Thursday, March 31, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Thirteen

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Hey BJ,In Martin Heidegger's Introduction to Metaphysics, he starts with the question "why are there beings at all instead of nothing?" and then goes on for like 250 pages of shit I don't understand.

Is it because he's German or because he's a philosopher? Which is more likely to make one an asshole?

Blog Jesus answers:

Mostly German, partially a philosopher. Philosopher and a pretenious asshole at that.


Krull asks:

Why are all entrepreneurs such egotistical a-holes, even though most of them aren't very successful?

Blog Jesus answers:

If you met finacial success or ruin after taking the advice of two midget twins, you too would be an asshole. Maybe not an egotistical asshole, but one nonetheless.


Brents asks:

That whole water into wine thing.... do you think you can hook a brotha up?

Blog Jesus answers:

Hells yeah boyeeeee. Holla.


Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why is Barry White so damn smooth?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would have to think it is because all the skin has rotted off his dead body and he is nothing but bone.


Kris asks again:

What is that weird yellow, shiny shit oozing from the cracks in the walls here?

Blog Jesus answers again:

You seem to have a serious case of wall anal leakage. There's really nothing you can do about it. Surprisingly it makes for a fine butter.


Alex asks:

Dear BJ,

I just had my heart broken again. Could you send Viggo Mortenson to my house to comfort me?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am very sorry to hear that someone has gone and done that. Viggo is on the way - along with all his movies, including the extended LOTR editions.

_____________________

Tomorrow. Heightened Thoughts. 200th post. Be there.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Twelve

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Blog Jesus Answers:

Here's the thing about woodchucks - they don't chuch wood. They do drink too much and are prone to insulting one's mother.


HFB asks:

How is it you know the difference between 'hoo-ha' and 'ta-tas', yet don't know the correct answer to the riddle was 'European'?

Blog Jesus answers:

I know the correct answer to the riddle, however I chose to answer literally. Polish assholes is what I become when I enter a restroom.


Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

You seem cranky. Who shit in your cornflakes?

Blog Jesus answers:

Well . . . I did. The bowel was there. I was drunk. Unfortunate things ensued.


Nogh asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

It burns and it itches. What should I do?

Blog Jesus answers:

Pick at it a bit. If that only results in open sores, then spread it around and see if someone else has a better idea.

____________________

Speaking of itching, I am itching to read the latest post from MPH at the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts."

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Eleven

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Will Pops take my advice and read "The Snarkout Boys and the Avocado of Death" in order to make great philospohical blog conversation?

Additionally, are you going to halt the madness of the Wonder Woman movie so that I can stay sane?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. He's an asshole. A nice asshole, but an asshole nonetheless.

No. In Joss Whedon I trust.

HFB asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

If I don't preface my question with 'Dear Blog Jesus', will you still answer my questions?

If you are American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, but I do like the formality and increase in self worth that "Dear Blog Jesus" brings to the table.

Polish assholes.

Kris asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why are women so afraid to show men their boobs normally, but not in New Orleans?

Blog Jesus answers:

The holy spirits my friend - Mr. Lite, Mr. Bud, and Mr. Coors. Assholes also contribute.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Why does Kris always ask the best Blog Jesus questions?

Blog Jesus answers:

He's not an asshole. He loves me the mostest.

Larry asks:

I have two questions today, Blog Jesus:

1.) If I link to Heightened Thoughts, do I have to link to Ask Blog Jesus, too?

2.) Do you think MPH should have a fucking theme song?

Blog Jesus asks:

Only assholes would link both. But their my kind of assholes.

Probably not. He's not the nicest of people - or the cleanest.

_________________________

All right my asshole is tired from typing.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, March 28, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Ten

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Brent declares:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Happy Birthday! Oh wait, it's not your birthday....

how awkward.

Blog Jesus states:

Yeah, it sort of made me do an "Office" sort of uncomfortable pause.

Kris asks:

Blog Jesus,

Is this your second coming, and if so, what's the URL to your first?

Blog Jesus answers:

It is actually my third coming. The first one was before the internets. My second one had a URL (blogjesusandthecoalitionofangrynymphomaniacs.com). However, it was shut down and wiped off the internets because a senator's dog died. The less about that the better.

James asks:

Blog Jesus...

Is there a Blog Moses?

Is he being played by Charlton Heston?

Blog Jesus answers:

There is no Blog Moses. There is a Blog Charles Heston. There is also a Blog Chachi.

Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

My fingernails continue to split at the tips even though I continue to take vitamins. What can I do to stop this from happening?

Blog Jesus answers:

First get some ice. Then put your hand in the ice. Then get a sharp knife. Take your ice numbed hand out of the ice and place it on a cutting board. Then take the knife and wave it over the numbed hand chanting "Split and go away" three time.

If that does not work use the knife to stab the cashier at your local drug store and steal a shitload of press on nails.

The RPC asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

If I am masturbating to my favorite pornography tape and right as I am about to climax from said act, the VHS tape reaches the end, automatically stopping, and switches over to broadcast television showing a commercial for a baby/kid related product, will that make me a pedophile from that point on since my brain now associates young children and orgasms? Will the same hold true for dog/cat food commercials as well? Will I go to hell for that since it really wasn't my fault, but more of an accident?

Blog Jesus answers:

Don't worry you're fine. I masturbate to elaborately placed pieces of trash and I don't get the urge to fuck trash cans every time that I see them. You are going to hell though for numerous, numerous, numerous, numerous reasons.

SJ asks:

Dear BlogJesus,

Does The RPC live anywhere near me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Worry not, he comes from MPH, Indiana.

______________________________

All right, I got to figure out where this empty container of orange is going to go.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, March 25, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Good Friday Edition

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong on this very Good Friday:

Kris asks:

Blog Jesus,

How can you be omniscient if you don't know her phone number?

Blog Jesus answers:

It has something to do with the Rimbaldi prophecy, the fact that she is really a thirteen year old trapped in a thirty year old woman's body, and has died and been resurrected and forced to wear read leather.

Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Blog Jesus answers:

Faster than shit hitting a fan.

Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Should I off the Easter Bunny? He seems to be taking a lot of steam out of your day with all his jellybeans and marshmallow chicks.

Blog Jesus answers:

You should off just do to the fact that he still owes me $50.00 and a new donkey for my show.

______________________

Well, I am off to celebrate Easter weekend like I always do - killing Nazi aliens hell bent on raiding my fridge.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, March 24, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Eight

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How do I get people to fear and respect me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Borrow the "Stuck in the Middle With You" scene from "Resevoir Dogs" but make it public and use a bound child. Chainsaws and blow torches may also be used.

Kris asks:

Dear BJ,

What's Jennifer Garner's phone number?

Blog Jesus answers:

I used to know it, then she found out that I knew it and she's gone and changed it. I will have the new number in the next couple of days.

James asks:

Blog Jesus...

If I end up going to Blog Heaven can I please be greeted by wailing guitars, instead of harps and shit?

Blog Jesus answers:

Not only will you have wailing guitars, but they'll be played by the guitar gods of your choice and Abe Vigoda.

Pops asks:

Blog Jesus,

How can I get people to fear and respect Brent?

Blog Jesus answers:

Volunteer your children for my above stated suggestion.

Brent asks again:

Dear Blog Jesus,

How do I help Pops help me?

Blog Jesus answers:

Buy his kids bus tickets to Kansas so that you can take care of your bizness.

____________________

Those kids will be troopers.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Seven

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

James asks:

Blog Jesus...

Do you know when I've been sleeping or when I'm awake or even if I've been bad or good, for goodness sake?

Also, do you think you could help me pass my french exam?

Blog Jesus answers:

When you're sleeping, it's like I am sitting at the foot of your bed. When you're awake, I am that person you see in the corner of your eye, but never catch full view of. I could care less when you're good. But oh do I have notes about when you're bad. Dark hordes don't just form themselves.

There is absolute nothing I can do for you. Blog Jesus was too busy looking at porn during French class and really didn't pick up on it.

Pops asks:

Hey Blog Jesus, isn't Tom Cruise actually a Scientologist? Why would he pay you to pimp Christian Scientists? Is it because he doesn't like to take medicine?

And if Kirstie Alley is a Scientologist, where they're all about personal discipline and shit, how did she get so repulsively fat?

Blog Jesus answers:

Right after Tommy, which is what he likes to be called, divorced Nicole he stopped taking meds. This caused a pyschotic break and all of the sudden he thought he was Christ Cruise, but also a Scientologist. Thus he started calling himself a Christian Scientists. Despite his warped brain he knew that I was the guy to go to if you need people to join a new fad religion. Hence the payments and "Vanilla Sky."

I believe she is the queen of the Scientologists and with power comes riches, such as food. She really like those riches.

Kris asks:

Blog Jesus,

Who is going to win next year's Superbowl and what is the spread?

Where can I find the $$ to pay for MPH's results?

Blog Jesus answers:

The Eagles will defeat the Jets by 50 points.

Whore yourself out if need be.

Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I'm thinking about selling my soul for Rock-N-Roll. How's about making me a counter offer?

Blog Jesus answers:

I got two bits and a bottle cap.

SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus, How many Faces of Brent are there?

Blog Jesus answers:

Fifty gazillion. Each worse than the next.

_________________

Booooyah.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Six

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Brent asks:

I don't want to have to work anymore. Can you give me some killer stock tips?

Blog Jesus answers:

You cannot go wrong with marmelade. I would also recommend investing in pimping rides.

Dusti asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Who's right? Catholics, Baptists, Lutherans, Mormons, Episcopalians, Pentacostals, Methodists, Presbyterians, Calvinists, Quakers, Amish, Christian Scientists, Jehovah's Witnesses, Gnostics, Seventh-Day Adventists, Spiritists, Rosicrucians, Mennonites, Branch Davidians, or the Unitarians?

Blog Jesus answers:

Since Tom Cruise has stopped paying me, I am no longer obligated to say Christian Scientists. Sadly, none of them are right. The correct answer is Native American Fire Waterists.

SJ asks:

I'm guessing Dusti didn't mention Jews or Muslims or Hindu being that your name includes Jesus, huh? How about Wiccans? What about the Charmed Ones?

Blog Jesus answers:

If the wiccans are lesbian they are liable to destroy the Earth. The Charmed Ones are excellent sources for those that follow the masturbatory god, but good for little else.

Brent declares:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I just want to dance!!

You can treat that as a question or a cry for help.

Blog Jesus states:

The only time wanting to dance is a cry for help is when you engage in the chicken dance and enjoy. Shake that ass young man and prosper.

_________________

I too must go shake my ass and prosper.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, March 21, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Five

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. It has been a nice and restful weekend and I am again ready to answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Is "hoo-ha" slang for breasts or vagina? And if it's the latter, why does Jennifer Garner have more than one?

Blog Jesus answers:

Commonly, "hoo-ha" is slang for vagina. I gave HFB the benefit of the doubt and believed that when she said hoo-ha she meant ta-tas. If I am mistaken, I believe there can be only one reason why the beautiful Ms. Garner has two hoo-has - The Affleck.

Kris asks:

BJ, are you really omniscient? If so, why did you quote me as Dusti? Was it because you didn't know that I'm not Dusti, or was it intentional? Also, why don't you answer our questions BEFORE we post them?

Blog Jesus answers:

Kris, I am omniscient. My secretary is not. She is the one to blame for mistakenly identifying you as Dusti. Don't worry she has been sent to hell and is currently burning.

I don't answer your questions before you post them because I am too busy paying attention to Jennifer Garner. I would rather spend time stalking her than jumping the gun.

Larry asks:

Blog Jesus - What do you think of Mary Magdalene?

Blog Jesus answers:

She was believeable in "Irreversible" and "Tears of the Sun." A bit stiff in second and third editions of the "The Matrix."

Dusti declares:

OMG, he IS the Blog Jesus! I read Kris' question, then thought to myself that I would also like to know the answer. Truly amazing.

Blog Jesus states:

I even amaze myself.

James asks:

Blog Jesus...

Is smoking pot 'ok' or 'not ok'? Why?

How about 'smoking' suckas with my Tech 9?

Blog Jesus answers:

Toking weed is okay. Why? Because drugs overall are cool. I would recommend preaching this to young children.

"Smoking suckas" with your Tech 9 is also okay. If dem suckas are frontin' you have to step up.

__________________

Man oh man was that constructive.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, March 18, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Four

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

How come if you're "Blog Jesus" all your posts are "posted by MPH"? Isn't it true that you're actually just some kind of schizophrenic shut-in completely at the mercy of the voices in your head?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have spoken with the voices in my head and they have advised me to kill you. I am currently debating whether their advice is reasonable.

HFB asks:

Alias-Has it jumped the shark, or are you too busy staring at Jen Garner's hoo-hahs to notice or care?

The Amazing Race-Would you rather be paired with Rupert from Survivor or Judge Judy? Why?

Who would be the best as the next Batman, Anna Nicole Smith or Michael Jackson? Why?

Can you loan me $20?

Blog Jesus answers:

"Alias" is in fine condition, as are Jennifer Garner's hoo-hahs.

Judge Judy. Teeth like a beaver.

Michael Jackson. He probably already has a suit.

No.

Dusti asks:

BJ, why do people react negatively to sociopaths?

Blog Jesus answers:

Simple closed mindedness. They don't see all the good sociopaths do.

Nogh asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What's your take on the Terri Schiavo thing? Is it wrong of the House to try and intervene with the court-ordered removal of her feeding tube? And why are Republicans leading this fight when their party's platform is supposed to be AGAINST big govenment? Are they just pandering to the religious right?

And speaking of the holy rollers, if they truely believe in you, then why won't they just let this woman go so she can be with you? Does it bother you that they want to make her show up late for your party?

Blog Jesus answers:

I am not sure what to think of the whole situation. There's no way of knowing her true feelings on the matter and I think that makes things troublesome. The government interaction is wrong and they are pandering. This is like the baseball hearing but with a much more serious issue.

I actually don't want her at my party. I think she would be a major buzz kill.

Brent asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Who was your favorite cast member of "The Golden Girls" and why?

Blog Jesus answers:

Sophia. She was a stroked out little Italian who I am positive shit herself every now and then.

James asks:

Blog Jesus...

Was it wrong of me to remain sober on St. Patrick's Day?

Blog Jesus answers:

Incredibly wrong. Go get shitfaced immediately and bust a bottle over someone's head while singing "Sunday Bloody Sunday."

___________________

In the spirit of the "Golden Girls" - thank you all for being a friend. Blog Jesus rests on the weekend, but feel free to ask your questions and I will get to them next Monday.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, March 17, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Three

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

did you just make a shameless pass at Brent?

Blog Jesus answers:

Though I am sure some might think Brent is a sexy beast, I was not making a pass at him. I dig the chicks. Though, if Scott Baio happened to knock on my door . . .

Brent asks:

I keep thinking of clever ways to kill everyone I work with. Can you reccomend a way to sate my appetite for death-dealing?

Blog Jesus answers:

Abusing the kids that work in your meth lab and killing cats have been tried and true ways to sate the appetites of other potential killers in the past. If that does not work, then eat a stick of butter before you go to work. The stomach ache will keep you unmurdery.

SJ asks:

My kid has a fever but is otherwise fine and running around the house and laughing (only an occasional cough). Someone else's kid obviously already came to school with a fever, thus giving my kid the fucking fever that she now has. Would sending her to school today be the wrong thing to do?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. What you might have on your hands is a child centric plague. That thing needs to spread post haste. If anything, do whatever is necessary to get your kid sicker.

Alex asks:

Florida or Oregon...where should I move?

Blog Jesus:

If you dig a liberal lifestyle full of choice then I would choose Oregon. If you plan on becoming a vegetable and wanting to die . . . again I would choose Oregon. If you want to do body shots off of frat boys then you should take a vacation in Florida after you have moved to Oregon.

__________

I feel that I have done some real good today.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day Two

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Jethro as in Tull or Jethro as in Bodine?

Blog Jesus answers:

I was going with Bodine originally, but now I am saying Tull because that makes no sense at all.

Steven asks:

If, in the center of a black hole, is a singularity, according to Steven Hawking, whats in the center of the singularity of the black hole?

Blog Jesus answers:

The blogosphere.

HFB asks:

Where the fuck is my link within the post at the blog lovingly known as Heightened Thoughts so long as I get my fucking link within the post? I was FIRST, dammit.

Blog Jesus answers:

I anticipated that your omission in the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" would elicit a funny reaction. It did. Mission accomplished.

Brent asks:

I have trouble talking to girls. Any advice?

Blog Jesus answers:

You will always have trouble talking to girls. My suggestion, go gay. Men are much easier to talk to and more willing to put out.
________

Not as many questions this time around. I know you have questions that need answered people. Bring it and Blog Jesus will bring it back.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day One

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

HFB asks:

Did it hurt, when you finally went completely and absolutely insane?

Blog Jesus answers:

The hippo people caught me. All is well.

Pops asks:

What the fuck is the matter with you?

Blog Jesus answers:

The answer may be found in the most recent post on the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts."

Brent asks:

If this is the bus to hell, can I get off at the next stop?

Blog Jesus answers:

This bus never stops. We are all in for a long ride. I hope you brought your questions.

Pops asks again:

Hoosier basketball, dead or just dying?

Blog Jesus answers:

Hoosier basketball could mean two different things. Basketball in the state as a whole or Indiana Hoosier basketball. As a whole, basketball is thriving. As for Indiana Hoosier basketball, it is not in the best condition at the moment. However, its vital signs have been improving. Next year I expect MPH level awesomeness.

Kris asks:

If you're Blog Jesus, and Pops is your arch enemy, does that make him Blog Satan?

Blog Jesus answers:

Pops is actually Blog Jethro.

Kris asks again:

Where are those German midget sheisse videos you were going to send?

Blog Jesus answers:

In my DVD player. The stuff was too good and brown to give up.

Sahalie asks:

Dear Lord, i have parents and in-laws coming to stay in my tiny house on the same weekend. How do I avoid murdering them all in their sleep?

Blog Jesus answers:

There is absolutely no way you can avoid murdering them. I suggest packing a bag and getting ready to run when the time comes.

People I must say those are very good questions and I look forward to solving more of your problems.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, March 14, 2005

Welcome Friends

We live in troubled times. We are suffering through our first Blogger Personality Conflict. My decision to stop swearing for a week threw blogging into a tizzy. Members of the clique are being thrown out of the band and being brought back in with such regularity that even I can't tell who is a member right now.

That is the reason for this new blog. I know you all have questions about recent ongoings and I have decided to utilize my new moniker as "Blog Jesus" to answer those questions. It's my way of saying let me help. Just leave your questions in the comment section and I will answer them in short order and make everything all better.

Uncle Ben once told Peter Parker "with great power comes great responsibility", I believe I have great power and I believe I can make a difference. Let me be your A-Team, Knight Rider, and Greatest American Hero. Let me ease your troubled minds.

I look forward helping make your world right again.

- Blog Jesus