Friday, September 30, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 141

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Duff states:

dear boss~

sorry about not wearing the candy striper outfit earlier this week. i took one look at the dust bunnies on the floor and decided my white stripes would probably wind up gray.....so i hope you don't mind that i substituted the french maid getup while cleaning.

Blog Jesus responds:

It was sufficiently tight and short enough to do the job. Way to think outside of the box.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Why do I have to wear this goddamn candy striper outfit? It's itchy as hell and totally snug in the crotch. Plus it's fucking filthy.

Blog Jesus answers:

What you and your wife do in the comforts of your own home needn't be discussed in the confines of this blog. Unless your wife is really hot and you're willing to wear a bag over your head while you film your fun.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Could I convince you to ask Duff to wear a playboy bunny outfit instead? And how does this all constitute sexual harassment? Harrassment? How the hell do you spell harassment?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

That outfit got torn a few weeks back. The details are not important at this time.

There is only one "r" in asking your secretary to bend over and let the dog roam around.


HFB asks:

I missed the fucking first episode of Alias because the stupid fucking local station had it listed as starting an hour later. I watched the videotape Stellaluna instead.

I have no fucking question, just wanted to swear a lot and make you feel all superior because you know what the fuck happened and I don't.

Oh, wait, I do have a question: Where'd you find a candy striper outfit in Pops' size?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have nothing to do with Pops dressing up like a candy ass.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Thank you for responding quickly to my questions. Hopefully, the money should be coming soon.

On a different note, what makes food from Chipotle so good?

Blog Jesus answers:

They spray pixie dust on their Mexican grub.

____________________________________________________

Come heavy or don't come at all.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, September 29, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 140

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:


KateHopeeden asks:

Hey there,

What do you think about the little boy scouts selling popcorn for ten bucks a box? I mean, girl scout cookies I get, they are good and only slightly over-priced. But ten bucks for fucking popcorn? Who are they kidding?

~K

Blog Jesus answers:

I think those scouts are just trying to get their sodomite scout master out of jail so that they can really enjoy camping again. In order to do that there might be some inflation in the prices of the products they whore out.


Cher states:

you are better than me. WAY better. I have no problem admitting this.

Blog Jesus responds:

Well I have a problem with it. I am WAY, WAY better than you. Get it right.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How much money would be considered a "large sum" in your estimate? As a law school student, I have been taught to deconstruct simple sentences and question the meaning of every single word.

A rough estimate would be helpful as I hope to use the Force very soon.

Blog Jesus answers:

At the very least we're talking fifty large, but for you I am willin got go with seventy-five large.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Living life and loving it. Thanks for that advice. Now, as usual, I have a question... And inquiry, if you will. What does it take to be like you?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Low self esteem, a willingness to kill, and "Keen Eddie" on DVD.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Why does George Clooney make me feel warm all over? I dont think I'm gay cause Brad Pitt doesnt do anything to me.

Blog Jesus answers:

The reason that Mr. Clooney makes you feel warm all over is because he pays you to let him piss on you.

________________________________________

Turds.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 139

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

You truly are the greatest in making things right.

Since you are one hell of a Jedi and can levitate stuff like a true master, would it be rash of me to ask for your secrets?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes it would. Now if you pay me a large sum before asking me then that rash will clear up.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I have spontaneously developed a condition called Steelspikethroughthetesticlesorrhea. It is very painful and TOTALLY unrelated to that time I tried to fuck a chainsaw. Have I earned a week off to watch TV and eat Cheetos or does it HAVE to be kidney stones?

Blog Jesus answers:

Dude, you're already jobless so you get to watch TV and eat Cheetos regardless. For your condition you actually have to work.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I get it. It's the hat. At any rate, somebody told me that she had a boyfriend who looks like the girlfriend that I had in February of last year... Is it true?

Deliver Us From Eva,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

You listen to too much bad music. Go outside and at least try to live life - now.


Marla Singer asks:

BJ-

Probably not. My supplier says you slated him for hell. But...I hear Gabrielle has a nice stash of angel dust.

Anyway, if you could pick a single ninja weapon in which to specialize, what would it be? (Mine is the cigar cutter).

The tape you requested is in the mail. There's stuff in it that would make Mary M. blush.

Blog Jesus answers:

Well I am already a master at all weapons, but if I had to pick just one it would have to be the exploding possum.


Sugarfree9 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why is something that's like done or spoken against you or your teachings is "sac"religious? Is that kinda like a sack lunch?

Blog Jesus answers:

I just wanted a bunch of relgious people saying "sack" alot.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

What do you think of my suggestion that words like "bling-bling" should be time-limited and should spontaneously explode once they reach the end of their tenure, never to again irritate the crap out of me?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think the idea is the shiznit dawg.


______________________________________________________

Dawg - what a lovely word.


As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 138

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

there was a letter to the editor in the newspaper today fom someone claiming that the hurricanes were a sign from god that he was displeased with society's turn away from religion, taking "god" out of the pledge, allowing abortions, and giving gay people rights. it was suggested that we all "take a u-turn" back toward christianity.

can you smite this nut? he has bad breath, to boot.

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually the hurricanes were created because society decided to virtually forget "Sheriff Lobo," which is an unpardonable sin. I'll smite him for getting the answer wrong, being a nut, and having b.o. of the mouth.


HFB asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What should be done about idiot spambots that cannot spell 'racing' correctly?

Sorry about the stones.

Blog Jesus answers:

They should be decommissioned and forgotten about until one day when we least expect it they rise again and we suffer through more bad grammar.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Why no nomination of a substitute-almighty-wisdom-source while you were gone? Fuck, even Letterman had guest hosts when he had his heart replaced that time. Is because you're trying to save us from apostasy or are you just scared a replacement would show you up?

I nominate HFB, by the way.

Blog Jesus answers:

I had planned on taking a non-issue related vacation at one point and did plan on having a "guest host" if you will. My current situation, unfortunately, prevented me from setting the Ask Protocols into motion. In fact I will likely need a guest host for one day a couple weeks from now. Details on how you can be Blog Jesus for a day soon.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Did you miss me? I bet you did. My real question is, are MPH's (NOT the degree I'm working on but the author of some famous blogs) kidney stones Calcium Carbonate, Calcium Oxalate, or Calcium Phosphate? And does it really matter?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

MPH has no fucking clue what kind they are and he doesn't care. All he knows is that at some point he will be pissing rocks.


The Snakehead asks:

Dear Bloggesus,

Where is hope?

Blog Jesus answers:

Under the table giving me a blow job. She's very thorough so don't expect any hope for awhile.


Marla Singer states:

While close you were with suspicions of too dumb to stop from asking, it was more of a "testing the lord like he likes it" thing. Ask anyway and ye shall receive.

My world is at ease for the now. Thank you.

Blog Jesus responds:

Can I please have the drugs that you are on.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Halliburton called. They want to be paid for the soul-saving they did for you while you were away. What should I tell them?

Blog Jesus answers:

Tell them all the currency I have on me right now is ass rapings by a donkey. If they are into that then by all means have them call Duff and set up an appointment.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

was it okay that i let gawker answer the phone while i took my lunch break?

if not, how can i make it up to you?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am in a good mood today so I will say that it was okay. However you now have to wear the candy striper outfit to work tomorrow and do a lot of jumping jacks.


Johnny Menace asks:

Where in the hell does Danny Tanner keep porn?

Blog Jesus answers:

Right by his exotic dildo collection.


Johnny Menace asks again:

and Full house folo up .... what goes on with Joey and Michelle in the basement?

Blog Jesus answers again:

Your typical abuse - rubber hoses to the face, cigarettes to the eyes, and sit ups.


G.D. asks:

Was it by coincidence that you did not answer my last question?

Oh my...Am I out of the band?

I'm glad you didn't burn your computer in hell...really, I am!

Blog Jesus answers:

It was just a coincidence. I didn't read your comment closely enough and thought it was a statement.

You haven't been in the band for months.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What the fuck is apostasy?

Blog Jesus answers:

A formal renunciation of one's religion and a word Pops' is using to make you look stupid.


________________________________________________

Do I dare go for three in a row . . . I do dare.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, September 26, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 137

Although my computer problems and my health problem persists, I cannot leave you hanging for another day. So lets get this party started before the guy at Kinko's figures out what I am doing and asks me to leave. Please note that I won't be commenting on the general comments, just answering the questions of those dumb enough not to read that I didn't want questions asked. Roll the opening . . . .

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Marla Singer asks:

Dear BJ,

Which is the greatest sin:

lemurs, congress, or mathematica?

Blog Jesus anwers:

Lemurs are the greatest sin. An even greater sin in congressmen who love hardcore mathmatica though.


Professor and Duke asks:

Jesus! Last time you pulled some shit like this, we had to wait until Easter. What the fuck!?

Blog Jesus answers:

Oh my shit isn't as serious as the shit the last time, but there is a chance that I may be beaten and have to carry around things in order to feel swee relief again.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

As the pontiff of answering questions and making all things right, I have a question to ask. What do you think of The Force as a religion? Would you make for a good Jedi?

Blog Jesus answers:

The Force is the only religion that truly makes sense. Mostly because it involves being able to levitate things. If Christianity allowed me to levitate things I would be back on that track again.

I am a hell of a Jedi.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How is MPH's sexual re-assignment coming along?

Blog Jesus answers:

Great. He went from being just a man to being a super man.


Johnny Menace asks:

Aiyo Biggie J,

Who will win in the TV dad fight? Al Bundy or Danny Tanner?

Blog Jesus answers:

Tanner. He will distract Bundy with porn then lay a donkey punch on him that will make Christina Applegate's uterus hurt.


Housekeeper asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I was talking with a friend and we thought a good pick up line for you would be "Do you wanna be filled with the Holy Spirit?", do you have any good pick up lines for us?

Blog Jesus answers:

Drink this and come back by when you feel dizzy.

________________________________________________________

Unless death comes tomorrow, I will be back.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, September 19, 2005

And Now . . . For Something Completely Different

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus.

Before getting into the thick of things, let me be the first to tell you that I will be taking the rest of the week off due to the perfect storm of computer problems and a minor health issue. Don't worry disciples, the computer will be okay and I might just make it out of this one too.

As for today's questions, which primarily had to do with destroying or saving portions of the South, here is my general answer:

If I went and offed the entire South where in the hell could I get my moonshine and properly built orange Charger with a rebel flag painted on top of it? You can't get that shit in Detroit. The homies just want to trick the bitch out and their too busy making crack to even know anything about moonshine. So the South shall live. Sure I will keep fucking it royally from time to time, but as long as they keep producing my vices I will keep it on life support.

I ask for the time being that rather than asking any further questions you tell me how you'll make the world right again and also keep sending me tapes of all the wonderful sexual encounters you have while I am away.

______________________________________________

Ta ta for now.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, September 16, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 135

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Sandi asks:

When Bush asked Condi for permission to use the bathroom, was that like a slave to master thing?

Blog Jesus answers:

No, he was just trying to gain favor with blacks in NOLA by literally having a black woman lead him around by the dick for a minute.


J. U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I praise your name in giving me a most enlightening answer to my question. I have another question to ask of you.

What is the sexiest occupation that one can have in life?

Blog Jesus answers:

Door to door meat salesperson.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Is there any way I can attain war veteran status without fighting in a war? Cos there are just so many perks involved. Also, while you are at it, could you also make me handicapped parking spot-eligible without chopping off my limbs?

Blog Jesus answers:

If you want the status you have to do the stuff. So to become a veteran at the very least you have to let me shoot you - we can call it a holy war. If a handicap placard you have to lose at least one leg and one ball. Those are the rules.


KateHopeeden asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is she really that stupid? After everything I told her, she is dumb enough to stick around? Or is he really that good?

~K

Blog Jesus answers:

She's really that stupid and he's really that good so you're sort of screwed.


HFB asks:

How should I fold the napkin: Swan, flower, or hunchbacked Gypsy woman on steroids?

Also, is your lack of comments/visits mean that you are

A) Tall AND mean;
B) A cyborg determined to destroy the human race;
or
C) Recently separated from your fingers, and have to type using your nose, and just don't have the energy to comment on more than a select few blogs?

Blog Jesus answers:

Go with the hunchbacked gypsy.

I have to circle (A) and add (D) Too busy doing important shit to keep up on my blog reading.


Housekeeper asks:

Dear BJ,

I noticed I'm on the wait list for the last supper, how do I get a definite invite? Does it involve an animal sacrifice? ‘Cause I have two alpacas and a dingo at home that are getting on my nerves.

Blog Jesus answers:

All you need to do is link me. But sacrificing the animals would be cool too.



___________________________________________________________

And on Monday I rested . . . maybe.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, September 15, 2005

And Now Your Answers: Day 134

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Why is the most sensitive part of my body also the most easy to kick?

Blog Jesus answers:

I needed to placate women who were tired of reaching into men's asses to take them down.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I bow down to your awesome powers in answering questions and humbly beseech you to answer this most important question.

Does it really cost $89,900 to design a university mascot? I think I could do the same job with Photoshop for much less.

Blog Jesus answers:

It actually only costs $3,000 to design a mascot. The rest of the money goes to Korean mail order brides for the football team.


Mossy Stone asks:

Your Blogness:

Now that I know about my neighbours, will I ever eat chicken again?

Blog Jesus answers:

If I can go to a donkey show and still eat donkey then you certainly can still eat chicken despite your new found knowledge.


Footprints asks:

BJ:

What do I do with this old mayonais??

Between the toes,

Footprint

Blog Jesus answers:

There is a huge market for old mayo with people that love to stick their cocks in the jar. Go to your local black market and make a sale.


Danikabur asks:

When will the effects wear off? I really don't like not being able to think.. but really I'd like to not give up the beads either.....

Blog Jesus answers:

You need to go beadless for about three days and take three golden showers. After that you are good to go again.


___________________________________________________________

Words, words, words, words, words.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 133

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog J,

What does it mean when a buxom young blonde gives me a cherry Blow Pop as a birthday present?

Blog Jesus answers:

That you have a retarded buxom blonde on your hands who thinks its neat to buy birthday gifts from a 7/11 counter.


Mossy Stone asks:

Your Worshipfulness:

Maybe you can explain what my neighbour (hereafter known as "fuckwit") does for a living? He and his wife (shrew) seem to be able to afford lots of new furniture. They are also keeping chickens and a teenaged niece in the house.

Blog Jesus answers:

They are day traders that use the the teenaged niece to play hide the cock - which also explains why they have the chickens.


Nain asks:

Dear blog jesus,

have you ever thought about asking us questions and having us answer them?

Blog Jesus answers:

That would be like giving a monkey a gun.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I have a pocket knife, two liters of vodka, some yarn, a knitting needle, and instructions on how to remove my own appendix... Should I go for it? Or do I play it conservatively and have a real doctor do it for me (with the above mentioned items)?

In Him,

(The Full Blown Retarded, Yet Magnificently Well-Versed For Someone Accused of Being Retarded) Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Do it yourself, but exchange the vodka for grape juice.


Lori asks:

Hey Blog Jesus

Since your so into making the world right...What's the lottery numbers for the big game...lol

Blog Jesus answers:

I said I was making the world right, not rich. There's a big deserve and it basically revolves me keeping my expensive as hell boot to the neck of the poor.


Housekeeper asks:

Dear BJ:

Will I ever realize my dream of opening a brothel that specializes in male prostitutes?

Blog Jesus answers:

Not until you can get that donkey smell out of the furniture.


R.U. Serious asks:

Blog to the J

Do you think it's even funnier now that labrat intentionally waits until other people post so he doesn't seem like he has quite as big a crush on you?

Blog Jesus answers:

I don't try to understand Lab Boy's actions, I just sit back and enjoy the ride.


Grend31 asks:

Dear Mr. Christ,

I am in a bit of a pickle and I think you may be able to help. I understand you've a gift for transubstantiation. Well, I can't stand work anymore and I need to retire.. NOW. If I give you a ream of printer paper could you turn it into $100 bills please?

Yours looking for a financial miracle,

Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

The Secret Service is already watching me like a hawk so I can't help you. What I would suggest is robbing a bank or marrying a sugar daddy and killing him while robbing a bank.


G.D. asks:

BJ,

You were joking when you said "Frist", right?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nope. I was talking about Duane Frist from Eugene, Oregon, the loveable hobo that will capture America's hearts during the 2008 campaign and become the leader of the free world.


Danikabur asks:

Why can't I think of something good to ask?

Blog Jesus answers:

You're just going through the first sign of anal bead fatigue.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How much longer before Lab Boy goes insane, a week is it?

Blog Jesus answers:

Try five minutes ago.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

If Indiana is heaven, where is hell? And why would I even want to go to heaven?

Blog Jesus answers:

Hell was in Louisana but it was forced to relocate and is currently residing on the floor of Anna Crawford in Lexington, Kentucky.

Heaven is no fun to begin with. I don't even drop in any more.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

No. Seriously. Why the hating?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

You're not black enough to understand.


Fuck off states:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I have never ever seen anything funny come from you, however, I will admit, that response you had to my comment did make me laugh, I will give you credit for that. As for my question, don't you think Laby Boy sucks, and like always, also, you are gay.

Blog Jesus responds:

Now fuck off, he's black enough to get it.

_____________________________________________________________

I'm in the hatch.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 132

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Katehopeeden asks:

Hey there,

I'm new here...And since you mentioned that even thinking about asking anything here already damned me, I figured what the hell?

Of course, I can't think of anything pertaining to me... So, how are you?

~K

Blog Jesus answers:

I am not angry enough to kills a human right now, but if a unicorn comes by that bitch is fucked.


The Jobey asks:

Dear Blog J-man,

Did you authorize that horrible Christian rock my neighbors are always playing?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. Scott Stapp leads a fringe group that tries to spread "the word" through shit dick music. I will give $5.00 to the person that can produce his head to me for my trophy case.


HFB asks:

What are artistic eggs, do they have anything to do with jazz hands, and how, exactly, is Tom Cruise mixed up in all of this?

Blog Jesus answers:

Artistic eggs were meant to be contraptions that kept retards amused so that people could go about their daily lives without feeling the need to through food at them. These things have nothing to do with jazz hands. Tom Cruise did once shove one up his ass to feel again, but that is a whole other thing.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Sorry I've been absent.

Three swarthy youths attacked me in an alley, stole my wallet and set fire to my back hair. I've been recuperating.

Also: couldn't think of any questions.But see, now I've built it up too much and anything I ask is certain to be disappointing. Plus I kind of forgot what it was I was going to ask in the first place.

I guess I'll just ask: why just a mayo jar? Theoretically if a person could get their cock through the opening of any jar--say horseradish or pickles or grandma's plum preserves--wouldn't it be just about the same effect?

Blog Jesus answers:

I just go by what nine out of ten denists say and that is all.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Why is ABC doing a "dance off" to "Dancing With The Stars"? Haven't we been through enough, what with the hurricane and all?

In Him,(The Mildly Retarded)

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Have you seen the chick that won the event's breasts. America needs those right now.


Colonialave asks:

So um Blog Jesus . . .

I was just flicked off by some guy in a Van that said "Go with God. Love Jesus."

You did that on purpose didn't you?

Bless us all that have thoughts of slowly killing off all fat J-Witnesses,

Colonialave.

Blog Jesus answers:

Well, I was sort of involved. I entered his thoughts and told him that his daughter had cancer and he was flipping me off as a result. You just happened to be standing nearby. I'll make sure the next one is directed at you though.


Sugarfree9 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I was flipping through the channels just now and came across "Oh God" the movie. Why is your dad so hung up with John Denver? Is it the hair? And why has everyone from that movie died?

Blog Jesus answers:

Have you heard "Leaving on a Jet Plane"?

No, not everyone has died. George Burns is alive and well and living his dream of running a whore house in Alaska.

Fuck off states:

Dear Blog Jesus,Like always, I am going to have to disagree with you. Lab Boy is not mildly retarded, in fact, he is 100% full blown retarded. Also, you are gay.

Blog Jesus answers:

Newbies this is fuck off - he doesn't like me that much and comes by now and then to remind me I am gay. He's an asset to the corporation and treat him with respect.


Trish asks:

Where is Elvis???

Blog Jesus answers:

Buried in Graceland. I hate to break it to you, but the fat fuck died on the toilet.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Big J,

Last night I had this dream. I was talking and canoodling with a beautiful woman. And then Vin Diesel beat me up.

What does this mean?

Blog Jesus answers:

You really want big, bald women whose head resembles a penis.


Sandi asks:

When are you going to start smiting the government officials?

Should I stop waiting on you and just do it myself?

Blog Jesus answers:

The only way this blog will survive is if people remain cynical. Therefore, political ineptness must thrive so I won't be smiting any politicos any time soon.

You can go ahead though. I can stand to lose another reader to prison.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

I was behind a car with the bumper sticker that instructed me to "Do not drive faster than angels can fly". How fast do angels fly, and what does my driving have to do with angels flying?

Blog Jesus answers:

Angels can clear mach 4 with ease.

Absolutely nothing. That there Christian bumper sticker maker got himself some good meth.


Grend31 asks:

Your Most Holy Bloggerness,

What's really in holy water that makes it so special?

Yours waiting to be wetted,

Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

Kitten blood, which, if you didn't know, is clear like water.


Swayer asks:

What will it take to make my annoying neighbor shut up?

STP

Blog Jesus answers:

A cane, three crayons, and seven midgets.


Jess asks:

Why are agents such bitches?

Blog Jesus answers:

They answer to bitches and do all in their power to get bitches what they want. They don't know any other way to be.


G.D. asks:

Now that Bush took the fall for HuKa, what else is there?

Should I even go on??

Blog Jesus answers:

Two words: President Frist.

End it now before those two words take over.

___________________________________________________________

I am responsible for writing something here.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, September 12, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 131

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:


Danikabur asks:

You can definitely have some of the firemen videos. We keep taking more and more... you know so its perfect.

So if you're behind me why don't I see you when I look in the mirror? Where do you go then?

Blog Jesus answers:

You know that cramming feeling you get in your ass when you look in a mirror . . . that's me.


Swayer asks:

Dearest Blog Jesus,

1) Is there cake in the promise land?

2) Why doesn't Lab Boy realize that my offering of Star Wars stickers is just a conversation starter? I know he loves Star Wars, but he doesn't seem to understand that I also love him (not as much as cake though). And more importantly, why does he keep calling me Sunshine?

Sincerly,

Swayer The Player

Blog Jesus answers:

1) There is a puke load of cake.

2) The answer to both of your questions is that he is mildly retarded.


Colonialave asks:

Dear B.Jeezus,

So - my good friend Digitalicat asked said this on my comments today:

Lee-lo Dallas, Multipass

Tell me what it means so I can respond to him correctly.

Lift us up,

Colonialave.

Blog Jesus answers:

He's giving you all the information you need to make that rash go away.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Aside from my fascination with cake, my favorite food is hot burritos from "Chipotle", a restaurant chain run by the folks from McDonald's... How did they get so good at cooking Mexican food?

In Him All Things Are Equal,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Ronald McDonald is an illegal immigrant. This explains why he is always in make-up.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why didn't you just go in for the kill with that perfectly set-up cock-in-the-mayo question the other day?

Blog Jesus answers:

That joke is precious and should only be used sparingly and I forgot . . .


Sugarfree9 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I was driving home from work the other day when I noticed a bumper sticker on an old Datsun pickup truck. It said the old familiar "WWJD". But then I began to wonder...

What would you do?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would've told that cock in the mayo jar joke.


Rabbit asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Will participating in HNT damn me to hell?

Blog Jesus answers:

Merely thinking about writing something on this blog destines you to hell so don't worry.


Audioholic asks:

Dear BJ,

will I get ahead in life by relying solely on my amazingly good looks? And if not, does having a 9” penis help?

Yours unfaithfully,

AH

Blog Jesus answers:

You won't get ahead in life due to your looks thanks to a angry mate with some wicked knife handling skills. That cock be around long either after that day.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

sugafree gave me an idea- what would your bumper sticker say? WWID?

Blog Jesus answers:

It actually says "Fuck Me if You're Horny."


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus,

Why me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Think about January 8, 2001 and that will explain it all.

____________________________________________________

Is it Tuesday yet?

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, September 09, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 130

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Danikabur asks:

I might be able to arrange video. However its going to be a while before she is done school and able to support me so I hope you don't mind waiting.

I seem to have lost you again. Where do you go when I can't see you?

Blog Jesus answers:

Then I need some of your fireman videos to subside me.

I am behind you. I don't go anywhere - I am just ninja stealthy.


BMK asks:

BJ,

Will my money troubles come to an end or should I just get used to the financial rapings that seem to be occuring more regularly?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would love to say that you don't have to lie down and take it anymore, but I can't. Don't worry you'll lose those limbs in the bus accident soon enough and be flush with cash.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Can you do something just to make sure i pass the bar? Because you know, I could use the luck on my side...

Blog Jesus answers:

I can move you to New Orleans where a good percentage of the bars are closed or underwater - that should keep you sober.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,I can let go... Honestly. It's just hard to do so. Those hips. Those eyes... Mmmmm... Yes. Anyway, my question is:

Is it safe to buy a new home now, or wait until I get my MPH (Master of Public Health, not the author of such blogs as "Heightened Thoughts" or "Ask Blog Jesus"... I thought you were changing your name to "M"?) degree?

In him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

It is never safe to buy a home. There is always the constant threat of Ellen Degeneres stopping by with some watermelon.


Sugarfree9 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I was at Costco the other day and saw some dude buying a 5 gallon jar/bucket of mayonaisse. What on earth could be going on at that household to warrant such a purchase?

Blog Jesus answers:

The man suffers from extreme nipple dryness and a lot of mayo is the only cure.


Housekeeper asks:

If I'm in a room and fart and no one is there to hear it...did it really happen?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes and the stain on your underwear will be the proof.


Old Roses asks:

If Housekeeper is in a room and farts and no one is there to to smell it, did it really happen?

Blog Jesus answers:

Housekeeper is the king of trailer farts and so it will follow him out the room and effect millions.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus,

How do I tell if I died and was resurrected while I was asleep? Cos my wife still gets to keep my insurance payout since I died, right?

Blog Jesus answers:

You can't and it's great. I kill people and ressurrect them all the time for fun. The best part is that I take actual years off your life when I do it.
___________________________________________________

Gotta go piss on the dog.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, September 08, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 129

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Laby Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Am I allergic to crystalized carbon? 'Cause I get violently sick when I see her wearing the rock.

In His Name I Pray Just To Make It Today,

Lab Boy

p.s. One could only wish she was a stripper.

Blog Jesus answers:

No you are not allergic you just have a problem with letting go. Find yourself a whore that looks like her and berate her for a bit (and a fee) and you will feel better.


Housekeeper asks:

BJ-

I heard someone say that an all crunch berry cereal was a sin...is that true, if so is the captain going to hell?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is not a sin. Eating Trix as an adult is a sin though. That shit is for kids fuckers.


Grend31 asks:

Dear Mister Saviour, Esq.,

A few of the chaps and myself would like this one settled for the record and for posterity. We've got lads in pointy hats saying one thing, and clothed gents of another breed saying yet another. Both in Your Name, of course.

So, once and for all, is it, or isn't it all right for me to wear one of those rubber things on the end of my John Thomas?

Yours with a rather latextual inquiry,Sir Brigadiere General Grend31, Mrs.

Blog Jesus answers:

No you should be wearing a chain mail device on your John Thomas.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

I woke up today with a slap mark on my face. What happened?

Blog Jesus answers:

You played grab ass with a guy that was to weak to actually punch you.


J.U. asks:

What do you think of the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Is it blasphemy to think His Noodly Appendages created all in this world?

Blog Jesus answers:

He's an ugly drunk and he lies a lot. No one created shit - an atom just farted and poof here we are.


Danikabur asks:

She prefers the sausage. Our marriage will only be consumated once (because it has to be). So can I share the firemen with her now?

Blog Jesus answers:

I will need the video of the consumation before making a ruling. It may take a lot of viewings and lotion to make a determination of her fireman worthiness.

_______________________________________________________

Too busy to say anything.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 128

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Rabbit asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I was born with a red cross in the middle of my forehead. What does the birthmark mean? Am I exempt from church?

Bless us, O Lord.

Blog Jesus answers:

It means that you are eligible to be hunted during deer season - especially when you don't go to church and even when you go to church.


Danikabur asks:

The stairs! Shit when did those get there.

So my friend agreed. We are going to be married. However I have to wait until she is done school so she can support me.

Am I allowed to share my firemen with her?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. Your friend can't have any fireman love until she officially proclaims that she digs the muff or digs the sausage. It's not a sexual orientation thing - I just need to figure out what to do with this girl's diving team I have on reserve.


G.D. asks:

Does it seem strange to you when I do that?

Blog Jesus answers:

Shitting on the sidewalk is a way to honor me in Buddapest, so no I don't find it strange at all.


Nain asks:

blog jesus,

are you a red wine or a white wine man? Does it even matter?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am a white wine man, but when I drink it I sing UB40's rendition of "Red, Red Wine"


Sugarfree9 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Are you really a vampire? I mean you drink blood, you're the undead etc. Whoever drinks your blood will have life everlasting, yadda yadda...

I just feel you're not being completely honest with us here. That cave was just doubling as a coffin, am I right?

Blog Jesus answers:

Wow are you really wrong. I am not a vampire. A vampire would not dig "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" so much and would also kill someone for asking such a stupid question. Check yourself, are you dead?


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Sorry I had to skip a day away from your everlasting presence, but I had an issue over some cake to resolve... Spoony cake, at that. At any rate, my question is this:

If Sunshine comes over and offers me some Star Wars stickers, am I supposed to not feel a bit led-on? Or am I reading too much into it?

In his name,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

If a stripper named Sunshine came over and offered me some stickers I would probably wonder who she cut to get them and how I can get her felon ass out of my place.


Footprints asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

If you are sucking face next to a breastfeeding woman and a man farts, is anyone really in the wrong??

Blog Jesus answers:

Only the person that doesn't pitch that concept for a TV show.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

It's been a long day. Could you switch off the light please.

Blog Jesus answers:

How about I break the light and use the shards of glass to cut your ass until you get up and turn off the light yourself. Sure the light will already be off because it is broken, but at least your dumbass will learn to turn the light off before crashing.


Grend31 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Are you considering updating your image or do you plan on going indefinitely with the hippee thing?

-Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

I tried shaving my head and hanging out with a bunch of white guys to look cool but then I got beat by a gang of black men and decided that the hippie look ain't so bad.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

do i look better like this.......



or like this?

Blog Jesus answers:

Hang on . . . okay now stick your tongue out . . . you look better like that.

________________________________________________________

Kanye West hates people who don't buy his CD's too.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 127

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Are the squirrels really plotting world domination? The Ouija Board says "Yes," the Eight Ball says it's possible, and Miss Cleo hung up.

Since you are Blog Jesus, the all mighty advice giver online, what's your opinion on this question?

Blog Jesus answers:

The squirrels are planning on taking over the world, but first we have to survive the invasion of the robot/alien hybrids.


Sylvana asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why is George W. Bush always laughing inappropriately?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is the only way he can not shit himself when he says something stupid.


The Jobey asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

In the movie Road House, does Patrick Swayze's character rip out the guy's throat who blew up Emmett's house? I say he just crushed it, but my jackass friend insists he ripped it out.

Blog Jesus answers:

He crushed it in the most girly way possible then he backed Baby into a corner just because he was a murderous high.


Grend31 asks:

Dear Mr. Christ,

Would that piece of halibut have been good enough for Jehovah?

Yours ever looking on the bright side of life,

-Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

No it was a little gamey.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Can we like go back in time to when Clinton was getting blow jobs and Bush was an alcoholic? I kinda miss those times.

Blog Jesus answers:

Trust me, Americans are petty enough that sooner or later all we will be talking about is rummy, blow job loving presidents.


Swayer asks:

Deal Blog Jesus,

How much longer until the Great Cake Revolution? Will I need to provide my own fork?

Blog Jesus answers:

Forty-three days and five hours from now. You eat this cake with a spoon.

__________________________________________________________

Mmmmmm . . . spoony cake.


As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, September 05, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Labor Day Edition

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:


HFB asks:

I beat Lab Boy to the first comment. Will this come back to bite me on the ass?

Also, why do people have to be so damn stupid? I mean, really.

Blog Jesus answers:

Probably - he doesn't have much to live for and if you take it away from him the ass biting begins.

So I can make light of dying in a hurricane and/or flooding.


Danikabur states:

Thank you very much! Those guys are great to play with but I'd like one to have a relationship with.

Nevermind I changed my mind I'll just get together with my girl friend for lovin and keep the men for the pleasure.

Thanks blog jesus you always look out for me! (BTW I think I lost you.. could you please let me know where to find you again.. I got distracted)

Blog Jesus answers:

First, lesbianism - excellent choice.

Second, look to the right and up the staircase.


Marriedman asks:

Dear Blogger of Bloggers:

My wife has decided that my "dick is much to small for her loose ass pussy", does that give me the freedom to fuck whomever I please as long as they are tight (i.e. highschool girls)?

Also, is this helmet really protecting me? Or does it just make me look slammin?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think it means you need to find a good divorce attorney who also defends child molesters.

I think the helmet may be doing too good of a job protecting you. Take it off and ride in traffic for a bit.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

do you have any idea where i left my keys?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think they flew off the bed after the third dictating session. Try looking in the plant.


Mandolin asks:

Dear B.J

If I pimp your blog, do I get to wear my sexy blog pimpin' outfit? If so, black leather or black silk?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, you get to wear the outfit. I would go with silk.


Old Roses asks:

If Lab Boy is the new Kris, does that mean we can't ask questions about him?

Blog Jesus answers:

That is permissible at this time. Abuse the privilege and get a beating.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Why the hatin'? Would you be more supportive of me being your fan if I were of the female persuasion? Also, with marriedman and his wife... Is it basically like throwing a hot dog into a hallway?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

I decided I needed someone to pick on and I drew your name for a hat. It's all the fault of chance.

I would still give you a hard time if you were a gal because of that orange hat.

No one should speak of hot dogs in such a vile manner.


G.D. asks:

Yo BJ,

Do you believe in reincarnation? If so, have we dated? Where you the one with the who-ha with no wha-whas?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes. Reincarnation exists. You were a shit beetle in your prior life.

We have never dated, but I would like a tape of you and the wha-wha less dude boning to add to my real fucking exotic collection.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What would happen if I stuck a waffle in my VCR and hit play? Also, do you think it's possibe that you were Ben Affleck in a past life?

Blog Jesus answers:

You would see a lot of nasty syrup shots to the face.

Nope. I was his assistant and I was allowed to listen to him knock up the Garner while standing outside his door.


Duff asks again:

dear blog jesus~

never mind- i found them.

strangely enough, the key to my apartment seems to be missing. mind if i start sleeping at the office?

Blog Jesus answers:

I knew they were in the plant.

Actually, just come back to my place. You may have to deal with Danikabur "stalking" me very hard every now and then, but you can join in if you want.


The Snakehead asks:

Hey there sexy,

what you doing?

Blog Jesus answers:

Answering your question.


Colonialave asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

My boss is being an asshole. I think his wife isn't giving him any. Could you hook him up so I don't have to deal with his shit?

Lift us up,

Colonialave

Blog Jesus answers:

I have sent the displace frat guys to his house. He'll get more than his share.


___________________________________________________________

Labor pains begin anew.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, September 02, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 125

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Why is Samuel L. Jackson in every movie? And will I turn into the Samuel L. Jackson of the questions asked to you?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Samuel L. Jackson is and forever will be cool and is also a greedy motherfucker, hence he's in a lot of movies.

You may be greedy, but you're not cool, so that title will never be bestowed upon you.


Sandi asks:

Do you care that I don't care about New Orleans?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have never cared for you in the first place so why would I care that you don't care about something.


R.U. Serious asks:

Blog to the J

Does it scare you that Lab Boy always has the first comment?

Blog Jesus answers:

Not at all. I know he is far enough was from Blog Jesus HQ not to do any real damage so I am alright with him anxiously waiting by the computer to be the first to ask a question.


G.D. states:

I put 20 on 3 weeks. Lab Boy will lose it in 3 weeks.

Blog Jesus responds:

Your bet is noted.


Danikabur asks:

Kung Fu Fighters = bad to date. Noted. Thanks blog jesus.

Any help on sending another non kung fu guys to me?

Blog Jesus answers:

My oh my are you a little cock loving fool. I've already given you firefighters and parapalegic studs and you just want more. All I got right now is some frat guys from New Orleans whose house was washed away. One of them knows how to cook . . . sort of.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

I want to be a rap artist but in a non English language. How do you feel about Aramaic?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would be fine with it if it were actually a language. Mel Gibson just made that shit up for his movie.

_________________________________________________________

I labor on Labor Day, so I will be around to answer your questions.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, September 01, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 124

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I have some extra cash. Should I send it to the Red Cross, or just keep it and donate an equal value amount of blood?Also, have I made it that obvious that I like women and the cake they come with?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would do neither. First off, sell your plasma for some extra dough. The, I suggest going to Wal Mart and buy a gun and plenty of bullets with the plasma cash and the money you already had. Drive to New Orleans and had the gun to a cop so that he can shoot the dumbfucks that are many a horrible situation worse.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I'm a little squeamish about giving blood, but I do have four buckets of fresh semen I could donate. The buckets dangle on hooks over doorways down the hallway here. Just to be clear, it's not my semen. That would be gross. It all just sort of came with the house.

So... Red Cross, right?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually you need to get a copter, fly to New Orleans with the buckets of jizz and drop them over the disco roofs that all the whores are stranded on. It's been days since they got some and that should tide them over for a bit.


Grend31 asks:

Dear Son of a Jehovah,

I use your name occasionally in, well, less than couth fashion. I am now asking not for your forgiveness, but instead permission to use it in this manner. It'd just be a lot easier that way.

-Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

If you add a "fucking" in there every now and then while using it in a less than couth fashion then you're golden.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Would using your name in a 'less than couth' fashion be something like "elbows OFF the BlogJesus table!" ?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. You really need to kill your kids - they are making you lose your edge.


Mateos Gagos asks:

I have a question, is that really your pic on your profile? It's hot whether it's you or not.

Blog Jesus answers:

That is Mark "fucking" Harmon in that there picture. I am not Mark Harmon, but I will agree in the most manly way possible that the picture is hot.


Danikabur asks:

Why do I always get the weird guys where its all cryptic on what the hell is going on?

Blog Jesus answers:

When you date kung fu fighters can you really expect anything else?


The Jobey asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Are those guys with the "Jesus Could Save You From Hell" signs on campus just trying to get me to sign up for a credit card like everyone else?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually they are trying to sign you up for a new Bible which is much more evil because those fuckers don't fit in wallets.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

When will I earn enough to have a dungeon of my own?

Blog Jesus answers:

Why bother with earning anything. Just marry rich and use her money to secretly build the dungeon.


Becca asks:

I ordered a comforter from overstock.com, but the online tracking isn't quite working. Can you locate my package in transit? Even better, can you ask Scotty to beam it to me?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is currently in New Orleans and you're not going to like what's on it.

Unfortunately Scotty died recently and in a fit of senile rage he ate the only instruction manual to the teleporter so you're SOL.


Marriedman asks:

Our dearest blord,

With my life slipping through my fingers at a rate that I can't seem to stop. I need to know, am I going to hell for my blog? Are you punishing me for my material?

Also, is it just me or does Lab Boy look like Fred Durst?

Oh, yeah. This whole last supper thing, can I just eat of the floor?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am not punishing you for shit. You are going to hell though.

That sir is just wrong.

Sure - more room for me.

____________________________________________________

I believe Lab Boy is the new Kris. Start placing bets on how fast it takes him to go insane.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus