Friday, April 29, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Thirty-Three

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

That was fun, when can we do it again?

Blog Jesus answers:

You are of course talking about last night and no it was not fun. I didn't get into the business of helping people to actually help that many people.


Larry asks:

I have broken the encryption and copied a lot of porno tapes to DVD, but only for my own personal use. Is that wrong?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is only wrong if you don't copy those DVD's and send them my way.


Old Roses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

If you can heal the sick and raise the dead, why do you need Vicodin?

Blog Jesus answers:

I like to heal the sick and raise the dead while I am out of my head on painkillers. We all have our vices.


Kom asks:

Man, was that was a rough day. You seem to be busting at the britches, and it may be time for the miracle of the Q's and the fishes. Or, I'd be happy to wash your feet with my tears.

I took German is HS and college, and I have tried to keep my skills sharp with really, really cheap "teach ya' german" cd's. How come I can't speak german?

Blog Jesus answers:

You subconsciously fear members of the "Greatest Generation" overhearing you speaking German and shooting you out of fear that the Nazis have returned.


HFB asks:

Is 'breaking the encryption' a new, bizarre term for wanking off? How many of your disciples are repeating the word 'wanking' and giggling to themselves now? Was that sentence grammatically correct? If so, what's a Nubian?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually, "wanking off" is the bizarre term for wanking off. What was said is what is cool once again. All of them, including you. Sure. And to answer your last question:

A member of one of the group of dark-skinned peoples that formed a powerful empire between Egypt and Ethiopia from the 6th to the 14th centuries.


Mr. Gumby2u asks:

Will Alex be back to ask a question today?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am not sure. She's a little tired today. (Blog high five).


Irb asks:

Dear B-Je,

Ever since I saw this video clip, I've been having these fantasies where SJ is 50 feet tall and peering at me through my window as I lounge on my stylish velour couch and sip fine wine. Also, there's lot of spaceships and stuff.

Is this wrong? Because it FEELS SO RIGHT!!!

Blog Jesus answers:

It is very, very, very wrong. You should only fantasize about Blog Jesus drinking milk and teaching kids how to commit suicide so they get it right the first time.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I'm not entirely convinced you could have answered all of yesterday's questions on your own. In order to do all that AND post over at Heightened Thoughts you'd have to be a very sad man with no life at all who spends his every non-working non-sleeping hour pantsless at the computer.

Since we all KNOW that can't be true, I submit that there is no "Blog Jesus" and instead this whole venture is run by 40 people in a one-bedroom aparatment in Bangalore. I defy you prove otherwise.

Blog Jesus answers:

There is a Blog Jesus. I have no life. I do wear pants. I am an extremely quick typer so this doesn't take all day. And there are forty people in a one bedroom apartment in Bangalore currently making "Ask Blog Jesus" apparel. I can't prove that last part because of the heat.

Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Kris is out of control. Can you make him stop?

Blog Jesus answers:

I fear that he has reach a point where even I don't want to do anything for him anymore. Just watch the crazy man flap his arms and pretend he's a bird and get some humor out of it.

__________________________________________

I have a feeling you people may cause me to have a long Monday.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, April 28, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Thirty-Two

First off, I apologize for the delay in responding to you today. By the time I looked at the questions for the first time I noticed that Kris has violated the question rule, Alex wanted to get freaky, and I had twenty-two questions. It was just too much, so I took a Vicodin (okay three Vicodins) and I have been out ever since. But now I am up and still a bit loopy so what better time to say"

People, so . . . many . . people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Seagullible22 asks:

Dear BJ,

As the lord of the blogs, how can I get my time at the keyboard back? I have wasted many hours making useless comments in order to drive up my site traffic, because I worship SiteTracker, lord of numbers (except on sunday- of corpse!)

Blog Jesus answers:

Kill yourself and hope you're recreated as a human being and not a flea.


Sandi asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is it possible to get you to smite the Mexaicans upstairs? They are really beginning to piss me off.

Thanks

Sandi

Blog Jesus answers:

Of course I can. First off though, I need to know how many are in the apartment. Given their nature there could be up to 100 of them and I need to figure out how big of a strike team to deploy.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why is it that when you move into an apartment complex you always end up living next to someone who cooks really bad smelling food?And can you get rid of those who are doing that across the hall from me?

Blog Jesus answers:

When you move into a crack house that is what you have to expect. Yes. Again please provide a number so I can determine strike team deployment.


Mr. Gumby2u asks:

Hey Bloj,

Is there a blog holy ghost? Does he answer questions? Hell, is there a temporal holy ghost? What does he do? What the devil is a holy ghost?

You've always had my deepest respect,

mrgumby2u

Blog Jesus answers:

There is no Blog Holy Ghost, though some times I put on a sheet and start walking around going "Holy Ghost! Holy Ghost!" I think that answers you other questions as well. Holy Ghost!


Kristi asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is it wrong to have a crush on your professor? If not, how would I go about pursueing that situation?

Your humble servant,

Kristi

Blog Jesus answers:

No it is not wrong. It is very, very right. The best way to get the prof is cleavage and Daisy Dukes. Catherine Bachs will also work.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Is it wrong to have a crush on Kristi's professor? I've never met him, but she makes him sound totally hot.

Unless he's a chick, in which case, hott.

Blog Jesus answers:

Pops, I think it wrong for you to love anything. Except Blog Jesus. Please give me all your money - that would be hott.


Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Where have all the cowboys gone?

Where the hell have I been?

What if God was one of us?

Blog Jesus answers:

Got lung cancer from smoking Marlboros and died.

Not far enough away as far as I am concerned.

God is one of us. It is me. Prior posts will explain that.


Kris asks again:

Why does g.d. want to get rid of me?

Did you read/like my tossed salad haiku at anncoultertossedmysalad.blogspot.com?

Does it bother you that I just plugged someone else's blog?

Blog Jesus answers again:

Kris have you really looked or listened to yourself? Everyone wants to get rid of you - G.D. just has the balls to say it.

I have not read, but I will. I am certain not to like it.

Tremendously. You owe me four shout outs - mostly for the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" which obviously needs more readers.

Kris asks once again:

What happens if I refuse penance for plugging someone else's blog and breaking my question limit?

How do I get rid of g.d.?

When does Blog Satan come back?

Blog Jesus bregrudgingly responds:

No questions for you!

G.D. is in the band - you can't get rid of her.

When Kim Jong tires of her - probably tomorrow.


Kris states:

Okay, I'm done.

Blog Jesus responds:

Like fuck you are.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Boxers or Briefs?

.. or warm peanut butter?

Blog Jesus answers:

Boxer made of warm peanut butter.


G.D. asks:

Dear BJ,

When are you going to come out of the closet?

Blog Jesus answers:

When Scott Baio comes a knockin'


Irb asks:

Dear Blog of our Fathers,

First off, thanks for giving me a seat at the adult's table. You're a real mensch!

Secondly, with regards to the Futurama-related mystery of Blog God... Did you do the nasty in the pasty?

Finally, Kris called me a Republican and has yet to acknowledge the error of his ways. Could you smite him for me?

Amen,

Irb

Blog Jesus answers:

No problemo bucko - where the hell did that come from?

Yes.

I can and will. However, the dude is like a cockroach - he'll come back.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why is my daughter's school sending me out to buy a bug catching kit that has TWEEZERS in it? Are they going to be ripping legs off unsuspecting bugs? ('cause you know they'll want to) Is this something that should be taught in pre-school?

Blog Jesus answers:

To rip the legs off of unsuspecting bugs.

See above.

Yes. Death should be taught at birth actually.


Alex asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I am a weak woman, please give me the strength to resist the nymphoma... You know, I've always had a thing for powerful men. With all these questions I'm sure you need to relax. Want to come on over to my house for a hottub party? I'll get the strippers and a midget. You turn the hottub water to wine, kick off those birkenstocks and We can get to the business of reaaalllyy offending Margot! C'mon, what do you say? Wanna be my Lord and Savior? Convert me, save me hard! Send me to blog heaven baby!!

Blog Jesus answers:

All I can say is that Alex is my most favorite disciple . . . and I need a cold shower . . . and a stiff drink.


Kom asks:

Blog Jesus,

I think my boss is catching on to the fact that I do little or no work. Is there any way to avoid bloodshed in the eventual confrontation?

Blog Jesus answers:

Not a chance in hell. I would initiate the blood letting though - don't let him get that honor. Stab him with a pen while you're both in the elevator.


Fox's Vixen asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What guarentee do I have that I won't go to hell for being amused by your blog?

Blog Jesus answers:

Merely perusing this blog gets you a one way ticket to hell. Keep asking questions, there is no hope for you now.


Pops asks again:

Beej,

What's more likely to induce violent masturbation on your part, Alex's question or the fact that you've got 17 questions on one day?

Blog Jesus answers:

Well since we're now up to 33 questions I would have to say Alex's question.


HFB asks:

What the hell are you doing in my closet? Just what, exactly, is your relationship with the midget? What's that thing, over there? No, not that thing, that other thing! No, no no ... Behind that one, and lift that other thing up ... YES, THAT ONE, what is it?

Have you seen this: http://www.askthepope.blogspot.com/ and if so, what's your professional opinion?

Blog Jesus answers:

Only me and Scott Baio knows.

A very, very special one.

A hedgehog.

I looked it over. While not a direct copy of this wonderful blog - I shall be smiting the fucker shortly.


Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is there a Starbucks in heaven, and if so, are the Mocha Coconut Frappuchinos still available? It pisses me off that they have been discontinued here.

Blog Jesus answers:

There are four Starbucks in heaven and heaven is only one acre. They serve that Mocha crap you like.


HFB asks again:

Oh, yeah, and how much are you getting paid for endorsing Birkenstocks?

Blog Jesus answers again:

Too much - those dumb fuckers.


Irb asks again:

I'll let my words be few.Blog Jesus I'm in Love w/ You,

Ever since I invited you into my heart, the doctor says my cholestorol has gone through the roof and I've been suffering from palpatations. Whatever you're doing in there, could you please knock it off?

Blog Jesus answers again:

It is either a party in your heart or a party in your mouth. Choose.


Beo asks:

Dear Blog Jesus. I have the hots for Condoleezza Rice. I see her ordering me into a cell. Much like a scene from 24 (I'm sorry if you don't get to catch the show).

What should I do about this?

Blog Jesus answers:

Beo, you are just a man with desires. Follow those desires and be happy when the Secret Service shoots you down before they are fulfilled.


Satan asks:

Dear Jesarse

When does Blog Kris come back? When he does arrive, How do you intend to shut him up?

Blog Jesus answers:

Look below and you'll see the dingleberry has re-appeared.

It seems like a trip to Iraq with Blog Santa is in order.


For God's sake it's Kris again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What is Satan's address so I can kick him straight in the nuts?

Blog Jesus answers reluctantly:

Hell. Go there - never, ever come back.


Digitalicat asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Can you hook me up with Alex?

Blog Jesus answers:

Alex be mine. You can have Kris.


Kristi asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Has Kris forgotten that kicking people in the nuts is my job?

Blog Jesus answers again:

Obviously. Give him a nut kick he'll never forget.


Dusti asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

When did you get such a devoted following? Was it all the references de punishment that got the word out?

Blog Jesus answers again:

I wouldn't call the following loyal, but they just sort of showed up. I am like the Grateful Dead in that way - I have the initial followers then others get high off my stuff and become my questioning zombies.


Blog Allah asks:

Dear Blog Infidel,

I was wondering if you could stop by on Saturday and help me move some furniture.

Blog Jesus answers:

So long as you bring the beer.


Pops states:

This isn't technically a question, but I'd just like to say to Blog Allah: weeeeeeeak.

Blog Jesus responds:

Agreed. Though I would still do it for beer.


For the love of fuck it is Kris again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What in the hell is going on with all the "Ask Blog {insert religious} figure here" blogs?

Blog Jesus answers though he doesn't want to:

I am like "Friends." Soon all the girls will be getting "The Jesus."


James asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

This is a lot of questions. I think you might need to hire twelve apostles to help you answer these fuckers...

So, can I send in my resume? Supposing I get the job, what kind of health benefits do I get?

Blog Jesus answers again:

You can send in a resume. There are no benefits and I can guarantee you'll get the plague.


James asks once again, but not in an annoying Kris sort of way:

Dear Blog Jesus,

32 comments for Day 32.

How are you going to celebrate?

Blog Jesus answers yet again:

Mostly by reading Alex's question.

That's it Kris has finally gone too far:

Dear Blog Jesus,

When are you going to make our lives right again by getting off your ass and answering these questions?

Blog Jesus answers while crying:

I answered that at the top. Please go away.

_____________________________________

Man, that was work.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Thirty-One

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Irb asks:

Yo Horndog of Salvation!

Whenever you bump into Blog Judas, do you ever ask him "How's it hanging?" Because that would be really goddamn funny.

Please invite my blog to the Last Supper. I'll bring cups and ice.

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually Blog Jesus is used as my permanent pinata. The kids love it.

You're in by the way.


Kristi asks:

You know those Jesus freaks that stand on street corners and shout that I am a whore and going to hell for wearing a short skirt and going to a rock concert? Would it be terribly naughty of me to kick him in the nuts?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, it would be naughty and it would also be necessary and funny and kick ass in a kick in the nuts sort of way.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

On what day did God create Skippy Squeeze Stix™ and couldn't he have rested on that day too?

Blog Jesus answers:

Son that is portable peanut butter - the greatest thing I ever created. God took no part in the fact that I could have peanut buttery goodness in my pants every day.


Satan asks:

Hey Jesarse

Remember that forty beautiful days and nights together in the desert?

Those glorious hot days, the soporous nights. I tempted you. You pretended not to be interested. I offered you dominion over all my earthly kingdoms and my allurements made you feel like the Messiah.

Why didn't you call?

Blog Jesus answers:

Simple, there were no phones back then and the damn donkey died and I was too drunk to resurrect it.


SJ asks:

Blog Jesus,

Do I get special BJ recognition for sending Irb into your fold? Sometimes your flock, well, they need special recognition.

Blog Jesus answers:

No real recognition - but I have taken the time to answer your question. Live with that.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I've just been kicked in the nuts. Is it because I scream "WHOOORRRE!" at women in short skirts who go to rock concerts or could it be something else?

Blog Jesus answers:

It could be a litany of things. Calling a short skirted rocker a whore definitely is high on the list.


Kristi asks again:

Pops,

Is it that you would like to be kicked in the nuts, or that you would like a girl in a short skirt to be naughty with?

Dear Blog Jesus,

Is is naughty that I said above statement?

Blog Jesus answers again:

Actually sense you made it to Pops, it is disturbing.


Irb asks again:

Dear Prince of Posts,

The other night I had a dream that you and I were walking on the beach while scenes from my life flashed in the sky. And I realized that during the most troubling parts of my life, there was only one set of footprints. So I asked you, "Why did you abandon me in my times of need?" And you replied, "Because sometimes I get tired of listening to you complain, you whiny little bitch."

So I guess my question is, how the hell do you eat M&Ms without them falling through the nailholes?

Blog Jesus answers:

I either pour them into my mouth from the bag or I put little nets over the top of my hands.


Brent asks:

Dear Blogus,

What's a good get rich scheme for someone with no scheming talents?

Blog Jesus answers:

Murder for hire.

__________________________________

Mmmmmm pants peanut butter.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Thirty

And now, people, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Irb asks:

Dear Jesús del bloggo,

If Helen Keller falls in the forest and there's nobody around to hear, does she make a sound?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes. It sounds sort of like this: nuhggahca.


Pops asks:

Beej,

You mentioned "Blog God" yesterday. This implies that there is a being greater than yourself. That or he's the dude who nailed your mom nine months prior to your birth. Which is it?

Blog Jesus answers:

There is no being greater than me and there is a Blog God. Fans of "Futurama" will know how this came to be.

Larry asks:

My cat has gacked up a hairball that resembles a diorama of the Virgin Mary spanking Pope Benedict XVI. My Guatemalan housekeeper won't clean it up. In fact, she's erected a small shrine. Nothing fancy, just fifty votive candles, a few crucifixes and some paintings of the Virgin. I was wondering if you're still in touch with Blog Virgin Mary and if you could ask her to appear to Consuelo and tell her the miracle is over, it's just fur and puke, and to clean it the fuck up before it becomes a serious health hazard.

Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Blog Jesus answers:

I will do you one better. I will off that irrational housekeeper of yours and bring up one of my non-denominational maids to do your bidding.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why is it the wackier Larry Jones' profile photos become the more fucked up his questions become? Is there a correlation there?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sadly, Larry is heading down the dark path that Kris has recently taken. I can have him offed as well when my people do in his maid and save us the unpleasantness of watching him lose his mind. Or I can get more popcorn and we can enjoy the show.

Irb asks again:

Dear Blog Jebus,

WTFWBJD?

Blog Jesus answers again:

Market the hell out that phrase and spend the money on whores.


Pops asks again:

Beej,

Me again. If there's a Blog Virgin Mary (as Larry suggests) for the Blog Jesus, does that mean there's also a Blog Elly Mae for Blog Jethro? And if so, what's her number?

Blog Jesus answers again:

So now you want to do your blog cousin. I thought you had a thing for your sister.

____________________________________

Incest and murder. A good day, I must say.


As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, April 25, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Twenty-Nine

First off, where were all you fuckers on Friday? Don't make Blog Jesus angry, you won't like Blog Jesus when he's angry.

And now, people, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Kris asks:

I know it's old hat, but what is it about crap-chopping that I STILL find so hilarious?

Why can't I let it go?

Blog Jesus answers:

Never let go. Crap-chopping is not old hat and always hilarious. In fact the only thing that could make it funnier is if you had to chop you crap in an old hat.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I am awash in adulation and on the verge of being deified. Any tips for handling my transformation from mortal to immortal?

Blog Jesus answers:

Douche regularly.


Sideshow Bob asks:

Dear Blejus,

If I pimp your blog on my blog will that keep me out of hell, or would I just be digging a deeper hole?

Blog Jesus answers:

First off, who said you could call me Blejus? I like it, but you owe me a shout out. Make no mistake you'll be digging a bigger hole. One you can't climb out of. But since Heaven doesn't exist you need somewhere to go.

Sideshow Bob asks again:

Follow up query,

Would it be worth the trouble to get in, or should I not believe the hype?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is worth the trouble and the hype shouldn't be believed. You figure it out.


Sylvana asks:

Blog Jesus,

Why don't people let you know when you have booger hanging out of your nose or stuff in your teeth or something on your face?

Blog Jesus answers:

Ridicule is the only thing that all humans understand and do best. Though they might also be hungry.


Kris asks again:

Or a saggy lump in the back of your pants?

Sorry that whole crap thing again...

Blog Jesus answers again:

Hunger again.


Kris asks once again:

What the hell is Project Marmelade?

Blog Jesus answers once again:

You'll know soon enough.


Old Roses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How many questions per day is Kris allowed to ask you?

Blog Jesus answers:

The new limit is two. But he'll just violate it and be forced to pimp this blog some more.


SJ asks:

Where did all the Southpark people come from?

Blog Jesus answers:

Well their mothers met their dads, fucked and nine months later Trey Parker and Matt Stone were born.


Irb asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Long time listener, first time caller.

Could your father create a rock so heavy that even He couldn't pick it up? And if so, could you maybe help Him pick it up and use it to smite the living shit out of Ann Coulter?

Blog Jesus answers:

How in the hell are you listening to me. Sounds like I need to burn the guy that sound proofed my garage.

Blog God and I don't want to smite the living shit out of Ann Coulter because then her living shit would attack the world and I don't have time to handle that right now - sweep are about to start.


Sandi states:

Irb--now who can follow that one. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Blog Jesus answers:

Sandi, I noted that you linked me and called me hilarious, but remember this is "Ask Blog Jesus" not "Ask Blog Irb." This is my show. As punishment you must now read the latest post from Blog Jethro.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

When my car won't start, is that because you are angry at me?

Blog Jesus answers:

It wasn't me at first. Then you decided have a picture of Jennifer Garner and the Affleck cuddling. Now I have fucked with your car. Keep it up and the next hooker you buy will be loaded with the clap.

James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Could you please not tell Brent that I planted a poorly crafted explosive device inside of his starter? Also, what is the best brand of root beer?

Blog Jesus answers:

Your secret is safe with me and everyone else that visits.

All root beer is delicious. But since I am sponsored by Pepsico, I will have to go with Mug. That's Mug - great tasting and it will get you all the chicks.


G.D. asks:

Blog Jesus,

How do I get rid of KRIS?

Blog Jesus answers:

I can cure most diseases, but I cannot do anything when one fucks themself. You're stuck with him young lady.


Kom asks:

Blog Jesus,

What happened to my remote? I already checked the couch.

Blog Jesus answers:

Your cat has been using it as a masturbatory tool. Kill the cat.

________________________________________

MPH interviews a religious icon over at "Heightened Thoughts." If you're concerned about going to hell you might want to miss it.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, April 22, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Twenty-Eight

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What the hell are they thinking in the Senate? Isn't the abillity to participate in a filibuster one of the checks and balances that we put into place so that the entire government doesn't go batshit and turn the country into Orwell's vision of 1984?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, but what you don't realize is that checks and balances just suck. There's no drama when things are controlled. We want chaos in our government . . . until Big Brother comes along and dictates the drama at prescribed times. Face facts we're going to be part of the machine sooner rather than later.

Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why do such good girls like Jennifer Garner end up with such douche bages like Ben?


Blog Jesus answers:

In the lovely Ms. Garner's case I blame a mixture of roofies, bad managers, and the Affleck allure. The chap is witty when he gets a talkin'.


__________________________________

Slow day . . . there went a tumbleweed.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, April 21, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Twenty-Seven

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Larry asks:

Why do we always take the sweetest rose and crush it till the petals fall?

Blog Jesus answers:

The thorns. The fuckers sting like a bitch.


Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Should I hunt down Steph and save the world or say "Fuck it," and let her destroy the children for me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Fuck it, let the little bastards get what's coming to them.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Larry just may have crazier eyes than me. Does that mean I can't be called Krazy Eyez any more?

Blog Jesus answers:

He who smelt it, dealt it. The name is yours Kek.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Has Krazy Eyez Killah started some kind of insane user profile image movement? Should I too follow in the footsteps of Krazy Eyez and Larry? Is there any hope for me if I do?

Blog Jesus answers:

You've been hopeless for awhile now. Run and do what you like because you're fucked no matter what.


Pusboy asks:

Dear blog jesus,

Why are so many of your followers bat-shit crazy?

Blog Jesus answers:

Genetics mostly. My putting LSD in the water/wine didn't help.

__________________________________________________

I got nothing to say for this part.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Twenty-Six

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Old Roses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why did you allow a Nazi to be elected as Pope?

Why did MPH have no opinion about this?

Blog Jesus answers:

These things all run in cycles. There hasn't been a Nazi with any real power for awhile - they were do and I knew this guy isn't long for the world either so I let them have it.

MPH addressed this in the comments section of Tuesday's "Heightened Thoughts" post.


Sylvana aks:

Blog Jesus,

Why do my internal links keep changing addresses?

Blog Jesus answers:

They are on the run from Nazi Popes.


Snake in Fall declares:

Nice blog, here aremine:

http://ebat.blogspot.com
http://epicture.blogspot.com
http://xiping.blogspot.com
http://healthsci.blogspot.com
http://jokeroom.blogspot.com
http://townson.blogspot.com

Have a nice day!

Blog Jesus declares back:

This blog has room for only one blog whore and that is Blog Jethro. Step off his territory.


Sideshow Bob asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

When hell freezes over, will there be hockey?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, but no one will care.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Am I allowed to shiv people that spam AskBlogJesus?

Sincerely,

Krazy Eyez Killah

Blog Jesus answers:

Kek, you may do that and I expect you to do worse - like go Pope Nazi on the person's ass.


Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Can I bump chests with Krazy Eyez Killah?

Blog Jesus answers:

If you want, Blog Jesus doesn't look down upon such eroticism unlike other religious Nazis.


Pops asks:

Beej,

If you have two blogs and someone else has six blogs, doesn't that mean they're three times better than you?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. It means they have three times less of a life and given that mine sucks, their life must be full of major ass spewage.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I was thinking about joining the Neo-Nazi Hitler Youth and converting to Catholocism. What do you think my chances of being Pope are?

Blog Jesus answers:

If you hadn't killed all those men in Tijuana, I would say you would've had an excellent chance. You screwed the Taco Bell dog the minute those Latinos fell.


Teresa Lee asks:

Dearest Blog Jesus from up on high,

Tell me, will I ever get to be the ultimate "If it bleeds it leads" journalist? Or am I forever stuck in this hell hole they call "The Community Voice?"

Your Eternal Child on Earth,

Teresa Lee

Blog Jesus answers:

You're stuck in the hell hole, but don't worry it's about to become the greatest newspaper in the world - I have scheduled my first public interview with it and demanded you do the interview.


Kom asks:

Blog Jesus,

In your last inspired answer you assumed that I wanted to quit smoking. Truth is that I just enjoy torturing myself.

Can you suggest a more affordable way to keep myself miserable?

Blog Jesus answers:

Cutting only requires one razor and your own blood.


HFB asks:

Can I answer Kom's question? May I suggest sharp sticks and the Anna Nicole Show?

Also, what about my Unhappy Place? You never told me what to do, and I need to call ahead to make a reservation.

Blog Jesus answers:

I just figured you were already there. Go there and be unpleasant.


James asks again:

Mandrake versus The Snake.. who wins? Also, should I get it on the camera for posterity?

Blog Jesus answers:

Mandrake wins but loses an arm. Of course you should get it on video - then sell it to the producers of Bum Fights.

______________________________________

Well I got to figure out how to get the Klan back into power now.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Twenty-Five

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

HFB asks:

Why did SJ get credit for my question? Do I have to go to my Unhappy Place?

Blog Jesus answers:

Fucking new secretary. Don't worry all has been corrected and I have take the extra step of beating the little mistake making woman with a sandwich she brought from home.


Nom asks:

Blog Jesus,

How do I get the strength to keep sucking on this assalicious nicotine gum?

And how much longer do I need to do it?

Blog Jesus answers:

I say quit chewing it now so you can get around to asking me how to quit smoking for good.


Kris asks (?):

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why does Blogger keep

Blog Jesus answers:

I know how you were going to finish the question and all I can say is puppies are what the thing eats.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I once killed a man in a bar fight outside of Tijuana in 1988.

Any chance I might still be prosecuted?

Blog Jesus answers:

So long as you killed a Mexican - no.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I'm no math whiz, but I think James would have been around 4 years old in 1988.

So is his story bullshit or a sign that he's always been a special kind of badass?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's actually a special kind of bullshit. He did kill a man outside a bar in Tijuana but he did so in 1993 which would have made him around 9 or 10.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Can I be referred to as Krazy Eyez Killah from now on? Because I'm your caucasian y0!

Blog Jesus answers:

Curb your enthusiam Brent. You can call yourself Krazy Eyez Killah so long as I can call you Kek.

____________________________________________

Remember to check out the story of "Heightened Thoughts" it's a magical journey.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, April 18, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Twenty-Four

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

Please decipher for me the following line of textGod<3>Blog Jesus answers:

Technically the answer is E), but I think the chick was implying that they were balls so I would accept C) as well.


James asks:

Dear <3>Blog Jesus answers:

There is a secret conspiracy between the Fun Yun people and the Miller people to create a party in your mouth. Unfortunately knowledge of such things means your death is nigh.

As for the <3>Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Regarding SJ's post and the comments thereafter, what happened yesterday that caused people (as in more than one demented person) to regale us with stories of crap chopping?

Blog Jesus answers:

Deep down we all like to chop up shit. Even deeper down we all like to talk about it. SJ's post was the perfect storm.


Brent asks:

Dear Beejus,

Why am I always the scapegoat for everyones shit?

Blog Jesus answers:

The crazy stare makes you one hell of a target.


James asks again:

Dear <3>Blog Jesus answers again:

Again - he's a bit nutso.


James asks once again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I've been awake for.. oh 38 hours and 10 minutes.. why can't I fall asleep?

Blog Jesus answers once again:

See what happens when you call me a ball licker.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,Have you seen The Worst Halftime Show ever?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am aware of the abomination but have chosen not to watch it. Instead I catch the Acapella Nintendo video and delightfully laugh.


Brent asks again:

Dear Beejus,

An acquaintance of mine is having a baby, and we're worried it might be a C.H.U.D.

Any advice?

Blog Jesus answers again:

Let the little bastard come to term and even if it isn't a C.H.U.D. lock it in a shed and forget about it.


HFB asks:

How do you say "Cowboy the fuck up" in Russian?

If we do get Linda Hamilton all buffed up, what are the chances she will kick the crap out of James Cameron for 1) Titanic and 2) dumping her? What are the chances of her using a chess board?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's "cowboyeskie da fook upskie."

100%/56%

________________________________________________

Btw, there's another clip show at the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts"

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, April 15, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Twenty-Three

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Brent asks:

Dear Beejus,

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

Oh wait, that ties in to James' question.

Blog Jesus belatedly answers:

They actually dream of electric razors.

And who said that you could call me Beejus? I see more pimping in your future.


Kom asks:

No, I'm pretty sure that Deckard was a replicant. Wasn't clear in the theatrical release, but I saw the directors cut a while ago and it pretty much spells it out.

Or should I phrase this as a question? Is this how it works? OK - Why are you wrong about Deckard?

Blog Jesus answers:

Your first question and you imply that I have a fallacy. I am right about Deckard because I believe I like the theatrical release more than I do the director's cut.


xxliveforyouxx declares:

blasphemous.... I'm pretty sure that's not honoring God to write all that stuff that He wouldn't approve of.

<3 have a great day

Blog Jesus responds:

You're only "pretty sure" that answering the people's questions does not honor God to write stuff he wouldn't approve of? Me thinks you ain't as faithful as you proclaim. And why the hell would God care if Deckard was a replicant or not?

Also, why do you have a testicles before have a great day? Are you implying that I might be part of the homosexual agenda?


Sylvana asks:

An avid swimmer, buff or speedo? Or maybe the full body wool to get a little retro?

Blog Jesus answers:

Gotta go with the wool. It may slow you down, but you'll look damn sexy.


Sideshow Bob asks:

Can you microwave a burrito so hot that not even you can hold it?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. If it was held over hellfire I may need some aloe.


HFB asks:

The Notebook: total waste of time, complete waste of time, or totally justifiable homicide?

Blog Jesus answers:

All three, but a great assisted suicide tool.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I still think Deckard was a replicant, but let me ask you this...

What's the best way to kill a sawdust monster?

Blog Jesus answers:

Gravy.


Holly asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why is it that I can drink an entire bottle of wine at home without being "drunk" but when I drink 3 beers at the bar, I'm dirty dancing with the band?

Blog Jesus answers:

I blame your womb. It wants to hold a rock star's illegitmate child.


Kris asks:

Blog Jesus,

Third Nipple: Lick it, or suggest cosmetic surgery?

Blog Jesus answers:

It all depends on where it is located. If it is on the forehead - lick it. If it is behind the knee suggest plastic surgery.


Brent asks again:

Dear Beejus,

How can I fulfil my life-long dream of becoming a Luche superstar?

Blog Jesus answers:

Find five illegal immigrants. Turn them over to the INS. Then bride the INS for the containers that they hold the immigrants souls in after they perform their rituals. Drink the contents of those container and next thing you know your a Luche superstar.

Pops asks:

Beej,

1) Where the fuck did all these people come from?

2) In reference to the burrito question and the Happy Christian Girl's disapproval, is it even possible for anything you say to be blasphemous when technically your every utterance should be considered--literally--Gospel?

Blog Jesus answers:

Well Sylvana featured this blog on her blog about discovering other blogs and called it a hip, hip place to hang. Sideshow Bob appears to have learned of it from there. Kom just dropped in. And xxliveforyouxx evolved from primates.

No. If it comes from me it is the fucking real deal.


Larry Jones asks:

If somebody is super-polite and rigidly follows an extremely courteous code of social conduct and always writes thoughtful thank-you notes no matter how cheesy the gift, how can you tell if they really liked what you gave them?

Blog Jesus answers:

Follow them to their home, break in, hide in their closet and listen to what they have to say about it to others over the phone.


Nain asks:

dear blog jesus:

how many licks DOES it take to get the center of a tootsie pop?

Blog Jesus answers:

Three. The owl was right, but his approach was wrong.


Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Coke or Pepsi?

Blog Jesus answers:

Mountain Dew.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Can you make Larry Jones' new profile picture stop staring at me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Can't do it because I am the one that arranged for it to happen.


TLH asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What should a fat girl wear to a job interview if she actually wants the job?

Blog Jesus answers:

A thong and a bag over her head.


HFB asks:

When will the madness stop?

Can I have a cookie?

Blog Jesus answers:

Well Madness did stop for awhile in the late eighties and through the nineties, but they are back and closing each night with "Our House" to packed smaller venues. I give them two more years.

No.

________________________________

Well that's enough blaspheny for today.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, April 14, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Twenty-Two

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What was up with that whole Tower of Babel thing? And is it coincidence that the tower was named Babel?

Blog Jesus answers:

I needed something to honor my cat who was named Babel and died after choking on a filthy rat.


Old Roses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why don't you stop global warming?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am an avid swimmer.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Was Deckard really a replicant? Harrison Ford says it's bullshit, but what about the origami unicorn? I need answers damn it!

Blog Jesus answers:

He wasn't. When in doubt believe in me and Harrison Ford.


Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

When is season 2 of Deadwood coming out on DVD?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sometime after the second season ends and the third season begins. Probably around Chistmas time - cocksucker.


Kris asks:

If I string two questions together to form one by using a conjunction, does it count as two questions (since technically it is one question that requires two answers) and if not, would it be ok to ask two questions that were actually four questions strung together in this manner?

Blog Jesus answers:

You know what, just ask all the questions you want. Forget the limits. I will just arbitrarily punish you if I tire of the number of questions.

______________________________________

This post was dedicated to Stephanie on Survivor who I affectionately refer to as "Hoss."

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Twenty - One

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Larry asks:

Is it wrong to make out with your best friend?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's all cool so long as both parties consent.


Josh asks:

When you answer my question, do I win something?

Blog Jesus answers:

Just knowledge young man.


Josh asks again:

Did you have to file your taxes?

Blog Jesus answers:

Even Blog Jesus cannot avoid those bastards.


TLH asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

1. Don't you know that Bono could clean your clock in a fistfight?

2. Are you going to stop blogging when you have kids?

Blog Jesus answers:

He wouldn't get the chance. I'd sneak up on him while he was curing AIDS in Africa and kick his ass.

Yes, but only because of the bullet I just put in my brain.


Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Now that Johnnie Cochran is dead, who should I get as legal counsel should one of the tots survive?

Blog Jesus answers:

I hear that the lawyer for Terri Schiavo's family is available.


Kris asks again:

Also, why didn't anyone post about Johnnie Cochran in their blogs?

And why do all my favorite people keep dying?

Blog Jesus answers again:

They were all too busy look for the real killers that day.

You pissed me off for some reason. I forgave you, but haven't gotten around to turning off the "kill Kris' favorite people" machine in my basement.

Kris asks yet again:

Is it Johnny or Johnnie?

Blog Jesus answers yet again:

It's actually J.J.


Yet again, Kris asks yet again:

Have I exceeded my limit for the number of questions allowed in one day?

What is that limit?

Yet again, Blog Jesus answers yet again:

There was no limit until today. Three at max from now on. Unless you have a really good question. Toy with the rule and pay the price.


Alex asks:

Dear BJ.

Viggo never showed. Can you make it up to me, by smiting the big penised jackass? Just a little smiting is fine. You don't have to like, destroy his business, give him an std and make him lose everything he loves. Unless you really want.Thank you in advance.

Blog Jesus answers:

Consider him the one testicled big penised jackass.


HFB asks:

I've got a question.

Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?

Is love really the answer?

If so, why does it mean never having to say you're sorry?

What's love got to do with it, anyway?

WTF is wrong with my cat?

Why does this blog not allow anonymous comments?

Blog Jesus answers:

Mr. Manilow raids my wardrobe.

No.

See above.

Nothing.

It's owner.

So I know when you're around.

_______________________________

Stay tuned for more of Blog Jesus answers Kris' and HFB's questions.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Twenty

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Brent asks:

Dear Blog-Jesus,

I had a horrible dream where Corey Feldman kept mumbling something about killing the head vampire. Please advise where I may find this person.

Blog Jesus answers:

Corey Feldman or the head vampire? If it is the former look outside he's digging through your trash. If it is the head vampire - Cleveland.


James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

1. Are you bigger than Voltron? If not.. then do you at least have cool interlocking parts?

2. Could you shoot a lightning bolt out of your ass at Pops for asking, "Wazzuuuuuuuuuup?" I would also like to point out that he called you "Beej" - that might require two lightning bolts.

Blog Jesus answers:

I am bigger than Voltron and I also have cool interlocking parts.

Pops actually deserves ass lightning for pontificating on his sister's breasts.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Is your disdain for my lame question your way of showing offense at my making a mockery of your mockery of a blog? If the mockery is all intentional, at what point do we rip through the walls into the fourth dimension and let in the goatee-wearing Spock and his rampaging armies of winged monkeys to devastate, annihilate and enslave us as a people?

Blog Jesus answers:

According to my clock Thursday at 9:36 a.m.


Rambuncle asks:

If nobody asked you any questions, would you still exist?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes. I would just go back to my day job. Striking down those that mock me.


Nain asks:

Dear blog jesus,

If a tree falls in a woods but there's no one in the woods, does it make a sound? Do you even give a shit?

Blog Jesus answers:

It actually sounds like shattering glass. And no, I don't give a shit.


Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

So, what you're saying is that you're responsible for the voices in my head and that I should rid the country of the "scourge"?

Blog Jesus answers:

You sir are correct.
_________________________________

If you think I don't really exist then how do you explain the old couple still being in "The Amazing Race."

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, April 11, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Nineteen

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I have two questions today:

1. Should I be angry at Tupac for pretending to be dead for so long? Why or why not?

2. I don't think girls like me - what am I doing wrong?


Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why does the blessed mothjer choose to show herself in things like front porch screens and plates of macaroni and cheese?

Blog Jesus answers:

Dementia.

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually you should be mad at the person floating the fake CNN story about him pretending to be dead. But since he is actually really alive you should be pissed about that as well.

Not to spread rumors but I think you should avoid sending them pics of your scrotum.


TLH asks:

Dear Blog Jesus:

Would your holiness be available to work security at the November 4, 2005 U2 concert at the MGM Grand?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sorry I have plans that do not involve bands that have been overrated since 1994.


Pops asks:

Beej,

I know it's about 10 years old, but I've never gotten a definitive answer, so I ask you:

Wazzuuuuuuuuuup?

Blog Jesus answers:

That question was so lame that I refuse to answer it. And let me tell you, if you knew what was wazzuuuuuuuuuup you'd shit yourself.


Nain asks:

Dear blog jesus,

If Paris Hilton and Britney Spears entered a contest to see which is the dumbest celebrity, who do you think would win?

My money is on Britney

Blog Jesus answers:

I know that Britney would win. That stance could change if she starts releasing porn to prolong her "career."


Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Should I spike the punch, or do you think the little kids are going to want some?

Blog Jesus answers:

Who the fuck cares if the kids want some or not. Children are scourges - fucking scourges. Spike the punch and at least drown the pain that those kids that do come with inflict upon you.


Steven asks:

What are your thoughts on Animal Crackers?

Blog Jesus answers:

So long as they keep towing the line and don't start that revolution they always hype they are on my cool list.


Old Roses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

My town is becoming increasingly diverse and the local grocery store offers many new products I am not familiar with. I am wondering about the cock flavored soup. Can I safely assume that it refers to poultry?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would not safely assume anything when a town gets more "diverse." Get a couple of shotguns and grow your own food.


Nogh asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What does a platypus omelet taste like?

Blog Jesus answers:

Like chicken . . . with magical, magical powers.

______________________________

Well, I've answered a question about Britney Spears, it's all downhill from here and it's a shame because this blog was so young and pretty.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, April 08, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Eighteen and a Half

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now, for the second time today, I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Brent asks:

Dear Blog-Jesus,

Have you noticed that the time inbetween days 15,16,17, ect is more like 48 hours? Is this some kind of miracle in action?

Blog Jesus answers:

You're correct. I am speaking to all you from outside the time stream. The past, present, and future are all my bitches.


Nain asked:

Dear blog jesus,

Why have you abandoned us?

Blog Jesus answers:

I didn't abandon you. Blogger tried to take me away from you. You'll know when I have abandoned you.


Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why would anyone wish that they were an Oscar Mayer weiner?

Blog Jesus answers:

Haven't you ever wanted to eat yourself?


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Who is sexier, Kim Possible or the cartoon Lizzie McGuire?

Along those same lines, why doesn't Hillary Duff have a neck?

Blog Jesus answers:

Uh, Bugs Bunny.

She has a neck. Her massive jaw hides it.


Teresa Lee asks:

Dearest Blog Jesus sent to us from on high,What is your most favored color of crayon and why?

Love, Your Child

Kendo_ohimesama

Blog Jesus answers:

Black. It reminds of the condition of my soul.


Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Who is the Blog Pope and does he have a feeding tube?

Blog Jesus answers:

The Blog Pope was actually Weezie from "The Jeffersons." She didn't need a feeding tube despite all the Denny's she ate. I haven't gotten around to picking a new one.

_______________________

Twice in one day. I am spent.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

And Now Your Answers - Day Eighteen

The heathen that is Blogger has attempted to shut me down yesterday, but I am back and probably marginally worse due to the experience. This I promise, so long as the internets allows me I will answer more of your questions later today. That includes the questions by Brent, Nain, and Dusti that were added to the ones below earlier today.

Now on with the show.

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What do you do if Blog Jethro traps you in a room and touches you inappropriately and says he'll kill your family if you tell anyone?

Not that he has, I just want to know just in case...

Blog Jesus answers:

I would reccommend viewing what Marsellus Wallace had planned for Zed in "Pulp Fiction" and follow accordingly.

Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What was the motivation behind the creation of penguins? A bird that swims seems like a pretty dumb idea.

Blog Jesus answers:

They were supposed to also shit cluster bombs, but I screwed up in the design and now they puke to feed their young. My bad.

Wirthy asks:

Jesus,

I notice in your commandments, you really look down on coveting.Unfortunately I covet lots of stuff. My friend Steve's wife is smokin'! I covet her.

My friend Larry has a Corvette. I covet the hell outta that.

Please help me end my coveting ways.

Blog Jesus answers:

I am not Jesus, just Blog Jesus. It's an easy mistake to make, don't worry. I prefer that you covet all you want. In fact tear into all those deadly sins and enjoy the shit out of them.

Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why won't those kids give the rabbit some Trix?

Blog Jesus answers:

Rabbits are essentially cuddly rats. These kids are some of the few that are smart enough to see that and prevent the vermin from eating and therefore being healthy enough to procreate.

James asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I've been thinking about calling in a bomb threat to my university so I don't have to go to class. Do you condone this kind of activity? Why or why not?

Blog Jesus answers:

I do not condone such activity. A bomb threat in this day and age is the type of news story that will cut into my regular primetime schedule. I will be damned if I miss a minute of "Survivor" because my local anchorman has to tell me that the fifth floor of the building is clear.

Pops asks:

Beej,

Is it possible to be a molesting kidnapping extortionist and not know it?I don't think I am, but Brent's question has me worried.

Blog Jesus answers:

Yep, it is.

Brent asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Maybe it isn't Pops and it's just some guy with a bucket on his head. Please advise accordingly...

Blog Jesus answers again:

I stand by my previous statement. Though you may lighten up if it is not Pops.

___________________________

I'll be back later.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Seventeen

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus:

Have you seen my stapler?

Blog Jesus answers:

You might want to check the pooper of your neighbor's dog.


Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Will you please write me a note excusing me from work tomorrow?

Blog Jesus answers:

Only if you plan on spending this free day cleaning my house.


Old Roses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What happens to all the daylight we save during daylight savings?

Blog Jesus answers:

Traded on the black market for opiates mostly.


Pops asks:

Beej,

If I'm Blog Jethro, does that mean I have to be "Beej" as well? I'm not really comfortable with sharing a nickname. Next thing you know we'll be wearing matching sweaters.

And to answer your next question in advance, NO, we are not going to wear matching sweaters.

Blog Jesus answers:

I am the only Beej. You're either Blog Jethro, Jethro, or Dumbfuck McGee.


Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Should we gamble in your image?

Who is Blog God and the Holy Blog Spirit?

Do you ever hang out with the Greek pantheon?

Blog Jesus answers:

Not only should you gamble in my name, but you should also send me a cut of your winnings.

Me. It's a very complicated story.

Yeah, but someone told me "this party is dead anyway" back in the mid-1990's and I have never been back.


Kris asks:

Oh and what does "MPH" stand for?

Blog Jesus answers:

Typically miles per hour.


Elin asks:

I turned 21 today. Do I have anything else in life to look forward to?

Blog Jesus answers:

Other than destroying your liver through the legal consumption of alcohol - no.


Nain asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What's REALLY in a hot dog? Or do I want to know?

Blog Jesus answers again:

Sun dried cottage cheese with a bit of any animal the hot dog elves can get ahold of. Don't worry too much about it.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog-Jesus,

How do I make amends?

Also, what exactly is an amends?

Blog Jesus answers:

Obviously you did not properly read my instructions last time. To atone for calling me a sham you must now reference "Heightened Thoughts" twice and "Ask Blog Jesus" once in your posts this week. For missing that you owe me another "Heightened Thoughts" reference.

Amends means kissing my ass.

________________________________

Time to go drool over Evangeline Lilly.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Sixteen

For the first time ever I am breaking the format of this religious experience lovingly deemed "Asked Blog Jesus." Last night on "The Daily Show" it was stated that with the Pope dead there is no infallible being on this Earth. Well obviously "The Daily Show" is not hip to "Ask Blog Jesus" because let me tell you that Blog Jesus is infallible. Therefore I am asking that you, my converted, to flood the Comedy Central phone lines letting them know that they dropped the ball.

Now, on with the show.

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Scruuw declares:

cool blog.

Blog Jesus states:

Scruuw, welcome to that little slice of heaven no one talks about. I concur.


Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Did scruuw forget to ask a question or did she not realize that's what she's supposed to do?

Why is life unfair? For instance, how come the ugliest female on this post has the nicest ass?

Finally, what would it take to actually become a demon so that I can make demon spawn from my nougat?

Blog Jesus answers:

Scruuw is new and if she just wants to say this blog is the cat's ass then I have no problems with it.

Why is life unfair? If there is complete fairness then there would be no conflict. Lack of conflict leads to lack of questions. Lack of questions leads to me being found obsolete. So life is unfair because my ego needs fed.

Two pieces of pepperoni, the mystical glass of Bexerth, and the tip of a dragon's wing.


Pops asks:

Beej,

May I call you Beej?

You know what, when I do call you that I think of that guy Mike Somethingorother who played the guy who replaced Trapper on the series M*A*S*H. You know, the tall dude, not funny, mustache... I can't remember. He was on Providence, which also sucked.

Blog Jesus answers:

Blog Jethro, you and you only may call me Beej.


Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

When it's my time to enter the Pearly Gates, will my mansion options be presented to me at that time, or can I place my order now? Also, how do cars manuever about up there without damaging the golden streets?

Blog Jesus answers:

You make your decision upon arrival. Unfortunately you were misinformed, there is only one mansion and that belongs to me. The rest is low income housing that is owned by me. I will try to hook you up with a place that has a front door because you're nice.

All the cars fly up here. It's like the fucking Jetsons without Spacely around these parts.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

If you bet on Illinois to win, how come they lost?

Also, how does it feel to be a sham?

Blog Jesus answers:

If you read back over the sentence you will notice that I did not put "cash money" on Illiniois to win. I just said I put "cash money" on Illinois. My money was on those bastards hurling up 40 three point shots. I came out of it filthy rich.

So do you still think I am a sham?

To atone for calling me a sham you must now reference "Heightened Thoughts" twice and "Ask Blog Jesus" once in your posts this week.


Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How come there are so many stupid people out there?

Blog Jesus answers:

I like to run over things with my truck.

_______________________________

I also had money on Brent making a smartass remark today. I am just rolling in the dough.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, April 04, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Fifteen

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What exactly IS nougat?

Blog Jesus answers:

Simply put - stuff from a demon's junk.


James asks:

Blog Jesus...

Did the Pope really smoke dope?

ps. sorry about all the drug related questions recently... i've been on a 5 day crack binge. i can't get narcotics off my scrambled brain.

Blog Jesus answers:

John Paul was a joker, a poper, and a midnight toker. Not only did have the best porn in the biz, he also had the best dope.


Rambuncle asks:

Will the Anti-Christ be the next pope?

Blog Jesus answers:

I failed the written and therefore I am ineligible for Popedom.


Elin asks:

So. Why wear pants? An age old question...

Blog Jesus answers:

First off Elin, welcome to the flock. May I also suggest you try "Heightened Thoughts" while you're visiting. The dude that writes that is peachy keen.

Secondly, any other article of clothing does not permit the fun that can be had when a squirrel runs up your pants leg.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog-Jesus,

Where have all the cowboys gone?

signed,

a friend

Blog Jesus answers:

Mostly operating mechanical bulls and idolize Jack Palance in their lonely, lonely effiencies in downtown Bronx.


TLH asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why is Sarah Jessica Parker in every other TV spot? I can't stand that swiznotch! Is there any way you can get rid of her for me?

Blog Jesus answers:

I brokered the deal to get her on TV a lot because I knew it would lead to questions and I love to answer questions.

I can't get rid of her, but here's an inside tip - put a carrot on a stick and dangle it in front of her and she'll follow.

_____________________

Go Illini, I got cash money riding on you bastards.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, April 01, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Fourteen

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

The RPC asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

After watching lots of pornos, I am starting to think that foreskin is the way to go. Is it possible to be re-attached? Will that make me Jewish?

Blog Jesus answers:

Certainly there is a quack surgeon that would be willing to transplant the foreskin of a black man on to your wanker.

Yes, it would make you oven ready.


James asks:

Blog Jesus...

I'm really broke, should I turn to drug dealing to make money? If yes, can you please send me twenty kilo's of pure columbian black tar heroin... think of it like, 'mana from heaven' only more addictive.

Blog Jesus answers:

Drugs are not the answer. Pimping is the answer. Go rent "Night Shift" and get the basics down. Since you're a nice guy I'll throw in the kilos of pure black smack as well.


Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What about this overcrowded land, how much more abuse from man can she stand?

In addition to that question, for an extra 10 points, and to prove that you're not Blog Satan in disguise, name the song and artist.

Blog Jesus answers:

Enough. But she ain't ready for what I have in store for her.

"Mercy, Mercy Me (The Ecology)" - Marvin Gaye


Kris declares:

Ten Hail Marys"

-for the double post.

Blog Jesus states:

Who made you the determiner of punishment? I say you have to continue to reading "Pops' Bucket."


Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why?

Blog Jesus answers:

The fear of minimalism causes the human race, actually all those in which nature encompasses, to re-evaluate their place in society and draw upon that re-evaluation to create new communities where togetherness will reign supreme.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

It occurs to me that I may have developed a bad case of SIDS. Please advise.

Blog Jesus answers:

Roll over and stop think your pill is a gian pancake.


Krull asks:

The bastards at work played a prank for April fools on me. How can I MAKE THEM PAY!!!

Blog Jesus answers:

Find their children and take fingers to your heart's content.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Are you sure The RPC doesn't live anywhere near me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Positive. But I have recommended he move into your neighborhood to add some "color."


SJ asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Does Kris know that I know the answer to his song quiz?

Blog Jesus answers again:

He does now.

____________________

A lot of questions today. Answering them was like carrying a fat man up a flight of stairs. I am just spent.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus