel really alone now. How do I bring them back?

Blog Jesus answers:

Just keep coming back here. I'll beat out what little sanity came back to you and you'll have a head full of people in no time.


Lab Guy asks:

Blog Geez,

What's a reasonable rate to charge for giving physical therapy for a sprained ankle? And should there be a "happy ending"?

In Him,

Lab Guy

Blog Jesus answers:

I'll pay you five bucks to stay away from my support staff and your happy ending will be me not kicking your ass.

______________________________________________

The fuckers keep asking for candy . . . somebody get my gun.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, October 28, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 161

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Housekeeper asks:

Who side that the customers would be women?

Blog Jesus answers:

You forget that I am Blog Jesus and I know all. Sure you'll advertise to men, but unfortunately all the closet cases in your town will pussy out and not show up. That leaves women and they aren't going to show up either because they'll be drunk and getting laid regardless.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I've got a question for you. I'm attending a Halloween party involving large amounts of beer and I need some advice on what costume to wear.

What should I wear or does it really matter? After all, most of the people are going to be drunk and not notice anything through a beer fog.

Blog Jesus answers:

You should go as Scooter Libby getting anally raped in prison. Show you know how to be very relevant.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

what's with all these people over 40 still dressing up in costumes on Halloween? Isn't the mask that is their life good enough for them?

Blog Jesus answers:

Those people are retarded and still think they are seven years old. Let the tards have their fun - when they are in masks they aren't treated as mongoloid outcasts. Until they talk, then they're the retard in the Scooter Libby getting anally raped outfit.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Apart from throwing it at my monitor what other uses could my keyboard be put to?

Blog Jesus answers:

Mainly just typing questions to me and beating children.



__________________________________________________

I have never been indicted for anything. But I have placed blame on people that lead to their indictments. I'm very proud of that.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, October 27, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 160

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Housekeeper asks:

I want to open a brothel that only staffs male hookers. Do you think it would do well?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. Women never have pay for sex. At the very least, if they are slightly unattractive they have to buy drinks - but nothing more.


Danikabur states:

Well I suppose restroom breaks would be recommended. We should take them at the same time though.. that way I won't miss you so much.

Blog Jesus answers:

Only if we use the same toilet at the same time.

______________________________________________

Two questions? I refuse to believe you kids have lives.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 159

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Guy asks:

Blog Geez,

I like boobs in 3-D, myself... But, to each his own. At any rate, It appears that E-Bay has this "policy" that prohibts auctioning off the services of midgets for personal pleasure. Can you, uh, "do something" about it? Thanks.

In Him,

Lab Guy

Blog Jesus answers:

Call the pleasuring midgets end tables with benefits then run with it.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

As always, you have promptly and efficiently answered my questions, not matter how inane they are. I've got another question for you and it involves the same Bible Thumper.

He says that the end of the world is coming soon and we all should repent. What are the signs of the Apocalypse and when is it finally happening. I've got dibs on December 21, 2012.

Blog Jesus answers:

Listen carefully, the end is never going to come. That's the rub, we have to suffer through this shit for-fucking-ever.


Danikabur asks:

BJ

How long will my good mood last? Also can you stay in my skirt forever?

Blog Jesus answers:

Keep taking the drugs and you'll be fine.

I can stay so long as I get restroom breaks.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Where do mink fur coats come from?

And also is it true that animals do not feel the pain of a limb caught in a fur hunter's trap?

Blog Jesus answers:

Oddly otter bills.

No they feel the pain and I think it is fucking hilarious.


Grouch grouch asks:

Dear Blog J

It's my boyfriends birthday tomorrow. What do you suggest I do for him?

Blog Jesus answers:

Dress up really slutty and make him breakfast food for dinner.


_______________________________________

People gain weight only if they don't eat.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 158

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Danikabur states:

Ooooo yeah thats just where I like you BJ. Thanks. :D

Blog Jesus responds:

Well, I should be liked everywhere . . . but I am willing to let that slide.


Marriedman asks:

Dear BJ

Are your initials concrete evidence that the blow job is indeed divine?

And why do oriental men have such small weenises?

Blog Jesus answers:

No it is concrete evidence that shows that involve a monkey and a semi are awesome.

They eat too much fiber and shit length and girth out.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What's the best way to remove anal warts? (I have a 'friend' who wants to know)

Blog Jesus answers:

Pick at them until they are bloody then go to a doctor.


Lab Guy asks:

Blog Geez,

Will my e-bay business take off? And what do I need to do to assure this?

In Him,

Lab Guy

Blog Jesus answers:

How can your business take off, it does not have legs so it can't move. If you want the business to take off you need to get it some functioning legs.

_________________________________________________

You know what I love in 3-D? Carrots.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, October 24, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 157

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Whomanjim asks:

Oi B.J. -

Wuz checkin out Satan's blog - saw he mentioned yours, so here I am ! You both are very funny - ever thought of teaming up as a comedy duo, ala Cheech & Chong, Bevis & Butt-head, etc.??? By the way, enjoyed ya both dukin' it out on South Park a while back LOLOLOL !!!!!!!!

Cheers - Whoman ;-)

Blog Jesus answers:

I am like Lorenzo Lamas on the cult classic "Renegade." I only work with an Indian with a mullet and a hot blonde. Satan is neither one of those things.

For the last time, I am not regular Jesus. He's a figment of the collective's imagination. I am real.


Satan asks:

Jesarse

Should you smite him or should I?

Blog Jesus answers:

You brought him to the party - he's your responsibility.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Vietnamese noodle soup gave me diarrhea. Do something.

Blog Jesus answers:

Okay . . . don't eat Charlie's noodle soup you dumbass.


Duff asks:

dear boss~

when my contacts make cruncing noises, does that mean it's time to take them out? what if i can't find the case? should i just squirt half a bottle of eyedrops into my right eyeball?

Blog Jesus answers:

When you got crunchy contacts you should take them out. However, I wouldn't mind you squirting a half a bottle of eye drops into your eye. You looked smokin' the last time you came in sporting an eye patch.


Sandi asks:

Can you send over about a dozen strong men to load my moving truck, free of charge?

Blog Jesus answers:

They'e booked. All I got for you is thirty blind midgets that will cost you five dollars.


Danikabur asks:

BJ

I looked under my skirt and didn't find you. I am wearing it today in the hopes that you re-appear under it.

Blog Jesus answers:

Hell - I just moved into your pants. Don't get your panties into a bunch I'll make my way back to the skirt pronto.


Marriedman asks:

Dear Bloggod,

I took your advice to danikabur and checked under my skirt, but you weren't there either. Does that mean you don't exist?

Also, I have a massive mouth maggot problem, any indication as to why?

Blog Jesus answers:

I do exist, but you won't find my under your skirt ever.

The reasons for your maggoty mouth are too numerous to state right here and now.


__________________________________________

No lateness today. Just Twinkies.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Saturday, October 22, 2005

And Now Your Answers . . . Belatedly - Day 156

Sorry folks. The business of being me prevented me from answering your questions on Friday. While I won't go into details about what took my attention away from you - my psychotic disciples. I will say that the puppies don't have to worry about being boiled for another six days. Now where's my usual opening . . .

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

R.U. Serious asks:

Blog Daddy J

Who is the poster that you are most afraid of and why?

Blog Jesus answers:

I fear no man , which means women scare the shit out of me. Therefore I would have to say S.J. She has kids and seems to love them . . . shudder.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Petroleum jelly or water-based lube? I use a combination of soft candle wax and my own spit, in case you were wondering.

Blog Jesus answers:

Water-based lube. Petroleum jelly just gives more money to people who fund terrorists and I support our troops not being killed by guns purchased thanks to petrleum jelly profits.


Housekeeper asks:

Dear Blog Jesus-

Why is DeLay so happy in his booking photo?

Blog Jesus answers:

It was two minutes after the cavity search.


Starbender states:

Just surfed in and had a good laugh here. Thanks!:)

Blog Jesus answers:

I am not here for your amusement . . . I am here to make your world better. Find a clown if you want laughter. Find me if you have anal warts and want to know the proper way to burn them off.


Lab Guy asks:

Blog Geez,

Will I have cake this weekend? Will it be good? And will it be the cake of a lifetime?

In Him,

Lab Guy

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, your right hand will do well by you.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Continuing housekeeper's train of thought, is Delay smiling so that people won't recognize him?

And also is it possible to smile so broadly that it meets at the back of your head and it falls off, and is there any chance of this happening to Delay?

Blog Jesus answers:

That is the smile of a man that enjoyed having a fingerr in his ass more then he thought he would.

It is possible but we don't want that happeing to DeLay - it will release all the demons.


Marriedman asks:

does lab boy like pound cake or angel food cake?

Blog Jesus answers:

He's a wee man and can only handle Hostess cakes.


Marriedman states:

Oh, shoot. I didn't address you properly,

Please excuse my ignorance Dearest Blog Jesus.

Blog Jesus responds:

If I excused your ignorance then I couldn't answer your questions.


Duff asks:

dear boss~

are you posting later because you're waiting for me to ask a question each day?

...or are you just hoping that i'll read your answers in my underwear?

Blog Jesus answers:

I was waiting for the NC-17 response you alluded to.

I thought you already read my answers in your underwear. If not that will be rectified in the policy manual on Monday.


Oldroses asks:

Since when did you allow Duff to wear underwear?

Blog Jesus answers:

When I am in the tearing things off of people mood. And they're always crotchless.


Kenna asks:

Dear BJ:

Will you marry me?

I'll be waiting for you at the Graceland Chapel in Vegas on Friday, October 28 at 4:00 p.m.

Kenna

Blog Jesus answers:

I am booked that day getting married to three other women. If you can wait . . . let me see . . . five years I think I will have time for that.


TheJobey states:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Bitches be trippin.

Blog Jesus responds:

That's what happens when you spike the punch.

___________________________________________

I will be back on Monday . . . I promise.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, October 20, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 155

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Duff asks:

dear boss~

"against all odds"?

i have a comment for that, but it's rated nc-17.

how about a medley of phil's greatest hits?

Blog Jesus answers:

The medley will be sufficient . . . after you give us all that NC-17 comment.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

What is the longest period of time a pair of jeans may be used unwashed before things begin to grow on your body?

Blog Jesus answers:

34 days and one night so long as you don't shit yourself. If you shit yourself all bets are off.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I have an important question to ask you. Because you know the Big Man in Heaven, you can get the answer from him.

This ultra-conservative Bible Thumper said that hurricanes and other natural disasters were God's way of warning us to change our sinful ways. For example, Hurricane Katrina wiped out New Orleans 'cause that city is "wicked." Is his statement true? I'm thinking he's reading the Bible incorrectly.

Blog Jesus answers:

He's not reading the Bible at all. He's reading some notes I wrote down on a napkin while I was drunk and fornicating with a bunch of strippers on Bourbon Street. I said "Man, I am having such a great time I sure hope this wicked place of sin, booze, and sex doesn't get wiped away by a hurricane named after a stripper." He's changing up my words.


Married Man asks:

Dearist blog j-diddy-

Is it wrong for me to have hatred in my heart for lab girl? It's just that he showed me his nipple and when I told him there was nacho cheese on it, he slapped me silly and called me fistina aguilara.

Blog Jesus answers:

I guess that is a reason to hate him, a deranged and somewhat stupid reason . . . but a reason nonetheless.


Lab Guy asks:

Blog Geez,

How can I show compassion for the trully wicked, like Married Man, and still maintain my sanity?

In Him,

Lab Guy

Blog Jesus answers:

You can't. Just go fucking nuts - it's much more fun.


_________________________________________________

Ugly sandwiches are still sandwiches.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 154

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus, Mighty thrower of the galactic pigskin,

Will the Eagles suck again this weekend? And if so, would sacrificing a baby iguana help?

Blog Jesus answers:

The Eagles shall not suck. T.O. has been mouthy in the lockerroom and the only way to shut that nicely toned, big black bitch up is to win the game.


Kom asks:

Blog Jesus,

Long story short, no one has found him yet, but my arm is still bleeding. In your infinite wisdom, can you point me to a single freaking box of bandaids in this office?

Blog Jesus answers:

Phyllis has been hoarding them for when she tears off her rug burn scabs.


Marriedman asks:

Dear Blog God's son-

It's been a while, but I'm assuming you didn't miss me.

My question is this:Is the band Train the gayest band around, or is Nickelback?

Oh, and is lab boy really a guy, or should he change his name to lab gal?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually, Hoobastank is the gayest band of them all. But those other two band are in the circle jerk as well.

He's not much of a man, but he is a man nonetheless.


Lab Guy asks:

Blog Geez,

I hope I'm not too late. Does MarriedMan have the hots for every GUY he sees, or is it just me?

In Him,

Lab Boy/Guy

Blog Jesus answers:

You just do strange things to strange people.

__________________________________________

Uh . . . . something.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 153

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Holly asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Isn't colon scissors TWO words?

Respectfully yours,

Holly

Blog Jesus answers:

Two words is the new one word kiddo. Get hip to the scene.


Lab BOY asks:

Blog Geez,

Do you chew your oxycontin or just blend it into a smoothie? I need some right about now.

In Him,

Lab Guy

(Yes, I did a little growing up over the weekend.)

Blog Jesus answers:

I just swallow them whole and then drink a couple of martinis to make sure I don't remember hitting anyone while I drive home.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Where the fuck is Bob Uecker? I mean seriously, is he dead? I think he's dead.

Blog Jesus answers:

He's not dead . . . he's just calling baseball games for the Milwaukee Brewers . . . okay he is sort of dead.


Duff asks:

dear boss~

i can't do "stairway to heaven"-how about the far more cliched "girls, girls, girls", instead?

Blog Jesus answers:

Do you think this lap condones cliched lap dance songs. Lets compromise - how about Phil Collin's "Against All Odds"

_________________________________________________

Anyone that has gotten a lap dance to a Phil Collins' song deserves a cookie.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, October 17, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 152

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Johnny Menace asks:

Will snake eyes and i reconcile?

Blog Jesus answers:

He will try to reconcile, but that whole no talking thing will only create another misunderstanding and fuck things up.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I finished the marathon. Just barely... I had a near death experience. I saw Regular Jesus and you, Blog Jesus... You guys were playing frisbee. How odd. At any rate, am I ever going to be able to walk again?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

You have feeble chicken legs so I don't think you will be walking anytime soon. You're lucky though, Regular Jesus doesn't want people knowing he digs the bee and he's willing to save your legs for your silence. I called him a fucktard for even considering the deal.


R.U. Serious asks:

How have you been able to fight the urge to make a "running joke" joke all week?

Blog Jesus answers:

Oxycoton.


Duff asks:

dear boss~

i'm feeling a little winded after running that marathon.

what sort of exercises do you suggest to aid in improving my stamina?

Blog Jesus answers:

Lap dances to "Stairway to Heaven."


Jaynesays asks:

BJ - is it wrong to laugh because the anagram of "Jesus Christ" is "Crushes Jest" or would laughing just be ironic?

0:) Rev. Jayne

Blog Jesus answers:

It is perfectly okay to laugh at anything Jesus related as long there is not a Blog in front of that Jesus. If you do that, then you might as well accept that you won't be pretty for a little while.


Lil Irish Gal asks:

I am saddened that Notre Dame lost in the final 3 seconds on Saturday to USC. When is USC going to lose?

Blog Jesus answers:

If you had bet on the Golden Domers to beat the spread like I did you would be giving a shit about the loss because you would be rich. USC will lose when I am done making money off of them - so like next year probably.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Will I own a 12 person jacuzzi when I grow old, like Jerry Jones? Or will I just look like him?

And also, why is your word verification shit getting longer and longer Lord? Are you getting more and more suspicious of mankind?

Blog Jesus answers:

You will never own such a jacuzzi, but you will end up looking like him after he has spent too much time in a jacuzzi.

It is impossible for me to be more suspicious of mankind. Seriously you people are fucked. Blogger is just full of assholes that want to keep me down. Thankfully my readers are too stupid not to write in incoherent drivel just to ask me a question.


_______________________________________________

The word of the day is colon scissors.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, October 14, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 151

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

This is my last question that you can answer before the marathon... So I have to make it good. This might be my last one.

Q: Is this my last question for you? Or will I finish the marathon and be a hero of the masses?

In Him,

Lab Boy

ps: I hope MPH feels better.

Blog Jesus answers:

You will live to ask again, but you won't finish and you won't be a hero - a problem the ladies tell me is common with you.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I've got another question for you, as if it wasn't obvious enough.

Do you like The Straight Dope by Cecil Adams? Some people claim he is the true font of knowledge.

Blog Jesus answers:

Like it? I love it . . . since I ghost wrote it for him while drunk on Sudafed on night.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Does our president pray to you now, because Regular Jesus ain't helping him out so much any more.

Blog Jesus answers:

He only knocks at my door when he needs to find three conservatives to that the golden shower will be proper.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus,

Lord of all that shivers uncontrollably,

Can you tell me if the cookie I am holding in my hands is fit for human consumption? It came free with a chair from Staples.

Blog Jesus answers:

Chair cookies are the most delicious cookies known to man. Eat it with gusto.


Danikabur asks:

But... I am not wearing a skirt.

Blog Jesus answers:

The one on the floor, next to the freshly cleaned anal beads.


__________________________________________________

It's here enough.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, October 13, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 150

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:


Grouch Grouch asks:

Dear BJ,

Is it wrong to laugh at the dumb ass filling up his Hummer at the Gas station?

I need absolution>>

I tried not to point as I was laughing I swear!

Blog Jesus answers:

You should never laugh at a pimp trying to feed a ho. It's just uncalled for.


Danikabur asks:

Dear my favorite BJ

Is karma real?

Also I seem to have lost you again. I got a little busy and now I can't find you anywhere. Please show yourself.

Blog Jesus answers:

No, otherwise I would be a fucking billionaire for giving out all this wonderful advice.

Check up your skirt.

____________________________________________

Two is the loneliest number.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 149

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Hell. Why not make it five Asians running behind me with cattle prods? I'll run fast enough all 26.2 miles... I'll be thinking of a certain blonde girl running around your office in a thong.

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Thoughts off my employee boy! For that you get a badger to the balls every other mile that you run.


Chronic the Hedgehog asks:

dear jesus,

why do so many women stalk me?

Blog Jesus answers:

They like meat and you have that bad habit of keep a half pound of roast beef in your back pocket.


Cecil B. asks:

Hey-zeus,

Why did you allow Koreans to invent banana flavored cheesy poofs with no cheese?

Blog Jesus answers:

The Koreans are a short people and I wasn't looking down when they got it in their mind to do this. However, I think they are delicious and they'll be getting another nuke as a result.


Pops asks:

Beej,

What does it say about me that every time someone says "bent penis" I am convinced for a second (for just one second) that it says "brent penis"? Is there something wrong with me, and if so, what?

As a side note, I would like point out that I do NOT, upon falsely reading "brent penis", I do NOT immediately turn off the computer and masturbate. I do NOT. Just to be clear.

Blog Jesus answers:

You're obviously longing for the erratic posting Brent to come back into your life on a regular basis. Go to his blog and express your feelings - he'll accept you, he's from Kansas.


Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Does snow hurt?

Blog Jesus answers:

When thrown by ninjas.


Jess asks:

BJ:

Will I still get into Heaven if I give into the porn slut side of me? I'm confused...

Blog Jesus answers:

Give in to the porn slut. You're going to hell just for being here - you might as well get every hole banged at once while you got the time.

___________________________________________

Apples. Just apples.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 148

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Thank you for making everything right in your amazing fashion. I've got a quick question for you, as you are truly the master in answering them.

Is beer really God's way of letting him know he loves us or was Ben Franklin joking. He did mention something about Madiera once.

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually LSD is God's way of showing the love. God just likes drunk chicks.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Thanks for the cattle-prodding Asian dude... Couldn't it have been a good-looking Blonde/Red head running in short shorts ahead of me?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Make that two cattle prod toting Asians behind you for making that suggestion.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus,
can i have the weekend off? i need to do a little jogging in short shorts.

perhaps i should practice around the office......

~your somewhat athletic secretary

Blog Jesus answers:

You can practice running around the office in a thong. That way running in short shorts will be somewhat of a challenge.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

how long is it necessary to be nice to someone that you don't like?

Blog Jesus answers:

Long enough to get into their house and clog their toilet with a massive shit.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

Before I die...Could you give me a warning? What should I be looking for?

Blog Jesus answers:

So long as I am not in the middle of watching Duff run you'll get your warning. Look for a Persian midget riding a cat.


Lulu asks:

If Lab Boy gets an athletic Asain, can I have the leftover Hot Blonde behind me at the end of the month?

Blog Jesus answers:

As long as I get video of the "victory" party.


Danikabur asks:

Why do people seem to like the ones they can't or shouldn't have?

Blog Jesus answers:

Because cutting leaves scars.


Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Did you miss me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Would I have sold all your belongings if I missed you?

___________________________________________

I wrote this hours after surgery. I have blog issues.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, October 10, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 147

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

I've always wanted to know this: in a lesbian couple, how do they determine which one gets to ask if the pants they are wearing makes them look fat? I suspect it has something to do with menstrual cycles.

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually it is determined by who can take the larger dildo. I have seen this process in person and you would think it would be hot as well, but it is actually very fecally and uteran wall collapsy.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I'm running this marathon this Saturday, and I need some extra "umph" to go the distance... Do you have anything cooked up in your "lab" that might help me?

In Him,

As Always,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

I have hired an athletic, but scary Asian man to run behind you with a cattle prod.


Jess asks:

BJ:

When will I become rich and famous? Or maybe just one of the above. I'm not picky.

Blog Jesus answers:

When you give into the porn slut inside of you.


G.D. asks:

BJ,

Do many men have bent penisis (is that the plural or is it peni??)?

I'd like to avoid bent peni...How could I ask a guy nicely about the shape of his penis?

Blog Jesus answers:

Bent penis is common in about one out of every three thousand dudes. Bent penis syndrome is common in people that were nerds in high school. It comes from masturbating while crammed in a very small locker.

_____________________________________________

Stone free Tuesday.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, October 07, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 146

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Professor Leotus Clouse & The Duke of Sweet Cheeks asks:

Jesus,

Is it where I think it is? Or is it where I thought it was?

Maybe I haven’t really thought about it at all.

Is it even worth thinking about at all anymore?

Oh yeah, you can get that damn song out of your head by downloading my boloney 5 playlist on my blog.

Love, Peace, and Felafel Grease

Blog Jesus answers:

It is were you thought it was and now where you think it is.

No it isn't.

Possibly, but the Russian whore is doing a good job about making me forget as well.


Grouch Grouch asks:

Dear bjesus

With halloween coming up would it be ok to inpersonate Molly Ringwald? More specifically, Molly Ringwald in Breakfast Club.

Or would Emilio Estaves be a better choice?

Blog Jesus answers:

The correct choice would be the kid that Emilio Estevez sexuallu assaulted in the lockerroom that got him in detention in the first place.


Katehopeeden asks:

Hey there,

What the fuck is a Three-Pointed star?

~K

Blog Jesus answers:

A retarded person's presnt to the world. Whenever one dies a retarded star lights up in the sky causing people to believe that aliens live among us.


Marla Singer asks:

Dear BJ,

I'm going to a festival this weekend. I might dress like a slut. If I take pictures and other people are in the pictures, would it be wrong to sell them?

Blog Jesus answers:

It would be wrong not to sell them. In fact you should just give them all to me so that I get more blackmail material on those fucks.


Mossy Stone asks:

Your High-and-Mightiness:

I will take your Boston song, but I'll need a moment to get the right bit for the drill press.

Maybe you can tell me why I work with idiots? Did God create Project Managers as a plague or as a separate species?

Peace (of Mind)-Mossy

Blog Jesus answers:

God created Project Managers because worldwide rape is just too messy.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

When will they come up with glasses that don't scrape the skin off your nose? Thank you, Lord, in advance.

Blog Jesus answers:

No need there are these things called contact which will take care of your nose skin situation in a jiff.


HFB asks:

If Andie MacDowell makes so much freakin' money hawking makeup, why can't she afford a different facial expression?

Blog Jesus answers:

Because the type of genital warts she has cost a lot of money to suppress.


Duff asks:

hey boss~

when would be a good time to discuss my "fringe benefits"?

Blog Jesus answers:

Inbetween our multiple dictation sesssions will work.



__________________________________________

Sunday is Dingleberry Saturday according to Jewish scrolls.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, October 06, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 145

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Rich Bachelor asks:

I'm terribly sorry, but can you 'splain me this?

Why did you kill my dog?

Blog Jesus answers:

He kept shitting out the heroin before we made it across the border. He was a liability.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

How come there was no sandwich invented that was a piece of bread between two slices of meat? Also, why did a feeling of being extremely gay pervade my soul the moment I typed this sentence?

Blog Jesus answers:

Because no one likes to eat after a retard.

I think that is pretty self explanatory.


Danikabur asks:

Whoa. That answer was right out of a conversation I had with some people. How did you know?

Blog Jesus answers:

I was sitting right beside you will you were doing it. Rember the cheers?


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

If it's not a sin so long as those watching get some pleasure out of watching, then nothing is a sin, right? I mean, everyone has some dysfunctional turn-on that basically encompasses something being done... Where was I going with this? And why do my hands look huge?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Let me set the record straight. The only real sin in this world is watching "Alf" while eating bread. Otherwise everything is fair game.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

why, oh why, did britney actually allow photo evidence of herself having sex with kevin federline.

furthermore, does she think such a tape will actually sell? i mean, he's no tommy lee.

Blog Jesus answers:

She's a ho.

Yes, because she's a ho.

_____________________________________________

I have a Boston song stuck in my head. Someone please drill it out.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 144

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

Holy crap, Colonel Potter's gonna shit. Me and Radar were tag-teaming Nurse Travers in the Swamp when the still blew up. She had her back up against the thing as we were attempting a Three-Pointed Star (very high degree of difficulty) when it went off. Now there's Travers all over the place, Radar is blind and I think the post-traumatic stress has caused me temporary erectile dysfunction. You gotta help us before the Old Man finds out, man. What do we do?

Blog Jesus answers:

Stop masturbating to and having self mutilation fantasies about MASH.


Grouch Grouch asks:

Dear bjesus,

Would it be unkind to blow up my co-worker's radio that plays smooth jazz for the over thirties all day?

Blog Jesus answers:

The only problem with that is that I have already seen the sequel - the new radio full of lite rock. You need to get headphones and use them to choke your co-worker to death.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I've committed many sins, well, some are the same sins done over and over... Will I ever stop sinning?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

So long as you have two hands and access to some vasaline - no.


Lulu asks:

BJ- I have sinned and posted a comment on the wrong post. Forgive me, here it is:

Is a rabbit in a jean jacket as good as the hamster?

Isn't it true that if I don't have sex before marriage my girl parts will shrivel into a dried pumpkin seed?

Blog Jesus answers:

No, but it is better than a badger in a Member's Only jacket.

Partially - you also need to videotape the encounters and send them to me.


Danikabur asks:

Why does getting to see hockey again FINALLY turn me on so darn much?

Blog Jesus answers:

It harkens back to that time you decided to use that dildo you left in the freezer overnight.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

is it really considered a sin if all parties involved enjoyed it?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. It is also not a sin if only one party enjoyed it. In fact, even if neither party enjoyed it all, but those watching at least got some pleasure it's all good.


____________________________________________

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 143

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Will I get more cake or less cake for running the Baltimore Marathon next week?

In Him,

Lab Boy

ps: Glad to be the first to post a Q tonight!!!

Blog Jesus answers:

What's going to happen is that some corner boy is going to shank you and make you his bitch. So if you look at it one way you'll be getting a lot of very bad cake.


Le Raine asks:

BJ,

Should I wait until after marriage to lose my virginity?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would get a whole lot of laid now because I have it on good authority that you first husband will be extremely limp dicked.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Should I wait until after virginity to lose my marriage?

Blog Jesus answers:

What you need to do is give me those wonderful drugs you're on.


Blackops states:

you got some pretty cool links here on your blog jesus.

Blog Jesus responds:

I guess, but the fucker are always late with the rent.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

I am creating an effigy of your wondrous visage using nothing but maxed out credit cards. Would that be a wrong thing to do?

Blog Jesus answers:

So long as a baby or two gets burned in the process - no.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

By any chance, how does one become a font of knowlege and an advice giver of your scale? It is truly magnificent. Are the any courses you have to take? Any special requirements?

Blog Jesus answers:

Kid, all I did was start a blog and act like an asshole and people went apeshit over it.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

it's been a long day- mind if i take a nap at your desk?

Blog Jesus answers:

So long as I can write poetry on your ass.

________________________________________________

Scrooge McDuck has never visited.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, October 03, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 142

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Is there a fixed time that you reply to our questions, or is it a play by ear kinda thing? And if so, could you like telepathically send everyone a signal to let us know its the last call for questions before the comments are closed?

Blog Jesus answers:

I just go with the flow. Time and space don't mean shit to me and I am too busy watching reruns of "Charlie's Angels" to do any telepathic mumbo jumbo. You'll just have to be an attentive motherfucker.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,It's not pixie dust... It's just straight heroin tar in the salsa. That's all.At any rate, will I be branded a(n) (even bigger) nerd if I go see "Serenity" this weekend?

In His Name,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

If going to "Serenity" is nerdy then I'm Miles Davis. Okay that made no sense. I went and saw "Serenity" this weekend and I don't think of myself as a nerd. But you going to "Serenity" this weekend definitely blows you up a few notches on the dork scale.


The Baxter states:

funny shit gzus....spaceship, bigfoot, and you. heros of 1987!

Blog Jesus responds:

We are actually heroes of 1983.


Housekeeper asks:

My husband's birthday is coming up, what should I get him?

Blog Jesus answers:

A hamster with corduroy pants.


Duff asks:

is it so wrong to have wanted to drive out of the parking lot at work for the last time with my naked ass pressed against the window?

was i wrong to restrain myself?

Blog Jesus answers:

No it was not wrong.

It was wrong to restrain yourself. You should've taken a shit at the front when you left.


G.D. asks:

If I'm not in the band then who took my place? I play the tamborine like no other, you crucified bastard.

Blog Jesus answers:

No one took your place. We don't need a tamborine so long as I can play the flute.


Johnny Menace asks:

Dear Biggie J,

I had a talk with your creator... it lead to 5 minutes anything goes in the barn.. what now?

Blog Jesus answers:

Rest because the horny donkeys are next.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Sorry to get political or even philosophical, but what's your opinion on intelligent design?

Blog Jesus answers:

I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

_______________________________________________

Avoid eaten cheese.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus