Saturday, July 30, 2005

And Now Your Answers - The First One Hundred Days

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday . . . it's alright for . . . answering your questions?

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

R. U. Serious asks:

BJ,

I write my questions to you drunk. Do you answer them drunk?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. Sadly my answers come to you from a stone cold sober diety.


The Snakehead asks:

Bloggesus,

You'll see us bitches tomorrow? But tomorrow is Saturday! Will you really see us bitches tomorrow? I'm getting a hard on just thinking about it.

Blog Jesus answers:

It's Saturday. I am here. Don't ruin all your underwear.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is it really better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

Blog Jesus answers:

Losing is never an option. Avoid it at all costs. Losers are pussies and you don't want to be a pussy. So live with never loving.


Pops asks:

Beej,

If you post your hundredth response-post on a Saturday when nobody is around to read it, does it really exist? Also, that other philosophical question about "one hand clapping", that's about jerking off, right?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes it does, it just means you fuckers have better things to do.

Actually it means jerking off a mentally handicapped shut in.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

It has been truly great to have followed you for the last 40 days, or so... Will you be picking 12 of us to carry on your message for you when you leave to tend to other sheep? If so, will I be one of them?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

You're fucked if you think I am giving up this gig to tend to sheep. You people worship me and the women folk are much better lays than any one of the sheep.


Yoli asks:

Querido Senior Jezuuz...Blog!

How can I make this huge bump on my neck dissapear? I've been working my tooshie off at an angle so people don't see I chat all day at work.

Blog Jesus answers:

You need a funnel, some battery acid, and elmer's glue. I think you can figure out the rest from there.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem

What sound system did you put in your car? Your subwoofer is mad tight!

Blog Jesus answers:

I had car stereo engineers that were unfortunate victims of drive by shootings construct a custom made Jeez Pimp 4050 sound system. It is one of a kind.


Digitalicat asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Any chance you could hook me up with Da Buttah? She is such a hottie.

Blog Jesus answers again:

Does my name say Blog Pimp? I don't shell out my tail.


Daisy Girl asks:

Dear Blog Jeezus,

I have a prayer request... You see, my job blesses me with the ability to deal with morons every day... Could you please help them to see how stupid they really are? If you need help assessing their areas of need, please feel free to see attached blog.

Praise be to you!

And many gracias's

http://operatoroperator.blogspot.com

Blog Jesus answers:

I can help you in this area. What I need you to do provide me with a list of all these people and I will personally send pit bulls to their homes and eat their first born.


Danikabur asks:

Dear Blog Jesus

Clothes should have been stopped from being invented.. I mean how is a girl supposed to know how big a guy is and know that they should just throw that guy away. Cuz really size doesn't matter unless he is really really small.

And

Do I have a curse on me that says I must only get the smaller guys? Cuz really the reason I'm able to masturbate so much (as requested) is because I have to keep throwing the guys away.

Blog Jesus answers:

You're not cursed. You're just running through a big dick dry spell. Don't worry, I have a whole unit of African American firefighters heading your way soon.


Danikabur states:

I've rethought the clothes being stopped from getting invented. Ick there are many I would never want to see without clothes. Still... there should be some way for us to know just by looking if they are worth our time.

Blog Jesus responds:

I would give you my keen x-ray glasses, but they are a one of a kind. All I can recommend is that you cup the crotch of each and every man that you meet right off the bat. If you need to throw them away, you will at least have thrown them away happy.

____________________________________________________

There's a party going on in Heaven feel free to join the fun.


As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, July 29, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Ninety-Nine

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Chronic the Hedgehog asks:

I give people advice all the time. I give really really bad advice and I make fun of the people who ask for it. Does that mean I'm going to hell?... Do I get a +1 pass?... because I probably won't show if I don't get to take a friend. I don't care how cool the show is.

Blog Jesus answers:

First off, you're going to hell for using a beloved character (I think) as an endorser of the pot so you're giving shitty advice only adds to layers to the cake. You can have a + 1 pass, but you need to find a pure ass Christian to bring with you.


R.U. Serious asks:

Jeezinator,

Since your Jewish, will you have to smite yourself for working on the sabbath?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am not Jewish. I just have a big nose and I am cheap so there is no need to smite myself.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Is it worth my effort to learn Chinese? Could you suggest a better, easier language to learn (that is attractive to the ladies)?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

There are like five billion Chinese people so more than enough of the human population knows the language.

I would go with pig latin. It may not be attractive to the sober chicks, but the drunk chicks will dig it.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Can you smite RU Serious for totally ripping off my question that I asked TWO DAYS AGO? He obviously doesn't pay any kind of attention to anyone else's submissions. I am offended and I demand justice.

Blog Jesus answers:

How can I smite a man that offends you Blog Jethro? If anything, he should get a prime seat at the Last Supper.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem,

I recently was told to fuck off by a guy, which has in turn made me the happiest bitch ever; however, I don't want to give him the appearance that this has made me insanely happy for strategic female purposes. Regardless, how did you make his penis so small? Was it a bet? Can you make it smaller?

Shabbat Shalom!

Blog Jesus answers:

I used Asian midgets to construct the thing on a whim. If I can find some smaller Asian midgets, then yes.


Ducatimike asks:

Da JEEZ,

I have this LONG couch in my apartment that I don't know how I even got in there in the first place. Currently I can't get it out of there. It's too long to go through the front door. I believe it's too heavy to slide over the railing...I live on the second floor.

How do I get it out of my apartment?

Thanks.

Blog Jesus answers:

The only way to get it out is if you burn down everything around it. It's very important that you do not remove any of your own things while doing this. They must burn too in order to speed up the process of getting the couch out.


Johnny Menace:

Aiyo Biggie J,

Where is satan's blog so i can get a diffrence in a opinion?

Blog Jesus answers:

Go straight about three miles. Take a left turn at Assville Lane . Turn right on Fuck Off Avenue and go about four blocks and you'll be nearby the gay brothel he runs from his basement.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why do you keep showing up on episodes of the hit FX show "Rescue Me"?

Blog Jesus answers:

Dennis Leary is my nigga.


The Snakehead asks:

Bloggesus,

Titties or penis?

Blog Jesus answers:

Hmmmm . . . tough one - not really, titties all the way.

____________________________________________________

See you bitches tomorrow.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, July 28, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Ninety-Eight

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Danikabur asks:

Masturbating could prevent many things. I mean really if it can get rid of kittens (even though it didn't rid R.U. Serious of his kitten) then of course it can prevent global warming! If people are too busy pleasing themselves then they can't do the things that cause global warming.

Hmm... Off to go prevent global warming. Be back when its break time.

Why weren't we made so that our arms don't get tired when we masturbate? That way we could just do it over and over again.

Blog Jesus answers:

I wanted to prevent mass outbreaks of carpal tunnel syndrome.


Sandi asks:

What is the best way to insult you?

Blog Jesus answers:

Probably by using a flip book.


Lisa asks:

screw the last supper, how does one get invited to breakfast?

=)

Blog Jesus answers:

Get drunk enough to think it's a good idea to come home with me the night before.


Johnny Menace asks:

Aiyo Biggie J,

Is RU serious masturbating to the wrong kitten?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nope. I just really think its adorable when the little thing shits on his carpet.


G.D. asks:

How come we don't talk about THE BAND anymore?

Blog Jesus answers:

Well the "Last Waltz" was re-released on DVD about a year ago and that story didn't have legs.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Where did Jimmy Mod go?

Blog Jesus answers:

He moved to Indiana then was promptly thrown out of a moving vehicle and into a river never to be seen again.


Snakehead asks:

Bloggesus,

I had a dream last night that you're blowing me right in the middle of last supper.

What's that mean? Are you really gonna blow me?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. The dream obviously means you have an unhealthy fascination with me and as a result, I can only reccomend that you give me all your money.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

When you ask a girl to leave your life forever, and she doesn't... Is it okay to give her "mercy cake" once in a while? Or will it just string her along? (This IS a single chick, by the way. I know, you're shocked.)

Blog Jesus answers:

Stuff the mercy cake down her pie hole daily, nightly and ever so rightly.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem

Johnny Menace is mean, yet hot. Can you just lovingly smite him?

Blog Jesus answers:

One order of puppies licking his balls coming up.


Ducatimike asks:

Well "pooping" this morning...if you can call it that was interesting to say the least. Thanks for the enema...I probably needed it.

Since masturbation seems the theme these days. If masturbating kills kittens are we going to be help liable at the "pearly gates" when the time comes.

Blog Jesus answers:

For the last time people. None of you are making it to heaven. Accept that you are hellbound and live in decadence.


Johnny Menace asks again:

Aiyo Biggie J,

In my defense she just wants me smited because i read bible verses to her while preforming a clevland steamer on her. Is that so wrong? and is it gay to say "toot toot!" at the end?

Blog Jesus answers:

It was only wrong if you were reading from a children's bible.

Yes, saying toot toot was extremely gay.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Should I learn to the harmonica or the drums?

Blog Jesus answers:

All the tricks say your banging is fine but your blowing needs work so go with the harmonica.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What in God's name is "mercy cake"?

Blog Jesus answers:

Your husband calls it mercy sex when he's out drinking with the guys.


Daisy Girl asks:

Dear JEEZUS,

Could you offer some other suggestions on how we can assist with the global warming crisis? I tried your method last night, but it's still hotter than hell here. Do I need to include the neighbor on this mission, too?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, all your hot female neighbors. You also need to tape it and send it to me.

Lab Boy explains:

The only reason men go to parties is women. There is always cake at parties. So the only reason men go to parties is that they get some cake. And cake has morphed to become equivalent with sex. Ergo, "mercy cake" = "mercy sex"

Blog Jesus chimes in:

He thinks like your husband SJ.

____________________________________________

Man, I have to work on Saturday. What a sucker.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Ninety-Seven

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

Does your rabbi know that you intend to work on Saturday? Even you have to respect the shabbat, don't you?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am sure he got the memo. I respect absolutely nothing but myself . . . some times. A lot of times I tend to suck.


Daisy Girl asks:

Blog Jeeezus,

How come you are celebrating at 100 days and not a multiple of 40? I thought 40 was your "magic" number.

Blog Jesus answers:

That's a regular Jesus thing. Blog Jesus is the new hotness and at Blog Jesus' house we celebrate things in increments of 100.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Does Lab Boy seem to be obsessed with sleeping with other people's girlfriends or wives, or am I just imagining that?

Blog Jesus answers:

You're not imagining it. The dude is a poon hound for the already committed.


Jess asks:

BJ:

Did you miss me? No, don't answer that, dammit.

Why did my email address at my new job have to be so damned stupid? Do the email goons hate me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Uh, yeah, I realized that you were gone.

Yes, the goons hate you. You would have been alright with them, but you had to go and eat last piece of cake at the leatherfest.


Danikabur asks:

Blog Jesus,

What would you like me to say about masturbating? I feel I must listen to you but am not sure of what to say about it. Other than boy am I glad that if there isn't a man around I can please myself.

Blog Jesus answers:

Your statement is fine. But I also think you should discuss how masturbating may just prevent global warming.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Why is everyone so judgmental of me? And will God be the same way toward me on judgment day? And will you be there to play "Lab Boy's Advocate"?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Your daily appearances in court sort of give people the right to be judgmental. God won't be that way because as you know already, you're going to hell with me and everyone else.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem,

If the per annum deduction on my tax return is 12% of my total property tax and salary, due to the finite perspective of my tax braket not changing.....how much money will my tax return be?

Keep on Keepin' On

Blog Jesus answers:

$1.99 + an audit and the repossession of your dildo collection.


Ducatimike asks:

So since the aliens aren't going to be abducting me anytime soon...can you just make me rich already?

This whole waiting till I'm old thing isn't going to work for me.

Blog Jesus answers:

If I made you rich, then I would have to make everyone rich and then there would be too many pompous asses and no one to pick on.


Eeky asks:

Could you tell Mr. DucatiMike that we had him "over" last night? Yes, he probably can't tell now, but wait until he uses the potty.

Blog Jesus states:

Hey Ducatimike, Eeky says you got a probe in your ass.


G.D. asks:

Could you cure my multiple personality disorder?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would, but your third personality brided me not to and you now don't have the cash to make me change my mind.


Johnny Menace asks:

Aiyo Biggie J,

What is your favorite movie about you? I'm guessing the Life of Brian.

Blog Jesus answers:

It is actually "D.C. Cab."

_______________________________________________________

It is still hump day when you work on Saturday?

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Ninety-Six

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem.

Fellatio..tonight?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sure, I can catch the repeat of "Amazing Race" at 11:00 p.m.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I can't get Dear Abby to write me back, probably because she's dead and all, so I need you to settle this argument: what's more offensive, "cunt" or "poontang"?

Blog Jesus answers:

Neither word is especially offensive. Cunt is probably worse, because "women" say it is and therefore you are more likely to end up with a knife in your chest if you throw the word about. Personally, I am offended by the word vagina. That just sounds messy. Poontang sounds like a ride and cunt is easy to use in rap lyrics - vagina sounds like the squishy interior of a human being and have you looked at your insides. Fucking gross.


Johnny Menace asks:

Aiyo Biggie J,

Why do jewish girls give the best head? and then it stops after marriage.. is this the work of satan?

Blog Jesus answers:

Hitler has a lot to do with it. I am not going farther with this one, so just ponder on it. And it's probably not what you think.

Satan does like to see people married and miserable, but it's actually Mickey Rooney who is pulling those strings.


Sandi asks:

So at the end of last month you are going to work on a Saturday? Cool, how do I get back there to see the post?By the way July 31, Sunday is my birthday, not that any of you bitches care.

Blog Jesus answers:

Find the body of my now dead can't type for shit secretary and have her point you out to the time machine that also takes you to an alternate universe where I worked at the end of June.

Had you not pointed that mistake out, I was going to have a big party in your honor. Now all you get is the clap.


Satan asks:

I could only manage to draw Phyllis with one testicle. Is this OK?

Blog Jesus answers:

While I prefer my Diller with both of her boys, the fact that you spent all this time working on that picture tells me . . . you really need to get out more.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Two of my friends are fighting over the same girl. Will I stealing her away settle the matter or make things worse?

In Him (for five more days),

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

It won't settle the matter and it will make things worse . . . but to your advantage. You will no longer have two friends, which means more time to bone your new lady friend.


R. U. Serious asks:

Blog to the J

How about you take the kitten so you can watch her shit on your carpet?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nah. It's only cute when it shits on your carpet.


Ducatimike asks:

So you're pretty close with your dad right?

ARE there any other planets with life on 'em? If so can you tell 'em to hurry up and invade already?

Blog Jesus answers:

Of course there is other life out there. However, closest world life is full of aliens with alzheimers and they keep forgetting where they put the key battle cruiser that would fly the invading horde to our little world.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What is with the heat wave over here in Indiana? Can you make it go away?

Blog Jesus answers:

I like my eggs fried on the street. They are delicious when prepared in that manner. Don't worry, I also tire of the eggs quickly and have decided to make Indiana more San Diego like for the next few days.


Danikabur asks:

You crack me up!!

Blog Jesus:

Should I keep masturbating in the hopes that you DO kill R U Serious's kitten? Even though you said you wouldn't since you think its cute.

Blog Jesus answers:

I would keep masturbating and talking about it on here so that I finally get big ratings in the key 18-1000 male demographic that I have been clamoring for. Seriously, I am like two dudes away from a beer sponorship.

___________________________________________________

Mr. Coors, please return my call.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, July 25, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Ninety-Five

If you can count then obviously you see that "Ask Blog Jesus" is closing in on its 100th day of making your world right again. If I were going to abide by my regular schedule then that day would fall a week from today. But because I don't you kids freaking out all weekend waiting for the 100th day to arrive, I am going to work on the weekend. That's right, on Saturday, June 30th, Blog Jesus will be bringing the heat. I really want to help on that day, so you guys bring your A game, and you girls get out of the question and bring whatever game your man allows you to have. With that, lets get today started proper:

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Blackops states:

rotflmao!!!!

Blog Jesus responds:

You should really get that cough looked at, I don't want no lungers in this here blog.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Do you prefer totally bald, or a landing strip?

Shabbat Shalmon my studly one!

Blog Jesus answers:

I actually prefer a happy face with a top hat.


Blackops asks:

Hey B,

Dont I know you?

Blog Jesus answers:

Everyone "knows" me, thats why I get more stalkers and groupies knocking on my door than Cheech Marin.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Can you believe you've been doing this shit for 95 days?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually no. My continued popularity actually causes me create concern for the future of humanity.


Johnny Menace asks:

Aiyo Biggie J,

Ever cock slapped anyone?

Blog Jesus answers:

Only once. I was fighting Patrick Swayze in a henhouse and I just grabbed a rooster and swung. I hit Swayze so hard that he forgot all about signing on for "Next of Kin" two weeks later.


Sandi asks:

Do we all get a party when you get to 100?

Did you miss me?

Yes I obviously am a glutton for punishment.

Blog Jesus answers:

If you want to throw a party and get together feel free to do so. I plan on washing my hair around that time.

About as much as I miss "T.J. Hooker."

Yes you are.


Pops asks:

Beej,

You're going to abandon us when your community service is up, aren't you?

Blog Jesus answers:

I was actually, then I went and ran over that old lady while driving a golf cart down a hotel hallway and got more community service. You fuckers are stuck with me for six to eight more weeks.


Brent asks:

Beejus,

Do they play Foreigner songs in heaven?

Blog Jesus answers:

Not in regular heaven. They do play it in ear bleed heaven.


The Diva asks:

Dear Blog Jesus

Now that I've quit coffee, I've become a wino. Should I start smoking again since it's not so cool to drink without smoking?

Blog Jesus answers:

Not only should you start smoking agian, but you need to get back on the fee. Repeat after me, marginally dangerous vices are good.


R. U. Serious asks:

Dear Blogger Jeebus

With all the additional masterbating I have got people doing, how do you keep missing the little fucking kitten that shits on my carpet?

Blog Jesus answers:

I happen to think kittens that shitting on carpet is cute. It stays.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

How serious do you take that whole "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife"? And is he really my neighbor if he lives in another town? How far away is far enough for him not to be my neighbor? Also, is it a good idea to "covet" her, if you catch my drift?

Blog Jesus answers:

That's actually a typo. It should read "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's TV Guide." Covet the wife all over the place, it doesn't matter how far away you have to go to do it.


Kenna asks:

Jesus,

how did you get to be so goddam funny?

Blog Jesus answers:

Staff writers and heroin.


Snakehead asks:

Dear Bloggesus,

..........................

Blog Jesus answers:

Finally, you have said something interesting.


Ducatimike states:

riverside huh? I'm from San Diego.

Blog Jesus responds:

Then go visit Pops, he loves it when strangers come knocking on his door. Just stay the fuck out of my currently overcooked state of Indiana.


Satan asks:

I don't know what to draw??

Blog Jesus answers:

Try this: Phyllis Diller with testicles.


Junegirl asks:

Will it ever be ok to let him treat me this way?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. No one should spend that much money on one person.


Krull asks:

My brother, Brent, keeps stealing my material for his blog. Is there anything I can do about it?

Blog Jesus answers:

Such a punishment can only be paid by taking his car and making it your own. That means pissing in it by the way.


Ducatimike asks:

did marilyn manson really get "it's" front two rib removed so he fellato himself. I heard that somewhere.

Also I REALLY want to bone this older chick that I know who has big bazongas. Is it possible?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. He got is dick enlarged so that he doesn't even have to bend down.

Nope. Her knowledge of your smell prevents it.

________________________________________________________

I will reveal all my secret memos.


As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, July 22, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Ninety-Four

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Johnny Menace asks:

Aiyo Biggie J,

Every girl i sleep with screams your name and your old man's name and its frustrating... i mean can't they scream my name... i usely end the night giving them a donkey punch to the back of the head to shut them up. Is there any one you or your father haven't slept with? what techinque can i use to have them scream my name?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have not slept with the Olsen twins. Their uber wholesomeness seemed so very unwholesome to me.

As for the screaming your name thing, find a woman that is not hard up for dick and actually cares for you.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

What can I do "when the spirit is willing but the body is weak"?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Find a dealer that sells Viagra.


Wirthy asks:

Blog Geez, you look a lot like Mark Harmon.

Are you upset that Kirstie Alley is no longer the piece of ass she was in that movie "Summer School?"

Blog Jesus answers:

Not really. I sort of enjoy the adventure of getting lost in her fat and finding an Emmy in one of the rolls.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Deal with the venemous otters. Question: Is it a sin that Johnny Menace has stolen my maple brown sugar oatmeal, slabbed it on his cock, only for my precious dog to lick off while he gets off? I don't think so, but I want to make sure.

Blog Jesus answers:

Anytime you waste oatmeal it is a sin. I consider this a waste of oatmeal. Had he used a raccoon as a sex toy then it is in the no sin zone.


Johnny Menace asks again:

Aiyo Biggie J,

i'd like to state in my defence its hard to find new ways of sinning everday. And is it ok for buttah to engage in sexual oatmeal activities with her cat but ignore her dog? shouldn't one like buttah be open to all animals when it comes to beastality?

Blog Jesus answers again:

Using the cat is not sinful. My Bible is quite clear, any kind of pussy on pussy action is a-okay. Really, in terms of bestality, the only animals that are good are cats, horses, and gardener snakes.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is it okay that I've never screamed "OH, BLOG JESUS!" while having sex?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sure . . . if you like to hurt feelings of people that like you.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Do you ever feel, not so fresh?

Blog Jesus answers:

Only once. I forgot to take the mashed potatos out of my pockets and wore the same pants the next day unwashed. That smell grows on you and makes you feel a bit dirty.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

Something doesn't feel right. Why is that? And what will make it better?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's the new panties you're wearing.

No panties should clear the problem up real quick.


Satan asks:

Jesarse

Just to be controversial;

Why are you such a dumbarse?

Blog Jesus answers:

Blood loss through the hands and feet is a real bitch to come back from.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Why do foreigners always have to spell shit wrong? What's with all the extra E's ("shite") and U's ("humour")? They're fucking with us, aren't they?

Blog Jesus answers:

If by us, you mean the residents of Riverside, California, then yes. No one likes anyone from that God foresaken town.

________________________________________________________

Giblets.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, July 21, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Ninety-Three

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I'm house-sitting for my adoptive family. What would be a good "welcome home" gift?
]
In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jeus answers:

A crazy ass homeless man to act as their personal doorman.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

So you say that you enjoy beating orphans...do you also enjoy beating old ladies?

Blog Jesus answers:

Only if they take out their false teeth.


BJ asks:

BJ,

Do you really kill a kitten everytime we masterbate?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, if you're serious about control the pet population.


Pops asks:

Beej.

Is it weird that I can't masturbate unless I kill a kitten first? It seems weird.

Blog Jesus answers:

It's normal to need something to cue the urge. I need the "Who's the Boss" theme song on before I can start.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Can you shoot a lightening bolt into the ass of someone i designate? Just maybe 10 times till he sees the error in his ways, and i can then go about my life knowing I at least made him suffer? Okay...at least till I piss myself laughing?

Blog Jesus answers:

Lightening is overrated. How about I launch venomous otters at him instead.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What ever happened to Willis from Different Strokes?

Blog Jesus answers:

After squatting in Dana Plato's apartment after she died for about six months, Todd Bridges went on to star in a Spanish soap opera. However, because the soap opera made complete sense, Spanish viewers shunned it. He was out of a job for awhile, but recently started a new career as a hype man for Biz Markie.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Blog Jesus?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sometimes even I don't know.

______________________________________________________

Experts often call these answers amateurish.


As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Ninety-Two

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Swayer asks:

Dearest Blog Jesus,

I'm trying to decide on an apartment for my new job in Texas. Should I go with the 2 bedroom/2 bath or 2 bedroom/1.5 bath?

STP

Blog Jesus answers:

My adage is you will always need two places to shit, but not two places to shower.


Larry asks:

I really, really need a new job. Can you help me decide between coal mining and a seat on the Supreme Court? Thanks in advance.

Blog Jesus answers:

Coal mining gives you access to dynamite and I need me a lot of dynamite for fireworks show I am going to put on for deaf, blind cripples. Take that one.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is there some magic word I can use to get women to show me their breasts?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have found uttering the name Waylon Jennings has been mighty effective.


Brent states:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Hook me up with some winning lottery numbers... stat.

Blog Jesus answers:

1-2-3-4-5-6.

You may laugh at that, but you just wait until the six year old that wins the lotto recalls using those numbers and becoming shit on the homeless rich.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Tanner? I can't get any tanner! If I did, I would be black! In that, will other parts of me become like those of a black man? (I'm talking "down there", not that I need any help... But still, I'm no black man.)

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, you will have a more bootylicious ass.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

When was the last time you played a practical joke on someone? What did you do?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yesterday. I told some orphan I was his daddy and that gave me the right to beat him. So I did. Then when my hand hurt too much to continue I said just kidding and walked away.


KrullKrusher asks:

I want to start a band once I get good on the geetar. Can you direct me to some good recorder and sand block players?

Blog Jesus answers:

Try Ms. Smart's third grade music class. There are some fucking prodigies in there.


Jerry asks:

Yo BJ

What's up with these con-men using your name to do horrific things to our fellow beings...like bilk the poor out of their last cent and ludicris acts by nutjobs in established con-artist religions like Scientology and Mormonism...you can give me the short version if you need to.

Blog Jesus answers:

They are being effective employees and making me a ton of cash.


Satan asks:

Hey Jesarse

I'll flip you, heads you get the Mormon's, tails I don't. I'll jello wrestle you and two nubile young female librarians (you know, the one's who take off their glasses and let down their hair and become instant hotties) for the Scientologist's though.

If you could live like a james bond super villian, who'd it be?

Blog Jesus answers:

First off, I only play paper, rock, scissors while covered in jello.

Probably Pussy Galore.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Does this look infected to you?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nah, the festering just means its healing funny.


Johnny Menace asks:

Aiyo Biggie J,

Why did you let Hollywood make Rocky V? And will revelations start in Hollywood or in Florida? I would like to have a running start.

Blog Jesus answers:

It was the best way to get Tommy Morrison AIDS.

It will actually start in Idaho, so no one will notice it for like a week and a half.


Da Buttah states:

Hottie Haschem.

Pass the 40, yo.

Blog Jesus answers:

I only drink 60's so if you're willing to step up and down the son of bitch, here you go.


Ducatimike asks:

My sincerest and most humble appologies for neglecting you yesterday......

WHERE is the end of the rainbow and why did you make it "over there"...also what kind of software rendering do you use to make the ocean so real...hollywood I'm sure want's to get a hold of it...you could make some good cash.

Blog Jesus answers:

The end of the rainbow is actually also in Idaho and you'll get so bored trying to find it "over there" next to the potato that you will never find it.

I just modified an Atari. Hollywood has called and I have flipped them off.


Jess asks:

BJ:

Will my first day at my new job be productive or just a wash?

Blog Jesus answers:

A complete and utter wash. You'll probably want to quit by 11:00 a.m.


HFB asks:

Blog Horshack,

What's up with Jerry? And do these pants make Pops ass look infected?

AND ...

Wouldn't it be hee-styrical if Jess' new job was at a carwash?

Blog Jesus answers:

If you're talking about Garcia - he's dead. If you're talking about Jerry from "Tom & Jerry" fame, he's making time with that duckling he saves from time to time.

All pants make Pops ass look infected.

Not really.

___________________________________________________

John Roberts? Most boring SC justice name ever.


As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Ninety-One

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Johnny Menace asks:

Aiyo Biggie J,

If heaven is all about getting through the doors then all i have to do is worry about St. Peter. What does it take to get St. Peter to put you on the list?

Blog Jesus answers:

For years now he has been happy just to get a copy of a 1970's snuff film, but I can tell he is getting bored with that. I would try something new like photos of pandas ravaging small Asian towns.


Larry asks:

Do you wear anything under the robe? If not, where do you pack the peanut butter?

Blog Jesus answers:

I wear a very comfortable leisure suit under my robe in case the ladies want to go clubbing. The peanut butter is always in my left back pocket.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I have a sty in my eye... Lupus? Is it lupus?!

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

You actually have a severe case of Tanner.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus,

not as bendable? according to whom?

Blog Jesus answers:

You're still plenty bendable, but you've lost a degree or two. No one can notice as of yet, except for me. I have a good eye for such things.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I really don't want to fuck Jude Law, but it looks like he's working his way through everybody, which means he's going to get to me eventually. Short of killing myself, what's the best way to avoid celebrity-anglo-sodomy?

Blog Jesus answers:

Ass glue and a steady trigger finger.



Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem,

Sorry about the soul selling thing, I am a lawyer afterall. Question: Liberal, Conservative, or a Moderate inbetween? And is abortion really that bad?!

Blog Jesus answers:

Moderate is the preferred way to go, but it is not any fun at all. You know you get to watch a silly war if you just maintain the Liberal/Conservative status quo.

Only when done in my bathroom. That is one hell of a mess to clean up.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Are you the reason behind this whole humidity thing? B/c it sucks!

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, I am behind it. It is a lesson to all women that you're wasting your time working so hard on your hair and make up.

_____________________________________________________

More nooners to follow.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, July 18, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Ninety

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

R. U. Serious asks:

Hey Blog J,

Do you like my idea for a full contact version of Iron Chef?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is a splendid idea. So splendid that I have claimed it for myself and already sold the rights. Don't worry, I have left you plenty of jack shit as a reward for being such a great thinker.


Larry asks:

Some friends are trying to tell me that Evil doesn't always win. What do you think?

Blog Jesus answers:

Evil wins 99% of the time. The only reason it doesn't win all the time is because Evil is a sucker for underdog sports teams pulling one out at the last second from time to time. Seriously, if you want to see Evil cry, watch "Hoosiers" with it.


Sandi asks:

I have hurricane Emily barreling down on my location, should I evacuate, or be one of those brave dumbasses and stay put?

Blog Jesus answers:

Be brave. Actually be beyond brave and hold a picnic when the hurricane hits.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem

Full contact iron chef would ROCK! Not sure if that'll change your opinon on it. ANYWAY, today my question is: if i offered you my soul, would you let me fuck johnny depp for 40 minutes in the back of a volkswagon beetle?

Blog Jesus answers:

I believe this is the second time you have offered your soul for something. I don't need your soul, by visiting her, I already got it. I will grant you your wish, but I need video rights and you need to wear a camera in an uncomfortable place.


Ducatimike asks:

Oh Lord Jesus,

If I give you MY soul can I join Depp and the Butta?

I think deep down she really wants some backdoor action.

Blog Jesus answers:

Again, already got your soul. And I am offended that you could say that Johnny Depp is a female and want butt sex with him.


Jess asks:

BJ:

Are penguins are friends?

Blog Jesus answers:

Only the ones with more white than black. Those predominantly black ones are scary.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

What is the best way to tell a rather large girl that a small tank top with the words "Bitch" is not proper hospital attire?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

A left hook has been effective for me in such situations.


Johnny Menace asks:

If John Stossel and Gelardo fought to the death for your love, who would die and how?

Blog Jesus answers:

Stossel would go down. Either Geraldo would go all Latin on him and choke him with a burrito or the stache would engulf his face and that would be the end of him.


Satan asks:

Jesarse,

I finally had cause to, as you would say, pimp your blog on mine. You can blame -g.d for her incessant drivel.

Does this 'dirty comment whore strapped to the back of a donkey on her way for some hill-billy hanky-panky' feeling ever go away?

Blog Jesus answers:

Every now and then, but like herpes she comes back fast and furious.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

does being a year older make me more, or less, attractive?

Blog Jesus answers:

More attractive. You may not be as bendable, but you're at least dependable.


G.D. states:

Dear BJ,

You owe me...I've finally gotten under Satan's skin and here, he comes to YOU for assistance. You know what I want...pay up.

Satan- Be at ease. I'll grow on you...like fungus.

Blog Jesus answers:

Okay, but I am not sure that I can get three eskimo drag queens at this hour.


Snakehead asks:

Dear Bloggesus,

I don't feel like blogging anymore.

Why?

Blog Jesus answers:

Because blogging is a pathetic excuse to try and connect with other humans and you are obviously way to pathetic to even be at that level.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Who stole my stash? I promise not to hurt them, but I just want to know.

Blog Jesus answers:

I would look toward the lady with the potato for a head.

___________________________________________________________

Farting is a sport in South Korea.


As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, July 15, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Eighty-Nine

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Buckbuckmew asks:

sleeping with your brother is a sin, yet god made 2 people, Adam and Eve.... they had 2 sons and 3 daughters.... so who the hell boned who and why??!!

Blog Jesus answers:

You can't really tell who boned who because they are all just crawling all over each other. Things were being stuck into other things and the sweat just burned the eyes . . . even from a distance. Then they got the goat.


R. U. Serious asks:

Jesus of Bloggerbeth,

Did you know that da Buttah thinks it's hot when guys tell her about their most recent shit?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am the one that turned her onto the thing. So, yes.


Yoli asks:

Senior Blog Jezus,

Why is my 64 year old boss is so sneaky and snoopy and keeps looking at my ass? Why you just take him away already?

Blog Jesus answers:

The man doesn't have many erections left. Allow him to enjoy your ass. Until that happens, the dude's stuck on Earth.


Sandi asks:

Of course I wake him up first!!

Now on to a new day. Should I start my own biz? What should I call it?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes. I think Cat Sandals speaks for itself.


Jerry asks:

blog jesus...why are you so busy and the rest of us just dream someone might comment on our blog.... just once?

and I saw Jessica Hahn on Larry King tonight why did you send her there all fucked up on booze and obviously Jammin' on her doggie's meds?

Just wonderin'

Blog Jesus answers:

I am freaking hilarious and insightful. You guys . . . well frankly suck.

She doesn't have anything interesting to say. The drugs allow her to talk about donkey spiders and shit - always entertaining.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Did you know i think it's NOT hot when guys tell me about their most recent shit, but i do find it extremely amusing? Anyway, back to my question--dinner at my place..7pm.....clothing optional.....can you bring the wine?

Blog Jesus answers:

All I got is water, but I think I can do something with that.


Ducatimike asks:

What can you do about my supervisor?...she hit's on me all the time. She's married.

Blog Jesus answers:

Tap that ass. Breaking up a marriage sex is the best sex of all.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

Eggdrop or Wonton?

Blog Jesus answers:

Eggdrop fucks with my innards less so I am going with that.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I guess there's still good in me. Have you ever gone to the Dark Side?

Best Regards,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Every time that I enter a leather shop, which is each and every Saturday at 10:00 a.m.

_____________________________________________________________

Potter goes on sale tonight. Tell the Pope "fuck you" and go buy that and the "Da Vinci Code."


As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, July 14, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Eighty-Eight

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Darth Paquinius asks:

Blog Geez,

Is this whole "Turning to the Dark Side Because She's Getting Married Thing" really a good idea?

As Always,

Darth Paquinius, aka Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

It is a excellent idea. Nothing will get the attention of a person you love more than becoming a shell of the lovely and vibrant individual that you once were.


R. U. Serious asks:

Dear Lord of the Blog

How do you keep your pimp hand strong?

Blog Jesus answers:

Backhanding sides of beef ala Rocky.



G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

What is the point of changing your blogging personality, if you still refer to your old one?

Do you mind when people use your comment forum to advertise their blogs?

Is there justice?

Blog Jesus answers:

It allows for readers of the old personality to become overly concerned and up his number of visitors because people will be seeing if he offed himself.

No. People need to see where inferior products are.

Yes. She's a great stripper in the Dallas/Fort Worth area.


Sandi asks:

Why can I not make my co-worker understand that sleeping is for at home, and not at work?

Blog Jesus answers:

Have you tried waking the person up when you bitch at him?


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem,

When pimp slapping--do you baby powder first? Also, where did you get those slammin rims?

Blog Jesus answers:

Baby powder does not touch these hands. Plus it could leave trace evidence that you did actually slap that bitch.

I got the rims at Eazy-E's real estate auction. They were the only thing I believed was AIDS free.


Jess asks:

BJ:

When? Where? How? Why?

Blog Jesus answers:

August 3, 2007; Your kitchen; rabid penguins; multiple an affair with the panda guy.



Ducatimike asks:

Does the whole morning wood thing HAVE to continue or can you just put a stop to now?

Blog Jesus answers:

It has to continue. I love waking up in the morning and screaming Boner!



Mr.Gumby2u asks:

Bejeesus,

That whole salt on slugs thing; was that designed to be entertaining, or is it just a happy accident that it is? It's like fireworks in slow motion and without the flame.

Blog Jesus answers:

Sort of an accident. I was really fucking stoned one night and decided what they hell, why not eat a slug. Well, I put salt on everything, as everybody should do and so naturally I put salt on the slug and the rest is history.


The Snakehead asks:

Dear Bloggesus,

I told me teacher 1 + 1 = 3, and she hit me with a ruler.

What should I do?

Blog Jesus answers:

Learn simple math, you ruler beaten dumbass.


___________________________________________________

And the Emmy goes to . . . . some dude . . . who fucking cares.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Eighty-Seven

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Larry asks:

What should I do with these "courtesy checks" my credit card company keeps sending me? I have enough credit to live like a king in Rio, but I would be unable to make any of the payments.

Blog Jesus answers:

You should go live like a king, but not in Rio. Find a small village in the Amazon to rule over by entrancing people with your riches. If any collectors come after your fat cash, you can feel safe in knowing that the tribal men are really fucking good with spears.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Does the Establishment Clause of the United States Constitution protect you from government, or the government from you?

Best,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

It actually protects the people from the government and me. If we both were allowed to do all the shit we could do - you'd be fucked.


R. U. Serious asks:

Dear Blog to the J

Beef or chicken?

Blog Jesus answers:

Eating beef nowadays can make you insane, so obvious - beef.



Pops asks:

Beej,

Why have I been sick for 3 weeks straight? I'm sure I'm being punished, but I can't think of anything that warrants this kind of annoyance. It can't just be because of the masturbation, can it?

Blog Jesus answers:

Masturbation is the reason for your prolonged sickness, but it has nothing to do with you and "yourself" and everything to do with you and your dog's "yourself."


Da Buttah asks:

Wassup Haschem?

One question today: how many times did mariah carey sell her soul to the devil?

Blog Jesus answers:

Well, you only need to do it once, but her record for doing so is ten times. Drugs are a big ole' bitch.


Ducatimike asks:

Two part question:

1. What's the deal with my karma recently? I've been really good recently..

2. Where's the photographic proof that Mariah lost her dress Yesterday?

Blog Jesus answers:

1) Filming Pops and that dog certainly didn't do you any favors.

2) I bought it all up immediately and am currently taking bids from media whores clamoring for it.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

If Larry Jones becomes the King of Rio, what will your job be?

Blog Jesus answers:

Special Advisor That Will Eventually Stage a Coup and Take Over.

_______________________________________________

I get nake all the time and only the cops make a big deal.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Eighty-Six

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Is Dakota Fanning going to go the way of the Olsen Twins?

Best Regards,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, but she will have three Oscars instead of a line of girl's panties.


Snakehead asks:

Dear Bloggesus,

Why is my dick so huge?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's actually average sized. You're just an incredibly and feeble man.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I was in Indianapolis today. Have I sunk to an all new low?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes. But you'll get lower once you hit Huntington.


R. U. Serious asks:

Blog J,

You yesterday blessed fucking strippers. Today I must ask, does that include a 3-way with a pair of strippers?

Blog Jesus answers:

Only if one of them is a bit homely.


Satan asks:

Wild Dingo Sanctuary - Bargo, Australia: complete with phone number as requested.

For Bookings phone: 02 4684 1156 or e-mail: info@dingosanctuary.com.au

Are you looking for something to eat your baby?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually I want them to eat your babies.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

Why do you allow George Bush to exist?

Blog Jesus answers:

I like to be pissed off every other day.


Satan asks again:

Why is -g.d. suddenly so hot looking?

Blog Jesus answers:

It must be the glow from all the action we had last night.


Da Buttah asks:

Dearest Hottest Haschem

Deal, you now own my bra collection, and my kin. Next question: i'm a lawyer, does that mean i'm automatically hell bound and i should just do what i want and fuck the prospect of going to heaven?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes you are going to hell and should do whatever shit comes to mind. Take heart though, lawyers will be running Hell by the time you get there.


Sloth asks:

Dear Blog Jesus:

Why did you make me so slow? Everything takes for fucking ever.

-Sloth

Blog Jesus answers:

Remember that thing you did back in '84 that got all those people freed? Well that cost me a shitload of cash.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Where does Satan find all the photos of himself, because I have to tell you, they really wig me out.

Where did the expression "wig me out" come from?

Blog Jesus answers:

I take the pictures for him.

From the time some one hundred year old chick said she wanted to blow Willard Scott during interview. His wig literally jumped off his head with excitement. He went bald on TV from that day forward.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why do cowboy boots look so much like high heels for men?

Blog Jesus answers:

Cowboys back in the day were flamers to the tenth degree. They weren't initially after scantily clad Indians for their land. It was all about that tight Indian ass.


Becca asks:

Dear OOO,

I have asked you a holy question and placed a link to your excellent blog on mine. Will you now grant me a link from your blog to mine?

Amen.

Becca

Blog Jesus answers:

Well the question wasn't really that holy, but it was good enough. As soon as I get my lazy ass to it consider yourself linked.


Sandi asks:

Can I drown the neighbor children in their pool, and get away with it?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes. You will need a puppy, three plungers, and a clapper in order to do so.

_______________________________________________________

Oh well.


As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, July 11, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Eighty-Five

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Jess asks:

My favoritest BJ:

I'm going to see "Fantastic Four" on opening night. Has my geek meter risen at all?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is at an all time high. Those Mr. Fantastic elastic arms that you made especially for the movie put your ass way over the top.



Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

If aliens land and ask to speak to our leader, which leader would be the best to shove up to the front? And will you be intervening on our behalf if a certain alien/robot hybrid race tries to annihalate us?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Bill O'Reilly. He speaks for the people, damn it.

I will not be intervening. I will be in a very secure bunker with a bunch of Hooters girls.


Mandolin asks:

Dear BJ,

Damn straight Pops shouldn't go outside for a while, I will friggin explode him.

Why did the movie "Hitch" suck so bad?

Blog Jesus answers:

Because Will Smith went after a Latina instead of a white woman.


R.U. Serious asks:

Dear BJ

A lot of my hate mail lately says I'm going to burn in hell. That being the case, should I just go ahead and start nailing strippers again?

Blog Jesus answers:

You should have never stopped. Whether you're going to heaven or hell, nailing strippers is s privilege that should never be under valued. Nail those anal waxing women with gusto my good man.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

what is the secret to happiness?

Blog Jesus answers:

Finding just the right amount of alive and vibrant kittens to sit on.


Audioholic asks:

Dear BJ,

Hypothetically speaking: Let's say one is in a relationship. But there is a certain person one would like to hump, who is not part of the relationship. The person knows another person that knows the other person in the relationship. So ‘the trail’ is short and the humping is still wanted. How to proceed?

Spank you very much.

Blog Jesus answers:

Hold a costume party. Use your connection to make sure that the potential hump is wearing the same outfit as the person you are in a relationship you are in. Obviously a mask is essentially. I think you can figure out the rest from there.


Sandi asks:

If I take a picture of something really embarassing to someone else, do I have a moral obligation to share that on the internet?

Blog Jesus answers:

So long it is not pictures of me at the toga party then yes, you do have a moral obligation to share that with all the other geeks.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

the details are unimportant, as you are omnipotent....just tell me- yes, or no?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sadly, yes.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I paid all this money to have by anus bleached and now I'm kind of regretting it. Can the process be reversed?

Blog Jesus answers:

I know some fat, horny men that can turn in black and blue for like three weeks, but otherwise you're stuck with an incredibly white ass.


HFB asks:

I can't sleep, and am up in the wee hours of the morning devising other ways I can rip off your ideas.

So, I have to ask, why do people put pickles in their tuna sandwiches?

Blog Jesus answers:

Pickles are delicious. You can never, ever have enough of them.


Da Buttah asks:

Whaddup Hashem!

How was your weekend? My question for today is..if i sell you my left breast, will you hand me some of your powers for like...a day. straight bruce almighty style?

Blog Jesus answers:

I just checked my left breast drawer and it is filled to the brim. I tell you what, how about you give me something less disfiguring, like all your money and ownership rights to your kin.


Becca asks:

Oh Omnipotent One (OOO for short),

I think I need a new computer, and I'm sure you use the best kind. What kind of computer do you use, and are you supremely happy with it? Does it fulfill your every wish and desire?

Faithfully,

Becca

Blog Jesus answers:

I own the only God Pimping PC in existence. It makes me extremely happy. Since you can't have one, I would just say get a Dell.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why doesn't Happyfunball put pickles in her tuna?

Blog Jesus answers:

Irritable bowel syndrome of the throat.

_________________________________________________

I need the phone number of a wild dingo right now.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, July 08, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Eighty-Four

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Mandolin asks:

Am I strange because I have a working Atari with Donkey Kong and Asteroid? Or does it just make me totally awesome.

Also, Pops is surprisingly spry for a chubby dude.

Blog Jesus answers:

You're awesome for having the functional Atari. You're strange for those ass paintings that you sell on the street.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Holy fucking shit. After yesterday's question, I'm afraid I might be clairvoyant. What's scary about it is I keep having dreams about the guys from American Chopper having group sex with Al Roker. I know Al looks good since he lost the weight, but if this comes to pass I'm afraid we all may spontaneously combust. How can you help?

Blog Jesus answers:

I already have Al Roker trying to eat more than his stapled up stomach can handle. Dude will be dead by Sunday so all is well.


Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

I too asked the question before anything happened. Will the feds come looking for me now, especially because I look Arab, though I'm from Texas (a foreign country all to itself)?

Don't stop what you're doing, or the terrorists will have won.

Blog Jesus answers:

The feds could give a shit that you're a Arab looking Texan. They are really concerned about the number of Mandolin's ass paintings that you bought.


Static Brain asks:

Taking the name of God in vain? Will you stop at nothing? I pray God blesses you and enlightens you, in Jesus name. Amen

Blog Jesus answers:

I would to full speed through a parking lot full of children just getting out from Sunday school if the option presented itself. And I think God has blessed me. This is a pretty original idea if I must say, so God blessed my ass with creativity. Way to go dude.


Da Buttah asks:

Yo Yo Yo Haschem,

Fair enough on not renamning your cock Bambi. I guess I can deal. My question today is, how does one perfect the kegel technique?

Blog Jesus answers:

Watch how Willy Ames walks during "Charles in Charge."


Sandi asks:

Whos next on the suprise explosion wagon?

Blog Jesus answers:

Pops shouldn't go outside for a long while.

_____________________________________________________

Waiting patiently for next week's tragedy and you guys making light of it. Bastards.


As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, July 07, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Eighty-Three

During times like these, I think the best way to escape your concerns and fears is humor. If you're finding humor here then you probably have bigger problems then your concerns and fears and really need to get serious help. On to the regular shit:

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:


Lab Boys asks:

Blog Geez,

Short of dressing up like a mariachi, what is the best way of telling airport security that I am not an Arab, but a Texan?

Best,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Well, could there be a more appropriate question to kick things off. In light of the tragedy in London, I have to say . . . carry along that photo book of cow tipping pictures you love so much.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I've been watching some old Kevin Smith movies. Jay always says shit like "sneetch" and "snoogins" and "snootch to the bootch". I'm convinced this is some kind of code, either to activate terrorist sleeper cells within the US or to encourage the kids to smoke lots of pot. Am I far off?

Blog Jesus answers:

More terrorism references!

It was the former and you were off by a big ass pond and a country.


Da Buttah asks:

Dear Haschem,

I linked you up, so where's my invite? Also, thank you for the man chowder clarification.

Question 1: was the attack in london really some pissed off new yorkers with extra fireworks?

Question 2: the next time we're doing it, could you just slightly, and i mean this tenderly, stop screaming Satan's name? it's a turn on, but...my ear drums are ringing now.

Blog Jesus answers:

Folks, you're officially on a roll.

To answer your first question, they were confused people from New Jersey with a big rock and some sticks.

To answer your second question, that would require renaming my cock and I am not about to do that.


R. U. Serious asks:

Dear Blog J,

Do you think you could do some sort of online form for smiting requests?

Blog Jesus answers:

What no terrorism reference? You broke the streak dude.

Forms only lead to TPS reports and the renewing of my man crush on Gary Cole. I can't handle either right now.


G.D. asks:

If you are going to make me a religious icon, could you make me a living saint? Also, what sort of miracles will I be performing, besides turning oceans into beer and inflicting earth with worldwide simultaneous orgasms?

Blog Jesus answers:

Living saints are reserved for the true greats, like Dwight "Murdock" Schultz. I do think we can work on that simultaneous orgasm thing on a smaller scale though.


Mandolin asks:

I vote for G.D to be a living saint. She sounds like she would be an awesome saint.

Why do people always call me things like "hun" and "sweetie"? If they keep it up, can I smite them?

I've been trying to smite Pops for practice, but he keeps running away from me.

Blog Jesus answers:

Ah, that's sweet. Too bad the disciples don't have a vote - okay some might, but you don't.

Quitting the stripping will reduce the number of huns that you get. You'll have to kill your mom to reduce the sweeties.

And you're lying about Pops, he's too fat and lazy to run away. Waddle maybe, but no running. Keep trying though.


Jess asks:

BJ:

Where the hell do you find an authentic, working Atari in this day and age? I might be a dumbass, but I appreicate a good gaming system as much as the next person. And I could really dig some Pong.

Blog Jesus answers:

They are hard to find. What you need to do is find a street hustler that has an affinity for '70's gear. Every major city has one. He'll have like ten in his van alone.

_____________________________________________________

Well, I now I am never taking the subway or bus again.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Eighty-Two

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

What will get me off the waiting list for the last supper and into the supper itself, a Jackson, a Grant, or a Benjamin?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually it only takes linking this blog and asking a question. You have done both. But since you have decided to offer money, I will need all of that as well.


R. U. Serious asks:

Dear Blog J,

The devil offered me a Porsche for my soul. Care to counter offer?

Blog Jesus answers:

I don't want your soul. I do want your new Porsche though and I will be willing to offer Lab Boy's spot at the Last Supper for it.


The Snakehead asks:

Dear Bloggesus,

I'm spending way too fucking much time on the internet. I need to get some work done. What can I do to say NO to internet?

And no, I wasn't surfing porn.

Blog Jesus answers:

Cut off your hands and glue your eyelids shut. The internet is some powerful mojo and it takes extreme measures to get away from it.


Satan asks:

Hey Jesarse

I've been eating potato chips since they were invented, just about 150 years ago. It's seem like a long time, but when you consider that folks have been growing potatoes for around 4500 years in Peru, it took the world a while to figure out how to deep fry them and distribute them widely in those stay fresh bags. Anyway, I'm pretty bored with them now. Got any ideas for a new flavour?

Oh, and so you know, I offered RU Serious borsch not porsche, just so we're negotiating on a level playing field.

Blog Jesus answers:

Minty Fresh Raisin Twisty Chips.


Pops asks:

Beej,

While I appreciate that the Canadians have been punished by being stuck up in a wasteland of permafrost and hockey, it just doesn't quite seem like enough. They deserve worse. So so much worse. Can't you think of some appropriate degradation to heap upon those bastards up north?

Blog Jesus answers:

All right. I am giving Mike Myers back to them.


Da Buttah asks:

Dear Haschem,

How do I get invited to the last supper? I cook a mean mac'n'cheese. Also, can you also make man chowder taste a little more tasty than salty swimmers? Maybe a nice mint julipe flavor?

Blog Jesus answers:

See my answer to Lab Boy's question.

As for the "man chowder" issue. What you are tasting is actually the wonderful taste in the world. Your problem is that the "man chowder" producers that you cater to all have bad gas.


Jess asks:

BJ:

Why is Katamari so damned addicting? And why did I just drop $216 on a Playstation 2 and some games when it wasn't in my budget?

Blog Jesus answers:

Because the Japanese want to take over your body.

You're a dumbass that doesn't appreciate the classic Atari enough.


Mandolin asks:

Dear BJ,

Should I go ahead with my plans for wenching this summer?

Blog Jesus answers:

If you have time with all the whoring and charitable fellating that you also partake in, then yes.


Serra asks:

Dear Blog Jeebus,

Please grant my prayer that Paris Hilton truly does not have a snootch and therefore cannot reproduce.

Blog Jesus answers:

Having taped all her videos I can definitvely say she is full of snootch and will like create a little bitch that will be famous for nothing as well.

______________________________________________

Galang people, Galang.


As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Eighty-One

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

why do folks around here think it wise to stick explosives in their pants and light them? should this practice be discouraged (safety reasons) or encouraged (survival of the fittest....and a few possible darwin awards)?

also, is that a roman candle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Blog Jesus answers:

That line of thinking is a byproduct of the meth that I distribute in the area. I can't say am proud of that fact, but I can say that I am extremely proud of the fact.

The practice should be discouraged though because I lose more customers that way.

I am happy to see you as always, but that is a Roman Candle in my pocket. I have freaky ass fetishes.


Diva asks:

Dear Blog Jesus

Is live8 for real?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually it was one hell of a mass hallucenation. How else can you explain Pink Floyd getting back together.



Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Will there ALWAYS be poverty? Or will liberals have their way in brining to fruition the dreams of Karl Marx and Albert Schweitzer?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

Without poverty there would be no homless people. Without homeless people I would not have anyone to beat about the head with a sock full of pennies. With more socks than I need I would be forced to take up wearing shows. Thus, I will never let poverty end, even if that means making my self poor and beating myself with a sock.


R.U. Serious asks:

Dear Blog J,

I read that when John Lennon said "We're bigger than Jesus", he was talking about dick size and not popularity.

That being the case, can you smite Paul McCartney?

thanks

Blog Jesus answers:

Given that the Beatles actually existed and that Jesus character did not, I would say that what you read is accurate. Imaginary things aren't hung for shit.

Sure, he deserves a little bit of hell for associating to U2.


Da Buttah asks:

Dear Haschem,

I've been pondering, as of late, the definitive notion of what a quark is and its infinite power with regard to the ideology of quantum.

In other news, why does it itch so much when the pubes start growing back in?

Blog Jesus answers:

You keep pondering that Ms. Buttah and I will keep on filming snuff films.

That's actually just the crabs under your skin skittering away while the pubes return.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,Haschem??? What's this all about?

Can you perform immaculate conceptions? How do you do that if you are still a virgin? I'd go for it, having the son of god, that is. Only if it brings me untold riches and if it makes me a religious icon. I can just see it now...Holy -G.D. mother of god...

Anyway, let me know how we could go about doing that.


Blog Jesus answers:

Da Buttah is one of the many blog ladies that have propositioned me and since I am a sucker for the ass, I let her say what she wants.

I can perform immaculate conceptions, but regardless a turkey baster will be needed.

And did you just refer to Blog Jesus, the mack daddy of each and every person as a virgin. Lady, I have been getting laid since birth. Not everyone had gold and shit to give.

And you may get to become a religious icon soon enough. Details are forthcoming.


Nain asks:

dear blog jesus,

why is work so incredibily boring? Is this some sick way you torture us down on earth?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is not my doing, it is your own. Ask any stripper and they will say they love their job. So does each and every gimp. You just chose the wrong profession.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I want to be a supreme court justice. Can you put in a good word for me?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have the ear of the right people but I must say your chances are not that good. That thing you got for morbidly obeses Polish women just isn't going to get you past the confirmation process regardless of what I say or do.

______________________________________________________

There just were not enough stories about kids blowing off their hands this year. Depressing.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, July 04, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Fourth of July Edition

Happy Birthday America. Blog Jesus has decided to salute this proud country by doing the same ole' shit that he does every day - answering your questions. Now here's the regular intro:

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Larry asks:

Why is it that when we ask for your advice you give us only your consent?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's a money issue. You people don't pay me shit, so you don't always get the full breadth of my knowledge.


Lab Boy asks:

I will be in New York City this weekend. What do I get for the perfect girl who has everything?

Blog Jesus answer:

She doesn't have a slave and NY is full of Asian kids that can be bought dirt cheap.


Lisa asks:

Dear blog J:

What is the perfect drink on a hot summers day. Having a party on the patio... and we are at odds - only you can save the day!

Blog Jesus answers:

Hot chocolate. It warms the soul and coats the stomach therefore acting as a defense against mad cow disease.


R.U. Serious asks:

Blog J,

I have to ask, did Mary Magdalene have a nice rack?

Blog Jesus answers:

It was stupendous . . . until leprosy took over.


Mandolin asks:

Dear BJ

I now have some awesome green stilettos, as well as some black ones. The problem is that I now have nothing to wear them with.

I was thinking kick ass jeans or a short skirt when I go out on the weekend. Any ideas?

Blog Jesus answers:

Your thoughts are in the right place. You need to wear the kick ass jeans with the short skirt over them. Trust me, men will love the fact that you look like "Blossom" in that get up.


Satan asks:

Sorry for the absence Jesarse - Like you give a whack in a monkey cage. Mmmm... self lovin' monkeys. Shit, now I need to call my sponsor, shit!

So, ummmm, geez that's embarrassing, well, ah, question, what did Barney Rubble, that dude with the hot cartoon wife from the Flintstones, do for a living?

Blog Jesus answers:

Dildo model. You don't get a Betty without a large cock.


Duff asks:

dear blog jesus~

how do i turn my biggest fan into my loyal minion without actually revealing my identity to him? should i send him instructional tapes...or pamphlets?

also, should he feel the need to try and meet me here at the station, would it be possible for you to smite him as soon as he enters the parking lot?

thanks.

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually, hire this guy named Kaine who operate out of Atlanta. All this guy does it talk with a person for about twenty minutes and the next thing you know you got yourself a loyal minion. That's partly how I created my army. That and preying on the week willed.

Why wait until he reaches the station. I will smite him while he is driving over a bridge while heading to your station. There is nothing like drowning after driving off a bridge while having rabbits gnaw off your toes.

___________________________________________________

I raised just as much awareness as Live 8 yesterday and I didn't have to subject people to Madonna performing live.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, July 01, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Seventy-Nine

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Larry asks:

Is it nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them?

Blog Jesus answers:

Suffering bites ass. Put on your shit kickers and kick some shit.

James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What is your favorite kind of debauchery?

Blog Jesus answers:

Watching "Too Close for Comfort."



R.U. Serious asks:

Dear BJ,

Crack or meth?

Blog Jesus answers:

Crack only leads to crackheads dying on your doorstep. With meth there's a chance you'll go out in a blaze of poorly mixed chemical glory. Obviously I choose meth.


Sandi asks:

Should I drink this whole bottle of Mexican Rum tonight, or save some for later?

Blog Jesus answers:

If there are more then ten sailors in town then down the fucker.


Da Buttah asks:

Dear Haschem,

Sorry about the Allah mix-up. So..does that mean I'm in..rephrase...you're in? Does the fact I'm a commie bastard russian jew make a difference?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am always in something. Given that you're a commie bastard russian jew probably means you're in something too.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Does Jimmy Mod appear to have gone militant on us? What's with the black power hand photo and prison tatoo?

Blog Jesus answers:

Jimmy Mod just knows he's returning to Indiana. In fact, where he's going he'll actually be the blackest person.


Lab Boy asks:

Why did I stand out like a sore thumb in Harlem, while Bill Clinton is praised and raised to a demigod status?

Blog Jesus answers:

Clinton has a reputation for attracting women with the proper amount of junk in the trunk. Therefore he is praised.

The Snakehead asks:

Dear Blow Job,

Can you please remove that sticks from those two idiots' asses and perhaps, if you're so kind enough, get them laid? I heard the last time they got laid was in summer of 1985.

Blog Jesus answers:

First off, Blog Jesus - it's a common mistake so no biggie. Secondly, the only reason I published this question was to tell new readers to ingore those that I ignore. I am the only one that starts pissing matches here.


Mandolin asks:

Dear BJ

I noticed Satan hasn't been here for a while, does this mean that he's planing his next big evil thing?

Or is he just planing to do something extra evil to my juicer.

Blog Jesus answers:

I believe he is a clinic to help those that cannot help but watch apes masturbate.

Also, as a woman, protect your juicer with everything you got. Don't lose your virtue . . . unless you're wearing green stilletos.

Pops asks:

Beej,

What is imitation crab meat made out of, anyway? And do they think they're fooling people when they spell it with a K sometimes?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's mostly made of the skin from a cow's udder. Hoosiers tend to buy into it.
________________________________________________________

O'Connor. O'Goner. O'Brother that was lame.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus