Tuesday, December 27, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 199

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

This all begs the question: who's doing the nailing? I don't necessarily want to do it, but it would have been nice to at least be asked.

Blog Jesus answers:

The nailing being done by a super accurate blind Haitian man. The reason he is doing it is classified, but between me and you it's because he knows I have someone set to drown his grandchildren in a mud puddle if he doesn't do the job.


G.D. asks:

on your way out, you chicken-shit, can you leave the keys to the kingdom?

when's the going away party? i'd like to give the midget porn artists some notice.

Blog Jesus answers:

I am actually putting up the kingdom for auction. Highest bidder gets the whole shebang and some broken down meth kids.

No party . . . not because I don't want to be honored, but I plan on being pretty horrible tomorrow and I don't want piss in the punch.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

One post honoring you and all you've done for us (or lack thereof) is forthcoming for next Wednesday... Should I play some sad song in the background?

In Him,

Labbie

ps: Is GD a midget pimp?

Blog Jesus answers:

Actually play circus music with the sound of children crying overlapping it.

No she is not a midget pimp. She just has several as sex toys and is willing to rent them out.


Old Roses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Since you are leaving us like that other Jesus, does that imply that you will also be returning at some future date like that other Jesus?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. I ain't no bitch. When I die, I stay dead. Giving hope is for pussies.


Killarjoe asks:

BJ,

Tell me why I'm obsessed with sending pictures of my cock to random women from the internet, and why am I such a pathetic loser?

Blog Jesus answers:

You know, I was considering reconsidering my retirement, then someone goes and lets their cock out. Killar just go flash a bunch of school girls and get yourself arrested. You being off the streets will make the world a better place.


Danikabur asks:

Should I interupt my search for JG while I search for you? I think I'm close to reaching her so I'm not sure you want me to stop.

Then again since you are leaving I may have to rethink that shrine idea.

Blog Jesus answers:

Don't stop looking for her. Get her first then come to me. I want to see you two make out.
________________________________________________

Here comes the crown of thorns. Last day tomorrow . . . come heavy or don't come at all.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, December 23, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 198

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

HFB asks:

I've lost my copy of How to Influence People and Make Friends, so I've decided that the best thing to do is call everyone I meet a bastard and spit a lot.

So, my question is: what is the major export of Guatemala?

Blog Jesus answers:

The government doesn't want you to know this, but the major export is dog shit. It's in your cereal.


Labbie states:

Blog Geez,

I'm not asking a question, as per your instruction. Sure wish you could give me some good advice for the weekend, though...

Blog Jesus responds:

Here's my advice. Come up with a great post honoring me on Wednesday.

I am taking Monday off. The final two editions of "Ask Blog Jesus" will start on Tuesday.
_____________________________________________________

Right foot nailed.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Thursday, December 22, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 197

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Left hand nailed twice? At any rate, what you're really telling us is that you're going to start serving time for those pictures you took of a pinguin, a donkey, a midget, and a $10 hooker, and distributed at the local playground?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

The double mention of the left hand nailed is very explainable. Duff writes my closers for me and she has been very distraught over my "retirement." While typing through the tears she forgot she had already typed left hand the day before. In the past I have killed for such mistakes, but not this time. The girl is a hard working in many ways.

Labbie, you know that I would never distribute such pictures. I would keep them all for myself. But since you questioned that I would you may not ask a question tomorrow.


HFB asks:

If I ask another question, bringing the question quota up to two, thus making you actually have to answer the questions, will you smite me? How about if I ask pretty please?

Ok, then, will you smite labbie for kinda sorta stealing my question about how are you typing if both hands are nailed down?

Blog Jesus answers:

The quota thing was to get rid of Kris. It was successful . . . no smiting for you.

He's been smited for other reasons so you lose again.


Old Roses asks:

"It looks like next Wednesday". Really? What does next Wednesday look like?

Blog Jesus answers:

It's fucked. The skies will be yellow and dolphins will be fucking kittens.


SJ asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I'll miss you and all, but you have to know that I will be glad to be rid of any and all cock in the mayo jar references, right?

Blog Jesus answers:

Just for that all the remaining "Heightened Thoughts" posts will include that very reference.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Why do the good ones always leave us? I don't mean you, I mean Bill Bixby. Why did Bixby have to die?

Blog Jesus answers:

Anyone that directed an episode of "Blossom" is not a good man.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

What about your right hand?

Blog Jesus answers:

The most interesting thing about this is that you people know you have a finite number of questions you can ask and yet many of you only referenced this subject. This means you all suck.


Danikabur asks:

Oh man it may take awhile to find you. Hmmm. Can my midget guide help me? Does he know where you are? Hopefully I don't get distracted along the way.....

Blog Jesus answers:

Not only can you use a midget guide, but I am lending you "The Cat From Outer Space" which talks and is very smart. He will make sure you don't get distracted . . . . meaning he'll be clawing cock so that you avoid it.


_________________________________________

Left foot nailed.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 196

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

Pops asks:

Beej,

See. Look at all the questions now. And the day before there were but two. Like I said: whore.

Everyone lines up for the new whore, but nobody's laughing when we've all got a screaming case of gonorrhea.

I guess there should be a question in here somewhere... OK, how can you have a long slow decline (as you have) if you never peaked in the first place?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have never conformed to the norms of society, i.e. the successful must fall from the top then rebuild themselves and cruch everyone in their path. I like living on the fringe eating pancake batter for dinner and recommending that women not shave their legs.


Kenna asks:

This is because of the hostile takeover at blogshares, isn't it?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nope, it has more to do with the Easter Bunny molesting me as a kid.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

I know who my father is, thank you very much. But on to a meaningful question: One for the money, or two for the show?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

No you don't.

Always go for the show - the girls really like those donkeys no matter how much they scream and cry.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Romper Room, eh? I'm more than down. So you're going on hiatus? Is that very christ-like of you?

You shall be missd!

Blog Jesus answers:

Of course it is not Christ-like. If I was Christ-like I would dispensing advice that actually helped people.


Grouch Grouch asks:

Ok, so we can't ask you questions and we can't ask Satan.

Should we start calling a 900 psychic? My favorite one is in Jail. Do you think she can call me collect?

Blog Jesus aswers:

I suggest just asking random people on the street. If you the proper knife you can get all the answers you want.


G.D. asks:

when is this blog closing down.

i'd like to have enough time to prepare my insults.

Blog Jesus answers:

It looks like next Wednesday. I eagerly awaiting your scathing comments.


HFB asks:

Bastard whore.

Do people with Tourette's Syndrome get into Heaven?

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, but God doesn't cure them. Those fuckers just keep twitching and cussing because it amuses the shit out of God.


Danikabur asks:

Will I finally get to have what I always wanted before you go? (By that I mean have you)

P.S thank you for the many cocks headed my way. I'm sure I'll be appreciating them for a long time to come. :D

Blog Jesus answers:

Look under your pillow and you'll find a ticket to Indy. Now I am not going to tell you how to find my once you get here . . . that's part of the journey.
_________________________________________

Left hand nailed.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 195

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:


Larry asks:

The perfect showman, Blog Jesus. Leave 'em wanting more. My question is, do you think they'll want more?

Blog Jesus answers:

Hell no. They'll just move on to the next retard with a good gimmick and I will be forgotten like . . . what the fuck is that guy's name.


HFB asks:

Why do you have to be such a bastard? Didn't I give you a sandwich? What, that wasn't enough for you?

Blog Jesus answers:

Abusive parents and a wandering eye.

Yes you did, but I wanted the bread toasted.


Cecil B. asks:

Where are you goin?

Blog Jesus answers:

Absolutely nowhere . . . unless the money is right.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Will there be a second coming? And who will I turn to to make fun of me?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

I've pretty much blown my load so I think a second coming is doubtful.

Try and find your father.


Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Does my love of being tied up and dominated really affect my place in heaven? Afterall, I am jewish and figure I'm pretty much fucked out of heaven to begin with...right?

PS: Excited about your birthday bash in 4 days?!

Blog Jesus answers:

There's a special place in heaven for your sort. It's called my romper room.

Not really. All I get is praise and no gifts. It fucking sucks.


Jeremiah states:

Don't forget to go out with a final shot at black folks. Gotta love you for those.

Blog Jesus answers:

It's statements like this one that prevents them from allowing us to own them anymore.


Pops asks:

Beej,

Whore.

Sorry, that's supposed to be a question.

So: Whore?

Also: why are you such a quitter?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nah, I just ate dinner.

It is not so much that I have quit as it is that I have grown tired of you and would like to get back to skinning kittens.


Jeremiah asks:

Oh, sorry...question format. Imagine my embarrassment...well, I came here so right there I couldn't avoid embarrassment. Anyway..

Aren't you just a darling, dear Jezzus, for all those amazingly funny shots at black folks?

Blog Jesus answers:

I would call myself a scare white folk firmly entrenched in a very white state in the Union rather than darling and dear.


R.U. Serious asks:

Blog Daddy J

Did Labbie just ask if you are going to have a second orgasm?

Blog Jesus answers:

As if he was asking anything else.


Old Roses asks:

Does this mean that Duff is going to be unemployed? Sorry, Duff. Bummer. Especially to get dumped, I mean fired, during the holidays.

Blog Jesus answers:

No. Duff is still an employee of Heightened Jesus, Inc. There is still chaos to be spread, just not in this format. Plus, you just can't put that kind of ass out on the street.


Danikabur asks:

I will be so lost when you leave! What will I do?

Blog Jesus answers:

I got so many large cocked individuals heading your way that the void will be filled and then some.


Lori asks:

So exactly what did that mean in my Christmas card...I got the other day??

Have a great day!!!

Blog Jesus answers:

It was jizz and it means don't accept cards from the homeless.


____________________________________________

Left hand nailed.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Monday, December 19, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 194

Before answering any questions, it's announcement time. Blog Jesus will be leaving the Earthly coil after my 200 day of answering questions. I feel that if your world isn't right after 200 days of my shoveling this shit then you're doomed. I invite everyone to scoop up as much advice as you can over the next seven installments. And now on to the regular opening:

People, my people, my fine people, my fine, fine people. I thank you all for baring your souls to Blog Jesus. And now I shall answer your questions and lift you up where you belong:

R.U. Serious asks:

Blog Daddy J

Is it just my imagination or does making fun of Labbie raise my worth in your ministry?

Blog Jesus answers:

That Johnny Cash photo is what raises your worth. Everyone makes fun of Labbie and if I were to reward people for doing that then it would get as bad as the Special Olympics.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

Washington beat Dallas, Indianapolis went down to San Diego... Is this the end times?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

No just a bad day to be a professional gambler.


________________________________________________

Consider the right hand nailed.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus

Friday, December 16, 2005

And Now Your Answers - Day 193

That's right, I skipped out on you all yesterday. Actually I didn't skip out on "you all" because there was only one question. No offense to my wonderful reader, R.U. Serious, but I just didn't feel like wasting my time on one question. So new rule, if there is only one question on a particular day, then I am taking that day off. Screw the regular opening, lets get this shit started.

The Wonderful R.U. Serious asks:

Blog Daddy J

I keep reading these posts from Labbie indicating he believes he may be having sex.

What drugs is he on and where can I get some?

Blog Jesus answers:

I understand that he licks the anal cavity of kittens before logging in and asking a question.


Labbie asks:

Blog Geez,

What kind of proof must I provide to show that, indeed, I HAVE been "laying down pipe"?

In Him,

Labbie

Blog Jesus answers:

Blue prints of the home you're building along with a slide show of the construction should suffice.


Oldroses asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I assume the answer to labbie's question is to provide photographic proof. Will you be sharing the pictures with us?

Blog Jesus answers:

Only if quality construction is exhibited.


J.U. asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

I've got a question for you. Will the Indianapolis Colts go undefeated during the regular season? If so, will they win the Super Bowl or will they choke earlier?

Blog Jesus answers:

They will not go undefeated by choice, but they will win the Super Bowl and the ejaculation content of Indiana will rise tenfold.


MrGumby2u asks:

BeJeZus,

Just what does it take to choke a colt? And is that allowed?

Blog Jesus answers:

Just a firm, black hand. This isn't slavery times, of course a man can drink a Colt 45.


Gawker asks:

Dear Blejus

Is choking a colt like spanking a monkey?

Blog Jesus answers:

For those blessed with small hands, yes.

______________________________________________

Like you deserve a witty comment.

As always, I look forward to making your world right again.

- Blog Jesus