Wednesday, August 31, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 123

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

If a cat chokes on the mouse he tried to swallow, who killed whom? And will I ever master the fine art of asking meaningful questions?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

I will never give a rodent credit for anything so the cat killed the mouse but was stupid about doing it.

Not until well after you learn to tie your shoes.


Sandi asks:

Thanks for the good luck when I went out spider hunting. I have found out that not only is my spider female she is also a rare breed woth a fair amount of money. I don't like the name of the breed though, Mexican Golden Redrump, can you come up with something more fitting for a medium sized tarantula?She has really big fangs, if that helps.

Blog Jesus answers:

How's Spanked Ass Killer Bitch sound?


Grend31 asks:

Sweet Jesus,

When Cthulhu awakens from his long slumber, what will be your first question for him?

fhtagn,

-Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

What I ask everyone - Does the cuffs match the collar.


Marriedman asks:

Dear J-to-the-ezzo,

Why is it that every time I ask the bagger at the supermarket if she could put some cream on my corn she gets angry?

Also, was that lab boy in my lawn last night tossing digi's salad? And if so, how come he (digi) hasn't told us about it yet?

chronologically yours, marriedman

Blog Jesus answers:

She must be a strict meat eater. Next time ask her if you can pour gravy on her mashed potato.

It was not Lab Boy. The kid is basically a whore, but not that kind of whore.


Holly asks:

Where the fuck is my favorite t-shirt? I've torn my house apart looking for it.

Blog Jesus answers:

It's in the tree in your front your - a victim of your lets do it doggy style on the roof idea.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

If bottled water contains nothing but pure water how come it has an expiration date? You think Satan has something to do with this?

Blog Jesus answers:

That's actually my idea. People don't notice much, but they do catch expiration dates. By adding them onto bottled water I convince people to drink quickly and buy more. It is one of the many reasons I have enough money to own you right now.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Jesus, is Lab Boy EVER gonna get laid?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think it's up to you to put the boy out of his misery.


____________________________________________________

Should I stop printing those Saints to the Super Bowl shirts?

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 122

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Am I the Master or the Apprentice? And do I have to wear the leather chaps?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Depends on the subject. You're a master at wearing an orange hat and only looking half ass goofy. You're also a master at falling for mulitple chicks at once. When it comes to asking me informed questions you're an apprentice. You also can't grow grapes for shit so you're an apprentice there too.

Yes. It is the only way to avoid chafing when you boink that rubgy girl.


Satan asks:

Jesarse,

I don't care how hot your damnable secretary is, I never rang about lunch. I said Punch you poor excuse for a sex-aidministration worker. Anyway, I'll punch your lights out at 4pm, I'm getting my legs waxed earlier.

Oh yeah, that friggin question thing... ah where's my pen?

PS. You're right about kiddies TV hosts but you've got to admit Mr Rogers is definately one of mine.

Blog Jesus answers:

Hey now, lay off the Duff. You speak broken English at best and it is understandable that she may not understand your retarded sounding words. See you at 4:00 p.m.

Check your ass.

I will give your Mr. Rogers as long as you admit I get Levar Burton pre and post mustache.


Sandi asks:

If Satan is going to Punch you, can you sell tickets? I would love to get a front row seat to take close up pictures. Naturally I would offer you 40% of the profit from print sales.

Blog Jesus answers:

It's not like he's going to donkey punch me or something to that effect so there is need to sell tickets. I will take 40% of your money though.


J.U. asks:

Blog Jesus,

What's the real meaning to life and the Universe? I've heard it's God, it's religion, it's the number 42. Or is there no actual meaning to the Universe and this is all some twisted joke?

J.U.

Blog Jesus answers:

There is no real meaning to anything - people that commit suicide get that. Not that I am saying commit suicide (though do what you want), but admit it - a bullet to the brain is better than a debating evolution and intelligent design.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Since you are all knowing how come you don't win the lottery every week? And can you cut me in a little piece of that action? I do have a lot of student loans, you know...

Blog Jesus answers:

I got unicorn gold and viable dinosaur eggs so I don't need to even buy a lotto ticket. Plus, if I were to win the lottery then how would all them white trash folk pay all those strippers?


Grend31 asks:

Dear BJ,

Are you at all uncomfortable having those initials?

And doesn't that prickly crown get on your nerves?

Yours ever inquisitively,

-grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

Nope, I don't think of the initials in that way. I prefer to recall the great television show "B.J. and the Bear" and hum it's theme song.

I only wear that crown when I am getting beaten and the German chick that usually does that for me is on vacation this week.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I've taken up cigarette smoking in order to wean myself off my crippling addiction to Nicorette gum. I'm off the gum, but I'm up to seven packs a day smoking. Since I'm all about doing things 100%, I'm worried that there aren't enough hours per day to increase my cigarette consumption significantly. Any suggestions?

Blog Jesus answers:

Get a hole cut into your throat big enough to stick a cigarette in there. Insert - light - inhale. While you're doing that smoke to the regular way and bask in the mass consumption.


G.D. asks:

How do these look on me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Face it woman, you're too slutty looking to pull off ruby slippers - give them back.


R.U. Serious asks:

Blog to the J

Do you get tired of the long running jokes in the questions?

Blog Jesus answers:

No . . . every word is a gift and if that means hearing the same ones over and over again so be it. I also take a lot of drugs.


Mother Dear states:

MPH, this blogiste has been nominated by at least one of your peers for Best Comedic Blogsite on The Order Of Brilliant Bloggers.Please feel free to visit and vote by September 5th at http://mdskidsrbrilliant.blogspot.com!!! And congratulations!!!

Blog Jesus responds:

There is so much wrong with this that I don't even know where to begin . . . okay, now I know where:

1) I have no peers.

2) There is no such thing as a brillant blogger

3) Comedic? Since when is helping people funny?

4) No mention of whores.


Pops asks again:

Beej,

A second question: Does it bother you to know that my blog has been nominated against yours for... whatever that thing is that guy said about the nomination thing, which means that you are going to go down and go down hard?

There's an outside chance The Hot Librarian might sneak in and steal it, but I think it's down to you or me, bitch. Prepare your ass for the kicking.

Blog Jesus answers again:

Again, I would only be bothered if I knew that whores were part of the prize package. They are not so I could give a rat's ass.

The Hot Librarian is going to kick both of our asses anyway.
__________________________________________________

Despite the objections mentioned above please vote for me. I want to give an expletive filled acceptance speech.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, August 29, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 121

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Larry asks:

You know, this is a pretty sweet scam you've got going here, Blog Jesus. The flock is growing, the love is flowing and everyone's happy. But this little web-based help desk is outgrowing it's roots, and there's more potential here that I think you might want to exploit.

Now that the customer base has gotten used to coming to you as their only source of Truth and Good, it's time to nudge them, don't you think, Blog Jesus, into the next step.

Picture if you will, the Blog Jesus Gold Account: personalized, private email assistance with the lifestyle and philosophical issues that concern you. How much would you pay for this virtual hotline to your Blog Savior?

Don't answer that (you might say in your infomercial) because if you call in the next ten minutes, your Blog Jesus Gold Account can be activated instantly and you will receive ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE a Blog Jesus Gold membership certificate and one free month of BJ Gold service! No need to make up a stupid alias because your question to Blog Jesus is too personal or embarrassing and you don't want your mom or boyfriend to read it. Because you will be in direct confidential communion with The Lord Blog Jesus himself!

And the best part is that your new Blog Jesus Gold Account, a 550-dollar value, will be yours for just three easy payments of $183.33! Leave the common trash behind on the web, and step up to the level of respect, service and dignity that you deserve: Blog Jesus Gold.

Call tonight: (800) BJ-GOLD1.

Then, Blog Jesus, you can turn this web site over to a call center in Bangladesh, sit back with the Russian whores and absinthe as the cashola rolls in, and watch "Alias" reruns.

What do you think, Blog Jesus?

Blog Jesus answers:

Pure genius sir - though there are a couple of flaws. It should only be one day of free service. And people should only be given a Silver certificate then forced to pay $25.00 to upgrade to Gold.

Also, consider yourself my new Hype Man.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Ok, so I did what you said and he's put me out of the firewall, but now I feel sorry for him with all those cuts in hard to reach places...should I give him some Neosporin?

Blog Jesus answers:

No - you should be pouring pickle juice on the son of bitch.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Since you are omniscient and all, can you please tell me what Larry was doing standing on those train tracks waving like crazy?

Also I have a confession to make. I stole some of your stuff and posted it on my website. But it was all for a good cause, to welcome more sinners into your fold. Am I still invited to the last supper?

And speaking of the last supper, can we have frog legs or would it be too French?

Blog Jesus answers:

He just forgot to take his meds that day. He usually can be found waving like crazy in the middle of rush hour traffic.

Pimping my blog can only get you a better seat at the Last Supper (hint, hint disciples)

My mad love for Kermit the Frog prevents such a thing from being on the menu.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Do you like spam? 'Cause it just finds your blog so loving... At any rate, my question is: Met a girl, like the girl, four day weekend coming up, any suggestions? No... She doesn't play rugby.

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

With a four day weekend you'll definitely want to handcuff her to the bed rather than just tie her to it. By day two she'll have loosened those knots.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Will you stand by me?

Blog Jesus answers:

So long as I am not the Wil Wheaton of the group.


Sugarfree9 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What is it about children's programming that makes all the guys in them so femme? Is it satan? Or is that you?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's me. I have a lot of fun with that. You see, those femme children's programming guys are the basis for each and every man questioning their sexuality in high school then getting depressed for a few days. Your tears of pain are my tears of joy.


La asks:

Dear Blog-J,

As you newly appointed Sex Correspondent, I have taken the liberty of writing a 'Sexual Mandate' for your review.

http://lanaked.blogspot.com/2005/08/sexual-mandate.html

Any additional words of advice? Oh, and if you don't hear from me for few days . . .well, you know, its because I'll be busy satisfying, I mean, fulfilling my holy mission: having a fucking good time.

AMEN!

Blog Jesus answers:

I don't have a clue what you wrote, but those breasts sure were dandy.



Mandolin asks:

No matter how hard I try, the only thing I think of when I hear the word "Spam" is Monty Python.

Why do I sunburn so damn easily? Also, why do I bother to go ouside if I know it will happen? Do they even have a SPF 400 sunblock?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would be talking to the albino milkman that your mom made time with to answer the first question.

The albino also wasn't too bright - again ask him.

Nope - all a scam.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

satan called. are you still available for a lunch date with him this thursday- around 2:00?

also, your pen's out of ink again.

Blog Jesus answers:

Eh, bump it to 2:30 p.m.

It's not out of ink, it's just tired - try it at a different angle.


Old Roses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

When I moved into this house ten years ago, the next door neighbors had 7 large dogs. Every year thereafter, they had 7 different large dogs each year. No explanation was ever offered as to what happened to the dogs every year. I've always assumed that they ate them.

The past few years I have noticed that they only have 6 dogs each year and they are always of the small variety.

Does this mean they have gone on a diet?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually, they are smaller because we do not heed the advice of the Barker and castrate our animals. Because there are some many of those fuckers out there, the food gets taken quickly - hence smaller dogs.


Chuys asks:

Blog Jesus, are you the son of god? Coz god signed my guestbook on my blog!

Blog Jesus answers:

That signature is a fake. God is too doped up on speedballs to remember how to sign his own name.


Danikabur asks:

Whoa there you are!!! So can you get my midget back? It wouldn't concern me much that he is gone except that he took the firemen with him and I could really use them. Thanks

Blog Jesus answers:

Midgets are a bitch to catch. How about I send you some functional parapalegic construction workers that, despite being bed ridden are still lift weights and have upper body tone.


G.D. asks:

Where can I buy a pair of those?

Blog Jesus answers:

Originally just New Orleans, but after this morning, I hear that are scattered all over the Gulf Coast.


Married Man asks:

I can't overstate the usefulness that I have found since discovering your site. I think that you should write a book, maybe you could call it the Blogble, or maybe Biblog. Either way, I'd definatley buy it.

Now on to my question.

Is it illegal to drink cat piss, or is it just illegal to drink it directly from the source? I need to clear this up before my court date next Thursday.

Thanks in advance for your insightful answer!

Oh, by the way. My rash wont go away, does it have something to do with sleeping with dead people?

Blog Jesus answers:

You can only drink cat piss legall if it is in a can. Though with Siamese cats you can drink it from the source if said source is declawed.

I think you have just been drinking the wrong cat's piss. Continue with the necro.

__________________________________________________

Uh . . . .

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, August 26, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 120

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Ok, so I got the tech guy hostage, but the books don't seem to be doing the trick - any ideas?

Blog Jesus answers:

Paper cuts on the scrotum and paper clips to the retina.


Sugarfree9 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Who does your hair? I'd like some of the clippings to fashion a "holy pillow".

Blog Jesus answers:

I do my own hair because I am that often. If you want a holy pillow then I suggest just stealing one from a priest because I got my pillows properly broken in and will kill those that try and take my comfort away.


Sandi asks:

Everyone seems to be putting verifiers on their sites to stop the spammers. Are you going to do that also, or do you like the spammers?

Also, do you think I have a chance in hell of selling any of my photos to Birds and Blooms, or am I just wasting my emails?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am not going to do so out of fear that that one of the odd combo of letters and numbers might be the one that will send me back into that tomb for eternity.

Just waisting them. Penthouse is probably your only taker right now.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

You know I have mad love for you, right? So, how's about you give me some lovin...cause...well.....sometimes a girl needs a deep dickin. :)

Shabbat Shalom!

Blog Jesus answers:

I will have to see if there is any more deep dickin' on the shelves. The lady disciples have been hard up as of late and it has been selling like hotcakes.


Grend31 asks:

My Dearest Lord Savior in His Righteous Blogdom,

I've been having a spot of trouble with my servant Smiggins. It seems he does not know how to fashion a proper martini. Is there any way you might bless him with this most holy of knowledge.

Yours truly in the spirit of finest digital worship,

Sir Brigadiere General Grend31, Mrs.

Blog Jesus answers:

Martinis are not a pedestrian drink. You can't have it plastic cups. I suggest geting a martini glass or two to put them in. Only then will your martinis be stylying and profiling.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blog J

Is eating eggs being pro-choice? I laid them myself.

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, eating eggs is being pro choice. You choose to eventually get high cholestorol and die just so you can eat chicken babies.


Danikabur asks:

Dear BJ (mmm BJ)

I've been trying to find you to stalk you but my midget ran away and now I'm lost. I just stole some kids computer so I could type this. Where ARE you!??!

Blog Jesus answers:

Look to your right . . . a little more . . . . too much . . . slightly left now. I'm right here.


_____________________________________________________

Frack.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, August 25, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 119

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Marriedman asks:

Dearest Bloghova,

I need to know. Will I get fired from my job for blogging all day? Or will I get fired for wanting to waterbottlefist my manager's anus?

also, do you like Sean Connery?

Blog Jesus answers:

You will get reprimanded for blogging all day, then fired when you offer to water bottle your boss as penance.

It depends: Bond Connery - awesome. Untouchables Connery - fucking awesome. Forrester Connery - Shitty.


Nain asks:

Dear blog jesus,

my school put up this firewall thing and it really puts a damper on my blogging - how can I change this?

Blog Jesus answers:

Take a tech guy hostage and force him to destroy the firewall while you beat him with one your books.


Duff asks:

dear boss~

when will lab boy buy me an oreo mcflurry?

how many points would i have gotten for running over twelve canadian geese this morning?

what if i'd run over the "working girl" wearing fishnets and leather at two this afternoon?

also, someone named "steve" called- something about changing long distance carriers.....i told him you weren't interested.

Blog Jesus answers:

When he gets the balls to just do it rather than asking me if it is okay.

750 points

As long as it was not one of my working girls you would get 86 points. If it was one of my girls, then you get shit.

Good. Now if the guy says his name is Randolph, allow that one through - I like the powder he sells.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem

Do you prefer my left...or right breast?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am all about equality. They're both bitchin' in my book.


Sugarfree9 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

If I were to say, light my farts on fire, is that like asking Satan for his approval in some repressed way? And if so, am I damned?

Blog Jesus answers:

No, but it is showing off and all show offs do is draw attention away from me. For that you would be damned.


Grend31 asks:

Sweet Jesus,

Do you really have the mad pogo stick skillz?

-Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

No, I have extremely mad pogo stick skills. Blog Jesus don't play that "z" shit.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

May I buy Duff, your very lovely secretary, a McFlurry if

A) She is in the DC area, or

B) I am in her neck of the woods?

And have you thought about franchising the "Blog Jesus" establishment? I'd be very interested in investing.

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Duff will be busy working for me, so if she is in D.C. she won't have time to stop for a McFlurry with you because she's gotta pick up bribe money.

You can come to her, but realize that you will have to feed it to her while she types my dictations.

I have enough trouble with people who think I am an affront to Christianity wanting to burn down my main HQ. I don't need to worry about franchises suffering the same problem.


Gawker asks:

Dear BJ

If one had a compulsive desire to wear nothing but a loin cloth in public, how would one refrain from repeatedly touching oneself inappropriately?

Blog Jesus answers:

Hire a whore and have her touch you inappropriately instead.


Eeky the Great asks:

How many fingers am I holding up??

Blog Jesus answers:

Seventeen.


_______________________________________________________

Frank Black. "Honeycomb." By it.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 118

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Marriedman asks:

Dearest Blogsiah,

How did you know that I pictured my female manager with a penis....oh wait. You are omniscent.

Also, at night, when I'm all alone. I play with myself. When I wake up, my penis is gone and is replaced with the newest CHER cd. Is this some kind of trick you are playing?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nope, it just means that you need to cage your dog or better yet, get a better lock for your detachable dick.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I bought this girl an Oreo McFlurry, and she said she was "satisfied" and made all sorts of noises as she ate it...Is that all it takes to satisfy women? How come I wasn't informed of this?!

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

No. The Oreo McFlurry worked for this chick, but it won't work for the next one. She'll be into crab meat or something. Each female has her own thing which she refuses to tell men that will satisfy her. You then have to spend a shitload of money to figure out what it is. It's their power and it makes them dreadfully evil.


Pops asks:

Beej,

How exactly can you "fist" someone with a water bottle? Is the whole point of fisting that you use your... you know... fist? If you used a water bottle, wouldn't it be called "water-bottling"? And if so, where is the a website or a chatroom devoted to water-bottling so I can check it out. You know, for research purposes.

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually the whole point of fisting is to play punching bag with a woman's uterus.

As for water bottling sites, I would try "HaveaCokeandaSmile.com"


La asks:

Dear Blog-J,

Good point about not leaving a paper trail. But that raises another question:

If the subjects of my 'research' don't want to be videotaped, can I still have sex with them?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes you can, but I will not pay for maternity leave in those cases.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Aren't you happy that the sexual deviants have found a home here? (I know I surely am. I mean, this is better than a goddamn Oreo McFlurry!)

Blog Jesus answers:

I am thrilled. It just means that Blogger will flag me sooner and I can retire earlier than expected.


Grend31 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Dude, people keep saying that you are going to have a second coming. Does this mean you really did score with Mary M. the first time?

-Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

I did more than score with her, I had sex with her.

________________________________________________________

Supplier of Pat Robertson's shrooms for ten years running.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 117

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Marriedman asks:

Oh Holy Blogod,

Thanks for clearing up my mullet situation. But I do have another question:

Is it ok for me to think about my manager teabagging me while I fist her anus with a water bottle?

Blog Jesus answers:

I think the more interesting question is when you think of such a think you imagine that your female boss has a penis. Shrinks could have a field day with your ass.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Bright and early this time!

Q: Why the sudden interest in my sexual adventures (or lack thereof)?

And...Q2: Why the female rugby player? Why? Why? Oh, Jesus, WHYYYY!!!???

As Always, In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Admittedly, every one thinks the desperateness of the women you sleep with is hysterical.

You should ask your friend Jack Daniels about that. He's the one that's going to push you that way.


R.U. Serious asks:

Blog to the J,

I was wondering, when will you be inventing a new STD? The one's we have now really are kind of played out.

Blog Jesus answers:

I already got one out that is for kids only. Unfortunately the kids aren't fucking enough to create a real good outbreak. That's what I get for starting out on kindergarteners.


La asks:

Dear Blog-J,

Thank you for appointing me your sex correspondent. I hope to have a fucking good time in your name, as in:

"BLOG JESUS!! OH BLOG GOD!! YES, YES, THAT'S IT! RIGHT THERE"

Just so I know: Do I need to fill out any paperwork before I get started?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. Given the stuff you're going to do, there really shouldn't be a paper trail.


G.D. asks:

Did you miss me motherfucker??

What did I miss??

Blog Jesus answers:

Yeah I sort of did - only when I was drunk and the lotion ran out though.

I have hired a new secretary (Duff), got a sex correspondent (see above), and I convinced Pops to follow his dream about abandoning his family and opening up a one man nude dance show across the street from a Krispy Kreme.


Satan asks:

Jesarse

Necro-Beastiality's a sin, who would have thunk it.

What if you use an electrified fire hose, rubber gloves and a couple of dead endangered turtles during fore-play with a barely alive Protester?

Oh, and -g.d and I didn't arrive together we just met at the door on the way in...

anyway, do you really fuck your mother?

Blog Jesus answers:

Who would've?

That is perfectly acceptable behavior.

Stop hiding, we've all did it anyway.

Nope - just mom's friends.


Sandi asks:

Is it wrong of me to enjoy my spider eating a snake?

Blog Jesus answers:

Only if you're forcing the spider to be gay. If it is into it, then have a ball.


Grend31 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

When do you anticipate running out of body and blood?

I mean, with all the people out there eating your body and drinking your blood, there must be a point where you are finally gobbled up and tapped out, right?

Wanting my fair share,

-Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

Never. That whole blood and body of Christ deal is a hoax. The goal of it actually is to get people just a bit drunk so they foolishly put more in the collection plate.


BMK asks:

BJ,

I know I'm sopposed to tithe but if I win the lottery I'm afraid that there will be smiting for not giving enough toward your mission. Am I correct or should I live by the motto that 'greed is good'?

BMK

Blog Jesus answers:

Live by that motto, but realize that what is means is that my greed is good. So fork over the dough.


Mandolin asks:

Dear B.J.

I'm sure Lab Boy would be better off with a cute red-head who can do yoga and enjoys "cake".

Will I ever find someone who can best me at Tetris?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am sure he would, but he's getting a sweaty female rugby player.

That would be me. I am the greatest ever.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

for once, i am questionless....but i'll try to make up for it with two tomorrow.

Blog Jesus answers:

Man, I give you a knew job and you fall short. Those questions better be good tomorrow.


_________________________________________________________

I have no problem with any countries that can give me a bunch of oil and sweet coke.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, August 22, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 116

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem

What's the deal with pork? Why is it off limits?

Blog Jesus answers:

"Lord of the Flies" had a deep impact on me . . . I felt sorry for the boar.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

how would you like me to deal with all the heavy breathing on the other end of your phone line? should i attempt to get the caller's names, or just start recording the calls for you to identify?

also, should we hold off on the mud-wrestling until digi gets back from vacation? i mean, i'm fine with wrestling whenever, but i was sort of hoping to pin him during the second round.

Blog Jesus answers:

Normally that heavy breathing will just be me, so ignore it completely.

I don't really want to hold off on the match any longer, but I tell you what - you can have a match against Digitalicat next week regardless of whether you win or lose.


Larry asks:

Do you love Saturday and Sunday bunches, or Saturday and Sunday brunches?

Blog Jesus answers:

I love Saturday and Sunday bunches. I am never up early enough to enjoy a Saturday or Sunday brunch.


Married Man asks:

Dearest Blog J-diddy,

Is it wrong for me to be totally turned on by your glorious profile picture?

Also, does this mullet make me look fat?

Blog Jesus answers:

If being infatuated with Mark Harmon is wrong, then I never want to be right.

It's not so much the mullet as it the perm you have given the mullet that makes you look fat.


Johnny Menace asks:

aiyo biggie j,

when will gas prices go down?

Blog Jesus answers:

When we figure out how to make puppy juice keep an engine running.


Voodoo asks:

hey beeg,

I would really like to slaughter my husband's ex-skank whore of a wife. But, I realize this might not be a good thing for my step-son (who really is my son since he lives with us full time and I raise him like my own.) Anyway... How would you go about making her realize how important it is for her to be more than a weekly phone call or monthly trip to target for a toy? Unless, you could just go ahead and send her nasty ass to hell right now. That would make it much easier on us. It is easier to explain away death to a 7 year old, than it is why his mother is such a piece of shit.

Thanks in advance.

Blog Jesus answers:

I got a better idea than killing her. We're going to clone the boy multiple times over and mail him to skank whore to remind her of the boy until she gets it. If she doesn't then I will eventually make the clones eviler and eviler.


Paddy asks:

My friend only drinks cocktails with fruit and umbrellas in them. Does that make him gay? Or is it having sex with other men that makes him gay? Just askin'.

Blog Jesus answers:

The drinks definitely makes him gay. I would be willing to chalk the man love to experimentation, but the drinks do your friend in.


Paddy states:

And it wasn't me he had sex with. For sure not me. Well, really it was a college thing, just experimentation. You know, finding myself and all that. And I think a little umbrella got stuck in my brain somewhere, and that affected my judgement, which is normally very manly. And very hetero. Okay, I've gotta go wash my big truck. And drink beer.

Blog Jesus responds:

Most flaming denial . . . ever.


Carol asks:

Dear Jog Blesus,

How can I make my parents realize that Aol instant Messenger will not kill our computer?

Blog Jesus answers:

Ever since your parents saw Yahoo! Messenger kill the cat, I don't think anyone could convince them to trust an IM again.


La asks:

Dear Blog-J,

I'm suspicious of paddy's claim of being hetero.

Can you arrange it so that I can have sex with him . .you know just to make sure he isn't lying to you about this . .

I'll be happy to report my findings.

Blog Jesus answers:

Sure. From now on La, you can be my sex correspondent. Travel the glode and have a fucking good time. Just get a lot of video.


Housekeeper asks:

Dear Blog Jesus-

Is my priest breaking his vow of celibacy by appearing in my sex dreams?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. He's breaking his vow of celibacy by making you think what you're doing is only a dream.


Sugarfree9 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is it a sin to have sex with dead animals? I mean, no one is hurting anyone, and if the act brings someone joy, where's the harm?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes it is a sin. But feel free to start doing it. Your merely thinking of it destined you to hell so live it up with the dead.


Pops asks:

Beej,

All this talk of sexual deviancy makes me think of my greatest wish, to meet Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) and then have crazy, crazy sex with him. Can you set up the meeting?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. I can stomach a lot of things, but Blog Jethro-Santorum love is not one of them.


The Snakehead asks:

Bloggesus,

I was gone for a week. Did you miss me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yea-no.


Sandi asks:

Is it okay with you if I kill the nasty skanky hoes I work with? Or should I just seal them in air tight bags and send them to you?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nasty skanky hoes are worthless to me if they suffocate mid-shipment. If you're willing to let them breath I am sure I could use them. Someone is going to have kill animals to keep Sugarfree happy.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Who will Lab Boy want to have sex with this week?

Blog Jesus answers:

Unfortunately I see a really drunken night and a female rugby player in his near future.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Last minute... Sorry. One night stands, yay or nay?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

I prefer two night stands. That way you can have two lamps near your bed and that allows for more reading light.

_____________________________________________________

Lawrence Phillips you one crazy bitch.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, August 19, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 115

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Sprocket and Spokes declares:

great blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Blog Jesus answers:

Coming from someone that puts a period after exclamation marks - that means something to me.


La asks:

Dear Blog-J,

I notice that my blog is linked to yours. I'm honored.

I've added a second blog to write about the 'darker side' of my life . .any advice?

Blog Jesus answers:

I find that when I am talking about carousing at the very least, and fornicating at most with African Americans it is best not to use the N-word at any time.


Sandi asks:

No one likes my new pet :( What can I do to make people understand that spiders won't hurt a person on purpose?

Blog Jesus answers:

Stab them in the chest and explain how that is an intentional act and a spider is incapable of having such thought therefore any biting would be the result of purely mindless activity rather than purposeful.


Grend13 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Do you currrently have any openings for any entry-level internet messiahs? My current place of employ has pretty much exhausted my patience.

Waiting Hopefully for Your Divine Interviewing Rapture,

-Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

Well Duff just got hired on as my new secretary so not really. However, the guys that rent my basement from time to time say they are always in the market for a new fluffer. Something about open sores ruining the moment . . .


Danikabur asks:

Jesus DUDE

When does the mudwrestling match start? I'm very excited. Can I make Duff MINE if she loses the match?

Blog Jesus answers:

The match will start as soon as I determine you both are properly oiled.

No you can't make Duff yours. I will allow you to stalk her though, since she is my new secretary.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why is Sandi completely insane? Doesn't she know that spiders are evil, evil creatures that suck your soul while you sleep?

Blog Jesus answers:

First off, Sandi is not insane. She was just dropped on her head too many times as a child.

Secondly, you're wrong about the spiders. It's women that suck your soul out while you sleep.


Jess asks:

BJ:

Yeah, I'm back. Don't tear up; I know you missed me.

Are weekends really important or are we just conditioned to believe that they mean something to our sanity?

Blog Jesus answers:

The weekends are important to me. I have conditioned many of you that you need to blow off steam during the weekends. Since you're morally repugnant, that means buying my whores, drugs, and slave labor. I make a ton of cash on the weekends and love Saturday and Sunday bunches.


Carol asks:

How can I be sure that my teachers this year will like me? Is an apple enough, or should I spring for a big basket of chocolates?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sadly Carol, the modern teacher cares not for apples and chocolates . . . no, the modern teacher only wants the ass.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Last minute. I know. My apologies. My rather young apprentice is off to college... Should I warn him of the consequences of drinking and partying, or let him discover it on hiw own, like I did before him?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Don't tell him. He needs to learn on his own. And don't worry, it's rare for people that know each other to get sodomized in a shower by the rugby team in the first weeks of college. Your pain is his gain.

_______________________________________________________

LOUD NOISES!!!!

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, August 18, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 114

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Inside Brad's Mind asks:

Blo_J,

I wasn't up-front in qualifying my first wife as a breeder... Any advice on how to ensure hot babes don't just put out, but, pop one out?

Brad.

Blog Jesus answers:

It's rather easy. Replace their birth control pills with roofies. Two birds - one stone.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Is a girl who is going to medical school, is extremely cute, will be about 90 miles from me, and whose family is loaded... Is she too out of my league for me to pursue? What is my league?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Face facts young man, clubbed footed, morbidly obese blind women are out of your league. That doesn't mean you shouldn't pursue her. People like me need comedy in their lives.


Swayer asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why isn't your spam filter turned on?

STP

Blog Jesus answers:

My door is open to everyone and everything. I also sometimes get really drunk and think the spam is the delicious edible kind. How can you not invite delicious spam into your home?


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem

Asshole didn't call. SO I beg thee....tell me....what is wrong with me? *sniffle*

Blog Jesus answers:

It's not you, it's the fact that you're in Cleveland. Even guys that live there have a hard time wanting to start a life in that God foresaken place.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

When will the soccer madness end?

Blog Jesus answers:

When the wolverines eat Pele.


BMK asks:

BJ,

Will the renowned game of Cornhole be just a cult fan favorite of the Tri-State area or will it eventually make it to the Olympics as a bonafide sport?

Blog Jesus answers:

It will never make the Olympics - public sodomy went out of style after the first couple Olympiads.


Grend31 asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Who would win in a no-holds-barred extreme fighting cage match between you and Buddha?

Blood-lustily,

Grend31

Blog Jesus answers:

Me hands down. He's a fat ass and I have enough skill to be able to kick him in the nards despite the fatty barrier blocking my way.


Danikabur asks:

WOW! Why are you so nice to me?

Also how long can I stay?

Blog Jesus answers:

Uh, you're hot . . . okay being a female pretty much enough.

As long as you remain hot . . . okay . . . remain a female.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Can you find me a nice trophy husband? That's all I really need, but I really don't have time to do that myself...

Blog Jesus answers:

Okay, go eastbound on Washington St. until you hit I-465. Go south on I-465 and exit on Southeastern Ave. Take that until you pass Brad's Show Club. Stop there and work you're normal shift. Then go next door to Arties Trophy Emporium - he's got trophy husbands out the ass.


Voodoo asks:

Hey BJ...what does MPH stand for?

:)

Blog Jesus answers:

Miles Per Hour


Satan asks:

Jesarse,

So, I strapped a 'Chinese three-striped box turtle' to my right hand and a 'Toad headed turtle' to my left. The battle was furious and I'm glad to say, although the turtles didn't make, I won the day. That horse has some of the most severe bruising I've ever seen. Good call.

What should I do about the plethora of wild-life conservationist that are camped outside chanting something about cruelty to horses and killing endangered turtles?

Blog Jesus answers:

Set up a fence around them - call it a freedom zone. Electrify that fence. Go up to your roof with a fire hose. Proceed to knock said conservationists into electric fence. Remember to wear rubber gloves and ground yourself.

________________________________________________________

Does anyone even say nards any more?

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 113

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

USA vs. Trinidad & Tobago in World Cup 2006 qualifying Wednesday at 8:00 ET on ESPN2. I'm going to be the only one watching this, aren't I?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am sure some no account Latinos will steal a TV in time to watch it as well - you won't be alone.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I too will be watching the soccer games, but I will be wearing an actual soccer jersey, drinking beer, and screaming my lungs out...

The question is: Should I put all my money on T&T or on T&A?

In His Name,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Better yet, give all your money to me and just let me make the decision for you that way. I don't forsee any possible way that you won't get what you deserve for doing this.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Make the fucker call me already! I'm tired of waiting. Please?

Blog Jesus answers:

Pick up your phone right . . . . . . . . now.


Sandi asks:

I got a new pet, a Black Widow Spider, wanna see?

Better yet, wanna play with her?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sure, I'll play with it. You know that I am immune to all poisons right? The only thing that strikes me down is bad mayo.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is the fact that you knew the correct spelling for the Hammer song kind of sad?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, but that is why I pray to make it today.


Swayer asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

In the event that Brent is purchased on the exotic animal webisite, can I then inherit his rockin orange chair?

Texas' newest player,

STP

Blog Jesus answers:

He's actually already given that to some Korean dude with no arms and legs. However, feel free to throw the gimp off the chair and take it. Remember to hose it down first.


BMK asks:

BJ,

Can you send some locusts to the financial aid office here in Cincinnati... please dont send plague along with the locust as I need those bastards alive to give a poor grad. student money (as far as I know, dead people dont give out loans... if they do then go ahead and send plague if you would like to have some fun)

Blog Jesus answers:

The locusts will only distract them from getting you paid. How about I just met their feet to the floor until they give you all the riches you rightfully deserve.


BMK asks:

Should I drive home to Cleveland this weekend or wait and see if you smite the loan people in my previous question?

Blog Jesus answers:

I wouldn't drive to Cleveland due to the simple fact that Cleveland sucks.


Danikabur asks:

Uhh BJ could you help me out with some plane fare.. so I can stalk you?

Blog Jesus answers:

Not only will I pay your fare, but I will put you up in my digs just to make the stalking easier.


Carol asks:

Dear blog Jesus:

What must I do be on the waitjng list for the last supper?

And also, where can I purchase tickets for the mud-wrestling event happening on friday?

Blog Jesus answers:

If you start asking questions regularly I may get around to putting you on the list. To make it into the last supper you need to ask a question and link this blog . . . and give me everything you hold dear on this earth.

The event is free. It's wrong to profit off of dirty women groping one another in my opinion.

_____________________________________________________

If the women were clean, then it would cost a buck.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 112

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Peter Collada asks:

If I am a born again virgin out of circumstance, not choice, do i still get to go to heaven?

Blog Jesus answers:

According to the bylaws, if you have gone without nookie (heaven's word - not mine) for six months you go straight to hell. This is why you see a ton of old farts slaving away in the panda pits at Satan's Gulch.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

i've got the butter and the flashlight, but i'm having problems with nighties. should i go out and purchase something new, or would one of my past frederick's purchases suffice?

also, what's your favorite color, so i can narrow down the frederick's offerings to one or two items.

oh- and can we negotiate a little as to my exact position? perhaps i could persuade you to let me occupy a...er...superior position twice weekly?

just checking. i mean, whatever you decide will be fine, as long as digi's still in my benefits package.

Blog Jesus answers:

I like my nighties to be a little bit worn in so go ahead and wear an old woman.

Go with the black one or that other black one.

Okay, you can be superior for one day and parallell for another.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I am going back to school in two weeks. But I need to take a couple of electives. Any suggestions?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Advanced Horiculture and Sodomy in Ancient Austrailia and Why Midgets Deserve Legs


Pops asks:

Beej,

What's with these chicks and their multi-part questions? Why does everything have to be so complicated with them? Can't they say what they want to say in less than 1,000 words? Why can't they... uh... I'll stop there.

Blog Jesus answers:

It's all about attention. If you haven't noticed all the chicks around her dig me. Therefore they bust out more wordage in order to be "seen" a little longer by me.

It would appear you got the same bug. I suggest getting that cleared up pronto.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Are you like Hammer, and are you too legit to quit? B/c I think you are, you sexy thing, you....

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually, I am not like Hammer. I have money and I have my self respect. I am also 2 Legit 2 Quit, not too legit too quit.


Danikabur asks:

I've decided that since I'm in love with you I must now find you and stalk you. Do you think you can help me with that?

Blog Jesus answers:

Come to Indianapolis, Indiana and find the tall guy cussing out a homeless person.


R.U. Serious asks:

Blog to the J,

What the hell is "Sexual Healing", and what does it cure?

Blog Jesus answers:

"Sexual Healing" was a cocaine addled Marvin Gaye's last hit before he was offed by his father. I can tell you it certainly does not cure gunshot wounds.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Did you know you could buy live exotic animals on the internet? How much do you think we could sell Brent for?

Blog Jesus answers:

Did I know? Who do you think started the practice.

Brent would go for maybe $3.50. That "V" really hurts his stock.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Who is the best Canadian ever?

Blog Jesus answers:

Dave Foley, pre-"Celebrity Poker Showdown."

__________________________________________________

Speaking of poker, there's a game I gotta go bust up.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, August 15, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 111

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Big Booyah! asks:

Big J,

Glad to hear you get a cut out of the local church collection plate. You're the Big J -- you took a cross for the team -- you should earn royalties.

Ever thought of developing a new channel then?

How about charging your people, err sorry, your fine, fine people a small stipend to pose their self-serving questions, and impinge on your infinite wisdom for a heightened thought or response?

The Big Booyah!

Blog Jesus answers:

I cannot and will not charge people for my wisdom. Most the advice I give is bad anyway and can only lead to pain and suffering - that is payment enough for me.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

so, about this secretary position- what should i submit with my resume?

also, pantless is no problem- does that put me ahead of most of the other candidates?

would it be possible to work digi into my benefits package? if not, when's the mudwrestling? i need to start training.....

Blog Jesus answers:

Along with the resume I need two sticks of butter, a flashlight and nightie. I'll explain what they are for during the interview process.

If you're willing to go topless as well then there is no other candidates.

I was going to put Mr. Cat in the package then you went and mentioned mud wrestling. Start training - the match is on Friday.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Girls are so pretty. How come girls are so pretty?

Blog Jesus answers:

My hard on got tired of ugly chicks.


Danikabur asks:

Dear Blog J

Why does putting myself in your shrine sound more tempting than the firemen? Is it because I am a glutton for punishment? Or am I *gasp* in love with you?

Oh boy... I've always loved the ones that could make me laugh... I think I must hide for a while from your sick lovely humor.

(While hiding though I will pimp your blog as my penance... only if you pimp mine (three times) though :P)

Blog Jesus answers:

It's love. All the ladies want the Big J.

All the ladies end up hiding from it at some point too.


Duff asks again:

dear blog jesus~

can i stake a claim to you before dani adds you to her harem?

or is that automatically assumed once i take a position underneath you?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's automatically assumed though you won't always be underneath. On the third Wednesday of each month I let my secretary be the Dom.


The RPC asks:

Dear Baby Jesus,

What the hell is frankincense and myrrh? Did Mary put that in a trust fund for you, or did that money just go up her nose?

There's only two things guarenteed in life, and if you didn't pay taxes on those funds, the feds will make that cross look real comfortable.

Sam

Blog Jesus answers:

It's old, having one piece of it makes you fucking real rich hard cash. Mary was into smack, which explains why she rode a donkey while Joseph walked (he was a pill popper). Not to worry that other Mary had the kind of ass that spit gold so I made it all back.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Was it wrong of me to "tap it" with my ex the other night? It seems like the only time I see her is to do so... I mean, her. I feel dirty.

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

What is wrong is that you did not tap it again this morning, have her cook you breakfast, and then after you eat the delicious meal tell her "you know this didn't mean anything right."


Satan asks:

What do suggest for bruising?

Blog Jesus answers:

Turtle shells tied to your fists.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I've been reading too many blogs. Keeping up with everyone seems to be taking more and more of my time. How do I decide which blogs to stop reading?

Blog Jesus answers:

Check and see if they answer questions or recently week from daily to every other day and if not - dump them. Oh and keep the chicks.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What is up with all the blog spam I have been getting??? Can yo u make it go away or smite the people doing it? Thank you!!!

Blog Jesus answers:

I would, but you see Pops is responsible for it and given that he was my first reader I am retardedly loyal to him. Though so long as you save his eyes so he can read my genius feel free to find him and beat the snot out of him.

______________________________________________________

Please Hammer, don't hurt 'em.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, August 12, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 110

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

If you hire Duff as your secretary, will she be required to wear provocative, yet professional, outfits? And can I come over for meetings, if only to check out them legs?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, she will be required to wear provacative, yet professional outfits - except on Fridays, we go pantless in the Blog Jesus offices on Fridays.

I really don't want to see you so I am sure that we can get some pictures of "them legs" to tide you over.


Big Booyah! asks:

Big J,

At Church, they hand around a collection plate... to support the ministry... any thoughts of asking to be paid for this spiritual experience?

The Big Booyah!

Blog Jesus answers:

Oh, I already get 85% percent of that cash. Ten percent then goes to the church and then 5% percent goes to the owners of the Vietnamese children that make the collection plates for slave wages.


The Snakehead asks:

Bloggesus,

I have a final today and I overslept so I forgot to wake up to study. Send some luck my way if you got any to spare, will ya?

Blog Jesus answers:

I looked around and I am fresh out of luck. I should have a new shipment in by Tuesday - until then you be fucked.


HFB asks:

Will the Last Supper House Band be touring soon? I need to know, since I am sure to be asked to be the tambourine player, and I'd like to plan my weekends.

Blog Jesus answers:

The Righteous Camel Toe will be playing select dates in Crawford, Texas over the course of September. Unfortunately they do not need a tambourine player . . . they think tambourine players suck. They have told me they are in the market for a fluffer though.


HFB aks again:

Also, will the dominatrix outfit be supplied, or do I have to bring my own? I don't think Amy Tan had to buy hers, and you don't want to be outdone by Dave Barry.

Blog Jesus answers again:

If you agree to the fluffer position then you can have all the leather those guys can afford.


Danikabur asks:

Did I get the wrong Best Buy?? I just couldn't freakin find her! Is there someone easier to get that would satisfy you? Thats the last part of the shrine I need.. I would really like to finish and get on with... the firemen

Blog Jesus answers:

You must have just missed her. She's still rather spry despite being knocked up. I tell you what if you can get Alex (look at the first blog invited to the last supper) back into the fold then that will be satisfactory. Otherwise you'll have to place yourself on the shrine and give up the firemen.


Danikabur states:

Also Digi is MINE. I will not give him up (despite being extremely freakin busy) without a fight.

Sorry Duff.

Blog Jesus answers:

When did this become the Danikabur Talks about Digitalicat blog? As penance for being off task you owe need to pimp this blog three times on your blog next week.


BMK asks:

If I jab a screwdriver through my face, can I get loads of money from the screwdriver manufacturer or am I destined to be a walking halloween costume?

Blog Jesus answers:

You're not going to get jack shit from the manufacturer for intentionally fucking yourself self up and you'll probably have to settle for being a vegetable rather than a walking Halloween costume.


_____________________________________________________

Trevin Skeens back in da house!

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, August 11, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 109

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

If the road to Hell is paved with good intentions... Should I stop being the hero and start playing the villain? Also, you didn't piss me off about the "tomators", I know the "e" is close to the "r" and someone as important and busy as you has no time for proofreading. Have you considered hiring a secretary (with long legs)?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am ashamed by the fact that you are still playing the hero and haven't started playing the villan. Go do some evil shit pronto.

I just had to dip my last secretary's fingers in acid for that little tomato mistake so I am in the market for a new one. A leggy one would be nice - maybe one with a preference for the camel toe.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Me 'n Radar were gonna meet Hawkeye and Colonel Potter over at the Swamp for some homemade hooch and a long night of five-card draw. Then maybe later we were thinking about looking at some nudist magazines and then maybe fucking some nurses. Wanna come?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would love to, but I got this whole filming of the annual Hot Lips gang bang going on tonight. Rain check?


Danikabur asks:

I can tell Jennifer Garner that I'd never cut the seed of Affleck out since I really enjoy that she is having a child and J-ho isn't. Its like a slap in J-ho's face.

Now can you tell me where to find her. Since she is in hiding I can't find her to tell her that I just want to use the knife to get her in my wagon.

Blog Jesus answers:

She is currently at the Krispy Kreme in Santa Monica. After that she is going to Best Buy to purchase a few dozen copies of "Surviving Christmas" so the Affleck can get erect tonight.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Do you think that J-Lo and Marc Anthony's marriage is going to last? Do you think it's because she's so obviously better looking then him?

Blog Jesus answers:

The marriage is already over. They announced it in Spanish so that will explain why most white blooded Americans have no knowledge of it.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Do Politicians have a special place in hell? If so, what's it like?

signed,

B

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes they do have a special place in hell. It is actually quite posh. Satan is a big campaign booster and many of the politicians do his bidding well so they get hooked up out the ass.


Brent asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Where are these cool hiphop ringtones and how do I get one?

Blog Jesus answers again:

Couldn't tell you. Once I got my Procol Harum "Whiter Shade of Pale" ringtone back in the day I have been quite satisfied and I have had no desire to look into it further.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

the black and red thing you referred to arrived in the mail today. i've got the car battery hooked up, but still can't seem to get it to work. any pointers?

also, i'm not sure i want to mud wrestle danikabur for control of digi. could you just convince her to hand him over?

Blog Jesus answers:

I forgot to tell you that it only functions when you speak to it all slutty like.

I will see what I can do - she's quite tied up with the constant fireman banging on top of her search for Jennifer Garner.


R.U. Serious asks:

Dear Blog to the J,

Red or green?

Blog Jesus answers:

Green by a mile. It's not easy being green and I like people to suffer.


Duff asks again:

dear blog jesus~

i hear you're looking for a secretary. i can spell "tomato" and my legs are long....enough.

Blog Jesus answers again:

So long as you can sport a righteous camel toe - you're in.

_______________________________________________________

Righteous camel toe. That's what I am going to name the Last Supper House Band.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 108

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

This Gatorade tastes like hell. Is it because it's bad or is this actually what Hell tastes like? If it is, I'd be surprised, because I always thought "Riptide Rush" was less "Hell" than "sorta grape".

Blog Jesus answers:

No. You just got some bad Gatorade. Hell actually tastes like Dr. Pepper.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Why did Al Pacino play the main character, a Puerto Rican, in "Carlito's Way"? Was there no Hispanic actor capable of such a role? What is it with Hollywood, anyway?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

The only hispanic actor capable of handling that role was Freddie Prinze and he was sort of very dead. All the other hispanic actors had too many scars on their arms from picking tomators during their "formative" years.

This of course means that Hollywood doesn't dig actors with tomato induced scars.

Sandi asks:

Will I make any money selling my pictures, or am I just pissing in the wind?

Blog Jesus answers:

The only way you will see a dime is if you sell pictures of you pissing in the wind.

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Can you improve my orgasms?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have a series of exercises that can improve your orgasms in several easy steps. I will need to see multiple examples of your orgasms in order to determine which exercises will work for best for you. If you want a quick response just post them on the internet, otherwise just send me the tapes.

Danikabur asks:

Shit no way! If I'd known it was that easy to get a midget guide I totally would have gotten one a long time ago!!

I am having a bit of trouble finding Jennifer Garner.. do you think she is hiding from me?

Also I'd like to second Da Buttahs question: 'can you improve my orgasms?' Not that the firemen aren't getting it done.. I was just thinking that I could devote more time to finding Jennifer Garner if they were even better.. maybe I wouldn't need it as often. Or it could backfire and I'd want it more.... hmmm

Blog Jesus answers:

I know that she is hiding from you. She's afraid that you're going to try and cut the Affleck seed from her womb with a knife. You need to tell her that the knife is not for that purpose, but just to convince her to move her ass over to the shrine you've built for me.

You get no improvement until my shrine is properly Garnered.

Lulu asks:

BJ,

why do they make sparkling water? Is it to remind people that water is not nearly as fun as Sprite or champagne?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually they just know that people go retarded over shitty things that sparkle - hence the popularity of Sprite.

Brent asks:

Beejus,

In the chance that I kill my sister's ex-bf by way of a bumper mouthwash, can you be my character witness? I think that might help my chances of bargaining down to inattentive driving.

Blog Jesus answers:

It all depends on what character you want me to be. I will not act like anyone from the cartoon "Jem," but I am all over invoking any character from "The Gummi Bears."

Ducati Mike asks:

Howdy Jeez,

What's up with these a-holes who do the identity theft...I have one in New York that has tried TWICE now to swindle me...can you like strike all of them down for me? I figured you are all knowing so I don't have to go into specifics on who and where...thanks.

As to the doubting thomas talking about loosing disciples...are you going to smite him for blasphemy or something cool like that?

Blog Jesus answers:

Consider them all victims of the next terrorist attack on New York.

As for the doubting Thomas, she's actually a doubting Thomasita and it's already handled. I have the deed to her home and all her family pictures which I am in the process of buring.

R.U. Serious asks:

Blog to the J

Do you think everyone else posted questions just because they felt bad about yesterday's dearth of questions, like I do?

Blog Jesus answers:

No - you're all heartless motherfuckers. However you are heartless motherfuckers that realize the only way you'll get your future meal ticket aka your children back is to keep asking away.

___________________________________________

Lets see I probably pissed off Dr. Pepper drinkers, Hispanics, Sprite drinkers, and New Yorkers with this one - good day.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 107

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Danikabur asks:

Shit.. now I have to find a Midget guide? Can you point me in the direction I can find one?

Blog Jesus answers:

Just go to the Home Depot and ask for Wallace. When you find him say "I want a very tiny cock" then go back to your car. By the time you get there a midget guide will be in your trunk.


Remy asks:

Intelligent design?? How does he come up with phrases like that???

Blog Jesus answers:

A lot of rum and some alphabet soup.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Will I be America's next American Idol? Or should I just say fuck it, and try to be America's Next Top Model?

Blog Jesus answers:

Skip both and try out for the next American sensation - guess how much fireman dick Danikabur will get now that she has a midget guide.


R.U. Serious asks:

BJ

Jessica Simpson...is her stupidity an act?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, but she doesn't know it. Being southern and having a smoking bod, she was taught to be a ditz and never allowed to show off her smarts. The only way those smarts can be reached is through hypnosis. However, all the hypnosis may do is improve her orgasms. Either way I am paying to watch it.


Nain asks:

Dear blog jesus,why aren't there many comments today? have your followers left you or have they just become lazy?

Blog Jesus answers:

I got bored and kidnapped a lot of disciples kids. I think they may be out screaming into storm drains trying to find them. If they had just thought, why don't we ask Blog Jesus where the damn kids are, then they wouldn't be waist deep in sewer shit right now.

_____________________________________________________

If you're not going to show, you don't get a comment.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, August 08, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 106

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Danikabur asks:

Should I focus all of my energy on getting her? Or should I continue with the firemen in between getting her?

Blog Jesus answers:

You'll need a two seat wheelchair with rear access and a midget guide to make it work, but you can do both.


The Snakehead asks:

People don't believe I'm gay. Why?

Blog Jesus answers:

When you're just a snakehead no one can fucking tell if you're male or female. Get on about grow the rest of your body out to end the speculation.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

you didn't, by any chance, sign me up for a free baby blue thing, did you?

~duff

Blog Jesus answers:

No. I signed you up for the red and black thing that requires a car battery to run properly.


Duff asks again:

dear blog jesus~

in the event you did, should i take it as a suggestion/request?

~duff

Blog Jesus answers:

I would just "take" it and enjoy it. I am sure to hear about it later.


Sandi asks:

So now that your alter ego is scaling back his ridiculously long blog, does that mean that we will get longer thought out answers to our burning questions?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nope.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Duff and Danikabur are going to mud wrestle for ownership of me. How's this all going to end?

Also, I changed my URL. Be a pal and update your link? http://tossedmysalad.blogspot.com

Blog Jesus answers:

It will end in tears for you. Through deals already made so that they could have prime seats at the last supper they have decided to hand over all earthly possession to me. So regardless it ends with me owning your ass.

Btw, I was a pal and changed my link.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I see that I am now invited to the last supper. Should I bring some salsa and chips? Also, was Digitalicat sued by Ann Coulter or threathened in some way to remove her name from the hyperlink?

In Him, as per usual,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually I need you to bring a steel cage so that I can enclose my Mexican help during the last supper so that they don't eat all the chips and salsa.

No. Ironically, Al Franken sued him because he had already had a liberal cook book written with that title.


James asks:

Dear Blog Hey Zeus,

Would it be inappropriate of me to promote my new music project LEND in your blog comments? Also, I challenge you to a friendly game of racquetball.. you in?

Blog Jesus answers:

Jimmy Mod back in the house. Because you're making a long awaited re-appearance I am going to allow you to pimp on my corner just this once. I will curb your ass if I see you doing it tomorrow.

Sure, only if we are playing for something owned by Peter Jennings. His shit is selling like hotcakes on EBAY.


R.U. Serious asks:

Bloggy J

Why does Snakehead think he's gay when he clearly isn't?

Blog Jesus answers:

I need something to fill the void left by the departure of "Queer as Folk."


Serra asks:

http://haloscan.com/tb/serrathescented/112347181017410713

Why on earth do you let things like this breed? And talk?

Blog Jesus answers:

They are like cigarettes in a way. It generates more questions from my loyal disciples and makes me look popular and cool.


BMK asks:

BJ,

What about this evolution thing... I mean yes, Patrick Ewing does look like the missing link, but did I really used to throw my own fecees around with the best of the apes?

and thanks for pointing out my obvious cock power over the ex... I hadn't thought of it that way but you are correct...your wisdom astounds me...

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes you did. Also, throwing shit around is not some primative thing. If you're using the right lighting and the proper grade of film you got yourself some art.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is The Snakehead really gay? Really?

Blog Jesus answers:

I will have to ask after he finishes off sucking off that street hustler.

_______________________________________________

It's time for the Muppet Show tomorrow. Bring your best.



As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, August 05, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 105

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

A friend of mine has lost all hope in Christianity and wants to turn Wiccan... Will I reap any "perks" from her newfound faith (or lack thereof)? And does it offend you that she said, "Jesus wasn't all that great"? Finally, what did she mean by that?

As Always, in Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Since all Wiccans are lesbians, the only perk you get is possibly getting to what her do another chick as part of some ritual.

It doesn't offend me. To be truthful, I bummed $10.00 from her awhile back and promised to pay her back. Well, I never got around to it and now she wants to wear all black and fly around a broom. I will probably give her the money back now because she might turn me into a real pig.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Who am I going to marry?!

Shabbat Shalom!

Blog Jesus answers:

You got some Alan Thicke love coming your way soon.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus, c

Can you please make the redneck racing fans leave Indy? and take their nasty ass lite beer with them?

Blog Jesus answers:

Can't do it. This is the only time of the year that you can get this strong of a whiff of inbreeding. It's wonderfully intoxicating if you let it be.


BMK asks:

Seriously, why does the ex-gal friend lead me on even after 2 yrs of being broke up... tired of her woman tricks and shit...

Maybe Buttah can answer that since she's a chick and all...

Butterfly shrip confuse me... why are they tricky little bastards afterall?

Blog Jesus answers:

You shouldn't be tired of it. You should be proud of the obvious cock power you have over her.

Mainly because I like for people to really think about things when they are eating shrimp.


Lulu asks:

Infinite Warrior,

HOw do you know about my non-panty wearing?

Was that you standing under my window?

Or is it because you are "everywhere"?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have been standing outside your window, but that was after I knew about your non-panty wearing because I am "everywhere."


Danikabur asks:

My dear darling Blog Jesus:

I was absent in the questioning yesturday due to trying to get Jennifer Garner for your shrine. I did not manage it. (Possibly because I was too drunk and then too busy getting it on with the firemen) I did however manage to get Scott Baio.

Should I keep trying?

Again I ask what do I do if I get caught kidnapping her? Do I confess that Jesus made me do it?

Blog Jesus answers:

Never stop trying. I really need those pay per view rights.

Don't say I told you do to it. Blame the Black Panther party.

___________________________________________________________

Everyone go to sleep now, it's Friday night.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, August 04, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 104

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I apologize in retrospect for missing a day without seeking your knowledge... And wisdom. Does it make me a freak, a nerd, or some sort of undesirable that I reference Star Wars in 93% of my blog posts? Is there a woman out there willing to tolerate that? Finally, does she have blue or green eyes?

In Him (as always),

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

It makes you a dreadfully awful freak.

Fortunately there are women with such low self esteem that they will tolerate it.

Those women are blind so it doesn't matter.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Gay marriage. Yay, or nay?

Blog Jesus answers:

As long as they don't get anything on my couch during the post-reception party, yay.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Who is your favorite baseball team?

Blog Jesus answers:

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays. I make a killing betting on the team opposing them night in and night out.


BMK asks:

Hey BJ,

Why the thinning hair... what did I do to deserve this?

You may not have much background on me as I just got to your site through da buttah's by chance... but use your wisdom damn-it...

If you say its just genetics then at least send me a woman that appreciates the Agasi look.

Peace Sign

Blog Jesus answers:

It was masturbating to your aunt's photo collection of puppies that did your hair in. All the women that appreciate the Agassi look are taken, but I have found a woman that digs men who masturbate to puppy pictures and she is on her way.


BMK asks again:

Oh, and why can't babies talk? Don't they know they sound really stupid making those goo goo noises?

Blog Jesus answers again:

My hope was that adults would get pissed at the babies and call them retarded and abandon them for not being able to talk. Unfortunately humanity took over and you people love the non-talking fucks. You failed me big time there.


Johnny Menace asks:

yo Biggie J,

When you redeem that coupon be sure your spiderman techinque is flawless so buttah can get off as well?

Blog Jesus answers:

I don't need the spider-man technique. I got move no one know about that will get the job done.


Lulu states:

Only my pants? Shit, I better throw my panties back on...

Blog Jesus responds:

Woman, you know you don't wear no panties.


The Snakehead asks:

Dear Bloggesus,

I'd like to have a nipple ring. What do you think?

Blog Jesus answers:

Just find a nice girl attached to one and go to town.


Pops asks:

Beej,

The people over at snopes.com tell me that Dick Van Dyke's real name is not Penis Van Lesbian, but I just refuse to believe it. It makes too much sense NOT to be true. Help me out here.

Blog Jesus answers:

Blog Jethro, you sorry, sorry man. His real name is Ass Fuck Steaming Karl.


HFB asks:

Blog Horshack,

Those pants, really? With those shoes? Are you serious?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes. Unlike you, I do not dig dressing like a retard.

________________________________________________________

Roger Dodger.


As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 103

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

I've done the electrodes-on-genitals thing, the funny poses for the camera, the naked human pyramid, the scary mean dogs in the face, the fake menstrual blood, the holy books in the toilet... frankly I'm getting bored with my Unlawful Enemy Combatants. Is there anything else I can do with them that I'm not thinking of?

Blog Jesus answers:

There's plenty you can still do. Here's a few things to try out: fire ants on the scrotum; a waxing the hair off their backs; Bea Arthur.


The Snakehead asks:

Bloggesus,

What the hell is nicotinamide adenine dinucleotide?

Blog Jesus answers:

Don't worry too much about, just remember it keeps your shit moving.


Freethinker states:

Blog Jesus,

Please protect me from your followers!

Amen.

Blog Jesus responds:

I don't think you can produce enough Russian whores fast enough to cover the costs I would incur to actually protect you from this wacky bunch.


The Everglades states:

I'll be sending a life-altering question your way soon.

Blake

Blog Jesus answers:

My ass is clenched in anticipation.


Danikabur asks:

Done!! I already had tons of Jennifer Garner pics! Hmm but you just said plenty of Jennifer Garner... does that mean you actually want her? Cuz I might get in trouble for kidnapping.

Baio? As in Scott Baio?

Peanut butter I can totally do! The stripper poles are on order.

If I'd like can I share some of the firefighters with some of the other female bloggers?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, I meant the actual Jennifer Garner. The pay-per-view rights to her giving birth to the Affleck seed are very important to me.

Yes as in Scott Baio. He is in charge of my days and my nights.

Good.

Nope. You want the cock, you must suffer the cock alone.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem

Why did you curse me with DD boobs? WHY?!!!

Blog Jesus answers:

I find the prospect of future back problems sexy.


Da Buttah asks again:

oh, one more thing

why the fuck am i not on the waiting list for the last supper?!

Blog Jesus answers again:

Well - oh wait you have something else to say.


Da Buttah states:

oh! cause i'm invited.

reneg on that last question Hottie Haschem.

I offer you a redeemable blow job anytime, anywhere for that last question!

Blog Jesus answer:

Thanks, I was running out of coupons for that. I will take any time as meaning in the after life as well.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus - do you think there really is such a thing as waking up on the wrong side of the bed or are some people just bitchy?

Blog Jesus answers:

I believe I have answered this question before but I am too lazy to find my old definitive answer on the subject so I will just state a new definitive answer:

There really is such a thing as waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Have you ever hooked up with a fat girl then ended up sleeping on the side of her bed that slants down hill a five degrees? All I can say is that at some point that blubber is rolling your way so take in a lot of oxygen.


Johnny Menace asks:

Swim with sea lions or not? and why did your dad curse the boy scouts?

Blog Jesus answers:

You may lose a hand in the process, but I definitely recommend swimming with sea lions. Don't sleep with them though, they are jealous lovers.

You just don't go around kicking out queers while wearing queer ass uniforms and expect to live long.


Lulu asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why are some people so attractive and other people not so attractive? And what category do I fall into? I need sympathy, I'm afraid you will tell me it's the latter.

Blog Jesus answers:

I like to make fun of people and I like for people to get disorders because of how they look.

If you're looking for sympathy you've come to the wrong place. However, you look fine, though you would look better in bed with your pants on my floor.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

In the name of God, why did Da Buttah offer you a blowjob? Doesn't she know?

Blog Jesus answers:

No, she did not win that half of the battle and I am better for it, so shut up.

______________________________________________

Ass still clenched in anticipation.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus